Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

Shania73 · Joined: 30 Apr 2008 Posts: 46

I have been dealing with my P for years. I spent 3 yrs trying to divorce him and all of the legal hell and games they pull along with that.

Now trying to parent two kids with a person like this with joint legal custody, ugh. All the games, I have taken him to court for child support, custody, restraining orders...

Ive suffered from anxiety and Post Traumatic Stress all these years.

I am always reading, attend therapy, involved in support groups.

Ive tried being nice, being mean, being firm and clinical, all of it and with a P it seems nothing works.

And I cant go No Contact because I have kids and that requires a level of contact. Ive limited my contact as much as is possible.

A member here quoted a line from a book "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin De Becker.

I went and got the book and its been such a lesson and eye opener to my whole situation.

It is the first book that truly explained to me what was going on and what sets him off, his mindset and what is beneficial and what will make matters worse.

So I have a new mindset. I feel free in some regards as if some light bulb and "Secret" wisdom was given to me. Like where has this book been all my life?????

Im curious has anyone else read it? If so has it helped you also? And Id really urge others to GET IT ASAP. It explains intimate partners, people who dont let go, stalkers, domestic violence, No Contact and people who want contact at all costs, even if its negative, even if its thru court or an officer at their door, its still contact...

Anyone else read this yet?

Summer · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 895

Shania,

I know what you mean,it is so hard to have complete NC with children involved!
I am glad you mentioned this book, I had heard of this before but never read it but now I am going to go to the library and see if they have it, you really got me interested in this now, thanks!

I read your other post and did exactly the same things you have tried.When the Kids Attorney told me that the N was insisting "we" (me and N) communicate-I told the Kids Attorney I would agree on email comminication ONLY and only if it was SOLELY regarding the kids.
It was then put in the court order for me and N to communicate via email for all kids matters.
Of course even this did not work, the N has never emailed me a single thing regarding the kids.If I email him about the kids , N either ignores me completely, or emails back a tirade of abuse accusing me of false accusations,making me out to be a bad parent, or dictating to me what, when and how I should do things.

One time my youngest son was sick while in my custody-I called the school and had him excused, called the doctor and made and appointment because S had a fever, then within 15 minutes of that I emailed N and informed him-N emailed me back in a RAGE demanding I tell him IMMEDIATELY next time,if our son was ever sick,,even though I had emailed N within 15 minutes!,N still found a problem and made an issue out of nothing.
A few months earlier my other son had been in a serious car accident while in N's custody and N NEVER informed me, put our son to bed with a head injury, and he could have died.I only found out through my daughter who called me and was able to call an ambulance because my son had to be admitted to shock trauma.
After this happened, the Kids Attorney put in another court order that N is to inform me of any and all kids medical issues,, but to this day N still does not, so I really hate having to email him because it is not reciprocal but I only do it because I am taking the high road and abiding by the court orders.
Just like you, I have tried EVERYTHING and nothing has worked with the N. Nothing.You can not appease these people,they are completely disordered, they only change for the worse.

This is a good thread for all of us who still have to have forced contact with the N even though it accomplishes nothing and makes the situation worse, but because of the kids,and because if we do not, the N will accuse us of not co-parenting or some other crazy accusation,,,,maybe we can band together and come up with some suggestions on how to deal with it better.
So far nothing I have tried works.
In my case the N mostly ignores me, so in a sence he has gone NC, which of course is completely fine with me except I do want to know if my son is safe and being taken care of when in the N's custody.Thankfully my son is 15 and can tell me himself, so I am grateful for that but I know there are parents on here who have to deal with younger children and it must be a nightmare in itself.
I am counting the days until my youngest turns 18. Two years and 19 days.I will not only go completely NC, but will also move far away from the N,my plans are to never have to see or here from N again after this.
Until then~ I guess we are all in this together for the long haul~

Summer

NancyCT · Joined: 28 Feb 2007 Posts: 1362 Location: Connecticut, USA

My story is the same. I will only use email, he will either ignore it or pick out one thing he sees as threatening and rage about it - usually his perception that I'm accusing him of bad parenting, although I am ever so careful to word things in a non-accusatory way. There is absolutely no communication, no co-parenting to speak of. I have had to contact the doctor directly when I couldn't get info from XN. Same with the school.

All of my attempts at communication have failed. I give up. I even spoke to the kids' therapist about it, she thinks I'm asking for to much if I have hopes of co-parenting. Malignant optimism. So, I parent as if he doesn't exist. When they are with him, both kids have cell phones I can contact them with (that I bought against his protests that they don't need them), so I never have to call XN's house.

I will also check my library for "The Gift of Fear", thanks for the recommendation.

Shania73 · Joined: 30 Apr 2008 Posts: 46

Nancy said

" So, I parent as if he doesn't exist."

Nancy that is where Im getting to also.

I ended up in court It got so bad where mine even said the kids were emotionally messed up, I would not email to "Co parent" with him, we were ordered to "Co operative parenting classes", my ex was saying he wanted to do "Counseling" with ME to parent more effectively. :::Barf::: I will never agree to couples counseling with him ever again, did that for 4 years at the end of the marriage and those were just crazy making sessions of manipulation. I finally got help when I sought SOLO counseling, domestic violence counseling and divorced him.

After the co operative parenting classes the emails started to be about the book/manual for the class and all that I was doing wrong, trying to arrange sit down meetings with the instructor.

What is maddening about all this is to outsiders it seems like he is just this concerned Dad who wants to co parent. They dont know about the insidious side I deal with. That he doesnt give a rip about the kids, he cares about contact with me any way he can get it or retaliating against me.

It has gotten to the point where I have had my boyfriend read the last few emails before I would even look at them and tell me if there is anything in them worth me hearing as Id rather have them deleted and not know they even exsisted.

I get anxiety just checking my emails.

No more, no more handling things the way I have tried. Im parenting like I am a single parent.