Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

violet · Joined: 27 Feb 2008 Posts: 12

I have an earlier post, "Please help, I need support".

I have a history of depression. It appears to have been exacerbated by this break-up. I could not stop crying for days, could not take care of my daughter and finally voluntarily admitted myself to the psych ward yesterday. I felt I couldn't cope, although I'm not overtly suicidal, but everything had become too much work. I was paralyzed and distraught.

The hospital wasn't the place for me although I'm glad I went just to be able to realize that wasn't where I belonged. I also realize the Dr. in charge of my medication for depression is lousy in a crisis and I'm making appointments with new ones so I can find somebody better.

The thing I'm having the most trouble with is the overwhelming feeling that I MUST speak to him or see him. When that happens I'm like an addict that needs a straightjacket. I'm in a terrible place - I'm afraid of picking up the drug, but the cravings are excruciating. I think of having my friends call him, to beg him to see me or be nice to me. Of course I feel horribly ashamed of this.

I literally CANNOT believe that who I invested my trust and hope in for two years has discarded me like old garbage. Sometimes I think I get it, and then the natural desire and habit of wanting to see him or speak to him kicks in and........ I have been completely killed off. We had a happy Christmas and January 4th he was done. Over. And I am dumbstruck, gutted, disbelieving. It goes against everything that makes sense, even in heartbreak. This is not normal heartbreak. This is annihilation, destruction. It feels criminal, as if there should be recourse, but there isn't.

This feels as if it's destroying me and I don't know what will make it stop, I have no frame of reference. I can't even climb out of it for the sake of my child. I do not understand how this will ever get better - I know I must give up on him. I haven't gotten there yet. I can't believe this is what this person turned out to be.

Violet

nolongertrusting · Joined: 25 Feb 2007 Posts: 266

Violet, I have a history of depression as well. Yes, it doesn't take much to get it going. A very very good friend of mine recently told me to get on some anti-depressants and fast. I Truly understand where your at.
I know that feeling you just gotta talk to him or see him. I KNOW THAT FEELING. I couldn't afford a to get help. So, I've had to rough it.
You will find some very inspiring people on this board.

It takes time. I know just where you're at. WTF?? Keep going Violet.

Violet, how old is your child? You're child needs you. I have a son too. He doesn't need me like he used. But he still needs me from time to time.

Nolongertrusting.

I have a history of depression. It appears to have been exacerbated by this break-up. I could not stop crying for days, could not take care of my daughter and finally voluntarily admitted myself to the psych ward yesterday. I felt I couldn't cope, although I'm not overtly suicidal, but everything had become too much work. I was paralyzed and distraught.

The hospital wasn't the place for me although I'm glad I went just to be able to realize that wasn't where I belonged. I also realize the Dr. in charge of my medication for depression is lousy in a crisis and I'm making appointments with new ones so I can find somebody better.

The thing I'm having the most trouble with is the overwhelming feeling that I MUST speak to him or see him. When that happens I'm like an addict that needs a straightjacket. I'm in a terrible place - I'm afraid of picking up the drug, but the cravings are excruciating. I think of having my friends call him, to beg him to see me or be nice to me. Of course I feel horribly ashamed of this.

I literally CANNOT believe that who I invested my trust and hope in for two years has discarded me like old garbage. Sometimes I think I get it, and then the natural desire and habit of wanting to see him or speak to him kicks in and........ I have been completely killed off. We had a happy Christmas and January 4th he was done. Over. And I am dumbstruck, gutted, disbelieving. It goes against everything that makes sense, even in heartbreak. This is not normal heartbreak. This is annihilation, destruction. It feels criminal, as if there should be recourse, but there isn't.

This feels as if it's destroying me and I don't know what will make it stop, I have no frame of reference. I can't even climb out of it for the sake of my child. I do not understand how this will ever get better - I know I must give up on him. I haven't gotten there yet. I can't believe this is what this person turned out to be.

Violet[/quote]

Cookie2 · Joined: 28 Feb 2007 Posts: 1378

Hi Violet.....Ive been out for 6 yrs after a 30 yr marriage(and I use that term loosly) and YES it does get better.......talk about addictions...I quit smoking last Easter.....that wasnt easy either.....to this day I sometimes crave one...but then reality smacks me and I know their not good for my health and cost WAAAAAY too much....reality tells me I am better off without them....and as with the xp as well.......It does seem hard when your 1st into recovery..I remember it all too well. But it gets soooo much better......It will too...I can promise you....if you do no contact....concentrate on YOU for a change.....get your focus off of him......this all seems hard when its so fresh for you but work hard at it and you can do it....If I can anyone can.........hang in there!
_________________
I have a photographic memory....I just don't have same day service.....................Cookie

NancyCT · Joined: 28 Feb 2007 Posts: 1308 Location: Connecticut, USA

violet · Joined: 27 Feb 2008 Posts: 12

Again, thank you for your responses, it means a lot to me.

My daughter has been with her father since Monday, she spends about half her time with him anyway. I made up a story that I had something really contagious and had to not be around her for a few days. She's coming back tonight and I'm taking her to Florida for spring break. The other adult that's going is a friend of mine (bringing her daughters, too) and she reassured me yesterday that she's fine with whatever condition I'm in, that we'll get through it.

My current plan is this: I got out a calendar and marked the date of the last time we spoke. Then I counted 8 weeks from then. My commitment to myself is NC for that time. I learned this in AA - try doing something different. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. They suggest trying their program for 90 days - if you don't like it after then go ahead and resume drinking. So I'm giving myself time to try something different in a time period I can manage. I'm trusting it will help move me forward.

Violet

wendy d · Joined: 03 Jan 2008 Posts: 187

Hello Violet

I was a naive 14 year old when I met my 26 year old husband to be. We were married 17 years. He had me so brainwashed, isolated and convinced that he was end all and be all that I believed him when he blamed me for everything. I also believed my life had no meaning without him in it and that I could not cope or survive on my own. This kept me hooked like a drug to him and kept me a prisoner of a hell I did not realize I was in until I got away. He had me convinced I was not "all there" and if I went into the world and exposed my thoughts and beliefs I would be taken away and locked up as crazy. I beleived him, I was just a child.

The guilt and stress of this nightmare marriage drove me to a breakdown and his warnings came true. I did end up on the psych ward.

Guess what?, after a few days of talk therapy I was told by the psychiatrist that my thinking patterns were normal but my husband was a sociopath. He told me I was lucky to have escaped his clutches.

Something clicked over in my brain and years of brainwashing flushed away like a balloon popping in my mind. Poof all the past self persecuting and self blame was gone. I was free! I was not crazy!

Now came years of therapy to erase years of false thinking, build self esteem and become socialized. I had been severely isolated and was very awkward in social and public situations. Hang in there. It might take a major event to make the break but please do not waste any more of your precious moments on this earth on garbage that will only continue to rot no matter what you do.

It is like an addiction and fight it as much as you can. He has nothing to offer you. He steals from your soul and makes you think you are missing something that only he can fullfill when it was always yours to begin with.

It would be as if I stole your lawn mower and then magically showed up with one for you to borrow when you most desparately need one. It is your very own stolen lawnmower but in your thankfulness at my kindness and understanding you fail to recognise this and give it back each time you are done with it. Now you come to depend on me to appear with this lawn mower and fill this need losing sight of the fact that you can replace this lawn mower with another of your own and take back control of your feelings and fullfill your needs without this false friendship.

After all if you can create one lawnmower for him to steal you have the power to replace it with another on your own. This "lawnmower" is a part of your character and personality he has smothered. It is still there. You do not need him. You are chasing an illussion carefully crafted to suit exactly what you need to see and believe. Stay strong, he is not worthy of wasting anymore of your life on.

I hope I am not offending you or coming on to strong. I truly care that all people have joyful lives.

Wendy d

violet · Joined: 27 Feb 2008 Posts: 12

Thanks, Wendy, no you didn't come on too strong. The lawnmower analogy is great, I really like it.

I didn't mean to suggest that I plan on making contact with him after 8 weeks. It's just that my "cravings" can be so strong and sometimes I am "this close" to picking up the phone, sending an email, etc. I cannot see clearly at these times, I'm consumed. So I'm borrowing an AA trick - a set goal to try a different way of life - and being pretty sure that by the end of 8 weeks I'll be in a better, stronger place and will want to continue not being in touch. It's the best thing I can think of to "break the cycle". Forever is too long right now.

Violey[/b]

wendy d · Joined: 03 Jan 2008 Posts: 187

Good Luck and stay strong. The urges can be powerful and all consuming as you say. We can overcome!

Wendy Dalton