Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

Berwyn · Joined: 26 Apr 2008 Posts: 2

Hi,

I just joined today. I'm studying Psychology at uni and we have to write an essay on Narcissism, but I cant bring myself to do it because the more i read about it the more i see my ex in the words and its eating me up so badly.

I met her start of 2005, she was my sister's best friend's sister and lives about a block away. I hardly talked to her that first year but she ended up asking me to her formal. I had always liked her, she seemed nice, innocent and quite pretty so i jumped at it. We started going out on her formal night and the relationship lasted 2 years.

The first year of our relationship was the best year of my life so far. She was my first girlfriend and she was attentive, extremely loving and affectionate, and I was and am crazy about her family. That first year we hardly had any fights and any we did have were put to rest almost immediately.

A year on was christmas and it was about then that things started to derail. I bought her this amazing ring, I didnt want to spend that much money on her but I just saw it and had to get it for her. It meant the world to me and I couldnt wait to give it to her. When I did though she went all funny at first she was excited and thankful, but shortly afterwards went all quiet and insisted she didnt deserve it and that she hated it. She then said she hated it cause it was gold instead of silver and she hates gold and I should know that and threw it at a wall. Later she calmed down and wouldnt stop saying how much she loved it. (8 months later she threw it into a bush during a fight to hurt me. We never found it, it was the nicest ring ever. gold with a blue topaz in the centre and two diamonds either side. It kills me to think its lying in the dirt somewhere I still feel like belongs with her. After doing this she tried to rationalise it by blaming all our problems on the ring saying it was possessed [madness])

Since that christmas she became completely unstable. She started blaming me for everything and quickly became very irritable. She constantly blamed me for all our fights and wouldnt let me apologise for them or try to fix the situations she would just keep telling me that I had let her down etc. I remember once after a fight I bought her chocolates and flowers to make up for it and she started a fight immediately because the chocolate were my favorite and she preferred another brand and that I should have known this.

I let this all go on too long, I could never tell her the things that she was doing to me was hurtful because whenever I tried to tell her that she had hurt me she would take supreme offence stop listening and try to start a fight with me. She slapped, kicked, punched etc. many times for little reasons e.g. One time we were driving and she was annoyed at me and I needed to message a friend so i did so at the lights. I would have asked her to but she wasn't talking to me. She then got out of the car at the lights and walked off. When i parked the car and found her she slapped me for ignoring her.

It just constantly went downhill, if I didn't immediately message her back when she messaged me, she'd get aggressive, if I didnt call her during the week she'd get aggressive (even though I saw her every day because we lived so close) This task I found especially hard because for over a month she'd fight with me every time we talked on the phone usually because she thought I wasnt being myself or wasnt truly interested in what she was saying (I always was). I still panic when I hear the phone ring.

I found myself constantly being given the blame for everything and I just started accepting it that everything was my fault which made my life so depressing because I always gave everything I could to try and fix our relationship but every effort I made was met with resistance and her telling me how I was ruining us.

I just became this complete nervous wreck in the end, I had to keep changing my phone message tone because every time it rang I started panicking because so often it was her cutting in to me about anything.
Everything that happened that was good for us she'd try and take credit but every time something bad happened I got the rap.

She was also insanely image conscious, she constantly would ask me to tell her how beautiful she was which became very draining.

In the end she went on an end of school holiday. 2 days into it she rang me on the phone crying. It turned out that she had cheated on me and was scared I was going to dump her. I calmed her down and assured her I wouldnt and that I understood she was drunk at the time. Although I was supremely hurt by it. I told her I had forgiven her and she should keep on trying to have a good time. I was mainly so forgiving cause she was out in the street drunk at the time and I was worried.

The next day she sent me a few msgs asking me if I was ok. I said I was hurt but I understood it wasnt her fault and its ok and she should go have fun. That night she rang me and started screaming at me over the phone. She was pissed that I hadn't called her that day to check if she was ok. I mean I was the one who was cheated on and I didnt even get a call!?!! I tried to tell her this-- didnt go down too smooth. she just kept on going on about how I was a jerk and how I should get over it etc, the phone call went on for over an hour. Afterwards she went out and cheated on me again that night I later found out, just to spite me. The rest of her holiday went ok she kept messaging me how much she missed me and how much she loved me.

She came back, wouldnt talk to me for over a week without telling me why. I then find out she has a new BF. so i "dumped" her the second I found out. It was mental the day she left for the holiday she was going on about the furniture we were going to have in our room when we were married. Two weeks later it was like I was never even there.

Since then I found out shes already cheated on her new Bf. She said to me in jest that she had a secret lover apart from her bf (I dont know why) but i had already heard that this was true, I told her that and her response was "It's not my fault guys think I'm hot." The most disgusting unimaginable thing I've ever heard anyone say. It makes me want to be sick.

She still keeps contact with me, I cant avoid it because she lives so close. She wont stop going on about all the guys who "stalk her" or like her. She also keeps telling me how shes "besties" with another of her ex's and still treats me like dirt whenever i run into her, but at the same time keeps alluding that she still loves me.

What on earth do i do? I know its crazy but despite everything I'm still insanely in love with her. Its been five months now and its only getting harder. What I told you all have been the bad times but in between fights we were inseparable, and I just feel so empty now. I've tried seeing other girls but I feel nothing. What do i do. please help. Do you think i'm right in thinking shes a Narcissist? How can I move on? does it get easier? I know I shouldnt get back together with her that shes not good for me but Its so hard to think straight. Do these people ever change?

Waiting patiently
Berwyn.

gentlesoul · Joined: 20 Apr 2008 Posts: 3

I wanted to let you know that the pain you are feeling is the pain I am feeling, too, and I empathise and understand completely. I understand the soul-wrenching, life-shattering sense of loss and disillusionment you are experiencing right now, and though your logical mind realises you were damaged and used, your heart still yearns to have what you THOUGHT you had.

I was just dumped by my boyfriend of three years (see post "He said we were twin flames" in this forum) He cheated on me, tried to come back to me, cheated on me again, and cut all contact with me. He also subjected me to three years of manipulation and abuse, and I realise now that he just needed me to get a visa to live in the US.

I wish I could say something that would erase all the pain--I wish this for myself, as well, because the emotional devestation has all but destroyed me. I am still alive, but I feel like I should be dead. I think time, and the love and support from friends and family, are what will help us, slowly, get better. I wish there was a fast forward button to get us through the worst of it, but we have to go through it in order to heal.

Nothing your ex did had ANYTHING to do with you. I know you have probably had endless hours of self-blame, of wondering if you had changed just one or two behaviours she may have stayed, etc. etc. I call this the torture chamber of the mind. As most people on this site will tell you, there in NOTHING you could have done in order to make an N stay. They do not see people as people--they see people as a means to an end. At any second, a more "attractive" N-supply may crop up in their lives, and they will ruthlessly drop the old N-supply. Because we have a heart and a conscience, we are left in shambles. But for an N, it was just a necessary step in order to get what they wanted--AT THAT TIME.

N's don't think long-term. They just think in terms of "How can this person help me NOW?" They will feed of good N-supplies as long as they are getting some benefit. As soon as the N-supply wants a REAL relatiopnship, friendship, or business partnership, the N will become angry, sullen, abusive, avoidant, jealous, controlling, or simply disappear.

My ex found a woman 20 years older than himself who apparantly has all kinds of "spiritual" connections, including some sort of link to Deepak Chopra. I was just speaking to one of my ex's friends who has been stabbed in the back by my ex--chucked aside in favour of this new gal's connections because, naturally, there's more in it for him to be tied to these people than to be a loyal, loving friend.

There is only one strategy for an N--and that is to secure constant N-supply, no matter what the human cost is. Hearts will be broken, wallets emptied, lives shattered, and the N won't even bat an eyelash or be aware of what s/he did.

The last thing my ex wrote to me was that he hoped he was a source of light and love in my life. He has no awareness of the immense pain and destruction he caused me, and he never will.

Sadly, these people cannot change. They are damaged to the core--there is nothing we can do for them. They will continue to go through life, stepping on people in horrendous ways--We aren't the first, and we won't be the last--to become victims of their brutality.

My heart goes out to you--for what you have suffered and endured. You tried to be a loving, wonderful man, and you unfairly received abuse in return. Just know that there are so many true, genuine people in this world who actually have a conscience, and who actually want to give and receive true love.

You are a precious soul. Always remember that in your heart. She may have shattered your dreams and stolen away a big piece of your soul, but in the hollow she has left, a true, loving soul will come and fill it, overflowing---the deep grooves in your heart have left more space to for you to hold love and joy.

N's will never be able to experience that in their lifetime here on earth. Pity them.

gentlesoul · Joined: 20 Apr 2008 Posts: 3

Thank you, Berwyn, for taking the time to read and respond to my personal story. I admire your courage--your steadfast soul.

Thank you for your kind words and understanding--I pray that soon our pain will be healed and we can once again smile, and feel total joy in our hearts.....
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Doubt is a pain too lonely to know that faith is his twin brother