Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

taniax · Joined: 20 Apr 2008 Posts: 8

Hello, I am new to this group, I have been in agony for now almost three years of my life, ever since I met my (i think) narcissistic boyfriend.

My story is long winded, and full of pain and shame for me to post, but I need to be completely honest.

I was married to a wonderful man for 17 years, and together we had a 9 year old son. The past couple of years of our marriage weren't great, he was a bit older than me by 13 years. Financial troubles meant that I went out of the home into full time work, and my husband took care of our son at home.

All of a sudden a whole new world opened up to me, and I developed a strong attraction with a male co worker. His sense of humour, and portrayal of himself, as a lonely, single divorcee, with three almost grown children, and had me completely smitten, I seemed incapable of controlling this attraction, and it developed into an affair. After we had slept together, I knew I had done everything that was despicable and wrong in a marriage - my husband adored me, and I cheated on him. I didn't feel deserving of our marriage, and I knew that I also couldn't continue to live a lie - I had donned the "rose coloured glasses", and beleived this man I was having an affair with, was my one true love.

The alarm bells started ringing shortly after our second or third encounter - we were "necking" in my car after work, and he informed me that he was "emotionally involved with someone else". My heart stopped, because in my head I thought we were IT! I know it sounds so completely delusional, I was a mature 37 year old woman at the time, and completely head over heels. I asked him what this meant, and he said that she was a married woman he had an affair with, and he was waiting for her to leave her husband. They lived several hundred km's away and they had been involved in an affair for a couple of years. I then pulled away, and said that until that was sorted out, I didn't want any part of this, I had gotten involved in something that was way over my head. He reassured me that he knew it was time for him to "move on" and to please give him a chance. Like the fool I was, I beleived him.

It wasn't until later that I discovered he had also had discreet affairs with other women in our workplace. When I asked him directly about this, he became angry, and defensive, and denied it. I knew it had nothing to do with me, but I felt I needed to get a handle on this situation.

I left my husband, and we sold our family home of 14 years. I purchased my own home, with my son, and my husband and I had agreed to share custody of our son. On the day I moved in to my new home, I received a text message from my husband telling me to not try to find him, he was going away for 6 months. I was devastated, partly because I knew my son would be devastated without him, but also selfishly I wondered how this would impact on my new relationship. I felt so insecure and guilty all the time and deep shame over the pain I had caused my husband.

My boyfriend,- I discovered was an outrageous flirt at work. He is not attractive in the conventional sense, but extremely charming. Not long after this separation, while lying in bed at night, his mobile phone would ring at one in the morning. I would ask him who it was from and he would say he didn't know. More alarm bells.. Over time, he became more and more secretive. He would turn his phone off, when around me, or delete all of his messages - yes I started snooping, and found that he had been texting his ex, and she had been sending him love letters.

I would confront him, and he would become extremely defensive and angry.

We went away on a holiday to a tropical paradise, and our world was perfect, we talked marriage, a future together, it was the most wonderful time of my life.

When we returned, life got back to normal, I was feeling insecure, as he would never commit to living together, he always wanted his own space. He lived alone in a unit owned by his mother, and paid her minimal rent.

We didn't have much of a social life, because i didn't want to dump my son off to strangers, but his younger daughter (14 year old) would often come to stay and we all hit it off. His two older children, a daughter of 19 and son of 21 , hardly spoke to him, he left their mother to have the affair with the married woman, and virtually abandoned them, the son especially couldn't forgive him for that . I also thought it extremely strange that he didn't have any friends - only femal e friends. We would argue over this, because I said that if they were only friends, then why couldn't I meet them. He made me feel like a jealous and spiteful woman, and I had never experienced this before - but I was a jealous person, I was extremely jealous and insecure.
My friends and family didn't like him at all, and were constantly warning me about him.

His mother (82 years old) thought I was wonderful - she thought that I could change him, she was upset that he was so lazy, and didn't care about her investment property that he was living in, so I would clean it and do the garden. She always thought I was too good for him.

Around this time I also discovered a library of pornographic materials- books, and dvd's. Our sex life was fantastic, and I felt sick that he would masturbate to these women, when we had great sex. I didn't know if this was normal or not - my husband never used porn - (that I know of anyway after 17 years)

A couple of months later my husband committed suicide. I was completely devastated and even now two years later, I still can't come to terms with it. I blame myself entirely and cannot forgive myself for the pain I caused him.

I was in the process of a career change. and secured a job with the government, but it was a depressing career working with juvenile prisoners. My boyfiend wanted to join the adult prison system, but had failed repeatedly the fitness testing at previous attempts. I got him fit, prepared his resume, and coached him through the panel interview. He got the job.

From the moment he entered his training school - he changed - I knew that there were lots of women there, and I felt so jealous and insecure, he would come over less and less. He would socialise with them, and would never invite me. When he started work in the prison, I have never seen anyone love their job as much. I knew he had women around him who he was flirting with, I had seen him in action before. Although he would phone me about 4 to 5 times per day. My gut was telling me he was getting his "ego fix" from work mates. We couldn't have a conversation about anything other than his work. I would tell him you work in a prison, there is more to life than a prison environment. He would then accuse me of being jealous of him, jealous that he loved his job, jealous that he earned more money than I did. He was right, I was jealous -
everything in my life was wrong, and everything in his life was so easy. He paid hardly any child support to his ex wife, hardly any rent ot his mother, had no responsibilities, earned good money, he had the good life - while mine was in tatters - I wanted to be like him.

He was a different person at work, charming, hard working, likeable he attracted women. I always thought it strange that he had no male friends, or even old friends, only women he found in the workplace

I tried to break out of this now toxic relationship - I needed stability and committment, which he couldn't give me - I would go out with my girfriend and all night he would text and phone and ask who I was with, who I was talking to , when would I be coming home. I was flattered, and thought this meant that he really cared.

He would tell me that he loved and adored me. I would ask him, then why can't we begin a life together, and move in. He didn't want to - he always said why can't things stay the same.

My self esteem had melted away - I am an attractive intelligent woman, and everything about me, now centered on him. In my previous life, I was a national champion horse rider, and competitor - now my entire existence revolved around him. I thought I wasn't good enough, if he didn't want to commit to me.

A month after my 39th birthday, I discovered I was pregnant. A part of me was thrilled - this represented a new life, a sibling for my son, I didn't realise that I wanted another child, until this pregnancy.

My boyfriend was devastated - he said in no uncertain terms, that if I had the baby - I was on my own. I pleaded with him, to at least talk about it. We were financially secure - both had good jobs, we had been together for 18 months. I understood that at 48 he didn't want any more children, but for me the decision to abort was not one I wanted to make. At the end of it he knew exactly how to manipulate me - I was tired, stressed, scared and had no support from family. He said to me that if I wanted to "ruin his life - just like I ruined my husbands life to go ahead and have the baby".
Those were the magic words, I had an abortion. I was devastated and ashamed, and didn't understand why I didn't leave him then - I had never seen a man so frightened - he was crying and screaming at me to "get rid of it". I couldn't bear to ruin his life, and I knew he would always hate me for it. Instead now I ruined my own life, and hate myself.

This was another death, and all I could cling to was this man. He promised that he wanted to rekindle what we once had. But my domestic life with a young son, bored him - he barely tolerated my son. He had a terrible sense of humour - which nobody got - except for him. He would make derding remarks- even to his own daughter Whenever I said anything to him, he would become extremely defensive, get in his car and leave - and we would argue more and more. I always went running back to him, I just couldn't face being alone - even though I was alone.

We couldn't go anywhere to a restaurant without him complaining about the meal. He always felt like he deserved special treatment, and if a meal wasn't to his liking he would embarrass the waitress and make her take it back.

He would also refer to himself as a third person or entity - his name was Lynton - and he would call himself "The big Lynt - The Lynt Machine, - "Lynty Man", and flex his muscles in front of the mirror. He began looking up porn on my computer, and accusing me of being over reactive when I told him how much it upset me. He would binge drink, absolutely get blind drunk and argumentative three or four times a week. He said I turned him to drinking. Every thing was my fault. He said I was unstable - I beleived him, I felt insane. I felt as though something was seriously wrong with me.

If I said anything, we would erupt into an enormous argument, which he would later say he was sick of the fights. I would try to talk to him, and he would say "You know I don't talk". It was toxic , I know, but I felt so reduced, and try to regain some control over my own life. I wondered what was wrong with me to be clinging to this "shell of a man", when everyone else could see it wouldn't work, I was trying so hard to make it work, to make him feel something.

I would say the worst things to him, I would become verbally abusive, I hated this about myself. I would say anything to get a reaction. He would just blank out, either leave, or sit on the couch, drink beer, watch porn, anything to avoid me.

Two months ago we had a wonderful weekend away, in a hotel. It was fantastic. The sex never died between us, it was always good. Then the night before my 40th birthday, he said he was going out with"friends" from his training school (which was 18 months ago), I asked him if I could go as well, seeing as it was my birthday the next day, I would get a babysitter, and we could have a night out. He didn't want me to go, he said it wasn't my birthday until tomorrow, and he would see me then.

We argued again, I told him that I didn't want to see him anymore, I couldn't handle the pain. His reply was "It isn't over until I say it is over".

I was a mess. For another two weeks we limped along. And then one day He just said I don't love you anymore. He cut off all contact. I knew he had found someone else, and it turned out he met her on his training course and works with her. This must have been goiing on all this time. Everything I was worried about happened.

I am absolutely devastated. My logic tells me I am well rid of him, and nobody deserves that kind of torment. All of my jealousies he blamed me for were founded, this has been going on for all this time.

He gets to be so happy with his new woman, while my life is in tatters. He never even looked back, it is as though I never existed. He refuses to speak with me, I begged and pleaded with him to try again. I said I would change. He told me I was pathetic - I know I was pathetic, and I hate myself for it.

I am so lost, and don't know how to recover from this. I don't know if he is a narcissist and I am a hopeless co dependent - but I do know I have lost my self in this, and don't know how to ever get back to the person I once was. The things he said and did, were so cruel. I don't understand how I can know this on one level, and still be too weak to still want him back. Someone please help me make sense of this.

littlecat2 · Posted: Mon Apr 21, 2008 1:11 pm Post subject:

Hi, there .... well, you've been through it, haven't you? There is a lot in your story that is so very sad, and so very sick ... I hope you don't mind me being so blunt. After reading this, the only advice I can offer is you need to get into some fairly intensive, on-going psychotherapy. There is a reason you've allowed all these things to happen to you, repeatedly, and you need to get to the reasons why and deal with them. Otherwise, you are certain to keep repeating them over and over and over, as evidenced by your history. Talk to your family doctor - talk to someone you trust - who can give you a solid recommendation for a good licensed Psychologist (not a Social Worker, not an MSW - this is no job for the less trained). You need to speak with one or two of them and decide which one you feel most comfortable with .... start working with them and keep at it until you begin to see what it is within you that attracts you to these people and allows yourself to be used and abused in this way. Please come back and let us know how things are going. Take care.
abby
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sweetcaroline51 · Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 540 Location: Canada

You do have alot to deal with. I have to agree with Littlecat here-get yourself into intense therapy NOW. Healing from an N encounter is a long, hard process without the added burden of guilt over the death of your ex husband. I think that with time and therapy, you will come to understand that the N has actually done you a favour by leaving. They move on so quickly because they are incapable of caring about anyone-ow included. When he has had enough of her he will do the same thing. That though is neither here nor there. You need to refocus and worry about you and how you can move on. He has made it clear that it is over and you have to accept that and go forward with the help of a therapist. Good luck
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Caroline