Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

mollyneser · Joined: 05 Jan 2008 Posts: 11

Hi there,

Going through my own family, I noticed patterns, that seem to lock everyone in a loop of repeating past mistakes over and over.

Let's start way back; my great grand mother was a horrible woman by all acounts. She found this sweet little man, whom she bullied along with everyone else.

Her daugher, my grand mother was also known as a terrible person, though she got better with age. She had 4 children; 1 moved half way around the world, one moved the almost as far away, but later came back (my mother), 1 broke away from her completely and 1 tried to keep contact at a minimum.

My mother is a psychopath like her mother and grand mother most likely were.

Okay, this could all be genetics, I fingure. But my mother first married my dad, the son of a very controlling bi-polar woman. He chose never to stand up to my mother, but avoided her by sleeping and working.

After he died, my mother found a man who was most likely psychopathic himself. My mother didn't mind too much until he started hitting on other women in front her. She asked for him to leave (her house) and he did so 9 months later when she sold the house.

A couple of years ago I dated this guy who was clearly psychopathic. I didn't love him, and I didn't leave him, partly because I knew he'd be angry and partly because I didn't want to. (No, that doesn't make sense, I know)

But what is this history repeating itself? Why did my dad find another woman like his mom? Why did my mom find a man who was like her mother? And why did I stay with a guy who was just like my mom?

Any ideas? What has your experience taught you?

Mollyneser

fearsomest · Joined: 05 Feb 2008 Posts: 5

Hi Molly,

About 8 years ago, I read a great book which explained this horrible pattern. I had a similar pattern and I couldn't understand why I continually chose the wrong people to be in my life.

The book talks about interaction with others with the metaphor of dance steps. It goes like this.

As developing youngsters, we learn a particular set of dance steps which go well with the dance steps of those adults in our lives at the time. Let's say for example that the dance steps of an abusive relationship are the polka, and the dance steps of a happy relationship are the waltz. These two sets of dance steps are completely incompatible.

So a person who knows the polka doesn't tend to dance well with someone who knows the waltz. It's not comfortable, so we find ourselves drawn to someone who knows the other half of the polka steps. And the "other half" is always on the lookout for someone who also knows the polka. Even though the polka makes us miserable, we know our moves in this situation, so it's more comfortable.

Ultimately, what we have to do is unlearn the polka, and start over, learning the waltz. This takes a lot of time, effort, and commitment. And in general it needs the support of a professional. I started psychotherapy eight years ago and it has done me wonders. I still struggle with a lot things, but now I have a good circle of friends instead of people who constantly take from me, and I no longer attract people who dance the polka.

I hope this makes sense, and I hope it helps you understand yourself a little more. Just know that the choices you have made are due to a really crappy dance teacher, and not your fault. You did a good job following instruction as every dance student should. But now it's time to find a new instructor. Smile

Cookie2 · Joined: 28 Feb 2007 Posts: 1395

Fearsomost....What a great analogy.........Sooooo true........We are drawn to what we know....what we are comfortable with.....no matter how unpleasant it is........Alcoholics are often drawn to alcoholics........sometimes if one of our parents was an alcoholic we will be attracted to an alcoholic....often if there is dysfunction in our familys we will carry that same dysfunction into our new familys.......I've actually heard people from physically abusive familys say to me"It's normal' or "It happens in familys"....Well it DOESNT.........but it does in dysfunctional familys......happens so often that these poor people dont have the 1st clue what normal is.......they are 'comfortable with physical abuse........so they find someone who will accomodate......they just dont know that this is what they are seeking....Hope this helps....
_________________
I have a photographic memory....I just don't have same day service.....................Cookie

suckerforcharm · Joined: 30 Jan 2008 Posts: 33 Location: Hell's Half Acre.

Molly,

I find your story interesting. A few years ago I learned that many of us tend to marry one of our parents. That is, my personality is very similar to my fathers in that I quite outgoing and tend to say what's on my mind. My mother's personality was very timid and shy. I wound up marrying my mother, as my wife's personality is extremely similar to my mothers. I have made comparissons just about all the time with my own family and others and have found this to be surprizingly true.

So when the same personality types marry up, the same results in a relationship tend to do repeats as with previous generations.

I've also studied co-dependancy, where I recall reading about a study someone conducted where there was a room of about 100 people of which about 3 co-dependents were placed that did not know each other. Within just a few minutes all three codependents found each other and were conversing by themselves.

It's fascinating how we tend to seek out what we feel most comfortable with to keep ourselves in the same old ruts, generation after generation.

Just thought I'd offer my two cents.

Thanks,

sucker

NancyCT · Joined: 28 Feb 2007 Posts: 1233 Location: Connecticut, USA

Oooh, oooh, oooh, (raising hand), I know the answer to this one!

It is called the unfillable void. When we have a need that was left unfilled by one or both parents, or some other significant person in our childhood, we set a pattern into motion to recreate that relationship and fill that void. People spend their entire lives recreating unhealthy relationships to "fix" them this time, to find love from the unloving mother, acceptance from the disapproving father, etc. Of course, these recreations are only imitations of the original relationship, not the real thing, so the void will always remain unfilled. Thus, the "unfillable void".

This explains why we are drawn to what we know, even if we know it was unhealthy. We are naturally drawn to others when we subconsciously recongnize the patterns of our childhood, in that never-ending attempt to make our childhoods right. So the child of an abusive alcoholic will subconsciously fall in love with an abusive alcoholic mate, not because they are comfortable with the abuse, but because they deeply hope that this time the abuser will finally "do the right thing" and become the stable, supportive, and loving, just what they needed from that original abuser all along. Of course, it's always doomed to fail. The original relationship will always be what it was and can never be recreated or fixed. That's why this pattern is so often repeated again and again.

Hundreds of hours, thousands of dollars of therapy. Molly, I'm glad someone finally asked this question and I was able to give this answer.

louxloux · Joined: 20 Jul 2007 Posts: 1483

janilaine · Joined: 24 Feb 2008 Posts: 1

Hi,

New here, but sure found the right group, I think. If the relative is your only (adopted) child, whose arrival you sought for 16 years, the whammy is huge when he turns on you. All we did was heap opportunity on this highly gifted child, watch proudly while he began reading at 3, and slide all the way to the pits when he became drug-addicted at 13, faced numerous legal problems, and refused to take any responsibility for any actions. He lasted 1 month in 9th grade before I pulled him and sent him to his first rehab. His intelligence led him to make his own ether, try any kind of drug any time, and end up in pediatric ICU's many times. He also was burning himself and was nearly suicidal. I committed him twice, though that didn't even slow him down.

By the time he was 15, I couldn't take it any more. He had moved on to repeatedly stealing the family car, despite my (vain) attempt to keep him out of it. He used, manipulated, and scorned my mothering. I sent him to live with his father, whom he also abused and cheated for the next 3 years.

I asked him to visit for the holidays in 2007 and got sucked in again. He can be everything the mother wants--for a while--before mind games begin. I won't bore those of you who have suffered even worse, but I do need help with the letting go. Emotionally it's so hard. At present I am tracking the theft of an item from me before I confront him. Despite his denials, I "know" from experience he knows where the item is. It meant nothing to him, but gave him the chance to gloat about making me nuts again. So once again "parenting is feeding the hand that bites you" as someone wise said.

There it is. Not my child. Not my dreams for him. No way. But the news is not good, I know. Is there not any hope for him? This mother needs her illusions and her denial.