Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

mikey#1 · Posted: Thu Aug 16, 2007 5:06 am Post subject: Insanity Re-visited

When I write my poetry I never know where it will lead me. It sort of writes it's own rules. There are many of my poems that I write with tears but it is a form of therapy for me.

I want to add this: When I was with my ex-boyfriend I started (this is hard to talk about) cutting myself. I did not do it to kill myself but as a release of pain overwhelming pain. Finally, one night, after he had verbal beat me to the ground, I did it again. He really thought I did it for the attention and decided that he was not going to deal with it anymore. He told my youngest son. Eventually, that night both of my sons became involved, something that I did not want them to see. I explain this because on that night I made a promise to them that I would never do it again. It caused them great pain, I would never hurt my sons. I have never, never cut myself again. This poems touches on those old feelings but is something that will never happen again.,

August 15, 2007

I wonder how many times must I fall
before it becomes just too much
I deny the pain and the hurt
for to speak its name would make it real
if it is not solid, concrete but only in my mind
maybe the pain will be less

I long for more but must settle for less
comfort is but a memory to my soul
my heart, my brain know the truth
you were never really there…
just a man made of fog and mist

you came into my life just to destroy
you came into my heart
only to crack and break it apart
when I needed hugs and kisses
all that answered were the words
pierced on the sword that was your tongue
the gentle touches curled into fists
I could not believe the hardness of your hands

why was I chosen for this pain
did I ask for this destructive force
I needed, longed for someone to hold me close
I did not ask you to come, to enter my life
I did not suspect the empty shell that was you
why, why will you not go away
how come you still creep into my mind
how do I let you go,
push you away from my heart

I know you walk free but should not
I am jailed, locked into my pain
you are free to laugh, to play, to love
and I sit in the silence of my home,
the emptiness of my heart, in the silence all alone
holding nothing but my shredded soul
you evil, hateful man, I scream
and cry but no one hears
I live in a soundproof house
hidden in my padded cell
I wander aimless in my mind
and in the end you win…
because some day I will give in
and truly feel, truly be alone within myself…

I can not explain the insanity that sits on my doorstep
I wonder at the songs I hear
the sunrises that I miss
the sunsets that I no longer see
I am tired of all the pain
that comes to overwhelm,
drowned me, once again

and in the end you win
even though you did not deserted me
did not walk away
because it was I who made you go,
made you leave
does that mean I am at fault
did I cause this pain
if I had not made you leave
my heart would not be broken
my soul would not be shredded
everything would be intact
the only thing that would be broken
is me…
the bruises on my body, the bumps on my head,
the hurt that you inflicted that was invisible,
that no one saw, no one felt but me
I know I will never win,
because my mind is the enemy now…
It beckons and calls me across the abyss
please come and play
come and be
come back to the pain and see
that all the comfort, all the joy
are wrap up in the pain he gave to me
come back into your mind and know the peace
come back and behold yourself
and finally be set free
walk among the memories and find out the truth
find out the lies that are buried in the archives of your mind, heart and soul
remember, remember, dear girl
that it all goes back to the doorstep of the child
that you were never meant to be…

he was made for you
you were to be his forever
the looks, loving words were
just disguises of the truth
you know, you knew
and it finally has happened
the punishment, the reward
for all the wrong actions
you were there for a reason a
and the reason was pain
you were there for him
to alleviate his pain
go on, go away and follow the trail
you know where it leads
you know where it ends

the hollow words in my mind
are loud and scary
they are commanding and forceful
just like he
I have played with knives and razor blades
I love the glitter and shiny things
I cut not to died but to be alive
the blood is not awful for it is my tears
sometimes I am afraid of the deadness
that wells up inside me
I cut to live not to die
it is not my time, I promise I will not die
this pain makes me alive
breaths life into my deaden soul
but then sometimes I feel like I will blow apart
that I am a pressure cooker
I must release the steam, escape from the pain
if I do not, I will shatter,
and be scattered
never be found….

oh, I cry, I am alive
I can not die for I am already dead
he took everything that was me
and now I am nothing, I no longer can be
how can I exist when I do not feel,
I hate the pain
the void, the darkness
the nothingness that lives within
it is so dark and hollow
I wish I could feel the pain
but if I cry, let the tears start
I will end up curled in a ball
wanting it all to end, waiting for the pain to die
but it will never end
my mind is too scarred, my heart in too many pieces
I do not know how to put myself back together…

if my false knight came today
I would climb into his chariot
and let myself be swept away
because I would rather have pain
then have the nothingness that lives within
a vacuum is wrapped around
my mind, heart and soul
they are empty and nothing is heard
I know – I have been there, I live there
and will be there waiting for it all to end…

there is an ending to every story
there is an ending to ever phase of my life
for if it does not end, does not die
there is no chance for the re-birth of me.

Mikey#1
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movedon · Site Admin Joined: 12 Jul 2007 Posts: 827

Mikey((((((((((((((hugs))))))))Im sat crying my eyes out at your words
Its so heartfelt I felt like I was inside your pain, you put it so well.
I Pray for you tonight and send you loads of healing thoughts and love
You will mend and we will all put you together again each and every one of us.
God Bless you

Hugs
Movedon
xxxxxxxxxxxx

mikey#1 · Posted: Fri Oct 05, 2007 3:37 pm Post subject:

movedon

Thank you.

Mikey#1
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Echo · Posted: Tue Oct 09, 2007 7:08 pm Post subject:

Mikey, That was breath-taking. Thank you for sharing that with us, that's got to have taken alot of courage Smile

How far you've come - thank goodness! Echo

Theresa13 · Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 1547 Location: , Ontario

Mikey I'm a blithering idiot after reading this ................. It's absolutely incredibly moving and I feel the pain right along with you..........I have a friend that cuts and I wonder would you mind if I sent this to her..........I think it would help her a lot................GOD BE WITH YOU MIKEY........I'm choking on the tears.........I'm so very sorry for the intensity and I know how real that is..............Much love , Theresa
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I've given my memoirs far more thought than any of my marriages. You can't divorce a book.

mikey#1 · Posted: Fri Oct 26, 2007 7:49 pm Post subject:

Theresa13,

I am sorry that I have not responded sooner but I have been out of town and away from my computer. Of course, you can send this to your friend. I am honored that you think it would help her. I sympathize and remember the feeling of being out of control, of wanting to know I was alive and fear of shattering into a thousands pieces. Is your friend seeing someone to help her. I think being ashamed of ourselves is the biggest hurdled but lots of people (woman more that men) cut. If I can be of any further help, please let me know

Mikey#1

Theresa13 · Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 1547 Location: , Ontario

Thanks so very much Mikey, I'm sorry about not getting back to you either, My friend is in NC zone since my DD prelim trial, (last time she cut), I guess it was just too much of a trigger for her..........Sooooooooo I'm quite sure she'll receive this in the manner it's given ........I love her so very much and She's just the most decent human being............I miss her very much too............I'll be glad when we can put this court crap behing us........Thanks again Mikey...........Always, Theresa
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I've given my memoirs far more thought than any of my marriages. You can't divorce a book.

Zeemanfree · Joined: 09 Dec 2007 Posts: 47 Location: Connecticut U.S.

Mikey...just read that and can't even read the screen right now there are so many tears in my eyes. No more pain..I'll take loneliness
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There is no companion as companionable as solitude. - Thoreau