Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

leigh · Joined: 27 Apr 2008 Posts: 4

Through some recent conversations with friends who were also raised by narcissistic mothers/fathers, I have started to realize how perfectly my own mother fits the definition. It doesn't amaze me that, at age 35, I am just now making this discovery; while growing up, my brother and I were brainwashed into thinking that my mother was THE PERFECT mother and my father was a mean, sadistic bastard. My mother is an expert at remaking reality in the minds of her children, and for years I did not have a relationship with my father because I was forced to adopt her beliefs about him. My parents did not divorce until my brother left home for college, and her treatment of my father and his reaction to that treatment scarred me in ways that only people who come from dysfunctional homes can understand.

The reason that I am writing this post today is that I just had an experience that put me right back into my childhood, and I wanted to share it and see if it might be a common experience with mothers who have NPD. Today, one of my co-workers and I were having a discussion about something buisness related and we disagreed. It has taken me years to get to the point that I can openly disagree with someone (most of you reading this will understand what I mean by that), and in this case we both were fairly certain that we were right. My co-worker said these two simple words to me, "wanna bet?" and I felt six years old again. It took me a moment to realize why.

First, a little background on my mother: she is one of those NPD who thinks that she is smart, but really she isn't. She has almost no common sense, and is nearly incapable of soving all but the simplest problems on her own. That may sound harsh, but I lived with her for 18 years and cannot recall a time when I saw her solve an adult type problem on her own.

Back to why I felt 6 years old. Whenever my mother would make an obviously wrong statement, or tell a lie that my brother and I could catch, we (mostly my brother) would call her on it. And invariably her response was, (you guessed it) "WANNA BET?". This wasn't said in the friendly way that my co-worker said it, but rather in a demeaning way, as if to remind us children that mothers are omniscient and that we should not attempt to prove any different. One example that sticks out in my mind is this: My mother and I were in the kitchen (I might have been 10 or 11 years old) making dinner. She wasn't really letting me help, but was giving me simple jobs and then telling me how badly I was doing with them. We were having spaghetti, and she took the ground beef out of the supermarket package and started to separate it into the pan for cooking. The outside of the ground beef was a healthy red, and the inside was the color of mud. My mother proceeded to say nasty things about the supermarket and how they always hide the "bad" ground beef inside the "good parts" (as if this were even possible). She then proceeded to throw the "bad" ground beef in the garbage. I had been over at a friends house for dinner not long before this incident, and we had spaghetti for dinner. I liked going there because they let me help make dinner and made me feel good about my contribution. As it turns out, the subject of dye in supermarket ground beef came up at my friends house that night. So, as my mother and I were making dinner, I innocently enlightened her about the fact that the outside of the ground beef is dyed to make it look more appealing so that people will buy it, but that the inside meat isn't bad simply because it's not bright red. I did this because our family was broke most of the time, and I didn't think we could afford to be throwing away perfectly good food. WANNA BET was next. My mother suggested that the loser of the bet should eat the "bad" ground beef raw, and because I'm not stupid (I knew who would have won that bet) I said that I did not want to bet and she must be right. I can think of dozens of other WANNA BET incidents from my childhood that follow this exact pattern.

Today, with my co-worker, I actually said that yes I did want to bet. I lost the bet and gladly bought the Starbucks coffee. And I realized in this process that I can do something that my mother to this day is not capable of - I can admit that I am wrong.

Has anyone else had similar experiences?

baby_kay · Joined: 05 Mar 2008 Posts: 168

I believe that the "right fighter" in your mother is another symtom of her N behavior. Because, if you can think your right, and be proven wrong, and be OK with that one, that is why you are not N. No one is all knowing, and beliefs and opinions differ in any range from person to person. Or someone is enlightened regarding a certain subject, and the goes to the open mindedness of people. But the N....nope, can't get any of it, because to be knocked off there "Right" place, is just tooo much, and so, of course you are just a stupid, young child. My mother would ripe apart others all the time, if she was even corrected by anyone. She would say nasty things about her friends after they stayed with us. I would be like, "WHy would you invite someone to stay here, and pretend to like them, and all, and after they leave, hurl all the judgements and putdowns". Seemed like a waste of ones time to me. It took me till I was around 37 to finally go NC, and until the last year to give my NM condition a name and such. Takes a while, but the longer your in, the more you seek some kind of reason, or answer before totally giving up on your own sanity. It was relief actually for me to find this forum. And the others whose stories when you read them, sometimes, you'd swear you wrote them. Its sad, and its comforting in the same instant. Good for you for testing your limits and having confidence, that you can be wrong and its perfectly fine. Thats growth outside of the game that N play. I am a mother of 3. I found that "apologizing" to them for my reactions to them and their behavior, was something my NM would and still can not do. Just a simple 'IM SORRY", ........ and hugs and kisses. Another one is to ask for their forgiveness, if they have been wrongly accussed or misunderstood by me. Its so little and yet its soooooo big. Its freeing to know that I can do this. I wished my mother could have. But she is N, and it is not possible. When you research more and more, I think you just have to get it, that they are not capable of alot of things. Then you don't expect, or wish anymore. I always say "Crazy people, are just crazy", you don't and can not reason with crazy, well same with the N's. They are just N's, and thats that. And we know better. So, high five to you for your learning and being brave and enlightened enough to get your "Wanna Bet",. ahha moment.
My hat is off to you.

limited · Joined: 16 Apr 2008 Posts: 47

Well, congratulation! To be able to admit when one is wrong and the ability to apologize are two of the things that create a huge divide between who we are as people and our N parents. I NEVER heard my N mother apologize to us children, or admit that she was wrong or made a mistake. Unless…her mistake was due to somebody else wrongful action and so it was not her responsibility. A banal example: any time she broke something it was ALWAYS somebody else’s fault, even if they were in the opposite side of the house!
So you can have a normal relationship with your co-workers, children, and spouses. The N goes through life as an incomplete human being with warped, undeveloped relationships. Somehow though the fact that I outgrew emotionally my parents doesn’t completely quell my pain. I have come a long way, but I still have a little voice inside me that cries foul and wants to be loved the “right “way by this incapable parent!

Lost · Joined: 22 Nov 2007 Posts: 14

I have an NMIL and a co-dependent FIL and your post brings up 2 small incidents that happened during there last visit. 1. She took my then 1.5 year DD upstair with her and like usual forgot about her and started watching TV. DD somehow crawled back to the stairs and fell down head first Sad

. Me and my FIL were in the kitchen fixing something (we heard a loud rolling down, fall and then her cry)...I rushed to pick her up and was trying to consol her and check for injuries. All my focus is on DD (obviously)...FIL chimes in - she didn't fall from upstairs, she just fell from last 2 stairs.... Exclamation

...this comment made me so mad...I was thinking, how do you know? You were in with me in the kitchen. And we heard her fall and she won't be crying so hard if she just fell. And off course the revised story was told to my H when he came home. The second incident - NMIL is making tea, try to pull a cup and another one fall off and breaks into pcs...no big deal right...but it is a big deal to N's. they can't rest till the blame is shifted. i told her to take DD to another room while I clean the broken glass. FIL is upstairs...come down after 1 hour, told to all audience...it was not mum's fault, it was the fault of the person who kept the tea cups in the first place (that would be me). These incidents though small is screaming N....so so strange. My MIL's "wanna bet" statement is when confronted...she will say "so you think I am lying???" or "if I an lying, may god give me cancer" yikes!! any normal person would just shut up after that. My ((hugs)) to everyone dealing with N parents.

Tearlet · Joined: 31 Mar 2008 Posts: 29

Good Job! It might even feel like a little revenge to be able to 'take a bet' in a playful manner.

My trigger is the word 'proud.' It sends shivers up my spine. It bother's my H I cannot reassociate this word to a positive. I just seems like such an 'ownership' type of word.

zanderman1 · Joined: 01 Aug 2007 Posts: 371

"If I'm lying, may God give me cancer"!?!?!

Okay, it's a DEAL!