Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

melg65 · Joined: 19 Apr 2008 Posts: 4

Well I'm back! I did join this site in Sep 07 (however my login seems to have expired) and was incredibly grateful for all the advice (Movedon). I had to move out of his place August last year. I had to get a truck and put everything in storage and move in with my parents. I have a six year old little girl.

This was one of many of his dumpings over many "crimes" of mine. After two months separation, he was back on the communication lines. I now believe because he got wind of the fact that I was going to move to Sydney. After much deliberation and consideration and discussions with him, I entertained the thought of returning to life with him. He repaid my parents the $1,000 they outlayed for me to move out of his place; he contacted my ex-husband to reassure him that he would look after his daughter as if she were his own etc etc etc. I was hesitant, but he would send me text msgs (I still have them) telling me how everything would work out and our love would pull us through. Msgs of promise etc.
You see, my parents said that this was it... if he wanted me to leave again, that they could not have me back there. They had been through enough stress (that was about the fourth time I have moved back with them) whether it be for one night of two weeks.
To date my father still will not talk to him!

Come about four weeks ago I told him that "I had to go to a work do". Apparently when questioned further he realised there would be refreshments later and accused me of lying and that I probably don't "have" to go, and that I just want to go out and have a good time without him. He continued on and on with this belief that I am a liar, and that he hates liars and that I should go. I said that I had nowhere to go and that he promised me that he would work through any problems calmly with me (one of the text msgs). We recovered from this episode, for him to only have another outburst this week. He made a comment which I believe was his way of having a go at me. I said what do you mean, and he just got off the couch and stormed off. I challenged him over his comment and was just told to shut-up. As I had had two wines, he used this as an excuse for my behaviour and that I am a drunk etc. He said we don't have a relationship anymore and wants me gone. He threw out recent cards I have given to him etc and started on his usual trait of packing up my things. The next morning after I dropped my daughter at school he said that I can't stay there anymore and that I have to leave. He knows very well that I have absolutely no money to leave and he knows that my parents will not take me back under their roof. He believes me to be an alcoholic and he hates drunks. I remind him of his mother etc. Lots of babbling about stupid stuff, like when we recently travelled to visit his brother that I sat there and whispered constantly to my daughter on the trip and left him out!!! What the?! I don't even know what he was referring to. After he said to my face that I was not the kind of person he needed I reminded him of how many times he has said things of the like and then two weeks later he wants me back. His comment was that he stupidly forgets what I am really like!

So here I am again. Stuck, literally, I can't go anywhere! He text me at work the same day to say he would be away until Sunday at his brothers house. I told him that if he wanted me to leave again that he would have to pay for that to happen, especially after all the promises that this situation we are now in would never happen. He knows that I was soooooooo hesitant and I feel like an absolute idiot for thinking that the counselling etc would have helped. I can't believe he actually utters these words after everything! What could he possibly expect me to do? I have nothing to allow me to leave. I would have to save for probably three months to get bond for a rental property and removal costs.

I don't know what to expect when he comes home tomorrow?????

littlecat2 · Posted: Sun Apr 20, 2008 8:33 pm Post subject:

Hi there ..... there are several things that jump out at me, and forgive me if I'm overstepping my bounds. First of all, you don't say whether or not you are married to this guy. That makes a difference - at least in the U.S. Secondly, you mention your parents will not take you back ... why is that? Are there reasons other than the fact that they don't want you to become a "boomerang kid?" And, this is the sensitive one, my ears always perk up when I hear the mention of "you're a drunk." In really looking at yourself - truly and not defensively - do you think you drink too much? That's nothing you need to answer here, but only within yourself. It's hard to really say too much since I don't know your situation. But, if you're not married to N, you need to get a job and make arrangements to get out ... be independent and only take care of you and your daughter for awhile. Learn what it feels like to make it on your own, without either your N or your parents. If you are married to N, then you need legal advice pronto. Please keep posting, and keep us up to date on how you are.
abby
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melg65 · Joined: 19 Apr 2008 Posts: 4

Hi there, I am not married to him. I have a job, however, I don't earn a wealthy wage and most of it is outgoing (I help pay his mortgage).
Yes, I probably have two to three wines (sometimes) per night. Bearing in mind that it is ok for him to drink as much as he likes, however, if he is not having one and I am he looks down upon me.
He definitely over generalises about this, because most of the time, we have happy times and enjoy each others company. I did tell him that would it help him if I stopped drinking and he could see how that helped his feelings. That never made a difference to his decision.
He came home from being at his brothers and ignored me, made himself dinner and left for work the next morning leaving a note saying:You have to find somewhere else to live, this place is going up for rent in a couple of weeks!!!
So I rang the domestic violence line and have since packed a bag for myself and child and gone to a women's shelter.
When he realised I was not coming home from work he text me to say that if I had already decided to leave that he wanted his keys back as he did not want me sneeking back in and taking things that were not mine! He is utterly paranoid, his ex-wife apparently snuck back in after she left him and took cutlery, so he assumes everyone is tarred with the same brush.
As far as my parents are concerned they are in their 70s and Dad has been recovering from cancer and basically cannot handle the 'stress' of it all.
I don't know what he honestly believes I could possibly do about getting enough money to pay for removal van plus rental costs within a 'couple of weeks'.
I absolutely feel great hatred for who he is and how he has let me move back under such hesitant circumstances and still do this to me. If he had said, look there is a sub-clause to all of this, if you do something that I decide is not what I want, then you will have to leave, I would never have moved in. It's not like I had an affair, or gambled his life savings or hit his children! They are the things that I would expect instant dismissal for.
My daughter is very upset and to think that I moved her from one school to the next (because the school was right around the corner from where we live). She is now crying because she will not get to play with her neighbours every afternoon etc. Our lives seemed to be on track finally and six months later he pulls the rug out again, without absolutely no care in the world.
I am very very hurt, and so disappointed in myself and feel terribly guilty about my daughter!

kazzab · Joined: 18 May 2008 Posts: 19

I would really like to know what happened to u in ur situation. I have lived with exactly the same person! My problem was that if Ihad2much 2 drnk(easy 4 me as I'm not a drinker) and could not perform for him sexually, he got the shits and kicked me out of the house. These guys are weirdos. I'm not perfect and don't profess to be but for gods sake. What is the problem? I also did the back and forth to mum and dads place (Ilived in Adelaide, they in Toowoomba) my dad also had cancer last year, and I wasn't really allowed too much contact with them because they may influence me against him. My bloody father had cancer! He knew that they hated him. He actually thought that my father looked at him with respect but my dad thinks he is a wanker! He told me when I left nine weeks ago not to trust him. This is the 1st time my father has ever made any kind of comment about a man I've been with and this is the one thing that has kept me from going back this time. I adore this man Sad

(Xn) know it's for all the wrong reasons and also know that in 12 months time I'll be looking at things in a very different way. Go to the housing commission. They will help you out with bond for a new house. If u need to go back, the police will stay outside for you so that you can get anything that you need. U just have to give them 30 minutes notice. Take all of the help u can get. I was lucky. I did fall pregnant to my N and I'm sorry to offend anyone here but I knew that this man would not be there for me so I terminated. He made all the right noises and told me that he didn't agree with abortion but I knew that I would end up on my own, many years older, less chance at a future and with a child that he would poison. I couldn't bear the idea that if I ended the relationship with him that I would have no choices as to whether or not I had to have contact with him. As it is I have moved away and he has not attempted to contact me (he's punishing me! and it kills me.) I know that it has to be this way or I'll be stuck forever. I have deleted his mobile number from my phone, could find it out again if need be but I need to move on. So do you and u know it. Take care. I hope for yours and your little girls sake that things turned out. Sad

littlecat2 · Posted: Sun Jun 15, 2008 3:43 pm Post subject:

Your situation is so confusing that you need to get out, stay out, and get the resources you need to make it on your own. That may mean a woman's shelter, CASA (if they are in your area), Social Services, whatever is available in your area for women who need help getting back on their feet after an abusive relationship. And, make no mistake about it, this IS an abusive relationship.
As for the two or three wines a night ... do not use his drinking as an OK for your own. It sounds to me as though, no matter how much or how little it is, you are using it to mask the pain you are feeling. That is a direct street to still more drinking.
abby
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