Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

superheromom · member Joined: 11 Aug 2007 Posts: 74

N left the family and didn't support our child financially or in any other way for the past few years. N didn't even make a real effort to stay in contact with our child other than a random phone call every few months. However, N was not shy about calling me if N needed something (usually to put $$ in N's bank account). Did N ask to speak to the child when begging for $$? Nope.

N has a girlfriend and guess what? N wants contact with our child! N actually sent gifts over the holiday (a first). N has been spending a lot of $$ to show just how much he misses his child to the powers that be. Funnily enough, if N feels that I have done something to interfere, the first words out of N's mouth are, "I don't have to put up with this from you! I have my rights!"

Yeah, it's all about "you"...puh-leeze.

I found a link to various quotes from this forum and there were quite a few about N's who abandon a child, find a girl/boyfriend and then suddenly want time with the child.

Here's my question:

What is the connection between having a new significant other and suddenly becoming interested in the abandoned child?

I have a few theories:

1. To harm the other parent;
2. To be able to control the child yet have S/O be responsible for the child;
3. N isn't receiving as much sympathy attention from others because "N doesn't get to see N's child every day" story is losing credibilty...the others are beginning to think "funny how N NEVER has the child; even for visitation" so N needs to do something to get that attention back (image control); or
4. All of the above.

??????

cangel · member Joined: 24 Feb 2007 Posts: 328

super,

I think that the N's motivation is to demonstrate to the OW that he is normal. Just think for a minute....how would you feel about a man who had no contact with his own children? Huge red flag for any new relationship.

The N needs to show that he is a "great dad" and that perhaps you are getting in the way of this relationship with his kids. That way he looks really really good to the OW.

I know....I fell for that ploy big time with my N. Best thing you can do....stick to the legal agreement to the letter! Don't fall for any of his bs and get what you can for the benefit of the kids while his interest lasts.

cangel

1ablueprincess · member Joined: 07 Oct 2007 Posts: 195

I agree with cangle. It is to show they are "normal". But also with mine, it was because, when S was younger, he said he was going to give S a "new mother". he told S that I was a whore and smoked cigarettes and did not love either of them and other horrible stuff, and that he was going to give S a "new mother". When S did not want a new mother, XN got abusive with S.
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survivor

livedthroughit · member Joined: 20 Feb 2007 Posts: 987

I agree -- this can be a part of the alienating tactics.

With ExN here, I noticed that it couldn't just be - daddy has a new friend --he had to tell d that she was going to meet her new mommy.

Don't forgot how financially motivated Ns are. I think ExN thought that he could gain custody of d easier with a significant other. I always felt like ExN would just love it if I had to send him a big check every month. Plus the new girlfriend to tend to those pesky parenting issues that he just didn't have the time for, like preparing meals, etc.

1ablueprincess · member Joined: 07 Oct 2007 Posts: 195

Lived, just out of curiosity how is your Ns relationship with his own mother? I learn stuff all the time in this group that shows me it is NOT me who was crazy. I find it astounding that anyone else had an N who told their child that someone else was going to be their mother or father???!!! My N does not like his mother and is severly deeply disturbed by the fact that she through him out of the house by calling the police on him in the late 1970's. He has gone 10 years at a time without speaking to her, even though they live in the same town. He blamed her for our divorce at first, even though she tried everything she knew to keep us together. She always got the blame for everything wrong in his life, that is until me.... now we both get blamed for everything in his life. I think that my N thinks mothers are "disposable"???
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survivor

livedthroughit · member Joined: 20 Feb 2007 Posts: 987

N's relationship with his mom is a little different here...

His mom caters to his every whim. He has a checking account which he makes her pay his bills out of every month. If he doesn't have enough money in it, she covers the difference. N gets to pick the meal choice most of the time. Whatever he says goes, period. N totally controls his mom, and he can't figure out why women he dates won't put up with this...

I think it's safe to say that most Ns have some serious issues with their moms.

Mia Noi · member Joined: 29 Aug 2007 Posts: 4 Location: Georgia USA

My stepdaughter married the male version of her NPD mother. Now that they are divorced (thank God), we always know when he has a new girlfriend, because she and the grandaughter will hear from the N for the first time in months.

I believe it is an attempt both to appear normal to the new girlfriend while getting supply from her as he plays Father of the Year (yeah, right).

Reality? He was unemployed when they divorced and so was ordered to pay only $42 per week. He is now under the state child support enforcement program to make him pay even that small amount. In the four years since they divorced, I doubt he has visited our grandaughter more than 2 dozen times. In the 18 months since they moved out of state (best decision ever), he has called the child twice.

LeaveLone · member Joined: 26 Feb 2007 Posts: 100

Isn't it funny how the OW can bring out the beast..er, "best" .. in our XN?

Yes, I think part of it is the "gee, he cares SO much about his child...he'll NOW fight for it/them to prove what a great guy he really is and what a bi*** she is/was."

Mine made NO attempts to see his kids, AT ALL through the entire separation/divorce. Then, after the ink was dry (and chld support started being garnished)...THEN he suddenly showed up. And, do you think it was a wild coincidence that FIVE MONTHS later he was remarried? Hmmm...

'course he's given up all rights to the kids now, but I'm sure he's been able to spin that yarn to say "well, my ex-wife completely ruined my relationship with the kids to the point of no redemption." Still to this day he keeps publishing documents that claim all he wanted was his kids and giving them up was the hardest decision of his life.

Puh-leez...actions speak TONS louder than words and we can't hear your whining anymore...la, la, la...

LL

Shania73 · member Joined: 30 Apr 2008 Posts: 62

You said...

What is the connection between having a new significant other and suddenly becoming interested in the abandoned child?

I have experienced this, 3 different girlfriends to be exact. When he met a new girl and was dating her he all of the sudden took the kids out to buy new clothes (didnt care to help out with anything for the kids before that) he had to have the kids appear a certain way, it was as if they were the same effect as a guy who walks in a park with a cute puppy dog to get attention from women...

"Look at me, look I love my kids and am an involved concerned father"

I mean think about it, what looks better? A guy who doesnt see his kids or a guy who is very interested in them! And brags about it and has them presented sparkly clean and nicely dressed?

I am thankful he didnt push the MOM thing on them with her, but he refers to the girlfriends kids as his "daughters" and calls them our sons "Sisters" but neither of my sons have adopted that way of speaking, they arent married, so?

But yeah, i think kids are used to manipulate, to present something to the other woman, and the sad part is the kids are just a prop in their scheme.

NancyCT · Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 7:37 pm Post subject:

I have to agree. XN is very concerned about presenting a "good dad" image. Of course, behind closed doors things are different. But in his public image he must remain the perfect dad, and that image must never be tarnished or threatened.

And if he's trying to impress a woman? Of course, he would need to be the world's best dad.

What always struck me as particularly disturbing is the fact that he fully understood what a good dad looked like, he could mimic it brilliantly in public. But he could never really be it. I mean, if you know what a good dad really is, wouldn't you want to really be one?

mollydog · Posted: Sun May 11, 2008 5:46 pm Post subject:

I have just recently joined the forum. I'm so grateful to a dear friend that introduced me to all of you.

Finally, all the pieces to the puzzle fit. I was introduced to a N that was newly divorced and has a son that was, at the time, 3 years old. When I met the N, he was funny, charming, caring, a true gentlemen, mostly the attraction was his dedication to being a "good dad". He was EXCELLENT!!! My dream. I couldn't understand why this woman would leave such a gem and not want him around her s. The N put up such a fight and tried to get custody of his toddler, but when I came into the picture, all of this was in the past. I met his s when he was 5 years old. I have realized the N USED me, I was just a ploy to get back at his ex, and would give him every reason to try and gain custody of his son ie. we purchased a beautiful 4 bedroom home and immediately began our family. This was all the N ploy, beautiful home, two siblings for his s, and a caring, nuturing, loving wife. "I've", notice I said "I" have raised two children, s and d, now 15 and 16. The N wasn't involved much with our children, especially when his son got older and wasn't coming around much. My relationship began to deteriorate when the N realized this wasn't working and his s would probably NEVER want to come live with us. Chew me up, spit me out!! The N was done with me.

I have been married for 17 years, received divorce papers on our 16th wedding anniversary, (such a N way). Our children are now 15 and 16 and presently they are not even speaking to me. I have been accused of having an affair and the N tried to set me up to get me out of the residence. Games, games, games. Parent alienation is severe and I'm fighting through the courts to get our children into counselling. Something a N never wantes to be faced with for fear the professionals will figure HIM out.

He is a pro, I'm wife number 2 and quickly he has moved onto the next victim, probably telling her what he told me years ago.......and the cycle never ends!!!

This destructive disorder must be stopped by all those mothers out there that are or have been faced with a N. I, so desperately want help for our childen.

Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated!!!

Molly

Shania73 · member Joined: 30 Apr 2008 Posts: 62

Molly,
You said

"Parent alienation is severe and I'm fighting through the courts to get our children into counselling. Something a N never wantes to be faced with for fear the professionals will figure HIM out. "

I understand much of what you are discussing, I think for many of us, we have experienced the Parental Alienation, but if your N is anything like mine, he loves using the term on me. I have never said Parental Alienation to him in my life, but I have emails from him using the term on me and that that is what Im doing to our kids.

In my situation it was my N that brought up the counseling for the kids in court and that they needed it. (It was in an attempt to say they were messed up emotionally, that it was because of me and he wanted help for them) A smear campaign. All in all it didnt smear me, but the judge advised counseling (non reportable to the court counseling, so what is said in there cant be yanked out and used in court)

We had to agree on a therapist (oh boy another fun thing, try to agree with an N)

In the end, he never set up the counseling, didnt respond to my choice of therapist, about 5 mos past he then sent me a scathing email of how I havent taken them to counseling as ordered by the courts? (umm it was his idea so I was gonna let him set it up)

He didnt, he didnt reply to my choice of therapists and now it was all my fault?

So what did I do? I asked around, got a name, set up the kids appt (N wanted to be present when I took them) I didnt tell him when I went and just took them myself, and told the therapist I would not sit in the waiting room with the ex either. So he basically began setting up the therapy sessions on fridays they were with their Dad alternating.

My kids have been in therapy over 2 yrs now. He took them steadily at first, went in and griped about me (make sure its for the kids and not for the adults) the counselor does talk to the parents, we give updates or concerns, but the sessions are for and about the kids.

My N began to ask for paper write ups on what was wrong with the kids, he told him "I will do it but you cannot use it for court, I told you I wont testify" Remember the non reportable counseling added by the judge? This is where it stops, his files are private, but he will of course report flat out abuse to Child services if it is said to him by the kids.

I kept having people tell me not to worry. I was worried still, because an N often abuses and manipulates therapists and I was afraid of him conning another one. So it depends on the therapist, but this one has been awesome, the kids have been going for years, the N finally stopped taking them over 6-7 mos ago, stiffed the counselor with his bills(he was coming in and not paying and saying hed pay later, he didnt)

He then began calling him on occassion in crisis mode about the kids, but then when the therapist offered to come in during off time to meet with he and the kids hed change his mind (He just wanted to call and gripe, have a listening ear)

He used the kids sessions to talk about me, and the therapist let me know he had to tell my ex to "BACK OFF"

So it has been beneficial. I got a top therapist in town with an excellent reputation, I asked! He works with kids and hes male, which I think the male aspect is the great part in my situation as its male to male when N deals with him. And he has even said if ex threatened to STOP taking the kids he would write a letter to the courts about that (he wont testify and let ex yank personal info about the kids, but he will say it will be detrimental if they stop coming to see him)

So in my situation, the therapist has been wonderful and plus my kids have a safe place to go to vent and it wont be share or drug into court.