Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

withall1sheart · member Joined: 16 Apr 2007 Posts: 42

The exNH has visitation with our two children, D age 3 and S age 2, every other weekend. Since the N is often a no show, I find myself emailing him and asking him if he will be coming for them because I do not want to be waiting around for him. The last time he picked up our children it had been 10 weeks. Interestingly, he asked if he could pick up our D from pre-school and our S from daycare and I agreed instead of the regular evening scheduled time.

Ns weekend is this Friday and I want to email him and ask if he is picking our children up. Should I? I have also been bold in my emails because he owes over $ 17,000 in child support and has not paid a dime since March 2007. For certain reasons, no one is enforcing my child support case, and I am waiting until Nov. 2007 to request a Felony Non-Support criminal case against him.

Anyways, I've asked him to pay daycare, I've asked him to help with pre-school cost, etc. etc. And to top it off, at the end of his last visit with our children he kept some of our children's clothing, that I bought, and returned S with an 18 month short sleeve shirt when our S wears a size 3T. I was livid and I expressed my disappointment and lack of responsiblity to exNH's mother when she and exNH's sister returned our children because exNH fears getting arrested as he did in April 2007 that led to a payment towards child support.

Again, should I email him and asked if he is planning on picking up our children this Friday? Should I again ask him about the child support? Although when I have emailed him about his lack of supporting our children it makes me feel better because I am venting and transferring my frustrations onto him. Its when I don't say anything to him is when I feel I am bottling it all up inside. I know that there is a possibility of my emails being used against me but I feel a reasonable human being can understand my frustrations with the lack of payment and support our children, the account being over $ 17,000, and his lack of spending time with our children amounting to every 8 to 10 weeks.

I believe in No Contact, I hate contacting him, but letting the exNH know that he will not get away with it much longer makes me feel better then having it all bottled up inside me.

Any input would be great. Thanks.
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With All One's Heart

Summer · member Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 927

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withall1sheart · member Joined: 16 Apr 2007 Posts: 42

Thanks for the response.

To be quite honest, my civil court system sucks. In January 2007, we went to court and the judge gave him 45 days to come up with $ 1,000.00 when the account was over $ 10,000.00 and his last payment was in August 2006. I had to re-hire my divorce attorney for the civil court proceedings and to enforce the support order and instead received a reduction in child support and my cost for my attorney was $ 1,500.00. She even recognized the judge's injustice and suggested that I wait for the account to be high enough again to seek a felony complaint for non-payment. Then most recently I received a letter from my attorney stating that if I did not make monthly payments to her on the attorney fees she would start collections against me for nonpayment. Thank God I only owe her less than $ 400.00.

How will my telling him to help provide for our children and to take them be used against me? How does my pressuring him to pay on the support and to spend time with our children excuse him from his court ordered obligation to pay monthly support and to visit them? Is he going to tell the court, "she emailed me again to see if I am picking up the kids because I fail to pick them up and don't call to cancel nor do I help provide for them" ? Creditors call, mail, add late fees when an account is 30 day past due and yet my exNH is getting away with his account being past due by more than 6 months and balance of over $ 17,000.00 without no enforcement action by anyone. The only advocate my children have is me and if I don't take action no one will. Again, I would like him to tell the court that I am being mean to him by sending mean emails, not nasty just bold, because he is not taking our children or helping support them. How is that, my boldness, releavant to his court ordered obligation to pay support and failure to provide for them emotionally and financially? Would he say I am crazy and want to take custody of our children, yeah right, he can't even bare to take them on his court ordered visitation and pawns them off on his sister when he does have them. I feel my emails would prove that I have asked him for financial help for our children and for him to provide for them emotionally and he has failed. I feel this would demonstrate to the court that I have kept it out of the court system by asking him for help and as the only alternative am seeking for court intervention and to place him on probation so that he does pay.

I apologize for my tone. Yes, I am very upset because my child care expense is $ 247.50 weekly and I am indebt with the child care provider and left to wonder how I am going to feed my children as I am the only provider. I have creditors calling and incurring late fees and yet asshole free. In my comment to his mother I told her that his day was coming as it did before referring to me filing a criminal complaint and him being incarcerated for non-payment. I had hope that she would have encouraged her little boy to start providing so that she did not have to go through the whole experience of her little boy being locked up again but nothing yet.
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With All One's Heart

Summer · member Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 927

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OxDrover · Posted: Sat Oct 13, 2007 6:28 pm Post subject:

DEar With,

I was just cruising by and read your post with the frustration I hear in your words...

I think Summer has given you wonderful advice.

If you look at things, though, in a dispassionate way (which I think I can do much more easily than you can since you are the one whose "ox is gored")

1) His infrequent visitation and failure to pay are actually a POSITIVE THING.

A) It shows that he has little committment to the children or their welfare
B) That HE is irresponsible
C) That HE is not taking advantage when he could of seeing them or doing what HE SHOULD
D) that HE is a liar

2) YOU, on the other hand, are the "good and caring mother" vs his UNCARING Behavior

3) HE is making the children suffer vs. YOUR trying to foster a positive relationship with the children's father

So, to the court, HE will look like the uncaring jerk that he is. And the legally IRRE3SPONSIBLE person that he is.

This in the end, could allow you to totally eliminate his parental rights at some point in time--and believe me, that would be BETTER and WORTH all child support payments forward and back---you could get him out of your and the children's lives FOREVER!

It is obvious to me he cares not for the children, and only picks them up at all as a way to keep you giving him NS.

If the bill gets high enough and they arrest him, maybe you could BARGAIN with him and say "sign your rights away" and I will let you off the financial hook forever! Now that would be a wonderful GIFT that y ou could purchase for the good of your children. Whatever the price it would be, to me at least, WELL WORTH THE FINANCIAL COST.

In the meantime, I would DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT (photos and witnesses) but NOT ever e mail him about anything or talk to him about visitation. I would be SWEETER to him than HONEY when I did talk to him (record these conversations if it is legal) and then, when he didn't pay and the bill got high enough to get him arrested---BINGO! BA BOOM! Ticket to jail, do not pass go, do not collect $200!

Also, that way, if God Forbid,you died or became severely disabled, he would have no legal right to the children and you could see that they were raised by whomever YOU chose! ((Hugs))) and prayers and good luck my dear. NC is wonderful! I think the Good Lord is giving you the perfect ammunition to get him out of your life and the lives of your kids---I strongly suggest you use every bullet available!
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Life is lived forward, but understood backwards.

withall1sheart · member Joined: 16 Apr 2007 Posts: 42

Thank you both for your words of wisdom and advise. I had hit a low when I wrote this entry and was overwhelmed with feelings of frustration, anger, and a sense of loss. I am getting back to my old self, strong willed, strong hearted, strong minded, and with conviction (in a healthy way). The exNH again did not show up for to pick up our children this weekend this time he did text me and cancelled. Suprisingly, it was because I texted him and told him our D was ill and would not be attending school. When he text me back to cancel and did not even ask how our D was doing. Doesn't suprise me anymore. I did not reply to his text.

The last weekend he took our children his family had a family party. How classic, he only took our children to show people his "picture perfect family." Little do people know that it is only about every 10 weeks that he takes them with absolutely no contact with our children within that time period.

Again, thanks for showing me perspective when my mind was clouded. Nothing is gained from telling the exNH how I feel about him lacking as a parent. I'm just giving him a piece of myself and letting him know that he can still gets to me when I react. He does not deserve that type of attention or any attention.

I have gone to this site over the last year and reading the entries and stories have been extremely helpful in keeping focused. Thank you all.
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With All One's Heart

withall1sheart · member Joined: 16 Apr 2007 Posts: 42

OxDover,

You are right. His lack of being a father both financially and emotionally is a POSITIVE THING. However, there is a very tiny piece of me that wants my children to have some sort of positive relationship with their father. Maybe it is the inner child in me that longed to have a relationship with my father. Although my father was in the home he was emotionally unavailable. So, I am sure that the exNH is probably emotionally unavailable to our children and that is more damaging than the exNH being uninvolved.

Anyways, in my state my spouse and I would have to adopt my children unless the state took the exNH's parental rights away and I have only seen this in severe abuse and neglect cases. Presently, I am not dating. It is difficult to date when raising a 2, 3 1/2, and 17 year old, and when the exNH doesn't take our 2 and 3 1/2 children leaving no time for myself. Maybe that is a good thing now. I guess when the time is right God will send Mr. Right my way. In the meantime, it is about my children and their needs and welfare.

Thanks again,
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With All One's Heart