Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

GingerMom · Joined: 26 Jul 2007 Posts: 14

I wrote before about my new stepson, a 17 yo whom I believe to be a narcissist. Since then, there has been more of the same.

The latest incidents occurred while his father was away on business, again. SS17 defied me openly over already established and agreed upon rules, skipped school, and lied to his father. I attempted to discipline him by grounding him from his cell phone and from driving the car, but this only served to make him angrier and more defiant. (He's too good to ride the school bus) He even threatened me physically, although he did not follow through on that threat.

His father, via telephone, arranged for his d21 to take ss17 to ss22's house. He is now living with ss22, back in their old hometown. He has his cell phone back, sd21 has given him a car to drive, and he is away from parents. He has won.

I feel like a failure because I was unable to reach this child. When did cars and cellphones and computers become entitlements? When did respect for parents go out the window?

wahela · Joined: 18 May 2007 Posts: 188 Location: Iowa

The problem isn't with society, it isn't with you, its with the ss and the family around him making excuses, helping him to be happy (instead of learning responsibility and discipline), and he will go on doing the same things. Essentially, yes, he has won. Because he has a dysfunctional family surrounding him and helping him to never accept responsibility for the things he did.

That's them, and you are here. You are not responsible for him at all. His father, his siblings, etc. are responsible. You are responsible for your own self and your partner. What will happen when your DH comes home? Is the SS going to move back in with you all? Then it will happen over and over again.

You know, this child, even if not an N, is going to have a big shock when he goes out into the big cruel world. And he won't understand why nobody is backing him up. You cannot change how his dysfunctional family is. You can only take care of yourself. Your concern now is discovering why someone you live with (DH) has such a dysfunctional group of children. The apple doesn't fall too far from the tree. How come your DH hasn't intervened?

Just my .02.

wahela
_________________
"Expect to have hope rekindled. Expect your prayers to be answered in wonderous ways. The dry seasons of life do not last. The spring rains will come again."
-Sara BanBreathnach

GingerMom · Joined: 26 Jul 2007 Posts: 14

We've only been married since mid-May. DH gives lip service to backing me up, but somehow it doesn't seem to work out.

Background: DH's first wife left him when s17 was a year old, and moved far enough away to make it difficult for DH to see the children very often. He gained custody (mom was/is unfit) when s17 was 7. The mother had no rules, no boundaries, and actively undermined DH's authority by telling the children they didn't have to put up with Dad's rules. In addition, she lived with alcoholic, abusive men, exposing the children to domestic violence. She has since moved back so she is closer to her children.

Now, s17 has his older sister and his mother coddling him, enabling him. DH can't control what they do, and they don't check with DH before giving/helping s17 with things. They know how he is, but they don't see their own contribution.

wahela · Joined: 18 May 2007 Posts: 188 Location: Iowa

I can see where both parents probably have parental guilt, and both want to be "In charge" of the situation, and hoping that giving him what he wants will make him love them more. There is always parental guilt with divorce, custody, etc.

It doesn't help SS, and even if he's not an N, he's going to be in for a big surprise when he gets out in the cold cruel world.

Your DH needs to step up to the plate. Its not your problem, its his, and since it is not your problem, it does not need to be a problem in your house. In your situation, I would detach completely from this 17 year old bad guy, and allow your DH to parent without ruining your day. You can come and go, and he can deal with his problems. He can certainly discuss his problems with you, but ultimately, it is HIS problem.

Remember my favorite motto: "Not my kid, not my problem."

wahela
_________________
"Expect to have hope rekindled. Expect your prayers to be answered in wonderous ways. The dry seasons of life do not last. The spring rains will come again."
-Sara BanBreathnach

OxDrover · Joined: 13 May 2007 Posts: 1465 Location: Arkansas USA

Wahela,

When was the last time that someone told you how WISE YOU ARE?! Well, consider that you have been told how wise you are by me!

I agree 100% with Wahela, dear, that child is NOT your problem. I might also add that if you try to make it your problem the drama will get hip deep in a few days and become the battle royale and the danse macbe.

If the SS comes back to live with you and H, I am afraid I would have to also suggest that some strict boundaries be made abour YOUR safety with this kid.

God bless and good luck!
_________________
Life is lived forward, but understood backwards.

GingerMom · Joined: 26 Jul 2007 Posts: 14

SS17 won't be coming back to live with us, DH has decreed.

I agree, it is DH's problem to deal with, not mine. Unfortunately, he wasn't here when this happened, and wasn't due back for five days. SS17 had given his word that he would behave, because he wanted to stay with us instead of his mother.

The last time something like this happened, I told DH that if ss17 wouldn't behave while he was gone, he needed to make other arrangements for ss17 while he was away on business. Because the mother lives in another state, it isn't practical for ss17 to stay with her during school days.
Perhaps I shouldn't have tried to handle the situation myself, but I'm not about to be run over by a teenager in my own home. I've seen how ss17 treats his mother, and I wasn't going to let that happen to me as well.

I worry about ss17's future, but I have withdrawn myself from the situation.

OxDrover · Joined: 13 May 2007 Posts: 1465 Location: Arkansas USA

Dear Gingermom,

I can't say as I blame you about not wanting to be treated like that in your own home, unfortunately, sometimes they can be violent (you mentioned you thought he might try to hurt you).

It sounds like the situation is at least solved as far as hubby getting the kid out of your home. I absolutely agree with that, as you should not have to live in an "armed camp" and defend yourself from someone who lives under your own roof. That is certainlly a start for sure, and with you disengaging, that should take the worst of it off your back. I have doubt though that SS17 has "done" causing trouble for both sides of his family, or that it may impact upon you at least to some extent.

Good luck to you and my prayers are for you. When my husband and I married it was MY 17 yr old son that was the problem. Fortunately, we were a "team" and my son did not wreck our relationship--we didn't toss him out (should have though, but hind sight is always 20:20) I wish you the best of happiness in your new marriage. Hang in there! Sounds like you have a good head!
_________________
Life is lived forward, but understood backwards.

wahela · Joined: 18 May 2007 Posts: 188 Location: Iowa

You know, seriously entitled people like to "push the envelope" a bit more every time. And even if he had a place to stay while DH was out of town, he could well begin to push it when DH is at work, at the store, in the backyard. Even if he's not an N, and merely a selfish self absorbed, entitled teenager (who, hopefully will grow up sometime between now and fifty), or never.

But things have a way of escalating. So I am glad to hear that your DH decided to move forward on this, probably knowing that it "can" get worse.

He will still be a problem, and at some point, you may resent all of the time spent on this ungenerous, spoiled teen, but you can at least go shopping and take care of yourself while your DH is taking care of his problem. Because I betcha he's going to take a lot of time and trouble.

Smart? Ox, me? Nah. Just been through the wringer, the mill and the hip deep shite.

Laughing

wahela
_________________
"Expect to have hope rekindled. Expect your prayers to be answered in wonderous ways. The dry seasons of life do not last. The spring rains will come again."
-Sara BanBreathnach

GingerMom · Joined: 26 Jul 2007 Posts: 14

I think it is safe to predict that there will be trouble between the brothers when the new wears off these arrangements, and they will likely come to blows. SS17 has always looked up to SS22, but doesn't like to answer to anyone.

And y'all are right about him "pushing the envelope." He does this constantly.

I appreciate the feedback. I've been feeling a bit like the wicked stepmonster because I couldn't seem to get through to this kid, and he was constantly complaining about how unfair his life is, how we treat him like a child, etc.

OxDrover · Joined: 13 May 2007 Posts: 1465 Location: Arkansas USA

Gingermom,

Yes, that is what "they" DO and do SO WELL--put all the blame on YOU for THEIR behavior--"I wouldn't be this way if you didn't treat me like a child" bla blah blah {PUKE} A small amount of this is "normal" teenaged behavior but not threats, etc. No way to tell if he will out grow it or not, one of THE most OBNOXIOUS teenagers I ever knew grew up to be the BEST sweetest most understanding man, but when he was 15 (lived next door to me) I swear I wanted to find a way to "kill him and hide the body!") LOL I imagine the parents of most normal teens have felt this way too. But as long as YOU realize you were "setting appropriate boundaries" it doesn't matter a whit what HE thinks of you. He will either grow to hate and blame you every time he goes to jail, or he will THANK you later for setting appropriate boundaries. Neither of which you have any control over.

I can't believe what appropriate boundaries I set for my kids when they were small; reasonable, consistent, predictable. Then when the P-son started his "thing" in the teenaged years I let it all slide--to my own detriment. I was a "great" parent to them until they reached the teenaged years (that was the easy part I guess) and when it got to there I fell apart, let the bondaries go. In 20:20 hindsight (which is always wonderful) LOL I would set even stronger boundaries and enforce them.

I guess my "smarts" comes from doing it all wrong when I was in the trenches! So don't do what I DID--take your cue from what we SHOULD have done! LOL Wahela got "smart" before I did and went NC with the Ps.
_________________
Life is lived forward, but understood backwards.

wahela · Joined: 18 May 2007 Posts: 188 Location: Iowa

I did know a guy (in his late 30s) who, at 29 went to his stepfather and thanked him for helping him to grow up. This guy kept telling me all the time that while they don't thank me now, they will when they get older. (which I really doubt). And Lordy I don't want them to come find me to thank me. LOL.

He said that he appreciated his stepfather as he grew up himself. Of course, this guy said this after spending four years in prison for burglaries. So I don't know if I can believe him or not.

I think that males grow up slower than we think. Some of them are grown up in their early twenties, but a bigger portion grow up in their late 20s and early 30s. So this guy MAY (notice I said MAY), thank you and DH for your care and concern, but I wouldn't hold my breath.

I had a friend a few years ago, whose son always showed up and moved in after he'd get evicted from his apt. (he was a nice kid, but clashed with his stepfather). They finally told him he could not stay there. He got several jobs, saved his money and swore he'd never be homeless again. And he grew up (doesn't mean they all will).

I don't want SDs to thank me. I just hope I never see them on the nationwide news. Because that is highly possible. When I see headlines "woman drowns child", I sweat until I read it. Because both SDs are "drowners".

Kids grow up, and they go on their own path in life. We can only provide the basic outline, and as a Stepmother, you do not have much say in how that child is raised. So "not my kid, not my problem."

wahela
_________________
"Expect to have hope rekindled. Expect your prayers to be answered in wonderous ways. The dry seasons of life do not last. The spring rains will come again."
-Sara BanBreathnach

GingerMom · Joined: 26 Jul 2007 Posts: 14

I am no stranger to the world of teenaged boys. I raised two of my own, and they are now in their 30s with kids of their own. Neither has been in jail, ever. And neither would have dared talk to me the way ss17 has.

I do feel that the boundaries we tried to set for ss17 are age appropriate and fair, but probably a bit more lax than I had for my sons at that age. Yet, because my sons obeyed (mostly), I never even had to set a curfew for them.

SS17 can never see the relationship between his misbehavior and the consequences, because he refuses to accept that he can do anything wrong.

And Wahela, I'm practicing my new mantra, "not my kid, not my problem." Wink