Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

Kathryann · Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 72

It's been 3 months of NC and I have great days, and then I have bad ones. I am sitting here alone tonight feeling jealous that he has a life and I don't. Isn't that ridiculous? I really don't know what he's doing, but I'm assuming he's back with girlfriend 3 or girlfriend 1, I was 2, but I didn't know it at the time. I keep seeing his face snickering at me when I was crying. It was just like he wanted to see me suffer and punish me, for what I don't know. It was like he enjoyed hurting me and knowing that he had someone and I didn't. It just makes me sick. I keep having nightmares about it. I have never in my life met a person who was so evil, and what I DON'T get is out of all the wonderful people in the world, why is he still walking around hurting people? I don't get it, and I never will. The fact that he is dying of Hepatitis C, has herpes, is infecting many, many women, and still walking around not telling anyone the truth makes me ill. I can't believe that a "loving God" would let this happen. That's where I'm at tonight. I just feel like it's just not right or fair. I'm here alone, and he's with his new girlfriend, probably getting high and not caring a bit about what happens to me, and I loved him so much. Oh well, I feel better now (hahahahaha).

Kathryann · Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 72

Through all this, I have NOT had the desire to contact him, which is a miracle. Thanks to you guys.

Kathryann

Cookie1 · Guest

Hi Kathy

Give yourself a pat on the back for me ok Question

Your doin wonderfull....he still can't LOVE....but you can.....keep up the good work Laughing

sweetcaroline51 · Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 529 Location: Canada

hi Kathryn,
I think what you are feeling is totally normal. I still fluctuate between loving and hating my ex P-being jealous and then being glad that I am rid of him-it is such a merry go round but it is something that we have to do.I am moving closer and closer to indifference after 18 months of no contact but for one reason or another, he is in my thoughts each and every day-still. Stay strong. Caroline
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Caroline

Nomosettl · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 11

"I just feel like it's just not right or fair. I'm here alone, and he's with his new girlfriend, probably getting high and not caring a bit about what happens to me, and I loved him so much."

Kathryann,
Would you rather have that lying, disease-infested maniac sitting in your living room or bedroom telling you the same old lies? Think about that other woman who may also love him so much and he is going to reward her with a big ole dose of herpes, if he hasn't already. What a lovely thought. ....not.... How can he care about you if he can't care about himself? It's not in him.

Kathryann · Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 72

Thanks everyone. I can't tell you how much I've appreciated all this help. I haven't been able to find ANYONE that understands how horrible this healing is, and how badly I feel about all of this. It's given me great insight into his mind, I needed that for a long time. I got up this morning and was thinking about the last time that I saw him, and he went from calling every member of my family worrying about me, to abandoning and discarding me within a week (again). It is just so confusing when you don't know what you're dealing with, at least I have some tools to work with like NC. Even though it's one of the hardest things I've ever done, it does work. It's given me time to try to process some of the insanity that went on. It's painful to realize that the person that you love lies about everything to everyone for personal gain, I just guess I can't understand that line of thinking, and once again, I'm not like him. Yes, I am grateful that he isn't lying around on my new couch, using my heat and lights and food, contributing nothing, and sucking the life out of me. There was always a reason he didn't have money, couldn't help out. I can't imagine who he's with now that would put up with that, looking from this side of the problem, I did it because he was my husband, and I had very low self-esteem to begin with. Sometimes, and I don't know about anyone else, I feel so sick I want to throw up. It's a confusing mess, but thanks to this site, I do understand a little more and can't figure it out, because I'm NOT like him. It's almost inhuman the way that these guys treat people, and it's insane that I believed him. What was I thinking?

Kathryann

Nomosettl · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 11

Kathryann,
What were you thinking? The same thing we all thought....that we could trust him and when you realized you couldn't trust him, you probably thought he could/would change and get better. .....all very, very normal thinking for normal people. Trouble is that you didn't realize that HE was not normal and never would or could be.

If it's any consolation, I supported/enabled my alcoholic XP for 18 months. I thought since he said he loved me so much that he would eventually rise up and go to work. Well, it never happened and I ended up using up all my spare resources, maxed out the credit cards and used up my savings plus a small insurance policy from my mother's death. He never batted an eye over using me. If I had not gotten rid of him, he would have put me in bankrupty. As it was, he came really, really close. I have never supported a man in my life, not even temporarily. I hated it but I put up with it and I have no idea why. I think I became another person while I was with him or IN ORDER TO be with him. I was most definitely not in my right mind. I wasn't thinking period!

That's okay. He did not destroy me. I'm still here and better than I was before I met P, and I feel like I got an education that money cannot buy. I could not have learned any of this without going through the experience. I feel like I am safer now because I am more knowledgeable about who is out in the world, unlike millions of other women out there who are in a state of ignorance like I was in the beginning. I got an education up close and personal about alcoholism, ex-convicts and psychopaths/sociopaths, so I really covered some major bases and still survived.

I just thank God that my XP is out in the world and not in my house. I don't even really feel sorry for his new victims any more. I can't save the world and everybody has to grow up like I did. Nobody would believe me if I told them, anyway.

I'm so glad you got rid of your P and so glad you have joined this forum. I do not consider all of us to be victims. We are an "elite" group of survivors who are privvy to some very valuable information. We have all been through our own personal Desert Storm and emerged victorious!! I'd say that's grounds for a celebration!

stillsmilen · Joined: 10 Feb 2007 Posts: 355

Hey Kathy

I feel so bad for you, only 3 months NC is still really rough. I remember at 3 months I was still trying to wrap my head around the fact that the man I loved so much, had been lying to me and playing me all along.

Coming to the many painful realizations is without a doubt one of the most hurtful things we will ever experience in our lives.

Stay strong hon, it will get better!!

Nomosettl... You are so right we are not victims (well we WERE)
But WE ARE SURVIVORS!!!!!

Cool

stillsmilen

stellarwnd · Joined: 22 Feb 2007 Posts: 104 Location: California

After 8 months of no contact other than court, I still go back and forth as to whether he is evil or sick. I have left him over a year ago and the debate lives on in my brain. I still want to pick up the phone and yell at him, but cannot.

When do we move on from this?

Stellar

Lukky · Joined: 11 Feb 2007 Posts: 2407

Hey Stella..... I think everyone moves on at a different pace and none of it can be rushed....... Sometimes I think to myself,,,Hey! I think I am nearly there and bang the next day I feel like crap again.....!!! And I am only nearly four months of NC......so going on what everyone says on here it isnt a fast ride,,, but atleast its a forward one.....

Its all just part of it and now I try to accept the fact that the bad days get less and less and on those bad days I try to focus on the good days to come......

But Hey arnt you doing so well not picking up that phone..... that is fantastic girl... you need to feel really proud of yourself about that...

And Kathy I hope you doing better today... I know things have pretty pretty rough for you lately and just know that we are all here ok... I think your doing great... Smile

_________________
'The Best reaction is no reaction'

Cookie1 · Guest

Kathy...You say he went from going to every member of your family worrying about you to complete abandon of you...Kath...THIS IS THE MASK! This is how he was trying to involve your family....his way of having them think"Is there something wrong with Kathy"...his way of planting doubt in their minds about YOU.....It's all part of the MASK Embarassed

rachelsbarry · Joined: 28 Feb 2007 Posts: 3

Kathryann,
Wait a minute did I write that? What you described is eerily familiar to me, everything about it... I was also victim # 2 of 3 (he dumped me for # 3, of course). And I totally know the feeling of sitting at home resenting the heck out of him, knowing that he's just a mile down the road, having a grand old time getting messed up with his new girlfriend. What's different about me is that I've had 13 months distance from the nightmare while you've only had 3. For the longest time, recovery seemed distant. I worried that I might never stop obsessing over the horror that I'd been subjected to. i just kept replaying it all over and over in my head, as if there was one part or one piece that I just hadn't figured out yet. I constantly felt like I was on the brink of some revelation, some insight that would finally give me personal resolve. Well, that never happened, aside from my discovery of narcissism/psychopathy (the best explanation I ever got, though too unsettling to offer total relief). However, time does heal all wounds, not that I'm 100% over it yet, but things definitely have been on the up and up ever since I got free. Basically, the idea (appearance) that the narcissist has it all is almost always prooven false in the end. I assumed that my N was having the time of his life with his "new girl," but that turned out to be far from the case. She ended up dumping him after just a few months. Then, he started trying to get in contact with me again (of course), but I refused to respond, not even with a text message telling him to "bleep off." I admit that I definitely fantasized about different ways that I would have loved to respond, but I'm proud to report that i kept my mouth shut. There were simply no words that could ever make him understand how he'd made me feel. My silence was the loudest statement that I could ever make to him and i knew this to my very core. In the end, it turned out that he simply could not bear to be alone. His pathetic attempts to reconquer either one of us (either girl #2 or girl #3 would have done - didn't matter to him which b*tch) proved futile and, after only a few months, he hung himself. So, despite how destructive we was to others, in the end, he was far most destructive to himself, being that he completely destroyed himself altogether. His suicide altered and simplified my view of malignant narcissism. Basically, mean people enjoy hurting others because their own pain is so unbearable that shovelling it onto others brings them temporary relief. However, it almost always catches up with them. Although Ns are characterized as "remorseless," in no way does that mean that their evil doesn't come back to haunt them. It pretty much always does, in some way or another. Considering the way that energy flows in the universe and the balance of good vs. evil, such would have to the case....

sag07 · Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 537 Location: Elgin, IL

ljleedom · Joined: 20 Feb 2007 Posts: 58 Location: Connecticut

Kathryann,

You do have a life! When ever you find yourself thinking negative thoughts, stop yourself. Come up with a list of positive thoughts/messages to replace the negative ones with. Then each time you find yourself saying something negative, replace the negative with your list. If you do this everytime your mood will get better and your level of stress will go down.

Confused

_________________
LJL
ljleedom@aol.com