Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

sheriffgiraff · Joined: 19 Dec 2007 Posts: 7

I’m sorry if this post is too long. Hope someone will endure it.

I feel a bit reluctant posting my story here reading all these terrifying stories of years of abuse. My relation is a short story by comparison, a brief affair if you will. It only lasted three months so I guess you could call me lucky. However it does not feel that way. It is pain, it is suffering and I have a really hard time getting a grip on the reality and in my mind breaking loose from what occurred. So I humbly post my story in the hope that someone might be able to recognise themselves in it and save themselves while there is time and also in a sense to write it out of my system.

This summer I hooked up with a girl I met from an internet dating site. I had had four hard years recovering from the split-up with my sons' mother. Now actually realizing that some features in her character were abusive, like the silent treatment, she hardly spoke to me for five years, the need to control me, the daily meticulous cleaning, the constant blaming. Yes, I know it sounds crazy writing it down. But I certainly had my part in this dysfunctional relationship and at the time I felt guilty and somehow thinking I deserved it. Anyway this relationship was a summers breeze compaired to what followed.

Me and the internet girl had a rare flow in our mail exchange. For me this is a turn on. I love words and I take it seriously, words are futile unless felt and ment. We met after a few weeks of correspondence I didn’t think much about it. She was nice, a bit distant, but I blamed that on shyness. I took her out to dinner and on our third date, at her house, she took the initiative. It kind of shocked me. I didn't realise she was interested at all. There wasn't any real attraction or sexual tension building up. Not for me anyway. I just didn’t see it coming. But oh yeah I was flattered and thought; well, let’s give it a try. So we got together. I was flattered since she was ten years younger, charismatic, energetic. I pitied her because of her situation. She had two kids - a twelve year old daughter and son a year and a half. She had no contact whatsoever with neither father, and as I learned later on - a string of dysfunctional relationships behind her.

I pitied her because she did’t have many close friends, no long time friends, and quite a hard time at her work where she was liked by just a few of the staff.. I have many close and warm friends, I make friends easy and I think they love me for who I am. Simply, I am a likeable person.

The day after we got together she explained that she wanted to live with her children in womens community. And on top of that - she preferred women to men.”Women have more beautiful bodies, are more intelligent, have more empathy etc.” My response of course was; ”What?” ”Oh, in general that is, not you.You are special.”
That left me kind of dumbfounded. Why did she want to hook up with me if there were no options for the future? And what a strange thing say on our first day together! She had had lesbian relationsships or at least lesbian sex. That didn't bother me. But I felt strange. Like I somehow I was a second hand choice.
And one time when we met with friends she kissed and hugged her lesbian friend, they were really intimate. If it had been a man I would have left immediately. Since it was a girl, I didn't know what to do, I didn't want to look bigotted, or politically incorrect. But it did not feel right.

After three weeks she asked me if I wanted to have a baby with her. Again I was so flattered. I didn’t really take seriously, I thought of it more like a declaration of love and commitment.

One day I wanted to give her a massage thinking it might loosen her up, creating some intimacy, basically having a nice time together. She just wouldn’t calm down, she just kept running around doing other things, when I think she is finally settling down she jumps again. I was irritated and I sigh - she explodes. She completely blows up. She submerges me in a flood of anger. I didn’t understand it. I think I left the house or at least sat in bottom floor of her house.

At a dinner in a restaurant I felt somewhat anxious that something was wrong for a large part of the time.
I said that I was sad. She shouts at me and again, I find myselt trying to calm her down, fight off her tantrum, at the same time thinking; ”Hey! I'm the one who is sad, I'm sorry, I'm the one who should be pampered!”
This blows over. Everything is back to normal - for her that is - me, I just want to go home.
On the underground waiting for a connecting train she suddenly wants to see the view, be a bit crazy.
That might have been a romantic setting just not at that moment. I was exhausted, I just wanted to go home, cuddle up, feel naked skin, a warm embrace and forget this rising uncomfortable feeling.
It ends with her running in front of cars. Teasing me, then blaming me for walking in front of her, walking to fast, and then speeding away from me herself. After a non-sensical argument on the underground she calls me a neurotic. Too much. I leave the train, walk home alone in the night.

Everything was like this. We never had arguments, we had disasters. Black and white. Anger or at best coldness. If I disagreed she would explode. I kept excusing her for these temper tantrums, She was younger than me. She had a tremendous workload with her both kids, 12 and 18 months, no contact with neither father, as well as finishing her phD. Every time I showed an emotion whether it was irritation, anxiety or even joy I was put down by a temper tantrum. It is weird.

She had like two sides. A dr Jeckyll and mr Hyde, you could also say she put on a show of ”bad cop - good cop”. The strange thing is that these sides were strictly divided - in mail, sms and on the phone she was warm, friendly and even showing some insight but in reality she was cold and distant with staring pentrating blue eyes.

I did it all for her. I proof read her manuscript, baby sat her son, brought flowers, chocolate, cooked my own as well as her food at her house. The more I provided for her the more she loathed me. I could’t help it. The angrier she got the nicer, the more providing I became.

It is so weird, our relationship was so short, we hardly met, hardly had sex, but it still feels so like gangrene permeating my whole life.

Re-reading this I realize it all sounds meagre. Not at all sensational or something to be moaning about. But I can tell you the aftermath is an overwhelming sadness and pointlessness.

I have certainly taken the blame for the failure of this relationship even to the point reading somewhere that abusers often claim that they are the victims, questioning that maybe I was the abuser.

Christmas was a disaster and the feeling lingers on. I wish it hadn’t happened. I wish I’d never met her. I wish we still were together. I miss her. And hate her. Today I don’t know any more. I’m not sure what happened and I want her back. It is so painful, I don’t know where to go turn.

I am truly sorry for the length of this post.
I think it just had to be written.
Thanks for baring with me.

I sincerely hope everyone will have tremendously better year 2008. We deserve it!

J

GWO · Joined: 24 Dec 2007 Posts: 17

Hello dear

I notice you keep excusing yourself. Have you thought that you could actually make yourself susceptible to abuse by being so self-effacing? I think that's a problem I might have myself. I don't make excuses all the time, but I have a tendency to be very humble.

My relationship lasted three months too and I'm exhausted and shattered so I can relate to the way you feel.

sheriffgiraff · Joined: 19 Dec 2007 Posts: 7

hi gwo! and thanks for your reply!
You're right of course, I don't think I'm always this self-effasive. It's just that compared to stories like your own, (which by the way brought shivers down my spine, and you have my deepest sympathy, no-one should be treated that way and good for you that you broke loose!) it feels so small, like it didn't really happened. Maybe it was me, maybe it was in my own mind all the time, maybe I'm to sensitive. Everything done to me was more or less in my head, subtle mind games and tricks that I even now fail to recall. I just feel that creepy feeling of something that's not right.

I think that in these kind of situations empathy is a burden and not a blessing.

I so much want an excuse. I want to be right, to somehow validate my feelings, to hear her say that I'm not the crazy one.
I'm sorry, I'm an ass, I made a fool out of you, you were right, it's not okey to treat someone like I did. I didn't really love you and I should have

Well something like that.

Was your your abusive relationship recent? Hope you're coping and moving on.

/j

hello kitty · Joined: 01 Jan 2008 Posts: 7

Hello SheriffG. I read your story with great interest as my story is similarly brief (1 yr, long-distance) but created great havoc for me. I guess it is not so much the length of the relationship as it is its toxicity. For me the relationship I had with my N was a terribly destructive force in my life even though I only saw him every month or so. Unloving, unempathetic, selfish people are very hard for most of us to understand and in my attempts to understand and modify the behavior of my N I developed quite a case of self-loathing and hatred for my own life, which up until that point I had thought quite fine! Breathe, let the fresh air permeate the gangrene in your life and watch it fade over time. That is what I hope happens for me, too.

sheriffgiraff · Joined: 19 Dec 2007 Posts: 7

thanks kitty!
toxicity is a good word. it is chemistry, it is never love, not even close, it is so far out that it is impersonal - as is the N him/herself. and you do handle chemicals with care, but what do we do with the waste?

and yes it's so hard to understand and maybe that's the thing? they get us so entangled with trying to figure out who they are and why they react and act so absurdly that we forget our own selves? we give up our soul and forget what's okey, what we accep, dream and want out of a sound relationship.

take good care!
love to hear more of your story.

/j

GWO · Joined: 24 Dec 2007 Posts: 17

sheriffgiraff · Joined: 19 Dec 2007 Posts: 7

Sis, GWO - I feel sorry for you - but you know what?

I think too that only love can heal us. But not someone else's love. I've got to love ME, you got to love YOU. You don't need someone if you love yourself. And when you do - SHAZAAM! - you will certainly attract the right guy.

For me, anyway, it was low self esteem, that put me in this situation. I didn't trust my gut feeling, didn't rely on my inner compass. I wasn't sure and I should have been. I'm sure that if I would have loved me more, I would have seen the signs and not accepted it.

I know what I will try and do. And it is not easy. I will do things just for me. Go to the cinema, on exhibitions, concerts, spend my money on me, hang out more with warm and friendly friends. Focus on the good things. (at least in theory;-))

all the best to you

hello kitty · Joined: 01 Jan 2008 Posts: 7

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joi · Joined: 27 Nov 2007 Posts: 4

Congrats, I feel your pain- I to had to deal with a narcissistic person and prior to embarking on this relationship, I never knew thay exsisted. Easier said than done, but thank GOD your out. Time will heal your heart, I cant say you will forget the pain but atleast you can learn from them

sheriffgiraff · Joined: 19 Dec 2007 Posts: 7

thanks joi.
Thank god - YES, I am finally out! After almost a year I feel that the pain has subdued and I no longer need recognition from the crazy one. It was certainly a nightmare and I still feel an occassional sadness and longing for that something which wasn't there in the first place. I have learned, and am still learning a lot from that experience. But I take one step at a time. I enjoy life, my wonderful friends. And I finally feel it is her loss not mine. And that is great. What a powerful revenge - to feel good about oneself!

keep it up good people
eventually Very Happy

will return