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N RADAR (to be taken with a pinch of salt)

 
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Sailor2bill



Joined: 21 Feb 2007
Posts: 204

PostPosted: Mon Dec 10, 2007 9:39 pm    Post subject: N RADAR (to be taken with a pinch of salt) Reply with quote

New readers start here: A couple of months ago I sensed that an N was trying to rent an apartment I owned. I refused him and all N Hell broke out, proving I was right!
I therefore designed and constructed an N radar detector. It was home made and was basically a box of bits on a bicycle. You start off connected to the mains then pedal like hell to achieve the desired working voltage. The suspect N is required to hold a negative and a positive electrode, one in each hand, and upon reaching the desired voltage, if the suspect IS an N then the alarms sound. Unfortunately, it could prove dangerous so I was refining it in my garden shed. There was a loud bang and my shed together with next door's cat disappeared.
I have now reassembled the device and have road tested it. I live at the top of a hill and there is a straight run down the road outside. The road goes down for about 500yards, levels off, then goes down again. Where it levels, there is a cross roads with a set of traffic lights. I cleverly calculated that if I attached 500yards of mains cable to my device, then by the time I had pedalled furiously down to the crossroads and achieved enough speed to be self powered, I could then break free of the mains cable. I hoped by then I could take off like the boy in E.T.
So, off I went, I reached my critical speed and the traffic lights were green in my favour. I was about to cross the junction when suddenly, from my right a large expensive car appeared. It shot straight against the red light and knocked me off my bike. I grazed my knee and the N Radar was once again wrecked! The car driver got out and came over. I could see he was wearing sunglasses (even though it was cloudy) he had unnaturally white and perfect teeth which he constantly flashed. He sort of swaggered when he walked and I swear he had fake tan and a part wig. He looked like he did a bit of body building.
He quickly convinced me that the accident was all my fault, that he was an off duty police officer, a part time brain surgeon and was expert in all things. He said he could easily fix my wrecked machine and headed over to it. All I could recognise was a few bits of string and elastic, with two wires poking out. "Don't touch the wires" I cried out through gritted teeth despite the pain from my knee. He did however take one in each hand and there was a FLASH and a BANG! There was nothing left of him but a pair of sunglasses, a toy sherrif's badge and an enormous set of flashy teeth.
Does anyone know him?
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disengaging



Joined: 15 Feb 2007
Posts: 1337

PostPosted: Mon Dec 10, 2007 10:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sorry, don't know him Very Happy

but you know, there actually IS such a device available, well, kind of. You can buy a "stress detector" which has a number of lights on it. The green lights light up when a normal person is talking truthfully, however the red ones will go off indicating when their tone indicates stress, which also indicates probable deception. I actually have one here on my desk and even jack it into phone sometimes if I'm not certain whether someone is being honest with me. Yeah, I don't really know how accurate it is--if at all, but sometimes, it's interesting just to listen and watch those lights!
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NancyCT



Joined: 28 Feb 2007
Posts: 1308
Location: Connecticut, USA

PostPosted: Wed Dec 12, 2007 9:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sailor, when warned about taking both wires in his hands, did he by chance say, "I know what I'm doing!"? If so, I think I do know him.
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Talula



Joined: 06 Apr 2007
Posts: 139

PostPosted: Thu Dec 13, 2007 3:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

That was so well written I felt the wind blow through my hair!

Thanks for the visual. It's nice to read a little humor regarding N from time to time.

talula
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Sailor2bill



Joined: 21 Feb 2007
Posts: 204

PostPosted: Sat Dec 15, 2007 11:51 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks for your replies: Disengaging, I was amazed that there really is a similar sort of thing! Good job I found out before I applied for the sole patented rights. Nancy, glad you're around again. The suspect N definitely assured me he knew what he was doing. Incidentally, although he clearly went against the red lights he assured me that the accident would have been far worse had it not been for his skillful driving. I recollect that you have an interest in teaching and, I think, in music. Would you mind if I post a couple of related problems here for your advice?
Talula, I'm glad you see the humorous side of my endeavours. Someone took it seriously that I was actually seeking out suspect Ns on the site. It did raise a serious question that Ns could easily view the postings.
I know my stuff is crazy (you should hear the stories I tell my D's kids) but I write these things so that you can remember there IS another side to life apart from life with an N. Believe me, I have seen the real evil with which these Ns operate. I went to Hell and back with my D when she was married to an N, and it's not over yet despite the divorce. (Is it ever over with an N?). I know that there must be some members out there, entirely under the control of an N, possibly with no friends or family around them. This site is a brilliant help for them, with all the help which is available and if, as I say, they can remember there is life beyond the N then it's all to the good.
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Summer



Joined: 15 Feb 2007
Posts: 873

PostPosted: Sat Dec 15, 2007 5:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

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Last edited by Summer on Sun Dec 30, 2007 6:44 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Garuda



Joined: 13 Dec 2007
Posts: 3
Location: US

PostPosted: Sun Dec 16, 2007 4:45 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi all,

I'm new here and haven't yet posted any story because I keep reading all these funny posts to which I want to reply.

I survived a family of: Ns, Ps, Stalkers, Bullies (and more to be added later).

Cracked up when I saw this post and the 'remains' could belong to any number of people I've known, or know now.

As for the stress detector, the trouble with that is Ns and Ps never really think they are lying because, to them, the world revolves around them and so everyone and everything bends to their reality, no matter how often they change it!

G.
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Sailor2bill



Joined: 21 Feb 2007
Posts: 204

PostPosted: Sun Dec 16, 2007 9:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Summer, I'm so glad someone recognised the various bits and pieces. Do you want them back or shall I put them in the trash can? As you are in urgent need, I have quickly reassembled the prototype and have fedexed it direct to you, post haste. It is still a little delicate and sensitive so could go off with a bang at any time especially if it senses an N nearby. Perhaps you could put it in the witness box?
Seriously, I'm sure we'll all be thinking of you on Wednesday. Remember, don't even look at the N, face the judge, don't let N's attorney annoy or upset you, they are trained to do this so be prepared. All the facts are on your side, just stick to the facts and let N ramble on.
Garuda, welcome to the club! Come in, sit down and post your problems here. (Well, not on 'Anything Goes') simply writing down and 'off-loading' the N problems can help a great deal and you'll get excellent advice here. (not from me, I write all the nonsense here).
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Shadey Lady



Joined: 19 Feb 2007
Posts: 150

PostPosted: Tue Dec 18, 2007 5:11 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Summer,

I am so disappointed to hear of your comment about the N Clone Machine. I have suspected for a number of years that it exists. I think that we need to put together an expedition to find out where it is located and destroy the d#@% machine. I think it might be located close to where I live, because N has 3 siblings that are probably N's. That is a lot for one family, so maybe the machine is sending out special N-Rays that have infected the local people.

I nominate Tom Selleck to lead the expedition and I will certainly be there. Laughing Any body else want to sign up? After the holidays, of course.

Hopefully Sailor will come, because I wonder if we could somehow hook up his N radar to the N Clone Machine and short circuit the process. Sailor, I think we need some of your technical help here.

Just thinking of the many possibilities....

Shadey
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Summer



Joined: 15 Feb 2007
Posts: 873

PostPosted: Tue Dec 18, 2007 3:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

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Last edited by Summer on Tue Jan 08, 2008 12:32 am; edited 1 time in total
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NancyCT



Joined: 28 Feb 2007
Posts: 1308
Location: Connecticut, USA

PostPosted: Mon Dec 24, 2007 11:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Proposed modification to the N-Radar: Sailor, do you think this could be incorporated into the plans?

The Butt Kicking Machine
This is a machine we all could use at certain times, and some people could use daily. I could see possibilities for a franchise of these, set up in shopping malls. Your friends would buy you a "ride" after you did something really stupid. Or you could treat yourself to a session, as a reminder to never do "that" again. This is US Patent # 6,293,874.

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Sailor2bill



Joined: 21 Feb 2007
Posts: 204

PostPosted: Sat Dec 29, 2007 9:45 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nancy, I'm just getting back into circulation after the holiday. Actually it was no holiday for me as I was slaving away on the project. I have managed to incorporate your device into the N radar. It was so good that I must offer you a job here as senior technician. The hours are long and the work is hard but it is for a worthy cause. Unfortunately, you have just missed the firm's Christmas party, it was a bit quiet, just me and the dog and the cleaning lady. I am also appointing Summer as senior sales executive. I do hope she accepts this important post.
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Summer



Joined: 15 Feb 2007
Posts: 873

PostPosted: Mon Dec 31, 2007 1:10 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

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