Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

wendy d · Joined: 03 Jan 2008 Posts: 148

Hello I am not sure where on the board to place this as although it is about my family I am not sure if it is as abuser or victim my mother is speaking.

My story is "Freedom's just another word" and is on the board but is not needed to repeat any history for the purposes of this post.

What ever fears, pain and confusion I have experienced is what many of you have and my story is so much like all of yours too.

So here it is 5.5 months since he left and of course I am still angry, confused and working on things. He is involved with the same people as me and continues to cause upset to my adult children emotionally. I have had absolutely NC since he left myself.

The following is catch up not meant for sympathy but to show my situation and build up for what I am going to ask you.

Currently I am living under forclosure of my home and am very ill with a permanent condition. Without notice he had the gas cut the other day and it is still freezing and snowing here. Anyway my personal situation is tough as is many of yours. Court is still in the future. By the way I have since had the gas reinstated but am still in forclosure with an unknown future.

So I call my mother for support and sympathy. This is what I got. What does it mean? I am very confused.

My mommy told me:

All men do that you should expect and accept that behavior, don't look for sympathy.( She brushed off all his behaviors as normal!)

You should think about his first wife and children and how he must have done the same to them.

(They live thousands of miles away and we have never met or talked)

(OK, and this first marriage was ended long before I met him, his "children" are in their mid 30's and are very successful professionals on their own).

I told her this was now, recent, current, emotionally painful and tough on my "children" who just recently realized all this man offered over the years was a big bucket of lies. I told her I did not believe this was "normal " behavior for men and if it was it certainly should not be as acceptable as she seems to think it is.

Once again she went on about that the world and men were just that way, accept it and quit thinking I was hard done by.

Once again she urged me to think of the pain he left his first family in, that it had to be worse for them.

Then I explained that for the 10 years I was married to him I listened over and over to him cry about what a lousy father he was and I gave much thought and sympathy to his "children".

As he talked of his past marriage during ours I sympathised many times with his ex-wife's pain and confusion sometimes to a point he got angry with me. So I told my mother it was my turn now.

She actually became argumentive with me and says I am being difficult and hard to get along with. The whole thing has left me hurt, confused and feeling like I have no supports here now as she was my last place to safely go and speak freely.

What is going on? Any insight? Suggestions? Anything?

wendy d

littlecat2 · Posted: Mon May 05, 2008 12:49 pm Post subject:

I'll be honest here, Wendy, I am having a bit of trouble following your story ... probably because I have not read too much of the history. But, here goes anyhow. As for your mother .... she sounds like she is one of those "man-hating women." One of those women who just paint all men with the same color brush .... they're all evil, horrible people. My mother was the same way, and I will admit to you, that I struggle with this same thinking pattern, even though in my head I know better. So that is for your mother. Otherwise, when you say he had the gas turned off ... well, that is a despicable, hateful, evil thing to do to someone. This guy is a truly sick person and you need to be rid of him. I think you know that. You asked "why your mother said that" .... well, she believes it ... that's why she said it. It does not sound like she is very healthy emotionally herself and not a good person to go to for either advice or sympathy.
abby
_________________
<*)))><

wendy d · Joined: 03 Jan 2008 Posts: 148

Thanks littlecat2 I guess I knew she was emotionally burnt but needed confirmation outside of my circle. Basically my family wants nothing to do with me if I continue to speak out about this unexceptable behavior. The people around my life are not well mentally and emotionally so supports are difficult to find nearby. I am basically told I am wrong for thinking any of my exes behavior is off the wall even though I know it is so. It makes it tough when he is financially involved in my friends and families lives as they are concerned with only themselves and the outcome of their financial relationship with him.

Oh well it will soon be over and I will be divorced and can move on.

Cookie2 · Joined: 28 Feb 2007 Posts: 1395

Hi Wendy......This is pretty much what happened to me when I finally got up the nerve to leave the abuse and divorce the abuser......My dad I knew was totally gutless about what to do if my long term husband the p called him......He said as much to me........Most parents wouldnt have a problem hanging up on them or even telling him off....but my father didnt have the guts......my mother always said he had no balls! My sisters were always bitches to me and my kids so that was just a no brainer to n/c them...n/c my dad I hated doing but knew I had to.......I did it for 5 yrs and he died recently......amazingly he held on for 2 extra days(according to his dr) and the Dr asked the family who he might be waiting to see so he could pass and they called me!!!!!!!My sisters and x husband had long since convinced me that my dad didnt love me and when he sided with the xp during the divorce and said things like'I never saw him hit you' I bought it...hook....line....and sinker.....Found out it was never true but stii thought it was when I went to the hospital when the Dr called me to say he was waiting to see me b4 he passed......told my daughter on our way out I still didnt believe seeing me was his dying wish....she said if he dies soon we will know for sure it was...He died within 1 hour after we were there.....I since found out he cried over loosing me many times and no one in the family would call me and tell me.........xp was even invited to MY dads 90th birthday party....I was not..........p's are sooooooo very convincing and it really is sick...
_________________
I have a photographic memory....I just don't have same day service.....................Cookie

wendy d · Joined: 03 Jan 2008 Posts: 148

Thanks Cookie2,

My family is only blocks away yet not one talks to me or asks how life is. I am very ill and getting worse fast yet it seems that my family members forget I exist. My adult niece and my ex are buds and he is her landlord yet her brother(15) stays with me because of the abuse at her house.
He (my ex) was the power of attorney for my mother and he babysits the children of the very women he proclaimed to hate because I was doing this. Now I do not associate with my neice anymore as it is awkward and she tells him my private stuff if she hears any thing. Since they are neglectful and abusive in their own families and towards their children they would rather have him around then me as he agrees with these methods. One mother picked me over him and I see her children often, although they still see him she has strict limits.

My family down the hill gets almost hateful towards me when I bring up the subject and examples of abusive behavior. They are especially angry as I have gone public through letters to the newspaper about my opinions on abuse. They refuse to talk to me because of my beliefs regarding personal respect and boundries and if I talk about what I learn here they act as if I made all this up and expect them to just believe me. Yet they won't read anything themselves.

I try not to let it bother me that the very people who saw how badly he treated me act as if we are still equals in their lives except they cover up for him and help him hide his money. He abandoned me in a most wretched manner. The cruelty of his actions is minimized by them. They all know how sick and weak I am. My famly has abandoned me along with my ex.

There is really no one here that I can debrief or discuss this with as all the folks I know are somehow intwined with him somewhere. He is a landlord of many rental units and it is in everyone elses best interests to keep on his friendly side. We built the rental management company together but he took it all with him when he left and took my source of income as I can only work from my home. We had rented to a lot of relatives and friends.

Now he eats out in fancy restaurants, takes plane trips on holidays and helps people struggling to pay rent. I meanwhile am housebound, struggling financially, living in a home in forclosure, suffering acute illness and being told by my mother and family that this is to be expected and that is that. He is not a bad guy for what he is doing he is just a guy.

Cookie2 · Joined: 28 Feb 2007 Posts: 1395

Its BULLSH** Wendy........People like this are either scared to death of this ass or so utterly stupid and niave that your so much better off w/o the likes of them......Even Dr Sam writes about how dumb these people are....so easily taken in and even tho they have seen things with their own eyes or like my 2 grown kids who have been beaten up by the p too....yet choose not to be involved with the mother who was a constant shower of love to them....they would rather tolerate the p's nasty mouth...calling them names...horrible and vile names.......Wendy....its THEIR problem now...NOT OURS! They have showed us that they deserve the p's........well they've got them....I say ENJOY! Rolling Eyes

_________________
I have a photographic memory....I just don't have same day service.....................Cookie

Cookie2 · Joined: 28 Feb 2007 Posts: 1395

Wendy...I have asked members on the p general page and the n general page to post their experience with this subject.....your NOT alone and I want you to see it.....Check out those pages and those threads in the next few weeks ok?
_________________
I have a photographic memory....I just don't have same day service.....................Cookie

wendy d · Joined: 03 Jan 2008 Posts: 148

Thank you Cookie2

wendy d

baby_kay · Joined: 05 Mar 2008 Posts: 135

Wendy D,
I want to step out and say this, I too am going through a foreclosure issue at the moment, and I sympathize, because I know first hand how and what you feel. I read your posts, and I want to bring something up. Here it goes. Maybe the foreclose issue, although very scarry, is exactly what you should do. Leave an area where no one cares and helps you. They are all around you, and nothing, they are all intertwinned, and you are left, monitoring your feelings, as well as your words, regarding whose company your in. Sounds like alot of work, and very lonely. And you are ill. I say, find a new home, and a new place, where someone can and will care about you. The thread, in this revelation is that you need to get going. Leaving, and in motion. You are to be somewhere else. I hope if you read your posts, again, you could maybe see this????
Just my thoughts?
Kim

wendy d · Joined: 03 Jan 2008 Posts: 148

Hello baby_kay,

I am so sorry to know that this stuff happens to others although being told it is helps me not to feel so alone. Getting clear and solid advice helps so much along with all the related stories, experiences and advice from the others on this site.

Thank you for coming forward with your insight and advice. I have actually been talking about leaving this town. It is not very big and I don't want to live with caution all my life. I can not see the same people every day knowing they somehow were allowing these atrocities by their silence and complicity in helping him. I am weak and he is strong in all areas except maturity. Will this help me?

There is no real reason to stay once my home is gone except for the children I have come to know and love. These kids don't need me as much now and it may be just the right time to move on, any good influence I have had will never leave them now. I feel that your message was sent for a reason and I do think it is time for me to move on.

As I said this is something I have spoken of here at home but the reaction has been so negative and I am "punished" in various emotional ways for contemplating this. I hear constantly that if I move I will let a lot of people down and abandon many who rely on me. This is strange as everyone I know is a parasite on my life and is sucking the life out of me by their demands on my time and emotions.

If I think of myself I am called selfish. When I put others first I stagnate in my own life. This will never change as long as I stay in this environment.

I really am very ill and do not have the strength to do much more than care for my basic needs right now and this in itself is a struggle. If I stay my life will be shortened by the demands put on my body and mind and my last years will be miserable.

Yes, I believe a move is in my future.
Wendy d

baby_kay · Joined: 05 Mar 2008 Posts: 135

Wendy D,
I thought and thought, and prayed about you. You, can and should be selfish. You are ill, and it sounds like very lonely and scarred. I want you to promise me, and the others here, that you will take charge of your life, and put yourself first. A saying I like "Don't make someone a priority when they only make you an OPTION". I stays in my mind, and hear it all the time now. It is good advise. I am in the same boat, but I have a wonderful husband, and loving children. I don't have any one in my community that really cares, I don't have extended family to worry about. Life is an adventure, and made for living, and it breaks my heart, because it sounds like you are dieing. Literally. I ache for you to trust that if god brought you to it, he'll bring us both through it. Our homes, are not what matter most to us, we matter most to us. Life. You can and will find another home, I will too. It wil be fun, and I will enjoy making this change, and I will pray you do too. Keep posting and know that you are in my heart, and thoughts.
Kim

wendy d · Joined: 03 Jan 2008 Posts: 148

Thanks Kim,

You got it right.

Wendy d