Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

amy80 · Joined: 08 Dec 2007 Posts: 2

Hi I am new to this whole thing (unfortunately, I thought this type of thing only happened in the movies).

So a quick rundown. My girlfriend (we are gay), who I will call "N" left me at the beginning of the year for someone I now beleive to be a psychopath that I will call "S". It seemed that while S was pretending to be our friend she was slowly brainwashing my girlfriend into leaving me and starting a new life with her. The extend of this brainwashing is so severe that N believes that they will someday have a normal relationship even though S is not gay, will not be open about their relationship to her family and kids, has told N that they will never live together and they have never been sexually intimate in all this time.

In front of us she is an ice-cold bitch but in front of N she is a meek, mild mannered thing that can turn on the tears whenever she wants.

S tried in the beginning to turn me against N and kept saying things to me like "I should have chosen you over her" and "I was not the only one N was trying to suduce, if it hadn't been me it would have been someone else". I guess she was trying to isolate her.

Her family and I tried to warn N and tried to scare S off but it seemed like the more we tried the more S got a kick out of it (smug bitch) and the more contol she had over N to the point where N was prepared to choose S over all of her family.

N is so far under her spell that it seems to have not occured to her that if S really loved her she would want to spend at least some of Christmas day with her instead of with her family and the family of her seperated husband, including his parents.

N no longer speaks to me and when we do cross paths just looks at me with conempt, I believe that S has convinced her that I am the reason why she is not accepted by N's family, who I am still very close too. She has lost so much weight (from stress I believe) that she is beginning to look unhealthy. Her self-esteem seems to be so low and she seems to be starved for any praise and will often ask friends over and over if she has done well in choosing a present.

I am really scared for N's mental state because it seems to me that the ultimate power a psychopath can have is for someone to believe they can't live without them and to commit suicide.

Can anyone please give me advice on how to make N see that she is caught in the web of someone so cunning and manipulative. To those of you who have been caught in that web, what made you finally see the truth?
N is my best friend and it breaks my heart to see someone who was once so strong willed become a pawn in a game she doesn't know she is playing.

littlecat2 · Posted: Thu Dec 13, 2007 1:56 pm Post subject:

Hi there ... Your story is very sad .... N's run across all genders and all sexual proclivities, and this is a very sad example of it. I'm sorry you're having to go through this. But, the unfortunate truth is ... you can't "make an N see anything." Even with a healthy person, it is difficult, at best, to help them see what's going on unless they really want the help. With an N ... well, they will not, they cannot, change. It is as if they are made out of cast iron .... nothing that is said, nothing that happens to or around them, will ever be allowed to penetrate their already preset ideas ... their dogmatic belief that "they are always right." Everyone else is considered "off, sick, stupid" or some other maligning phrase. I'm sorry to be the bearer of such sad news, but it's true. There is an excellent book on all this ... it's by Sam Vaknin and it's called "Malignant Self-Love." Please keep posting ... you could be in for a rough road if you continue to believe you can help N see the truth. Take care ....
abby
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amy80 · Joined: 08 Dec 2007 Posts: 2

Hi again thanks for your response.
I think I may have confused the whole N thing. My girlfriends name is Natalie but for privacy sake I just called her "N" in my original post not knowing that N stood for Narcissist. Whoops!

So Nat is not a narcissist, but is caught up in the lies and manipulations of someone who is, that would be "S".

So my question is this, is there any way to show someone that they are being lied to and basically used for entertainment. I believe that "S" (who is seperated from her husband because she had an affair and he found out) is probably still having sex with at least him. From the stories I have heard about her, she has had many affairs but he only found out about this one. She is obviously addicted to sex, so how is it possible that Nat does not see that by them not furthering their relationship sexually (this in itself is not normal) it is more than likely that S is getting it elsewhere?

Nat has changed so much. She has gone from being strong willed, wanting to start a family and an honest and loving person to someone who lies all the time and refuses to make eye contact with her family and me. I have been told that this is a sign that she is unhappy but unwilling at this stage to let us see it and she knows that those of us who truely know her would see it in her eyes. Do you think this is true?

I have also been told that she keeps those of us she cares about the most, especially her mother and me, at arms distance because S wants her isolated so she can control her easier. Basically if I am not around then she does not have to decide to stay with S because that is the only option available to her. Should I try to befriend her again or just stay away?

I am so confused and I feel paralysed with the fear of not wanting to make the situation worse. Is it likely that S will get bored and discard her or will she keep her hanging indefinitely because she makes her feel young (there is a 12 year age gap) and shows her lots of attention when it suits her?

I am normally the sort of person who says and acts on how I think and feel but the last 9 months have been a rollercoaster ride of rejection, acceptance and then rejection all over again. Everytime I have tried to smooth things over with Nat, S has found a way to provoke and twist things and make me look like the bitch. Nat still sees some of out mutual friends but they all hate S and have disliked her from the moment they met her (before I was dumped). It is like Nat is looking through a set of blinders and the only thing she sees and hears is S. Her Mum asked her the other day if she was happy with S and Nat changed the subject, such a simple question so how can it not have an answer?

So what the hell do I do? I know I have asked a lot of questions but I truely am out of my depth. People are telling me to walk away and give up but I feel like I can't. The Nat I know and love must be there somewhere but how do we make her stop acting the way S wants her too?

Please help me get an idea of how and what to do.

littlecat2 · Posted: Fri Dec 14, 2007 5:49 pm Post subject:

Hi again .... I'm glad you clarified what "N" meant. But, it sounds as though there is little you, or anyone, can do until she decides to change the situation herself. All you can do is just be there if and when she falls. In the meantime, I'd say just go on with your life (I know ... easier said than done), and just wait and see how this all shakes out. Take care of yourself ....
abby
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