Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

Pretty_Lady · Joined: 17 Feb 2007 Posts: 554

I was not sure which board I should post, but here I am.
I am going to try to make very long story short.

I have had a lot of problems with my family and I know now the reasons are so many. One of them is maybe I am not in soul group with anyone.
My brother is a very unhealthy person. He makes mistakes after mistakes and he wants me to clean up his messes. He uses me for his life drama and other things directly or indirectly. 2 years ago he married to a woman that I told him the second day after I met her that he is making a huge mistake. This woman is from our own old country and not from US. I refused to accept her and I detached from family because I knew I could never be understood. That's okay, because I am a big girl and I can take care of me. My brother went as far as getting physically abusive to make me respect his wife. And when he showed up with his wife unannounced at my front door for my” birthday surprise” I asked her to leave because she was not welcome. My brother's last words were "Till you earn my respect you do not have a brother." Okay, then fantastic. Why you do not like this woman you ask? I’ll say two letters, PD.

So, fast-forward 1 1/2 years. I get a phone call from my mother today. She told me that the brother that I do not have has kicked his wife out because she was cheating on him and had put an ad on a dating site while she is still married of course. My mother is asking me that he is in such a bad condition and he needs my help and support and they would want to come and stay with me for few days if they could. Geezzzz ... how polite, I have been spending my last 2 years in therapy trying to understand at which point in my life I made a mistake for my family not to accept me and love me. But that's okay, because I have found that little girl who has been lost for so long.
I told my mother that I will think about it and I will let her know. I am scared, not because I cannot tell her that they cannot come to my house, but I am scared because they will just show up at my doors. I am scared, because they will take over my life like they always have and they will have me clean up their mess.
I am scared, because I will lose my space and my privacy in my own house, like I have always felt in their presence. I am so scared because I do not want them here and I am still afraid of my brother. Physically abusive, which my mother never acknowledged that he is abusing me and my fear is real.
I did not tell her "I told you so" but I told her "I am truly sorry." I said it from the bottom of my heart because I am really sorry for the lost souls. I also told her that I am going to have to think about how I can take care of myself in this very confusing situation. But my mother is N and I am sure she did not hear what I said.

So, please tell me, what do I do? How do draw my boundaries? What do I do if they show up? He is in trouble, because he also beat his cheating wife and I am afraid he will run here to hide.

ahhh ... I am sorry this is too much, but I need help and I am asking for it.
PL
P.S. Those of you who know me, sorry for disapearing from the board, I have been feeling so weak and trying to move on.

Tearlet · Joined: 31 Mar 2008 Posts: 29

Very Important ... DO NOT LET HIM IN! I recently learned something and perhaps this will make you strong enough to simply not let him into your home.

Now, you did state he kicked his wife out ... but I'm curious as to where he lives now. If he is staying with you and has no residency then you can find yourself in a situation where it is illegal for you to kick him out. I could not believe this when I heard it (with a H who's cheating wife wiggled her way back into his apartment for a couple of days while hers was being worked on before she could move in to her own & turns out, he was now stuck with her.) I looked this up & it is across the states.

I would think this would be easier to deal with over the phone. With your mother being N you will probably need to use short, concise sentences. Somebody on this forum once used the word JADE as how to describe what to do....

Do not,

Justify,
Argue,
Defend or
Explain

Beutiful! I love that. So when you call & state no, do not give reasons why, do not argue your point, do not defend your actions or justify. Simply say NO!

GL

baby_kay · Joined: 05 Mar 2008 Posts: 213

Excellent advice. JADE.
You know what to do and you are a "big girl" and have to not let him or your mother into your special space in this world that you call your own. It is yours. No one needs to "USE" you or your space for any amount of time. This is the brother that physically hurt you, and you do not owe him anything but support. That is it, you don't even owe him that, but acons do the right thing. You are your own best friend, as well as worst enemy and you do not have to take any one in, and give up your life. He made the choice to marry her, and she made the choice to throw her commitment in the toilet for a fling. He has to face his consequence, and deal with HIS situation, not run to mommy and you, to fix it for him. Not your life, or job. You couldn't get him to empathize with your feelings from his wife, and see what happened, she was obviously not a quality mate he chose. Not the first man to make that mistake, and not the last. Take care of self, that IS YOUR BOUNDARY. Do not "Rescue anyone other than yourself". The N's use and abuse, and then shit on you and then kick you when you have done your best.
Take care on this one, and prayers . If they show up on your front porch knocking at your door, do not answer. Leave, take a couple of days. And if you open the door, "say that This is not a good time for me". I was not aware you would be arriving to visit, and I have other plans. PERIOD. do not JADE>

Pretty_Lady · Joined: 17 Feb 2007 Posts: 554

Thanks you so much Tearlet and baby-kay. You have no idea how much your words appriciated and helped me to get trough this pain.

I did call my mother yesterday exactly at 10:00AM. I told her that I am sorry that I can not have them over, because this is very painful for me.
After that I did not have a chance to say much because it was all her telling me what a horrible person I am. When I said I have to go, she hung up the phone on me. This is so hearthbreaking even though I did not expect anything better from her.
I feel better today, but I also feel alone. It's so hard.

Thank you again both of you so very much!!!
PL
_________________
The way out is through the door you came in.
R.D. Laing

limited · Joined: 16 Apr 2008 Posts: 47

I'm so sorry you have to go through this heart breaking experience. The fact that you knew that nothing better was going to happen it does not ease the pain. It's like mourning what your relation with your closer relative "should be", instead of "is", and, for me at least, also a sense of anger for being treated unfairly and not appreciated/loved. I don't know if it would help(any opinions?), but how would a N-relative react, if instead of been told "can't do" without Jade or no, because it is too painful, he/she was told in a somewhat distant/detached manner:"How dare you ask, when you were the one that did not want anymore contact?" Pretty-Lady, even though I don't know you personally I am with you in thought. Hang on...

baby_kay · Joined: 05 Mar 2008 Posts: 213

Pretty lady,
You can do this and be strong. I heard this saying, "Don't make someone a priority when they ONLY make you an option". It is so true, and come to think of it, I read in this forum on a different message board. Someone here wrote it. It was part of a longer saying. It just grabbed me, and I remember it, and think about it, and try to live by it. It makes perfect sense when you come right down to it. Life is tooo short, to always be disappointed. There are far better, and more positive things to be engaging in. Best of luck, and continued support.

justmee · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 692

Southern Lady......

Do you know how many times I have thought of you lately, but did not want to pry. I am glad you are still here.

I agree with the others. I am so happy you did not let him back into youre life....egads, he would have been crying on your shoulders and not listening to a word you said. Your life would have been taken over. As far as mommy dearest....she showed her true colors huh? She is probably mad because she already told him he could and now she will have to tell him he can not.

Stay strong and stand tall.

huggers,
justmee
_________________
If you can not deal with it, or change it, then its time to walk away from it.

thayilflies · Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 499

Hello PL.

"My brother's last words were "Till you earn my respect you do not have a brother.""

This here is the language of the coward. The coward uses fear to manipulate and control because they are absent of soul. And it works. Fear is how the despot, the tyrant maintains power over his population. Fear is how the patriarch maintains power over his family.

"I told my mother that I will think about it and I will let her know. I am scared, not because I cannot tell her that they cannot come to my house, but I am scared because they will just show up at my doors. I am scared, because they will take over my life like they always have and they will have me clean up their mess.
I am scared, because I will lose my space and my privacy in my own house, like I have always felt in their presence. I am so scared because I do not want them here and I am still afraid of my brother. Physically abusive, which my mother never acknowledged that he is abusing me and my fear is real."

Speculation is often more fearful than reality. Usually it is the idea of a worse-case scenerio that we manifest in our minds. This fear can be avoided by not manifesting the scenerio and returning to reality, the here and now. All you ever have to negotiate in reality is the present moment.

"So, please tell me, what do I do? How do draw my boundaries? What do I do if they show up? He is in trouble, because he also beat his cheating wife and I am afraid he will run here to hide."

Because life is so complex and dynamic there is no method that can be applied to the uniqueness of the moment. Life is never so simple and straight-forward, black and white. However, what you can do is cultivate the flexibility to deal with the myriad situations you encounter. I can't tell you what to do, no one can, you have to discern that for yourself drawing upon your experience and nous!

The ACON's tool-box consists of many useful aids. As already mentioned the rule of JADE, another is NC. These two weapons are readily available to the ACON warrior.

Pretty_Lady · Joined: 17 Feb 2007 Posts: 554

baby-Kay,
Thank you so much again!
""Don't make someone a priority when they ONLY make you an option". "
This is so powerful, thank you for sharing. What you said in your post is also helping me in so many different areas.
Thank you again. Hug
PL
_________________
The way out is through the door you came in.
R.D. Laing

Pretty_Lady · Joined: 17 Feb 2007 Posts: 554

I have been always thinking of you too funny lady. Smile

I never ever forgot. Smile

I did not let them in my house and I feel so empty. Does not mean I regreat my decision, but this is just something I am not used to do.
I am growing up and trying to define myself and that feels good.

I read your post to your mom. Did you give it to her? I think that was a good, kind of a closure letter in my opinion. It was a good point for me also to realize that i have never been in the picture even though there was not one physical picture displayed somewhere.

How are you doing and how is grandbaby. Smile

Big hug, so happy you posted for me.
PL
_________________
The way out is through the door you came in.
R.D. Laing

Pretty_Lady · Joined: 17 Feb 2007 Posts: 554

baby_kay · Joined: 05 Mar 2008 Posts: 213

Pretty Lady,
This "empitness" that you speak about, when I really think about it, is right on track. Of course, when you make yourself the priority and not them, you change your role of course, in the dianamics of this sick cycle. I recall this, when I went NC 7 years ago, the biggest empitness for me was holidays. I am married and have 3 kids. What was hard, and felt so empty to me, was that everyone gets together on holidays with their extended family. I went NC with NM and so our holidays were quite, no drama, no fighting, no catty behavior, no NM picking or making comments. The kids at school, felt weird because when someone would say where are you going, or whos coming to your house for Christmas, they could only repond with "no one". So......I let myself and family feel the loneliness. It was double edged. I was and they were happy at stopping the drama, and lonely because we felt like freaks. So...what I did was make holidays, especially Christmas, a time to take a vacation or adventure, just us. No tree, no shopping for presents. I figured that the ages my kids were at, they didn't need or want for anything material anymore. They were completely on board. So, we would go somewhere and buy things for ourselves, and have a great time. They when they would go back to school, they had an adventure to share with friends. Then, the friends in my life would say to me, "I wish we could do that, I hate all the shopping, and wrapping, and having to clean for days, and the whole family comes, messes up everything, and then they go thru holiday let down, because in reality, most people's family are head trips also. So....my point, do something constructive with the emptiness. It is a good sign, because you on your way to something better. WHen you find the strength, insert something in the place, for yourself. Create, some ritual, or .......jump off into the deep end, and step outside of yourself and try something, you would not normally do. Take a class, etc. You name it, I would make an appointment at my salon/spa when their shit would overtake me, or my thoughts of lonilness would kreep inl I would get my toes done, or get a massage, or something. I would be filling myself us with self care, and not dwell on the emptiness I really felt, But feeling it, was necessary to healing and moving on. Now, 7 years later, I can not imagine going back to the way things were, nor would my kids choose to either.
Just some thoughts,
Prayers for good things.
Kim

Pretty_Lady · Joined: 17 Feb 2007 Posts: 554

baby_kay thank you so much again! You are so reight about the emptiness. I also have started feeling very guilty and I can not get over it. This is maybe how my mother wanted me to feel and it worked for her. Regardless, I am just going to hang in there and be strong. The path has always left me used and focus away from my own life. So, whatever the new path brings, I am just willing to face it.

Baby_kay, thanks. Hug, PL
_________________
The way out is through the door you came in.
R.D. Laing

baby_kay · Joined: 05 Mar 2008 Posts: 213

Pretty Lady,
Your most certainly, welcome. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Guilt, is a condition, that makes you feel like you did not do enough, or could have done better. It is certainly the N's way of getting something else out of you. Because in reality, if you don't, who will? They know it, they assigned the role to your meaning in their sceme. You would not be human if you didn't experience some residual feelings. Your role to fix, or be there, can not be filled. That is your role. My role, was the daughter, who forgave every horrible insident, every bad behavior, because, my mother could not, be any one other than the N. I gave so much, and unconditionally loved her. WHen she turned her wrath on me and my family, and kids, is when I severed the relationship. She till this day now blames, my husband, claiming that he is the reason we don't and won't have a relationship. I have JADE ed in the past with her, and it got me nowhere, except feeling horrible. They can not and will not see, because they are N's. It can not work that way. They are sick, and self-absorbed, and you only play a role, in their fantacy of their life. You do not exist a person with feelings, and right to be heard. It just doesn't work that way. So....with all of that knowledge, you can, because you have the time, some good quality things in life to enhaunce your own experience. Anything, but all these feelings will come up and come out of you. You just know...that is what happens. It happened to me, it happens to us all. And it will never be right for you, because you are not a N. You are a whole, beautiful, giving, loving person, who deserves, love and respect, from all who enter your life and heart. Nothing less. It is a long process, but it gets better Wink

Best of luck and keep posting, even on days that suck. Keep venting it all out. This is the best place possible with many many people that understand, and have stood in your shoes, many many times. And are all going thru and have lived through this process. It is an awakening, and it is beautiful.
Peace

Pretty_Lady · Joined: 17 Feb 2007 Posts: 554

thank you baby_kay again. It's little better now. I guess when all the guilt is getting away, I feel little better about my decision and get a clearer picture. This is the first time I have truly said "NO" to my family and it breaks my "good girl" image. I think it should have been broken long long time ago. I have tried so hard to please these people. Anyway. I feel better and I have rest of my life to enjoy being just me.

Thanks for being there and sharing your experinces.
Hug,
PL
_________________
The way out is through the door you came in.
R.D. Laing