Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

ginap · Joined: 14 Apr 2008 Posts: 1

Hi,
I need some help, support, advice, My ex walked out end of november for the 2nd time in just over 4 years! this followed me finding out the truth about the previous split, their was a girl in work he cheated with then lied about staying friends with her when we got back together, he lied about everything for the last 2 years and attacked me verbally if the subject of her ever came up, even walking out!
My finding out and needing him to cut her out and generally being disgusted I think caused the walk out? The problem is we work together in connected departments luckily she has left!

I only wish this was the only issues I will try to explain why I have found this site, the past 4 years have ruined me! We met in work, he was charming, funny, confident etc mad about me! after 6 weeks he left his girlfriend for me! I picked him up with his stuff thinking he was going to live with his dad but no that day we went to my flat and he never left I asked him to as I wasn't ready for it, but nothing he wouldn't budge so I put up with it! He stopped me going out it wasn't fair on him - what was he supposed to do it wasn't his flat! he didn't know my friends didnt want to come out etc I stopped going out! it made life easier.
He started telling me what clothes he didn't like, what to do, criticising me! started putting pressure on me in the bedroom if it didn't happen then comments and insults even when I was ill. Noone liked him my friends, family thought he was abbusive, arrogant, I didnt like him, but couldn't end it for some reason.

I bought a house as a distraction and felt I could as he was there to help!, my career rose, my money, I paid for everything bills, holidays, bought and ran his car, let him use everything of mine he had nothing, he earns alot less has no savings and spent the whole time drinking his money away and building up debt with me funding him to keep the lifestyle and debt at bay.

He lied to me about all sorts, hid everything his financial situation, quantity of drinking it went from cider to vodka! kept his emails secret, phone, everything he shared nothing, but would go through my emails everything I had nothing to hide but he would make issues out of everything! He took money, borrowed, just lived his life for him!
I worked increasingly to pay for everything he resented my job my money my saving would criticise and belittle! He would have a go saying it was unfair on him as he felt he couldn't go out when I was working! so he would but I would have to give him money then go and earn it again!
He took over the house told me what to do, never complimented me unless I asked, wouldn't help round the house would sit drinking, watching tv playing on games consoles he is now 27/28 i'm almost 30.

He blamed everything on me every arguement he lied because I didn't have sex with him, he twisted everything to be my fault always brought up sex to kill a conversation make me back down, I stopped questioning, arguing just got on with work, cleaning keeping him happy.

He wouldn't do anything unless he wanted to so many half jobs done round the house, broken plans etc

He stayed friends with this girl buying her presents, flirting in work, defending her over me, prioritising her, he was about to cut her out when he walked out, going back on his word and becoming her best friend again more so than before.
She said it was a breakup fling nothing more who knows, the way he acted lack of trust I had for him made me hack his emails I found ones between them he had kept for 2 years.
He has not changed anything in his life nothing career, money, never wanted to buy into the house pay bills, he had some of the most irrational logic I have ever heard like if he paid towards the bills he would be entitled to some of my lodgers rent! If we had kids then broke up I would owe him for his contribution?

So he has left above is some of what went on I can't type it all its too much just giving a general overview he seems to have narcassist traits one of which has become so apparent since the split.
I finished work at midnight Im a nurse had an emergency op all day! I got home and he did it "I don't love you anymore I dont ever want children one of our plans! I don't know what I want! none of this is mine,
Im not the one for you, i'm not good enough!" etc just like that he then stayed in the spare room gave me the same stuff again the next day borrowed money and went out on the beers telling his mates we were through! Next day in work he wanted to still do christmas with families but thought it was best it was over didn't know what he wanted etc I told him where to go went home packed his stuff and kicked him out!

That was that I have never felt anger like it, the lies, cheating, he now admits taking me for granted, thinks he was a good boyfriend HA! above all he is being so selfish unbelievably so he took everything he could joint presents things he needed more than me even if they were mine! turned up with his dad like bailiffs for some of the bigger items an old tv, toolbox etc went through my house like a burglar being arrogant slamming doors getting angry at me for not liking it, drove off smiling smuggly! He spent the first 6 weeks out partying, but would come and see me in work everyday still hangs around my department (he could avoid it) keeps insisting we are friends, I asked him to back off he did for one day took full credit for how nice that was of him! He never contacted me out of work till recently I had some time off and got random text stupid stuff when did his car insurance run out etc.

But everyday I hear him being a lad, arrogant or see him doing jobs he never did before, he comes in to see me tells me he is broke, can't go out, took me for granted, gets angry when I do, ignores me when I ignore him, is nice when I am.
I can't figure it out last split that was me going to find him this time I have not bothered him, been as refrained and mature as I can with the anger but if I weaken an angry text (not for over 2 months) he has a go at me tells me to stop like I am harrassing him, he hates us arguing, so I don't but he keeps coming to see me or is just around, colleagues have made comments, none of them like him!

He doesn't ask about me how I am, the family, just says whats going on with him and how bad his life is, forgot he owed me money, says he will do stuff then doesn't, its all about him like he doesnt want me but wants to keep it raw, maybe give him money I don't know! but its all to suit him when he is paid he is around less then it builds up!

How do I deal with this I now find it hard to be polite to or nice to him! I feel like I'm feeding him he mirrors my reactions and seems to enjoy me getting angry like I still care! He gives me no direction as to whether he wants me back or not, I don't know where I stand! He must change for me to take him back but he won't, I keep thinking it will hurt less to get him back as I can't move on, but he would not fix the damage he has done, or change so the anger would be left and I would just have to accept everything again.

I have read up about narcissistic behavior and so much fits but makes it sound hopeless which makes me feel like I will never get over this and move on with the contact, I have to say I have never met anyone who is so selfish, self obsessed, arrogant (with no justification) he just thinks of himself, never the consequences to others and believes that I can be friends just like that after everything and is angry I don't agree or respond the way he wants!

Inside I am left with overwhelming anger, frustration, emptiness, a void, I miss him then I hate him, My confidence has gone I have pushed every man away since there have been some offers!! I'm jealous of everything that I think may of happened scared of what he will do next and its effect on me, the smallest things seem to knock me back.

Any advise or ideas on how to go back or forward would be great as I have not got a clue I have tried every approach to the same result more anger! I've tried to hurt him as payback but it is hard to do! I have tried "abandoment" by ignoring him or pushing him away by knocking him even for what he sees as positive actions as this seems to be an awful thing for Ns and he does hate it, especially if I refuse to accept the occasional rather hollow apology normally made when I react badly to his realising I did have some good points he still hasn't changed anything so its worthless words!!, but it makes me feel bad as it is cruel, I just don't seem to win or feel better ever and he has the hook in me and I want my life back instead of waiting for him to return it somehow.

I know labeling him a narcissist might be wrong but I have read alot now and his background, attitudes and reactions all fit so I believe their is a certain degree of it! or maybe the alcohol is the problem but it doesn't explain his personality and how it has drained me!

Sorry for the rant any response even if its to tell me to get a life would be appreciated.
Thankyou
Gina

melg65 · Joined: 19 Apr 2008 Posts: 4

Ginap, I am replying because I see it has been days since you posted and you are probably desperate for somebody to notice. I have also posted today, and am someone who has repeatedly gone back. I am stuck in the house with him and am unable to afford to leave.

Soooooooooo, you are still young, and obviously very capable in both your career and your home life (buying your own home). I don't have great answers for you, I just did not want you to feel alone in cyberspace.

Take care and read all the advice other people have listed here.

littlecat2 · Posted: Sun Apr 20, 2008 8:15 pm Post subject:

Hi .... With the exception of the OW, which can be a variable, I think most of us here can relate to your story. These N's are infuriating ... they literally suck the life out of us, drain us of everything of value we ever felt we had - internally and otherwise - and leave us lying in the dust. I used to use the analogy that I felt like a dog who had been hit, badly injured, and lying along the side of the road ... N would drive passed and look, but never stop. It just didn't matter. The only thing that really matters to them is themselves ... that is hard for most humans to grasp as that is not how we are, but for them ... it is so normal, so "way of life" that they literally see us as imperfect creatures they need to "help" or fix..... we need to be "corrected and directed," in every aspect of our lives ... what to wear, what to eat, what to think, how to act, whom to like, and often our very foundational belief system is changed. Do not be hard on yourself ... you are, unfortunately, walking the path many of us have also walked and the only thing I can say to you is ... it will get better. No, it's not quick ... it takes time and a lot of anger, tears, outrage, and pain. But, you will get there. And, someday you will realize that you are beginning to feel pieces of "you" come back. You will realize how much you have been controlled, told, dehumanized, and mocked ... that will be the beginning of the upside of this journey. Take care of yourself and do what you must do for yourself at this time. He will continue on in his own little world of "me" ... and now it's time for you to make a world for "you."
abby
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