Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

mthankful · Joined: 01 Apr 2007 Posts: 84

I have not provided the ex with an address for my residence. My lawyer was instructed not to give this information out. I remove the address from all tax documents, etc....
I happened to not be at work yesterday morning looking out my window and I saw him drive by and turn around at the corner and drive by again slowly.
He lives in a different town, so he has come a long way to drive by when he thinks I am not around.
I dont know what to do. I dont know what his intentions are. We have been separated for nearly three years now.
I asked myself if I felt he would try to harm me and I have to say that I know he wouldnt get his own hands dirty but has money and possibly contacts that might take care of things for him. He has many years ahead of him to pay child support.
I am really uncomfortable not only for my own safey but I feel his intentions could be to create other problems also. i.e. to dig into my personal life.
Does anyone have any advice on precautions I should take or things I should be watching out for? The only advantage I have is I know that he knows. Should I confront him? I have already made very clear that if I feel in any way threatened by him I would go to the police. Of course he would deny he was near my home and I didnt have a camera handy and now next time who will he have checking things out for him. (before I moved to this home he would have his father and mother tail me and I do know that he also tried to engage others) And yes I sound paranoid but my dealing with this person tells me that whatever reason he has tracked me down is not of good intentions.
m

Cookie2 · Joined: 28 Feb 2007 Posts: 1397

My daughter(his daughter too) spotted my x watching my place one day as she left...she followed him and chased him and he lost her...he was NOT in his own car...rather a car we did not know.......So we know he knew he was spotted....I called the cops...in this area they told me they needed 3 sightings b4 they could do anything.......I was shocked......most people dont even see it once.........I would show his picture around to your neighbors.....tell them what car he drives......ask them to call the police if they see him around your place.......you can have a signal to your neighbors for if he breaks in such as turning on your porch light...or using the panic button on your car keys......keep a cell phone in case ph lines would get cut........I'll try to add more later.......
_________________
I have a photographic memory....I just don't have same day service.....................Cookie

mthankful · Joined: 01 Apr 2007 Posts: 84

Thanks Cookie. I have thought about going to the police but I am sure that if they do anything at all - it would be again to talk to him for which it would tip him off and then of course his vehicle wont be seen in the neighborhood although he will be about again for that I am sure. Circulating his picture throughout the neighborhood is a good idea. Its those others he may have snooping around that will be hard to detect.
When I go to get S, his father/mother/their neighbors stalks me, driving around and around the block of my friends if I happen to stick around that town and visit. For what purpose, I do not know, other than harrassing.
He fancies himself a "biker" and of course there are trips and rallies that he attends so who knows who he knows and what he is up to. I think its about spying for now, to see if there is anything to find out, manipulate and ulimately use against me. The child support payments are one thing but there is about one year left until S will be going to school and at that time the courts are going to have to do something about this rediculous 50-50 visitation schedule. I believe he thought he wouldnt have to pay child support at all with this type of visitation and it has been a very sore spot with him. Me out of the way would make things a whole lot easier for him, at least financially. If he doesnt get physically rid of me there is the matter of digging up stuff to try and discredit me for full custody and then of course no child support payments. And if he cant find anything to discredit it will be the pleasure of upsetting me as he knows the proxy harrassment will. It makes me sick and since our court battles, I see nothing that is beyond him.
I dread going to speak to my neighbors, I am so sick of telling my story. After a while, I look like the paranoid nutcase - but I know I am justified. I am going to ask the police if I felt in danger if I would be in any legal problem to have a poster picture with my telephone information on it on my garage - stating merely that if this person/vehicle is seen in the area to contact me. It may make him or his associates think twice about whatever it is he is up to. I just dunno.
m

thegabrielle77 · Site Admin Joined: 19 Oct 2007 Posts: 443

mthankful

Hey sweetie,

(((((((((((hugs))))))))))) to you. sorry that the XP is stalking you. Cookie is right please do notify the cops, know it is a frustrating thing but you have to look out for you and childs safety.

and think that is great idea about circulating your XP's picture through the neighborhood. Don't be embarrassed, that is your XP's embarrassment...don't take it...put it back on him...again you have to think about you and you child.

Keep mthankful and her child safe. Please post to let us know you are ok.

Hugs
Gabrielle

mikey#1 · Posted: Fri Mar 21, 2008 1:14 pm Post subject:

mthankful,

My P has always known where I live. When I went through a panic time I was given some great advice from the people on this board. I don't know if this is what you are looking for but here are a few that I remember.

1. If you can afford it get some home security installed. A lot of them have have panic buttons that can be pushed from certain locations in your house. Again, if you can afford it have outside security cameras installed, the kind that are motion sensitive. Some probably have the ability to tape which could provide you with proof he or someone else is around. You could even set it up to tape the road and see who is driving by.

2. Get some kind of dog. If you can't maybe get a tape of a dog barking so that you can play if you get scared and make someone think you have a watch dog in the house. I am not allowed to have a dog where I live. I do have 2 cats who do get up and look out the windows whenever they hear or see anything outside. I know strange but true. I feel like they are my watch cats.

3. Always, always check and double check that your doors and windows are locked. I still do this every night or when I go out. I never, even in nice weather, sleep with the windows open at night. In the summer or any time it is too warm I run the air conditioner.

4. Carry your cell phone with you everywhere. When I was going through a scary time I even slept with it. Most cell phones now are installed with GPS available. I know mine has it. I have both the GPS turned on for ER services to track me as well as the cell phone company. If you can't afford to get into a long term contract there are companies that do have cheap plans. Virgin Mobile has cheap phones and pretty in expense plans. That is who I use. Also in some areas DV shelters will give or offer cell phones so you have the ability to call 911 any time. It is just for that. I know a place here where I lived offered me one but at the time I was not living alone (my son was here) and I never went out by myself. Maybe get one that has a camera which would give you the ability to take a picture, again for proof, that someone is coming or driving by too often.

5. Let someone know where you are going. For a while after my P left I always told my children if I was going anywhere and that I would be home by a certain time and that I would call when I got home. I still let them know if I am going anywhere unusual. They still call and check on me daily.

6. When you go out always try to be aware of your surroundings, of the people around, walking up or behind you and the people in the cars around you. I know this sounds extreme but safety is the first priory. I walk or take the bus everywhere I go. I am still very aware of what is going on around me. I know I am aware if I see the same car drive by me too often. I have had this happen in the past. I try to mentally be aware of types of cars, colors and stuff like that. Of course I live in a big city so some of this may just be from living in that type of environment.

As for worrying about sounding like a paranoid nut... I don't care what other people think. No one understands what we have been through. They can not unless they have walked in our shoes. I would rather be considered a nut and be safe then normal and sorry.

Also please do contact the police. Mine was escorted away from my place and a restraining order was granted (it has since expired). Even if they can't do something legally you can make them aware that this person has been seen in the area. They might be willing to swing by your place while on patrol a few more times then they normally do. Making them aware might make them respond a little bit quicker if you do have to call them about this problem. I know it just depends on where you live, the size of the force and if they really in truly give a damn. I know that while I was living in the city of LA it could take them an hour or more to respond. I was living in a little suburb right next to LA when my ex P was finally arrested. They responded very quickly when the neighbors phoned. I think it took them less then 5 minutes to get to my house.

I don't know if this is what you are looking for. I know that after mine was arrested he told people that I was the one drunk, violent and that he was only defending himself. Luckily, he has had an encounter with the police just prior (he was arrested) and more than a few after so there is proof that he was the drinker and aggressive one. We were not married and there were no children involved so I am sort of clueless on that one. While the case is pending (yes, still from 2006) I have tried to live a straight and narrow life, not that I am a wild one anyway. I think slander and trying to destroy our character is a tool that a lot of them try and use. My only suggestion (and I am not very knowledgeable with the court system) is just live life the right way. Try not to do anything that would look questionable in the courts. I know that sucks and makes you second guess everything you do. Again, there was no child involved with my P and I so this is an area I am completely unfamiliar with. If you could prove that anyone is driving by your house too often and should not be there (as live in the area) that would be proof that they are up to no good. Here in LA county I have known people to get stop by the police because they were driving around in an area and someone reported a suspicious vehicle. Supposedly anytime they stop someone they log it in and video tape the stop. Once again proof that these people are in your area. This probably sounds extreme but even if it is not your ex or not a friend/family member it could be someone who is really up to no good (looking to break in, searching for a child alone or to hurt an innocent victim). Now, I probably sound paranoid. Unfortunately, living in this day and age (and for me a big city) you just have to be aware of what is going on around us.

I hope some of the advice that was given me about personal safety helps you. I still carry my cell phone with me everywhere I go. I have a pre-paid service and even when I have no minutes left on the plan I take it will me because it will still let me call 911 if I have to. Please stay safe.

mikey#1

wendy d · Joined: 03 Jan 2008 Posts: 148

Oh this so so terrible for you. Once again someone desccribes my past history and bang I am back to flashbacks of these times. The nightmare life, the twilight zone effect of living this way, being unable to get people to see and understand the whole twisied insanity of it all.

Fear, fear, fear and constant vigilancy of my every movement in town, where, who, what, and when were my guarded thoughts. Always on alert, scanning parking lots for his car before stopping. Searching for him in busy places looking around at all times, never relaxing, always on high alert.

Giving up so much of my life. Living confined to my home. I had been to the police may times but it was useless for the same reasons as for others here. When I applied for a restraining order for 10 block radius he heard about this and moved 2 blocks from my home before I did it.! The police said they could not force him to move and gave me an order for a one block area.

Now I was a prisoner in my home. He said if he saw me on the street the anger would overwhelm him and he would not be able to control himself and he would attack me. We used the same nieghbourhood shopping area and the park was 1 block away!

I did start shopping elsewhere. To show me he had control, one night when coming from a friends to my car, he stepped quietly out of the bushes and nonchalantly walked past me without a word. I almost fainted. There were no witnesses and I could not prove this.

He told me his biker friends also hated me and that I was nothing to them and for $50.00 would "take care of me".

When in a safe house with my children where no one knew where we were one morning I got up to look out the window and his van was parked across the street! Another heart falling moment. He found me again and was showing me that by parking his van there. Within minutes we were whisked away out the back door to a new location.

I wore disguises and drove unknown cars to attend appointments. I was going through back surgery and recovery at this time and was commited to my area and helpless. We used false addresses and lived a life no one could believe. I went into my 2nd surgery under a false name so he could not find out where I was or how helpless I was. Most of his threats and violent actions went unwitnessed so it was difficult to gain any real support. Any one who did try to help was approached privately and threatened themselves. This further isolated me as soon everyone was afraid to even associate with me. I was very much alone with my children in a volitile and extremely dangerous situation.

No one would listen, no one would help. People accused me of dramatizing and trying to make him look bad due to custody issues. One person that stayed by my side through it all was threatened all the time with serious bodily harm, attacked twice, and hospitalized once. Yet this person was never scared away. I have a letter from his parents begging him to dump me to save his own life. His friends told him I was not worth a maniac's obsession and to drop me.

There are numorous police statements we submitted but not one other person would back us up.

Finally out of desparation I went to the newspapers and they did a front page story on my situation. I thought exposure publicly was the only protection I had left. Nothing was going to save my life anyway. The police said until there is actually physical bodily harm their hands are tied.
Of course by then I am dead.

Although they used my real name his was disguised. Apparently this angered him even more but he did back off for awhile.

I was told by some that I was not doing enough to stop things. When I did the article some said it would be my own fault if he got angry and worse towards me. They said I was poking the bear when to me I was just protecting my life and my children.

I was actually told to ignore him and he would leave me alone. I tried this and it only made things worse as there were no obstacles in his way.

There is so much to this story but to tell the main gist is that it was a terrible time that made no sense and the way the my world acted while these atrocious events were occuring was devestating.

My case was used as an example with the local government to help change laws and better protect women who are dealing with custody issues with an abusive ex partner.

During this time it was like open season on women who pissed men off and they were being taken out like it was a sport. A lot of deaths and cripplings went on.

I went public and very vocal which brought my danger levels up. As I saw it my chances of survival were so slim and I was not going quietly.

I do understand the emotions you are experiencing. Things seem not quite real and nothing really makes sense. It is like two worlds. The one you live in alone with this person, his actions and the results and the one the world sees.

I was told by the police that he was not considered a big enough problem because he was not a threat to society or an innocent stranger. Unless he was threatening the general public he was safe from the police. Then of course he has to actually hurt me before they would do anything.. Those he did threaten were to fearful to admit it and everyone was in denial but me. I stood alone and refused to back down or quietly go away to die and be just anothe statistic.

I became more publicly vocal in a desparate attrempt to stop him. Eventually my only recourse was to leave everything behind and disappear with my children. The police were cooperative in this. They were happy to see me go!

It was not easy as I was in a wheelchair and both my wrists were bound with bandages from injuries. We left early one morning and no one knew we were going. It was the only way to ensure he did not find out. I left most of my possessions behind but we did bring our 4 cats and 2 guinuea pigs! I could not take these from my children with all the other losses in there lives at this time.

You are not alone
Wendy d

Cookie2 · Joined: 28 Feb 2007 Posts: 1397

((((Oh Wendy))))) I dont know what to say....I read this whole story and am soooo very sorry you went thru this.....I've not seen the police nor the mental health professionals be of any help other than to help the abuser......I really do believe we have to take care of ourselves......I'll pray for your safety hon.....
_________________
I have a photographic memory....I just don't have same day service.....................Cookie

jiggy7928 · Joined: 24 Mar 2008 Posts: 9

Mthankful,

I really feel and understand what you're going through. My mother went through hell with my dad. My dad was doing the samething but worse. Do whatever you can for your safety. People like your ex and my dad are in insanity mode, they'll do anything to get their way.