Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

windinthetrees · Joined: 06 Mar 2007 Posts: 133

hi all i have been away for a long time--thanks for reading--

real quick--
my mom won't loan us her home b/c she "says" it is too complicted
to share over the phone how to turn water on and off, and a few other maintenace issues. she does not want to get my dad "riled up"by involving him......they live in the snow. it has been 8 + years and
they have never once offered their home to us--(they have two homes--they are currently living at the beach-- mountian house sits empty)...when they are not there. we have two small kids, their grandsons, and not to mention we used to live in this town when i was a young child and moved for no reason. horribly painful experience for me as a 9 year old girl....now they are back living there- and being selfish about the house. bigger issue here for me- i am terrified to ask my dad.
but I feel as an adult i need to- i feel so controlled. advice? he has
N characteristics up the ying-yang. thanks Smile

justmee · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 692

Sorry you are going thru all of this, but if you do get the house does that not give them more control over you?

justmee
_________________
If you can not deal with it, or change it, then its time to walk away from it.

wownowfree · Joined: 17 Feb 2007 Posts: 265

Windinthetrees:

Your parents sound selfish and that they have always put their needs ahead of their children. I've heard a lot of advice on these sites and they all say that it is always best not to be financially dependent on an N. Can you afford to live without their help? If not at this time, can you ask a good friend or other relative to move in with them for a time?

wownowfree

windinthetrees · Joined: 06 Mar 2007 Posts: 133

i finally told my dad to stop talking to me like a child
and that i thought he has always been selfish. now i
will be the enemy, I am sure. not planning on talking to them for
a while. he has caused me so much anxiety and pain.
mistake to tell him? not sure i could live with myself if
i had let him go on and on and not interrupted.
thanks to anyone who read and responded.

lynn1234 · Joined: 14 Aug 2007 Posts: 713

Windinthetrees...

I know it would be nice if we could turn to our parents and they could be their for us. It's frustrating and unfair that we don't have careing helpful parents that other people have..I agree with Wownowfree and Justme.. If you live in their home your N will have more control over you and create more problems for you in the long run and it probably won't be worth it..

I think it is ok to vent sometimes.. I don't know if your Dad "got it" or not but sometimes we have to get some things off our chest....Just don't expect your dad to have empathy or fully understand. (if he is an N)
But atleast you don't have things bottled up..Hopefully it wont give your Dad any amunition to use against you though... I try to refrain from telling my NM how it is..'cause she will just twist anything I say and use it against me.. My NM is very sneaky and manipulative.

windinthetrees · Joined: 06 Mar 2007 Posts: 133

(my N dad) was reaching out to me. how could i have been so dumb?
well, at least i was dumb for only 1/2 a second.
update-- backing up a bit.....a few days after the above confrontation, i called to make amends...now not what you may think... i did not call to say i was sorry forow i feel. i guess i just called to say i don't want this to hang bxn us. well, mistake. instead of agreeing to that, he thanked me for my apology (that I never gave) and began beraiting (sp?) me for what i said. so , we got
into it AGAIN! just as i was about to get off the phone-- he turned all nice ( i was in tears) and "thanked me for calling". I was insensed.

anyway, this AM, he calls at 7:30, out of the blue--he NEVER calls -- and
begins to tell me all about his latest doctor visit (s) . i never aksed, he just went on a monologue for 10 minutes or so about his potential surgery coming up, PT, etc. Never asked how i was, did say a package was on the way for my son's bday, and i actually had to get off the phone b/c i needed to get my boys ready for school. LONG story short-- i thought maybe that was his weird way of reaching out to me-- then i find out
he called my sister too and went on the same monologue. so basically, his call was for SYMPATHY and really an obvious attempt to show me our argument--my need to to be understood for once, went by totally unnoticed.

Shocked

thanks to Lynn, Wownowfree, and the others who listened and
replied. i do feel supported.

thayilflies · Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 497

I'm with Justmee on this one - by taking the house you are tightening the noose around your neck. Essentially you are handing the crazies a loaded gun and offering to pay for your own funeral after you get shot down. Try and get out of their skin even if it means sacrificing comfort and security. The quicker you learn, the better off you'll be - otherwise you're playing the absurdly stupid game of "history repeating." Time to seek uncharted territory! -------> ???

windinthetrees · Joined: 06 Mar 2007 Posts: 133

Thanks Thay. I know you are so right. My only dilemma is that my
husband is not keen on getting our own vacation condo there. so, i feel
like i need to give up going there all together b/c he will only rent there even if my parents are not in town. otherwise he says it is too awkward. it still feels like a subversive form of control by all. we'll see. i need to get over my attachment or find other ways to fulfill my love of the mountains. Smile