Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

turtlemary · Joined: 22 Jan 2008 Posts: 4

:(

My only child my daughter is now going on 17 this year. Her father and I have been divorced since she was 7 years old. SHe is my one and only the joy or was the joy of my life. My fiance and built a house for the 3 of us that would be in walking distance from school, library and church everything was to be beautiful and happy.
Little did i know that my daughter has been lying about how i treat her for many years Neighbors would act funny and I had no idea why, until later when i found out they thougt i beat her on a regular basis.
THings got harder when we all started to live together. SHe ran away at 14 years old after a normal morning and ended up at some HOTEL and said she walked there. SHe ran away again the next month after which i was so afraid i kissed her butt and she continued to lie about me to others.
She pretended to be a cutter, pretended to be depressed and continued to make up stories even when the truth was easier just for fun.
This went on for a while my being afraid for her welfare, etc. One day about 2 years ago she left for school and never returned to our home. She had the guidance counselor call DYFS because she claimed i pushed her down the stairs and gave her a black eye. DYFS found the accusations to be untrue as she was not hurt /she ran away because I called her on an ART grade. How could the child i raised and loved try to destroy me over a failing art grade? She had her father pick her up because she pretended to be too afraid to come home. She skipped off to school every day and I told her father he could keep her. She was angry as that i think was not her plan. I am so much happier without her in my home. We were visiting regularly until the last couple of weeks where she now claims I am accusing her of things and she is uncomfortable to see me. This time i will not bend or break, until she stops lying she is a danger to me.

How does everyone here live with this I am often full of sorrow?[/quote]

want_to_learn · Joined: 20 Feb 2007 Posts: 33 Location: Scotland, UK

Hi. You are damned if you do and damned if you don't..no matter what steps you take here, you are wrong. We can't win with them.

My daughter is now 21 and undiagnosed. She was a reasonably good kid til she hit 14/puberty then we started to get a couple of minor complaints about her from school.and everyone bent over backwards to help her..........the more we tried to help, the more she leaned on everybody. she went from As to unclassified in her grades and we couldn't understand what was going wrong.

She first left home aged 16.went to visit a friend and didnt come back.we didn't see her again for 4 months. At first I was terrified for her.....then relieved she had gone. I was adamant that if she could treat us like this then she shouldn't be allowed back.I knew she would eventually want to come back.

She did contact us.and I backed down.she has 3 sisters and her father aswell as extended family who were also worried about her.I so wish now that I had stood my ground and not let her back......even though it would have been hard, it would have saved all of us here so much heartache and grief.

My daughter is undiagnosed..I would only now be curious to know what her actual diagnosis is.wouldn't really be interested in finding out cos I am NC with her and thats the way its going to stay.

At first, friends and relatives etc backed me to the hilt.this kid is rotten to the core etc....thats was 3 years ago.....they changed their tune now and even my own parents( who don't wish any contact at all with this kid..) say that she will grow out of it.cos thats the way these things work.

It would be lovely to think my daughter will grow out of it.....but for me she has gone too far and even if she was born again as mother theresa.....I am not interested.

It takes time to move on, Its been 18months since she went for the last and final time....and nothing will make me allow her back into my life.

I got up this morning to a beautiful if cold day....and I got up to a house without chaos and drama....my purse is left exactly where I left it and is untouched....a pair of earrings also where I took them out and left them......and my heart doesn't skip a beat when I realise that I didn't put these things away before I went to bed last night.

You need to read and learn as much as you can and protect yourself........and if at all possible, try and get a diagnosis for your daughter..

turtlemary · Joined: 22 Jan 2008 Posts: 4

Your story has helped me more than i can say. Just today i have found out from the ex that my daughter has been lying about me for years that I have been beating her, never happened and he is so enjoying this that he pretends that it is tru. Mad

want_to_learn · Joined: 20 Feb 2007 Posts: 33 Location: Scotland, UK

Hi..the lies are so hard to deal with.especially when we have given our kids the best upbringing we could have done.and they repay us with lies.

My daughter stood up in court.after she had accused me of kidnapping her(???) and said she had problems cos I beat her to within an inch of her life on an almost daily basis. My reply to this was..ring her school up.lets see who is lying. I think part of me died that day.and if I hadn't heard it with my own ears, I would never have believed she said it.but she did.

Nobody believed I had ever abused my daughter.not to my face anyway....but people who you think will be supportive often turn out to be the opposite. I think finding this site and other women who had walked in my shoes was my salvation.

I am 18months NC.......I found its the only way. Can't say I am happy about the situation.its like living a nightmare without a good ending.........and I wonder how my daughter is going to end up...but, she is on her own .

Felt terribly guilty for much of the time.how could I just walk away?.even went with her to the dcotors for treatment for depression...and all the while she was sticking the knife in.

turtlemary · Joined: 22 Jan 2008 Posts: 4

THANK YOU FOR YOUR REPLY, IT IS SIMILAR HERE SHE HAS BEEN CLAIMING THAT I BEAT HER SINCE SHE IS LITTLE, HAD NOT IDEA THAT IT WAS SO DEEP ROUTED AND HER FATHER WHO HAS MENTAL UNDIAGNOSED ILLNESS LIKES TO PRETEND IT IS TRUE TO GET BACK AT ME. SHE TOLD AUTHORITIES I BEAT HER. I THINK I AM LUCKY SHE IS LIVING WITH HER FATHER SO I DO NOT HAVE TO END UP IN JAIL FOR SOMETHING I DID NOT DO. THE PAIN IS DAILY AND THE SORROW SO DEEP, YET I KNOW IT IS SAFER FOR US TO STAY APART UNTIL OR UNLESS SHE STOPS LYING.

HAVE STARTED THE BOOK "THE SOCIOPATH NEXT DOOR" IT IS VERY HELPFUL ALSO.

Rolling Eyes

want_to_learn · Joined: 20 Feb 2007 Posts: 33 Location: Scotland, UK

Hi. You will survive this, you will get through it........you have to decide where you want to be and what you want out of life.

I can't believe this has happened to me and my family.its ripped apart.....but there is nothing I can do about it......she is what she is and a free spirit. What I can do is learn and read and protect myself. I have gone through the stages.anger, bitterness, resentment etc..and pity of course.and now I find myself moved on....and recovering.

I have decided I don't want any contact with my daughter.she is only a shell of a human being anyway.and anyone who can make up such terrible lies about her own mother is a lost cause anyway.

I don't wish my daughter any harm or ill will....I just want her to stay away from me.

From time to time, she has contacted me.I have never contacted her.and when she rings I have been surprised and kept the conversation very short and sweet.and then quickly found a way to get off the phone with an excuse that doesn't sound rude.......then I go and make a cup of tea and sit and think and wonder what went wrong.

have you heard of the serenity prayer?.....

Also, MSN have a group for parents etc....have you heard of it?....

I have been using the MSN group for almost 2 years now......it saved my sanity. Now my daughter is 21 I felt the need to move up a gear and go to the psychopaths site.......and if you are feeling confused, try reading the full blown psychopath stuff and look what is in the future.and its scary.
I wish you all the luck in the world.I hope you have a good support system......

SSMOA · Joined: 02 Apr 2008 Posts: 5

When you know no one in your situation it is so easy to blame yourself. My daughter told the police I abused and starved her to be able to go to a Valentine's Day Dance she was grounded from for bad grades. I have spent a year trying to figure out what I did wrong. But I now believe there is nothing I could have ever done, she has been lying and manipulating, blaming everyone else, nothing is her fault, rationalizing why she did something so destructive, etc. etc. ever since I can remember.

My daughter is only 15 now but I told her yesterday I was done. I told her when she is done with school (she goes to a boarding school -I have tried everything!) she has to go live with her grandparent's (who were conned years ago and think she is perfect and I am an abuser- I haven't talked to them in 1 1/2 years). I have tried to walk away before but have always caved to her begging for forgiveness. I had N/C for a week but felt obligated to take her and her friends out for her 15th birthday yesterday where she of course acted very upset at my lack of attention and affection for her. At the end of the night I told her never to call me or email me again. I am trying to find the strength to make it stick this time as the one previous week without contact was peaceful but full of sadness. I know I have done everything there is to do, therapy, medicine, talking, schools, books, interventions, you name it I've tried it. But still, I don't know how I am going to make an extended time period without talking to her, not because I want the chaos but because of guilt. I love her but the lies and manipulation and all the other behaviors and blame have pushed me to the edge of my physical and mental well being. Time is supposed to be your best friend but I am hour for hour right now.

SSMOA · Joined: 02 Apr 2008 Posts: 5

i made it almost 2 weeks with n/c with my 15 yr old daughter (she goes to a boarding school) then i saw the inappropriate pics of her, very inappropriate, on her facebook page and caved. i called her to tell her that it was unacceptable and she was going to have to leave school and go live with her grandparents now since she couldn't control herself! what i got back was a barrage of anger and hate and how "she is a good person" and "everyone hates me not her" and on and on. i need to give up custody and walk away but i am having so much trouble with this last step. my parents are extremely negative people too that have labeled me as the scape goat of the family (guess who taught my daughter to make me the scape goat!). this step is sooooo hard and i know it has to be done i just need to find the strength. she is not going to change and i need to face that. even her yelling at me on the phone was a manipulation to get something out of me. ughhh....when does the guilt, fear and anger subside!!!! this is hell.

DogLady · Joined: 11 Jun 2008 Posts: 13 Location: U.S.A.

Good old hind sight. My daughter's behavior started when she was 3. That was 20 years ago. We tried everything we could to 'fix' her. The more we tried the stronger she got. It was a living nightmare.

We ended up in court, I had to have a Protective Order placed against her. She did her usual lying to the judge. Fortunately he saw through it. She failed to realize that I had been recovering from her abuse and was ready for battle. She popped off that she didn't do anything and I couldn't prove it. That is when I pulled a cell phone out of my pocket that had a recording of her threatening me with time and date. BAM! She wasn't ready for that one.

The lies are very hurtful. In our case she focused them on her dad and then made me an accomplice to the 'horrible' things he did to her. Little idiot, her dad stood up for her when I wouldn't. He never did anything inappropriate to her. I'd stake my life on it.

You will survive it. It takes time and change on your part. Embrace the quiet moments and the peace you now have in your home. Someone mentioned the Serenity Prayer ... I think it should be a mandatory mantra for all who have survived living with psychotics and the like.

Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
_________________
"Build a bridge and get over it!"