Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

danalee_kss · Joined: 16 Feb 2008 Posts: 17

Hello,

I would first like to say how grateful I am in finding this place; it has been a very empowering experience to finally understand the reality I am living right now. I realized about a month ago that my husband most likely is a malignant narcissist and am in the process of moving out of our home. We have been married just about two years. From what I can understand from my vantage point he has suffered from this disorder since about the age of six when he hanged himself in a closet in elementary school. He is very glib and detached from this experience. His mother probably carries the same diagnosis from what I can tell. I think his false self was born around that time; he is now 46 and this is his first marriage. Most of his rage is expressed passive-aggressively and it has been a progression of symptoms with intervals of about 3 months in between explosive tantrums. He managed very well to hide his thinking and rage within the first year. What happened was I set a limit before the last episode (which included the silent treatment, critical, hateful comments and threats to divorce) and he is now faced with me calling him on his threat and agreeing to separate. I do not think he was totally ready for this, rather, he was at his limit and couldn't contain the rage. It has been helpful for me to read about narcissistic injury in this forum, as I didn't realize how frustrating and excruciating it is for him to have his obesessive rituals (activities of daily living) impeded upon by myself and my two children from a former marriage. This has been the source of frustration for him as things are not put back in their proper place which he has decided is intolerable 'indolence'. Now for my question, and I thank you for your patience: I am a mental health nurse and a very close friend of mine is a psychiatrist. She has recommended a very good therapist that works with NPD. She did say, however, that to be accepted by this therapist he would need to come to terms with his diagnosis. He is reading a book regarding childhood trauma and if I validate him enough, he will openly talk with me about his illness. However, he is not aware that he is narcissistic in nature, even though a prior girlfriend had told him she was suspicious - he has predictably thrown that concept in the trash. I was able to speak with him about the incident regarding the hanging, and how he may have developed some protective mechanisms that are still at play even now. He seemed receptive to this but as I said, only after many validations and patience with his maladaptive defenses.

So is it reasonable to try and explain to him what I think may be going on? I am thinking about doing this after I move out. And one more question, if you will, his narcissistic defenses have been in full flare since I have secured another place to live. Do you think he may become more unstable as the date to my leaving approaches? I have always been an ample source of supply for him - but my new tact is emotionless, assertive yet not overbearing or threatening....and he seems to be stable at the present. It helps if I validate how happy he will be when he doesn't have to live with such dysfunctional, inadequate people. He especially calms down after validations such as this. Since I am a mental health professional (and equally mortified I didn't see this coming) I think I can continue to give him some supply, but I worry he will see this impending loss and become erratic. This may be a moot question. I am interested in your thoughts as you seem to be the best source of information on this disorder as I have researched to date. My many thanks for even listening.

-Dana

samvaknin · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 2230

Only a qualified mental health diagnostician can determine whether someone suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and this, following lengthy tests and personal interviews. Click on these links to learn more:

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/1.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/npdglance.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/faq82.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/faqpd.html

These may be of help - click on the links:

http://samvak.tripod.com/faq7to9.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/journal86.html

Pathological narcissism is a reaction to prolonged abuse and trauma in early childhood or early adolescence. The source of the abuse or trauma is immaterial - the perpetrators could be parents, teachers, other adults, or peers. Pampering, smothering, spoiling, and "engulfing" the child are also forms of abuse - see these:

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/narcissismglance.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/journal42.html

http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php/type/doc/id/419

Projection and Projective Identification - Abuser in Denial

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/5002

Approach-Avoidance Repetition Complex and Fear of Intimacy

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/5000

The Narcissist or Psychopath Hates your Independence and Personal Autonomy

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/4959

Violent, Vindictive, Sadistic, and Psychopathic Narcissists

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/4938

Take care.

Sam