Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

littlemiss · Joined: 01 Mar 2008 Posts: 5 Location: USA

Hi everyone,
I'm new on here but feel the need to communicate with others who have been through or are currently going through the same experiences as myself. I've been married to a narcissist for 25 years. We met in high school and married and now have two children. I was so young and naive when I met him and then over the years he has seemed to gain more and more control over me. I knew there was a problem...after all...he came from an abusive home...an alcoholic mother...a father who was abusive to him and his mother who also had a mistress, had children with her, along with other girlfriends. I never realized he was a narcissist until about a year ago. I didn't even realize that I was being abused until two or three years ago. He didn't beat on me and didn't drink a lot like his father so I kept thinking he was different. What I didn't realize that he was the same, only in different ways. He hates what his father is and becomes defensive if you mention that he's anything like him. He hit me once when we were married about five years and said he was sorry and it would never happen again because he had also said he would never hit a woman like his dad did. Instead, he punched holes in the wall when I did something that made him angry. He's had at least that I know of...five affairs. Those are the only ones that I'm SURE of. One of those was a more intimate affair that I believe he loved. He actually looked at me in the eyes one night when we were making love and said "I love you, Dee Dee" and that was HER name and not MINE. He's shoved me, harrased me, mentally and psychologically been abusive, and even spirtually. He "keeps me in line" by using our children. If I get out of line then he turns on them. He knows that I've reached the point of leaving him so now he's created this wonderful husband attitude...being good to me and buying me expensive jewelry. He makes me feel guilty because I want out of the marriage. He's a deacon in the church and very outgoing. I get looks from men and he tells me he'll break their arms and legs. He then tells me that no one would want me for more than a one night stand. That I'm the narcissist and I'm crazy. He feels threatened when I'm successful in my career, won't allow me to have single friends and wants me to be friends with the wives of "his" friends. He's very critical of everything I do and I never know when he will explode. He can be loving and gentle and then at any given moment he turns on me. When he's mean to me he always wants to end it that evening by making love. It's as if that's reassurance of my love for him. I give in reluctantly because all I want is peace between us and know that's the only way there will be any. And yes, I still love him but know that for my own sanity I can't continue to live like this. I now see the damage that it has done to our children and fear that they may turn out just like their dad. I've stayed out of fear of change and the unknown and because I also felt that I was doing what was best for my children (in a twisted kind of way). I'm full of confussion, sadness and turmoil. I know that unless I can better understand myself I risk the chance of ending up with another man just like him. I no longer have the confidence I once had and tend to be quite and withdrawn when I'm in a crowd. I was always a bit shy but since I've been with him, I tend to be quite in fear of saying the wrong thing when I'm with him and then have to suffer him embarrassing me in public. He made he feel for years that I was always the one at fault and I've felt guilt for that but have come to terms with the fact that he has made me feel that way. So now, it's that I don't take responsibility for things. He is never ending...if he sees he's not getting the reaction from me he had hoped for, then he changes his tactics. I've always wanted to believe the best in people and kept believing he was sorry for his actions and truly wanted to change. Studying narcissism, I see that this is only something that he uses to his advantage. I see now that I can no longer concentrate on saving him but on saving myself. I feel that I've come a long way and have broken that emotional hold that he had on me for so many years but I'm still having a hard time making that final break.

"C"

NancyCT · Joined: 28 Feb 2007 Posts: 1371 Location: Connecticut, USA

You are not alone. I can very much relate to so much of your story. I too was married to my XN for 25 years, with two kids. Unlike me, you seem to fully understand the situation you now find yourself in. Fortunately for me, the fist through the wall gradually became physical assault, so I was forced to face reality. Like you, I also thought it was best to stay together for the children's sake. I was very, very wrong and now I'm sorry that I subjected them to witnessing the abuse for as long as I did.

The things he's said and done to you are textbook. The sudden rages, isolation from family and friends, projection of their disorder onto us, using the kids as weapons to wield against us, these are all experiences many of us here share. Your reactions and feelings are normal. Just as they project their disorder onto us, telling us we're the crazy ones, we project our love and compassion onto them, believing they love us, are sorry for the abuse, and really want to change. It's just projection. They are not capable of the deep feelings we imagine them to have.

Do you have a plan to get out? Have you spoken with a lawyer? Are you seeing a therapist? Are your children seeing therapists? Seeing you say "no more" is the best thing you can offer those kids now.

You are now faced with the opportunity to embark on an incredible journey, and I hope you fully embrace that opportunity. Once you are out from under the N's control, you have the chance to become your own person. I was married at 21, never allowed to establish my own independence. Now my life is my own for the first time, and it feels pretty darn good. It was hard at first, but it gets better with each passing day.

From my experience, if someone had pointed out the red flags to you before you were ready to see them, you would not have listened. Friends and family are now telling me how they've tried to warn me all along, but I always defended the XN. I can see now that they're right. They did try to tell me, but I loved him so much I couldn't see through the fog.

Welcome to the forum. I'm sorry you had to find your way here, sorry for your pain, but the fact that you did find your way here means that you're probably on the right road. Congratulations.

littlemiss · Joined: 01 Mar 2008 Posts: 5 Location: USA

Thank you for understanding and your words of encouragement. No, I haven't sought therapy, an attorney, or finalized any plans. I had a job that paid well but that I didn't enjoy and was under a great deal of pressure with this job. He refused to let me quit and look for another and between the stress from the job and also from him I finally had a breakdown and walked out of my job. I have finally found a new job that I enjoy but doesn't pay anything like my old one. I want to get myself established well in this new job before I do anything drastic. I just don't feel that I have the strength to deal with settling into a new job and also dealing with single parenthood at this time. I can't go to therapy at this time because I know that he is following my every move and may use some of this to his advantage. He has stolen so much from me and I have been slowly trying to rebuild my life...with the job...with making friends. I know that all of this will make me stronger. I joined "Reunion" in hopes of connecting with others and also began posting on message boards. He put a block on our home computer and has somehow tracked me on the message boards and has been harrassing me. He has also involved his brother and at least one friend in the harrassment. I no longer get on the home computer. I didn't even know what a narcissist was...but I've begun researching this and I'm currently reading a book called "Men who hate women and the women who love them". I'm not out to hurt him but I simply want him to leave me alone. How can someone continue a life such as this and never tire? He has so much energy and I feel as if I've been drained of all of mine. There are no shelters where I live and I can't call on family, and I'm very limited in the friend department. I feel that this is something that I have to do alone.

NancyCT · Joined: 28 Feb 2007 Posts: 1371 Location: Connecticut, USA

A word of caution: When my XN was at the "fist through the wall" stage, I was repeatedly warned that I would be his fist's next target. I didn't believe it at all. He had never physically harmed me, and I couldn't picture it happening at all. He used to be the gentlest man I knew. Well, they were right, it did happen.

These Ns are all cut from the same cloth, as if they all follow an instruction manual. If he is violent toward inanimate objects in your presence, you are most certainly next. Believe it. Don't be taken by surprise like I was. I ended up adopting the habit of always carrying my keys, my cellphone, my wallet, and a voice recorder, even when I slept. That was no way to live.

It won't get better, it will get worse. Please consider a plan to get out. You will never feel like you're ready, you just have to do it because you have to. Please stay safe.

Heidi1960 · Joined: 07 May 2008 Posts: 2

So sick to my stomach. Met my husband a little over a yr. ago & I have to say the 5 months I was dating him was the BEST time of my life. He was so so crazy about me & we had so much fun together that my daughter who is now 16 would always say "you 2 act like little kids" since all we did was laugh until our stomach hurt not to mention everytime he came here he would take me out for really expensive dinners, pay for my groceries, even pay for my make-up....paid for everything including my daughters sweet 16 & more. As I'm writing this I feel sick & shaking. Well everbody loved him including my family, friends & daughter. He wanted to move in during the summer but I was a little nervous since I did have this weird feeling about him. Even the 1st night I met him which was on-line I saw something weird in his eyes. Well he lived an hr. away but he ended up getting a job close to my house well yes he moved in & then a month later we got engaged. Things started changing little by little where at 1st he would give me his pay checks & then every other week & then right before we got married which was in Nov. on his birthday no less which I did for him so he would never forget which he said "that is the best birthday gift in the world". Well the paychecks stopped & also he told me he was in trouble for money since he owns a co-op & had to pay the bills there so I let him borrow $2800 from me (mind you I cannot work since I'm on S.S.D) which he said when his co-op sells which was in contract he'll give it back. The co-op fell through & that was it.
Married 5 months & he moved out 6 times & yes he's also a drug addict. Pills, pills & more pills which also after the 1st fe dates with him he did tell me he had a vicoden addiction (30 pills a day) & being the way I am I just wanted to help him & found him a Dr. who got him off the Vicoden but that doesn't matter since he takes so many different pills that I want to call his Dr. but very scared. Then he lost his job due to drugs, kept catching him in lies, so so sneaky especially with his cell phone, made up the sickest stories plus I found out he was in jail for 4 yrs. & there were guns in my house which 1 fell on my face & have a nice scar...please. He did move into my home & all we did was fight & he would verbally & emotionally abuse me & even punched a whole in my wall. Every time he moved out he would either do something to my house like break the door or take my medication which I need for panic disorder & laugh but stupid me kept taking him back. I was always there for him emotionally, finacially, etc. just for it all to be thrown in my face. My savings is gone & then I took at $10,000 from my credit card to pay bills which he claims he doesn't have a credit card but just got the mail & his statement came in.....liar. This man (my husband) knew I was in trouble for money since the $10,000 is gone & my house is now for sale not to mention I weigh 86lbs. & look so sick which when he left Sat. night (may 3rd) he said to me "look in the mirror you're so disgusting & skinny" amoungst other things & calls his mom who is 93 & says "it's throwing me out again". I'm trying to get my life back but it's so hard plus this is my 3rd marriage.....please. He did leave me a few messages just saying he wanted to talk to me so I finally called him back yesterday & I did give it to him telling he is a psychopath/con-man & he's not going to mess with me & told him I went to a Lawyer which I did & he was crying so bad saying "I can't believe this" & I told him if he doesn't sign the papers he will be served & he kept crying & said I'll call you back" but never heard from him & I know he's telling his friends, family, etc. that I'm the crazy one. Well I finally had enough since I had to go on a anti-depressant. Cannot believe how I let this man ruined my life that it makes me sick but at least I'm only married 5 months & I am done although it hurts since I still look at pics., e-mails he wrote when we were dating, etc. since I CANNOT BELIEVE how this man changed as soon as we got married which was 7 months after I met him. Hopfully someone can write back since I feel so sick & panicky & I will probably get a restraining order.

Heidi

littlemiss · Joined: 01 Mar 2008 Posts: 5 Location: USA

Hon, you should count your blessings each and every day that he was only in your life for such a short time. An N just takes and takes until you no longer have anything left to give. Their actions also become worse over the years. Maybe you should seek counseling while you're going through this period of your life. It may build an inner strength in you. Good luck to you and stand firm throughout your divorce.

Heidi1960 · Joined: 07 May 2008 Posts: 2

littlemiss · Joined: 01 Mar 2008 Posts: 5 Location: USA

You will probably find out in therapy that you didn't lose your friends because of you marrying so soon but because he wanted to separate you from your friends. They do this in order to gain more control over you. This sometimes keeps a person there because they feel they have nowhere else to go and that their spouse is the only person they have. Good luck to you.

momofnavygirl · Joined: 09 May 2008 Posts: 2

I too am married to a very controling man and he is drunk every single day. He does not buy anything for the house nor does he help me with cleaning or cooking. Sad

He forces me to have sex with him, i am not allowed to visit my family or my adult children. I am not even allowed to talk to them on the phone. Everything is my fault, from his drinking problem to his actions towards me. I am threaten every day. He use to beat me every single day and now for the last 5 years it is his mouth. I often think of sucuide. Hell has to be better then what I go through every day. I am accussed of being with other men daily. And everything I do buy it is ours according to my husband cause we are married. Even the only thing he buys is booze. I do not even want to go around his male friends or relatives cause I am accussed of them. Me and my adult children are constantly degraded. My children do not come around any more because of him. They are not his children. 3 mos. after I meet my husband 8yrs. ago I got my first beating. I am told I am fat, simple minded, selfish, worthless and care for nobody. I am not allowed friends. I just do not know what to do. I just bought a house and cannot afford it on my own and I feel stuck betwen a rock and a hard place. My husband is of another race and tells me I am perjudice and none of what he says is true. NONE. I have not cheated on him or gave him reason to think I have. I am not racial, fat or anything else he accusses me of. He tells me I cannot cook or clean. In his eyes I do nothing right. I can not talk to him cause he uses it against me or turns it on me in a bad manner. What do I do? Is there help for this man or myself?

Sandra · Joined: 10 May 2008 Posts: 1

Hello Mom of Navy girl
Your best hope, actually your only hope, is to get out of this relationship now. A house is not worth ruining your life for. This man is not going to change, except for the worse! You deserve much better.

"He forces me to have sex with him, i am not allowed to visit my family or my adult children. I am not even allowed to talk to them on the phone. Everything is my fault, from his drinking problem to his actions towards me. I am threaten every day. He use to beat me every single day and now for the last 5 years it is his mouth. I often think of sucuide. Hell has to be better then what I go through every day." I am accussed of being with other men daily. And everything I do buy it is ours according to my husband cause we are married. Even the only thing he buys is booze. I do not even want to go around his male friends or relatives cause I am accussed of them. Me and my adult children are constantly degraded. My children do not come around any more because of him. They are not his children. 3 mos. after I meet my husband 8yrs. ago I got my first beating. I am told I am fat, simple minded, selfish, worthless and care for nobody. I am not allowed friends. I just do not know what to do. I just bought a house and cannot afford it on my own and I feel stuck betwen a rock and a hard place. My husband is of another race and tells me I am perjudice and none of what he says is true. NONE. I have not cheated on him or gave him reason to think I have. I am not racial, fat or anything else he accusses me of. He tells me I cannot cook or clean. In his eyes I do nothing right. I can not talk to him cause he uses it against me or turns it on me in a bad manner. What do I do? Is there help for this man or myself?[/quote]

momofnavygirl · Joined: 09 May 2008 Posts: 2

I do not know how to get out of my abusive relationship with my husband. I am not allowed around my family or friends and I can only get on the computer or phone when my husband is out running the street and getting drunk. My family will not take me in cause my husband has threaten to find me no matter where I go and he is not affraid of any protection order at all. He has been out and in of prison most of his adult life and could care less for the laws of the land. He has even told me he knows where I work. I just feel there is no way out. I am just so tired of being told how I feel, how I think, what I should and should not do and when I get ready to go to bed at night he awakes me and will continue to degrade me for hours verbally and my children. It just seems like he thinks he is litterally God and I am to worship him and do as he says and not what he does. I cannot talk to him cause he uses it against me or at me. He never has anything good to say about me. Never! I have even called the domestic violence shelter only to be told to get a lawyer. I cannot afford a lawyer. I just feel like I am suppose to be a remote control robot to my husband. Told how I think, what I should do, and not do. How I feel. I am told how I am a horrible mother, grandmother, wife, cook. I don't take care of my personal hygeine. I am a terrible housekeeper. And most things he blames on me he is guilty of. No body wants to come visit me cause he makes it torture for them by starting to degrade them or me. According to him everything is my fault. I know I should leave and soon but I do not know where to go or what to do. My best bet would be to get out of state but I know nobody out of state. I am just at the end of my rope and do not know where to turn. I know I cannot go through much more of this life style for much longer. It is at the point I cannot even stand to be in the same room as my husband or even hear his voice. I do not want to lay in the bed with him but am force to. Like I said he therory is do as I am told and not what he does. HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!! PLEASE!!!! I need out of this relationship before I lose my mind completely. I feel like a p.o.w.

NancyCT · Joined: 28 Feb 2007 Posts: 1371 Location: Connecticut, USA

See the section, Creating a Plan to Get Out

http://thepsychopath.freeforums.org/creating-a-plan-to-get-out-t734.html

Look up the domestic violence hotline in your area. They will be in the phone book. They can help, this is what they do, what they are there for.