Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

cecelouise · Joined: 10 Feb 2008 Posts: 15

Did anyone here grow up with a similar dynamic?

My father was a very powerful, wealthy man. I now think he was bipolar (3-4 days without sleep, then 4-5 days on the couch - not moving), totally insane (shot the TV with a gun because the volume wouldn't work), but I KNOW he was a sex addict. We grew up with very graphic pornography in the house - the kind that was probably hard to find in the 70's. My father stared at me constantly, made constant remarks about my body parts and said disturbing things to me all the time - told me my uncle was in my room sniffing my panties, told me my friend's mouth was a puckered anus, etc. Sorry, I know it's graphic - but I grew up hearing these kinds of things daily. I couldn't walk past him without his making some remark about me, mostly my breasts. Usually he said things like, "I can see you're trying to make them jiggle", or "I wonder why you find it so important to get people to loook at your boobs?". I would be so confused I felt twisted in knots, and totally disoriented.

My mom pretended not to see or know about any of it. She had short brown hair, I had long blond hair. She has brown eyes. I have blue eyes. I developed large breasts. My mom was small breasted.

Over time my mom became more obsessed with my looks than my dad was. She dyed her hair blond, had breast augmentation, then took me to her plastic surgeon's office and told him to put my face on hers. Which he did.

My mom was constantly focused on my figure - she made running comments about my figure compared to my friends', to herself, to my sister. She wanted me to dress provocatively, even made me go to bars with her. She would not go anywhere with me unless I had full make-up on and was dressed to show off my body. It was normal for her to ask men she was dating what they thought of my looks and specific body parts.

I grew up feeling so much shame and guilt. I hated it that my dad was always leering and lusting after me. The more it happened, the more my mom seemed to fixate on me. I cannot explain how much of a sex object I was in my family. I wanted to look good to make my mom happy - it seemed to boost her ego as if she were getting the attention, but it also seemed to make her feel worse - she would tell me how lucky I am to have no wrinkles, how proud of her I should be because she hadn't eaten in two days (always dieting). I was always so confused.

I know my dad had a ring of perverted friends he socialized with. I have vague memories of being made to sit on their laps. My dad was so cruel to me, and my mom never intervened.

Does this situation sound at all familiar to anyone? I was very beautiful when I was young, and I can't imagine how hard that would be for a N Mom. I feel bad about that.

The funny thing is, now that I am old and fat, she's no nicer!!

justmee · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 692

Egads, this is hard to post too. Yes, we grew up in the same way. My dad was....you know and my mom looked the other way.

I just want you to know that you are not alone,

justmee
_________________
If you can not deal with it, or change it, then its time to walk away from it.

cecelouise · Joined: 10 Feb 2008 Posts: 15

Justmee,

I knew I couldn't be the only one! Did your mom end up hating you?

I know it's sickening to talk about - but would be interested to know.

I wonder if you've struggled with the body image thing the way I have?

Take care.

Cece

theresa65 · Joined: 29 Feb 2008 Posts: 1

I am the adopted child of an N mother and a sex addicted N father. He actually comitted bigamy and I found out at 14 he had another family in another state for 10 years...even another child. Now the sad yet typical part...I am now married to an abusive N who has an abusive N mother and father! Also...his 6 siblings, including 2 sisters, all have it as well. He was horribly abused physically, emotionally and sexually. I had to fight them for 7 years, and my husband, for my kids. My husband has cut them off and has been on paxil,depakote, and in intensive therapy now for 2 years. I had to have him sign a marital settlement agreement signing over sole custody, etc, to protect me and my kids. He is desperately trying to stay healthy...but I can never trust him. I am also in my own counseling...diagnosed with PTSD from his past abuse, and trying desperately to save my family. I can't even believe how this disorder is running rampant in our society! EVERYONE I seem to talk to...knows someone or is involved with someone effected by this! Im still in shock.

RedeemedRecovery · Joined: 29 Feb 2008 Posts: 3

I'm shocked--and yet I am not sure why--that others have been in my same situation. I always thought that a sex addict and narcissist couple was a bizarre and rare combination, but if I really think about it, it's not. Self-centeredness is common to both types of people--is it really a wonder that they found each other?

For me it is my grandparents who are like this, but my mother and her siblings all grew up under them too. My family has recognized the narcissism in both of them for years, which is why two of my aunts have disowned their parents. However, the molestation from my grandfather of myself, my mother, and my aunt was not revealed to each other until last year. I lived with this really painful, shameful secret for 13 years, while my mother and aunt kept it hidden for over 35 years. All the while this molesting was going on, my grandmother knew and never intervened.

The hardest thing I struggle with now is choosing to cut all ties with my grandparents. My mother has desires to do this also, but we're held back by my father who says that we should never disown family. By saying this I feel as though he is condoning what my grandparents have done and will continue to do. There is definitely emotional damage that will never completely heal. What helps is what I read in previous posts: "I find myself grieving over the loss of family- not the one I had but the one I hoped for. I think that what has been hardest is to let go of hope for the future." I'm definitely struggling with that.

Does anyone regret letting go of their abusers--both physical and emotional? Or is it the best choice that you made?

justmee · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 692

To answer your ?

Yes, my mother hates me. She looks at us almost like her competion, sick, I know.
Yes to ? two. I have always suffered with body image. Most of the time, I fight it. I am healthy now but was anorexic for a while.

Theresa,
I have a feeling that this is rampant, makes me wonder what has happened to our society.

RedeemedRecovery,
I do not regret letting go. It came to either them or me. Right now in life, I finally choose me. It is the better choice.

justmee
_________________
If you can not deal with it, or change it, then its time to walk away from it.

lynn1234 · Joined: 14 Aug 2007 Posts: 713

Hi Cece...

My mother is an N and my step dad was a bit perverted at times...He made comments about how beautiful my pre-teen friend was ... I can recall him calling her a "sex-pot".. It must have disturbed me to a degree because I usually wore baggy blouses/shirts in an effort to ward off any unwanted attention from him..He made comments that about what I should wear to look cute.. usually something tighter...
I didn't want to look to attractive growing up..nice but no tight clothes to call attention to my figure.. Plus I had already been molested at 5 years old by my moms ex-boyfriend...

lynn1234 · Joined: 14 Aug 2007 Posts: 713

So, to sum it up...
I can relate somewhat to what you are talking about...My step-dad made comments about what a 'sex-pot" some of my friends were.. I am talking about 12 to 15 year old girls!!! I somethimes felt he was judgeing me in a sexually attractive way and once in awhile encouraged me to dress sexier .... which I avoided by wearing loose clothes that didn't draw attention to my body..

My mom had a somewhat competitive response to me when I told her that I was molested by her ex-boyfriend.. She never said anything to comfort me but was sarcastic with me and somewhat competitive about it.. Like at 5 years old, I somehow stole her boyfriend...
Rolling Eyes

It was another one of those weird responses by a Narcissist..

Cece... I feel for what you endured with your father.. I can't imagine how uncomfortable his behavior must have been for you in the house...and how it must have felt not having your mom there to stand up for you and protect you from his unwanted behavior...I'm sure your moms behavior made it worse when she competed with you for your dads attention...
Hopefully you still don't carry any of the guilt or shame that you mentioned... cause you didn't do anything to deserve this type of treatment by either of them!

lynn1234 · Joined: 14 Aug 2007 Posts: 713

RedemedRecovery...
I just read your story and wanted to mention that my Grandfather is a Narcissist..( my N mothers father) My uncle has told me how my GF beat him and he hinted at molestation...
Anyway... while my NGF was beating his kids and most likely sexually molesting atleast his son..(maybe daughters too) my GM was busy in the kitchen bakeing or looking the other way....
I'ts screwed up when I think of my GM just going into Denial or Accepting it or whatever she did...She was young.. maybe she was scared to leave my GF and felt she had no where to go... so she let her husband abuse her kids regularily... I blame my GF for the way my NM turned out and lately I have had a hard time not blameing my GM for her part in letting the abuse occur over and over and not doing anything to stop it!!! I just learned of these family dynamics last year... I thught I had a decent relationship with my GM but now I am realizing her part in the N family dynamics...
To answer your question.. I have been mostly NC for about 8 months now. I had limited contact for awhile thinking that would work but it totally backfired.!!!.. Now I am NC and it's out of necessity to protect myself emotionally from my NM's never ending cycle of abuse.. So, no... I don't regret not being abused any more.. I can't have a relationship with my NM.. She is poisonous even in small doses... I am letting go.. It has taken almost a year to get to this point but I am finally accepting it and accepting that there is nothing to go back to except hurt.. and I am tired of the hurt she causes. So, why go back??? that is how I feel...

FairCompany · Joined: 28 Mar 2008 Posts: 7

Yeah, my Dad was fixated on sex.

He and my mom divorced when I was young, my mom left and moved away, and we visited her regularly, but she never sought custody. My Dad was a teacher, who started out in colleges, and kept getting demoted until I believe he finally ended up teaching junior high until he retired (or was asked to. I wouldn't know for sure.)

I'm not so sure he liked young girls as much as they were the only ones he could get not to see through his bullshit. I guess they all thought he was so smart, so talented. When my Dad was a high school teacher, there were rumors he was involved with one of his students - actually, not rumors, supposedly someone walked in on them at school. Both my Dad and this student (age 16) had unusual names. One day when I was about 10, my Dad took me to work, and "X+Y" was spraypainted on the overpass walk next to the high school, in letters 3 feet high.

Nice.

We had pornography in the house. He didn't hide it. He kept a stack of magazines next to the bed, with a towel nearby. My friends who slept over would see it (my Dad always let me have my friends sleep over). I remember one of my friends when I was about 13 years old telling some of my other friends, "and the towel is all STIFF" ... god, bad memories.

He liked being nude, and walked around the house completely naked most of the time when he was home (though not in front of my friends). He didn't close the bathroom doors no matter what kind of function he was having. If he passed gas in the car on a cold day, he didn't let us open the windows.

I was not molested to my memory, though he was very touchy feely with me. Would sit on the side of my bed for "tuck in time", etc. and be very interested in if my friends were having sex yet, who they were, etc. Called me a "whore" at 12 years old when a boy in my class who was my science partner drove his bike over and we went into my room to talk (no other place in the house to talk). I had a sleepover at my house for my 11th birthday and could not get him to LEAVE the living room. It was like he wanted to be one of the girls.

He hit on my bridesmaids at my wedding. According to my male siblings, is one of the best customers at the local porn shop where he lives, and has asked where the porn stores are in their areas when he visits them.

He's been "engaged" about 8 times since my mother left him, never remarried. I don't think he's much of a player past a certain point. To hear my mother say it, he was actually sexually stunted, stuck in the 14-year-old-boy phase.

Haven't talked to my Dad or seen him in 15 years.