Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

Shadey Lady · Joined: 19 Feb 2007 Posts: 151

Hey all,

I have to be honest here and say that I have really been struggling lately with my emotions and some depression. I know that there have been some triggers: last saturday would have been our 34th wedding anniversary; Our son's wedding last month; in two weeks, we will have been divorced two years...

I have been going to counseling, but it hasn't been helping lately. I am absolutely lost as to how to convey my feelings to my counselor and how to help myself out of my funk.

I read some of these posts and people seem to be able to get over things and move on with their lives much better and faster than I have been able to. I know that some of my stumbling blocks are 1) The lack of a diagnosis for N- is he an N or just a chauvinistic, stubborn, stupid, jerk? Could we have worked things out? 2) my inability to comprehend that what I went through was abuse- after all, he never hit me... 3) my religion and my beliefs about family 4) my feelings that I have "lost" myself and my family (because of the divorce)

Does anyone else go through the constant questioning of themselves? If you do or did, what makes it "better"? What has your counselor or friend or relative said, that made the light bulb go on? I get told all the time- "We just can't believe you got divorced, you seemed like an old happily married couple". And just a few weeks ago, I got the incredibly insensitive woman who said " I just don't get it when older people get divorced".

I read about Summer and Nancy and Oh Gal who have terrible trials with their N's. Mine is so different in many ways.

I would appreciate any words of wisdom.

Peace, Shadey Lady

vmm · Joined: 07 Aug 2007 Posts: 175

Hi.

Some of us have commented to each other that the 2nd year is actually harder than the first. First year, many of us exist on "super energy from within" just to keep up with the divorce and antics. Then things settle down and when you start breathing normally again, you miss the normalcy of a normal life. Does that make sense?

One thing that helped with me was that mine was such a TOTAL A$$ to me, my children, my brothers, my attny even the judge every day of the divorce for 4 solid years. Through and through. He picked at everything, tried every antic in every how to screw her divorce book, no matter what the cost to the children.

So actually this stupidity on his part, made it alot easier to verify with my own emotions that he was an evil, dangerous person and the longer I was with him the more my children would be harmed. Then he would appear sweet as a bird to others like I was the vindictive one.

This is the abuse part, IMHO, to those outside, you have it all. Why would anyone ever give that all up, people wonder. You even ask your self. Like me, both me and he under 40, lots of money, 1/4 million salary, house on the beach, set to retire in 3 years. Appeared to those on the outside as the "wonder couple". My friends and family would say "we see now that he is such an a$$, you have no choice but to leave him and defend your children's rights, or he will have you all in the gutter. (N's statement that I should be "wallowing in the gutter" is actually in the court records.)

Sometimes, I think back in relief that he was such an a$$, otherwise I (and others) would have doubted (again) why it was so important for me to get me and the children out from under him. Why I didn't try harder, Why I din't keep faking the facade for the sake of my children, why I gave up all that money, (child support ordered at $6000 of his $250,000 a year) Why my children have such a split life.

But I'm over this "failed my marriage" thing. I hate it that I don't have a normal loving husband to come home to every day for the resto of my life. The wonderful marriage, the one everyone thought I had. But its not my fault. I married a disordered person.

One thing I do that actually helps me, is to hang out with happily married people. And go to family activity places. Odd huh? But I see the respect that they treat each other with and remember I never received that in my marriage, and my children feel it too.

Begining the week of my honeymoon, I actually started noticing the N morphs. I knew then, in my heart, I had made a terrible mistake, I remember about 8 specific times during the marriage that I called either my bros or my mom and said, "I need out! he is a mean vindictive man. Save me. I need out!" And my family would talk me though, that things weren't all that bad. My family and all of my friends are long term married.

As for those that say why you divorced, they just have not been there and just don't understand. I have learned to accept this.

Now that me and my brothers understand that this is an entire disorder it has been easier on all of us. Two months into N's hell divorce on me I was desperately searching the internet for help with abusive divorces and learned about silent psychopaths and narcissism. No one could even believe my story but the friends that I have found on the forums, a gift from God. Lots of support here from people that understand what you are going through.

NancyCT · Joined: 28 Feb 2007 Posts: 1327 Location: Connecticut, USA

Yes, yes, yes, and yes. The emotions and depression come and go like the tide. I've only been separated for 4+ months, so I'm not as far in this as you are. I'm still going through the agony of the divorce. What helps? Knowing that this is perfectly normal and actually healthy to feel this way, and knowing that it will get better. At least that's what I'm told.

My XN had a diagnosis. And in a way, I'm glad there was physical abuse. It made it so much easier to come out of denial. Also, my therapist kept telling me N was a "classic abuser" when I was still stuck in it, and that the only way to make it stop was to get out. The abuser won't change.

When people express their disbelief that our 25 year (anniversary 2 weeks ago) "happy" marriage broke down, I respond by saying that you never really know what goes on behind closed doors, do you? No matter what your situation, I think the behind closed doors statement is a good one. Covers all bases, leaves out all the ugly details, and people usually just nod in agreement as their imaginations fly.

One of the hardest parts for me was N's smear campaign against me. It went on for years before I realized it. I lost close friends. I am in total disbelief that anyone at all accepted the lies he told about me. Total projection. But I suppose my telling people that he beat me up is just as hard for them to believe. Again, we appeared happy and content.

As for the emotions and depression, my therapist told me that as long as the periods between lengthen and the duration and intensity shortens over time, I'm in good shape. The emotions can't be avoided. We have to go through them, and the longer the relationship the worse it is. The therapists can't lessen the pain (I know, I have 3 of them), but they can reassure us that what we are going through is normal, others have gone down this same road before us and come out the other side wiser and stronger and more sure of themselves than they ever would have been otherwise. Unfortunately, the only way to the other side is right down the middle. I'll let you know when I get there.

I wish I could offer you more wisdom, or a better, more distant perspective, but I'm new to this. My world fell apart just 3 years ago. I lost hope that it could be repaired just months ago. If it weren't for the understanding and support I find here and in my few true friends and of course the love of my children, I probably woundn't even be getting out of bed anymore.

When I'm in a deep funk, the best thing for me is to cry. It's not always an option, but when it is it's the greatest thing ever to have a really good gut-wrenching sob. Hurts like hell in the middle of it, but I always feel lighter afterwards. Let the emotions out. Literally. If I let them out, I'm not living with them bottled up inside constantly waiting to erupt. Once they're out, they're out. I cry until I'm too exhausted to cry anymore. Only then do I feel better.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm sorry I'm going through this too. Next time I get the opportunity, I'll cry for you too. I'll cry for every last one of us who has found our way here. And I'll cry for those poor souls who are still stuck in their living hell because old married couples just don't get divorced.

vmm · Joined: 07 Aug 2007 Posts: 175

Oh and it was a friend on one of the boards that assured me landing in a funk for a while was okay ... cacooning .. the butterfly wings are just not fully formed yet.

I have butterfies all over my house after reading this several years back. It helped me tremendously.

Shadey Lady · Joined: 19 Feb 2007 Posts: 151

THanks vmm and Nancy,

I appreciate your replies. Maybe it is the two year thing. When the kids and I moved away from the family farm home, we moved into a trailer house. We lived there for four years while the divorce went on and on, and then I built a new house. I have been so excited to get moved, but since we have moved in, things have almost been worse for me. I think that my "plans for the future" didn't extend far enough into the future. I was so busy on the house that I missed some other things. I find myself not even getting things unpacked, and it has been months since we moved into the new house.

Living in the trailer was like being on a really long, horrible vacation. THe place was literally falling apart, but it was a haven for me. I enjoyed finding things at the Salvation Army store to replace what I left behind. Now I can't seem to get motivated to even get pictures hung on the wall.

I have told my counselor that no matter what I say, I am basically paying her to believe me. After having been away from N for a while now, I can't believe some of the things he said or did. If I have a hard time believing it, what does a counselor think, who's never met N?

My N is very quiet. I think that's why most people can't imagine why we got divorced. Yeah, I have told people "you don't know what goes on behind closed doors" and I have said " it has been a long time coming", but then they look at this kind of mousey guy and the pictures don't jibe.
Since I am the one who moved from the big city to the farm, they just figure I couldn't stand life on the farm.

I told my counselor the last time I saw her, that I thought I was going crazy. (I think that losing my mind might be nice. Living in a padded cell with someone else paying the bills and fixing the meals might be a nice change. ) Otherwise, why can't I get over this?

Sorry, just maudlin lately. There have been a lot of changes in my life recently, and maybe it is just my emotions and feeling catching up to reality. I get tired of being mom 24/7. I get tired of paying all the bills. I get tired of the discipline and being responsible for everything. My N hardly sees our daughter, but won't bow out of our lives. He (maybe) is finally leaving me alone, but I am on edge, wondering when he will start another campaign to get me back. As I write this, I wonder how beaten down I am, just waiting for "the other shoe to drop" all the time.

These feelings come and go. I guess my concern for myself is that they are so strong right now, and it has been long enough that I would think they would be diminishing.

Thanks to everyone on this board. I don't know how any of us survive without support from others who have experienced this kind of hell on earth.

Peace, Shadey Lady

Shadey Lady

vmm · Joined: 07 Aug 2007 Posts: 175

livedthroughit · Joined: 20 Feb 2007 Posts: 946

Umm, me three. I can't enjoy periods of long silence from the N. I just wonder what he plotting. I feel suspended, just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Don't get me wrong, I am happy that at least for the last 5 months, he seems to have no desire to use the legal process. It has been a great 5 months, as I have been able to concentrate on d but the thought of what he is up to is always still in the back of my mind.

Shadey Ladey, maybe this is just a stage you are going through. A challenge to let go of the constant anxiety you lived with for all those years. Some things we can work out in therapy, but others I believe we must work out within ourselves. Whatever else is left must be left to God.

Summer · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 876

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dagna · Joined: 18 Apr 2007 Posts: 493

Shadey,

Sorry you are going through this. It seems to happen around where I live when the dark comes in. Please remember 1) you have been through a lot, and 2) you have a great deal on your plate. It's not easy, and you deserve a good funk every so often.

Moving into your house is a big transition. It is a very real indicator that your new life is starting. You are on a different trip than you had planned. That can be very difficult and hard to embrace. There is a permanency about it.

It doesn't matter if he was an N or just a chauvinistic, stubborn, stupid, jerk. Either way you lose. If you hadn't split, you would be miserable. Maybe you are miserable right now but at least you are in charge of your misery. It is a big responsibility, but it is also healing. Subversive abuse can be very intense even if he isn't screaming at you or hitting you.

You tried everything. You tried for 30 years. There was nothing left to do if he wasn't willing to try. I, too had family that were in long term marriages. I heard all about how everybody goes through these things, how I just needed to try harder, all men are like that. Had I been in a more reasonable relationship, I'm sure that I wouldn't 'get it' either.

BUT... if you really feel like you are stuck in a funk, please see your doctor.

Hang in there,
Dagna
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