Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

safeinmyheart · Joined: 09 Oct 2007 Posts: 10 Location: California

I think the stress relievers really come in two types...There are general stress relievers...doing something that takes your mind away from what is troubling you. Exercise of any type...I like hiking, running, anything outdoors feels good. Being under God's big big sky makes me and problems seem smaller. Weight lifting makes me feel empowered. Upbeat music, especially if I can sing along to it, for me country and old motown. Painting and drawing get me into the right side of my brain...and that totally takes me away from stress. My job, believe it or not...It requires enough focus that I can't think about work and my troubles at the same time. But these things are temporary. They only work while we are doing them.

The second sort of stress reliever is the kind that deals with the mind and emotions...Actual recovery as opposed to temporary relief. I think we need to recondition the way we look at the N and what he does in order to deal with these stresses. I keep in mind all the things I have learned, that I have been told and I have come to believe:

1) This is happening to me because I chose to become involved with this person. I wasn't wise enough to know better when I fell in love with him. I ignored the red flags. I have learned I am a master at rationalization. (And I thought I was just really optimistic) That much is my fault. His behavior is not my fault.

2) The only thing I can do to prevent being a victim of the N is to distance myself. I can't change him or help him. He is a narcissist at the core of his being. He doesn't think he needs help. Fixing him or teaching him a lesson...These are not my responsibilty. God will judge him in the end.

3) Do not join the dance. By this I mean, do not rise to the bait. The N thrives on conflict/power. He can't fight for your power if you refuse to engage. Rise above it.

4) I am worthy of the best this life has to offer. The N is not included in this picture.

5) Appreciate the good things you got out of the relationship (your kids, or whatever...), but know that a relationship with an N is all about him. It isn't and never was about you. Let the bad stuff go...Like dropping a paper airplane off a cliff. Let it go...The more you let go, the less you are defined by the dysfunctional relationship, and the more you become defined by the goodness in you.

5) It is a waste of time to try to understand. I am a rational person. The N is crazy. (by any rational person's definition.) Just because they look normal doesn't mean they are. You may never know what drove the N to leave you/beat you/fill in the blank. It doesn't matter why. He's nuts.

6) Other people (non-PTSD people) are not going to EVER understand. Other people may never see the N like you do. You have to have lived through the hell to know how bad it is. It is a waste of your energy to try to convince others if they don't want to be convinced.

7) You are not a car, where someone can come along, kick the tires, and say...not good enough for me. You are a person who deserves to be loved for who you are. My psychiatrist said this to me when I was going through a severe depression, and it really stuck with me.

Cool

The N is not capable of better behavior. IMPORTANT. He doesn't choose to behave badly. This is how he has learned to deal with the world. It is all he is capable of.

9) It is okay to ask for help. You don't have to deal with everything alone. Find a way to make it work for you. I had a court-appointed Special Master to co-parent with my ex-N. Go to a therapist. Join a support group. Have a special ring tone for your phone so that you don't have to talk to him. Fashion a life for yourself that is all about good stuff.

10) My psychiatrist once said to me, "When he does something bad, it is God's way of reminding you of how lucky you are that you are no longer with him." I told this to myself innumerable times.

11) What is the worst that can happen? That fight-or-flight response kicks in for me without provocation. (I have even been hospitalized for a panic attack.) If I can logically think through a situation, I realize that the worst that can happen is nearly as bad as whatever my unconscious has dreamed up. I found over time that I was actually afraid of being afraid.

I realize looking back at this, that I sound sort of religious. I'm not really. But I do believe that God has a hand in our lives. When I thought it was more than I could handle, I always found a way...so I think God really doesn't give us more than we can handle. We are all tougher than we think. And I think that where I have ended up is because of where I was. That is... my present is a product of my past. So I accept my past (the good/bad marriage & really nasty divorce with the N) in order to appreciate my present (a great husband, fabulous kids.) I once said, " I never should have married him(my ex-N), and my step-daughter wisely said, "oh, no...you were supposed to marry him, and have your kids and get divorced and meet my dad and marry him." Out of the mouths of babes. Very Happy

xoxoxo[/i]

tiffany · Joined: 20 Nov 2007 Posts: 2

Thank you so much for your letter. I have printed it so that I can read it often. I have the "tapes" of everything he has ever told me running through my head. I feel so hollow, like he has sucked the life out of me and there is nothing left. I am so ashamed to look at myself in the mirror. And alone. So freaking alone. It's too much to bear. I have never hurt like this before and don't know what to do to make it better. Anyways, I just wanted to say thank you for your post. Hopefully it will help me heal. Tiff

peace2u · Joined: 18 Nov 2007 Posts: 5

peace2u · Joined: 18 Nov 2007 Posts: 5

psychochunder · Joined: 04 Jan 2008 Posts: 19

Healing takes time. And that time will be filled with replaying of the "tapes". I think this is inevitable and part and parcel of healing. Perhaps we need to play the tapes until they no longer affect us. That is how we gain power over them.

It is now 2 years since I left my business partner. And 1 year since I severed all contact with him and the business.

I am still battling depression, loss of self confidence, loss of passion and drive. Not only did he steal money from me, and caused me to pay more tax than I would have; the mental anguish is making it really hard for me to go out there and get work. So it is continuing to cost me in terms of lost income.

I still try and understand why he did it. I still try and think of ways to cure him etc. It is so hard to just accept he has a mental illness and I was damaged by something that I have no control over. I kept wondering how I could have been sucked into his lies, and how he could have done so much damage in so short a time.

Painting, music and other positive distractions have helped. Likewise also finding places like this so I can write about what i have been thru.

One of the major frustration/hurt at the moment is that people who have not experienced this simply do not understand. They get frustrated that I am still "playing the victim" and kept asking me to "get over it". All good intentions aside, these suggestions do not help.

N and P business partners cause just as much damage as in personal relationships. Many people still don't seem to get this. It is like when you are in business, you are not human and so not susceptible to hurt.

Startingover · Joined: 17 Feb 2008 Posts: 3

What you wrote rings so true. I need to learn to put it in action. This is my second divorce so I know somewhat what to expect (emotions wise) but it is till hard. And you are right, it was all about him and what he wanted. We were just there as props and a paycheck. So when I start thinking of what I thought were the good times, I wonder if they were ever real? Or if it was all a lie? That is also painful.

MomInPain · Joined: 25 Feb 2008 Posts: 20 Location: Maryland

safeinmyheart,

Well said!! Perfect! I too, will print this & read it often.

To everyone!! Even to those who are suffering and haven't found this group yet.
I just discovered this site & it has changed my life profoundly! I am fighting for my young child & have been hospitalized for a breakdown. It took a long time to find a good Psychiatrist who recognized the PTSD & hooked me up with an INCREDIBLE therapist but finding folks who KNOW & have been there is indescribable!

Sometimes it doesn't feel like it, but we have been strengthened by our experience. Broken & damaged, but strengthened! A broken piece of metal welded back together is stronger than the original metal. It will never again break at that weld (unless it is a bad weld:wink:). We are all here to make sure that it is a perfect weld!

MomInPain