Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

SIMMONS6 · Joined: 11 Sep 2007 Posts: 5 Location: Southern CA

Hi, I've been married two years and have three step daughters. They are 3, 5 and 6. My husband and I have sole custody and there mother has one hour a week supervised visits. They were removed from her two years ago by CPS for neglect and for letting her then husband abuse them. She has seen them 4 times in the last year and a half. My 5 year old has been diagnosed with Conduct Disorder with Impulse Disorder and is currently on anti-psycotic medication and is doing GREAT. My 6 year old however is a whole different story. She's a compulsive liar, constantly manipulates, is emotionally abusive to her sisters, she steals (we've had to put locks on all the doors of all the rooms that we don't want her in), she has no remorse or empathy, she only has feelings for herself, she thinks she's the most beautiful person in the world (we can't get her away from the mirror or anything with a reflection), she has told me she's perfect, she's had trouble in school, the list goes on. She likes negative attention. She's likes for people to feel sorry for her. She constantly plays the victim and is a complete drama queen. On that note I should tell you that the socail worker has now said that there was no evidence of physical abuse found in the case that there was only neglect. Our girls mother is a drug addict and has been called a psychopath herself by her family, law enforcement etc. The physical abuse accusation came from our 6 year old that now says she never said she was abused. Anyhow, the kids needed to be removed from the mother anyway. The only thing that worries me about that is if she was lying about being abused to get attention, there's a guy out there who went to jail and has a permanent record because of it. She has been in therapy and has seen a psychatrist. Both the therapist and the psychatrist think that I am the problem. That I'm just a resentful step parent. They say she is just 6 and that my expectations are to high. Is all that I have asked from her is that she treat her sisters "decently", being nice to them I know would be asking to much, and to not steal and write on the walls, sheets, doors etc. The social worker two years ago warned me that she would not change and offered to place her with other family. I told her no, that I wanted to do everything I could for her and get her the help she needs. And that I didn't want to seperate her from her sisters. Two black eyes a bloody nose and scratches all over me later I realised that I should have listened to the social worker. In her defence she isn't violent towards me anymore. She's just more manipulative. She attacks stealth like now. Me and my husband have discussed divorce because I can't handle her behavior. He was in denial for a long time. He didn't want to believe his daughter could be so vicious and mean. He thought it was just her acting out because I'm not her "mother" and that I was exaggerating what she did to her sisters. She would be so sweet and nice when he got home from work and he wouldn't pay attention to what she was doing right in front of him. She's very subtle in what she does. Now, the longer they've lived with us the more she's relaxed in front of him and she's let her "true self" out in front of him. And now he sees what she does and how she is. We also fianlly found a new therapist that is willing to hear me and us and sees what she's doing. However, she will not diagnose her with anything. Which is fine I guess, as long as she gets help. Our family is in crisis. My other two daughters don't want anything to do with her because she's so mean. My 17 year old son wants to move out because he can't stand her or the chaos in our home. I use the word "home" loosley. It's more like a prison ward. We're all prisoners in our home because of the behavior of one. I still keep in contact with the social worker even though the case is closed. She's a huge comfort to me and is the only one that would listen or more importatnly hear me. I still find it hard to believe that a 6 year old can be this way. I have felt alone for so long in this. Sometimes I think that maybe I'm being to harsh on her or that I'm being unfair. Then she does what she does and I feel stupid for feeling bad for her. I'm so all over the place on how I feel at this point. Is it really possible for a 6 year old to be like this and control an entire family? We just started therapy with the new therapist so we'll see what she can do. At this point it's a relief that she is willing to listen and see that there's a problem.

wahela · Joined: 18 May 2007 Posts: 188 Location: Iowa

Hey, I lived your life for 9 years. I can so relate to what you are saying.

If I had a nickel for everytime a school therapist said "there's nothing wrong with these kids. They have a stepmother problem." I'd be rich.

I helped raise 2 P (diagnosed) stepdaughters since they were 4 and 6. The damage is unreal. When they are young enough that you can pick them up and remove them to their bedroom its almost acceptable, but when they get big enough you cannot carry them down the hall, it becomes horrendous. The youngest would beat on the windows of her room, cracking them, screaming "Help call the Police! They are making me stay in my room!!!" etc. Taking the phones apart, breaking windows, drowning baby chicks, trying to drown my dog (they both have this drowning idea), attacking her kindergarten teacher, beating a puppy to death with a golf club at 4 years old, it goes on and on. And that is just one of the two.

Wait til puberty. Females have a built in sex advantage. The oldest, at 13 was giving oral sex to all the boys in school for money. And what's worse, the school found the list she kept, rating all of them by size and money!

They were in therapy for 7 years. And nothing worked, nothing ever changed. And their Father was/is an undiagnosed NP, so the lies he told about how wonderful he was as a parent, the things they lived through growing up (him throwing them outside on CHristmas Day because they didn't buy him a nice enough present, so he threw them both out with their clothes and called their absentee mother to come get them. Then cried for two days until they came back, using it all as an excuse to stay drunk because he was so sad and sorrowful). But it was still their fault, never his.

This is a big trigger for me. I moved 1000 miles away from them all. I fully expect to see them on the nationwide news. I know how terrible it is. All I can suggest is a major amount of therapy for all of you. And for you especially, because if the father is not accepting truth in the whole relationship, it is doomed to failure. I thought the exNP drank too much because of the terrible relationship with his children (who were supposedly RAD children because of their mother's abandonment). Instead, I found out they inherited whatever from him, and being raised exclusively by him. And he is a classic NP. But I didn't see that until after I left.

Being a stepmother is a tremendously difficult job. I will never again get involved with a man with children at home. And I will even think twice about becoming involved with a man whose children don't get along with me. Due to all of the major problems involved in my past marriage.

Good luck. I am sorry that I don't have any helpful hints or anything that will help you. Its rough enough being a stepmother to "so called normal" children. Maintain boundaries around yourself. Do not let them intrude on your boundaries. Don't allow everything in the house to be "his way". Maintain your status as an adult in the house and don't let all of them have it their way. Its your house too.

wahela
_________________
"Expect to have hope rekindled. Expect your prayers to be answered in wonderous ways. The dry seasons of life do not last. The spring rains will come again."
-Sara BanBreathnach

SIMMONS6 · Joined: 11 Sep 2007 Posts: 5 Location: Southern CA

Thanks Wahela. I've read some of your other posts. I totally feel for you. At least you're out of that situation now. I can imagine how free you feel. My 5 year old, the one with CD with Impulse Control Disorder, she used to be violent bad. At 3 1/2 she threw my cat off the balcony, shoved a pencil down my dogs throat, attempted to garrot her then 2 yr. old sister and at 4 she choked me. She would punch and kick her sisters for now reason, she'd kick the dogs in the face as she walked by, those kinds of things. About 5 months ago they put her on Risperdyl and she's completely normal now. She's a total joy. It's amazing what a different child she is. Now my 6 year old, like I said she's 6 and is very sexual already. She's gotten her sister to play "sex" with her. When confronted about it she said her sister said no but she kept asking her adn bugging her until she finally said yes. Her dancing, my god, is all she needs is a pole and she'd be set. She is totally boy crazy to the point that even the boys at school run and hide from her. She's already talking about how she wants to have a baby. At least now my husband is coming around realistaclly. He's starting to see her for the way she is. We've tried and tried to set bounderies on her and it doesn't work. We have just pu tlocks on the doors and keep them locked all the time. The only room she's allowed in is her own and I search it daily. As well as her backpack. She's not even aloud to bring it in the house after school. She loads it up in the morning while I'm getting the ohter two ready for school, so she can't even bring it in now. I love my husband and I love my kids. But my God, how much is one person supposed to take? Legally I'm a step mother. In every other way I'm their Mom. They call me Mom, I quit my job to stay home with them, I do everything for them like they're my own flesh and blood. The only one I have problems iwth is the older one. I had to laugh when you said that yours beat out the window and would yell for someone to call the cops. I tell my husband that it's only a matter of time until the cops are called on us. She screams and runs and yells, no no don't, as if we're killing her or something. Is all the therapist said was to tell the neighbors what's going on and hope they understand. What in the worlde is that? Yeah, I'm going to tell the neighbors I have a crazy psychopath for a daughter and see what they say. They would look at me like everyone else and say " that poor little girl...". The one therapist told me I was inappropriate for saying she emotionally abuses her sisters. She said a 6 year old is incapable of being an abuser. And she flipped when I told her that she's been caught stealling from everyone at home, at school and from stores. She said a 6 year old does not steal with the same intent as an adult would. Yeah, we never took her back to see her again. I'm currently on Prozac myself. It helps I suppose. My husband and I do our best to not let her pit us against eachother. Now that he's seen the light so to speak, he defends my position and we work as a team. And he tells her that all the time. She doesn't care. She'll cry for like a second, then ask when dinner is ready. Her mother is just like that. She's seriously disturbed and has been called a psychopath by law enforcement and anyone who knows her. She done time for attempting to throw acid on her last husband after pinning him in his car with hers. She thought it was funny and that she wished she had killed him. They let her walk with a misdomeaner. My daughter is just like her. The older she gets the more of er you see in her. And it scares me to think what she'll be like as a teen if she's like this at 6. Everyone always says it takes time and she'll be ok. Is all I get is the story line. Then I found this website. And I am so happy that I did. There are alot of people in this situation. And no one candy coats it. I love that. It tells me that it's NOT me, that kids CAN be like this. I'm so tired of hearing about the poor kids. What about the parents and the people who have to raise these kids? It's insane. And no one wants to help. Is all I ever get are excuses. So fine, we know her mother is a psychopath and it looks like she is one too, so now what? What do we do about it? Apperently there's nothing to do about it. At this point I'd like to give her back to her mother and save my marriage and my other two daughters. The more they're around her the more miserable they are. And like you said, right now when there young we can put them in there room. But when they're bigger and older then what? My daughter is very bright and you can see the wheels in her head turning thinking of what she's going to do next. The scary part is I can the look in her eyes when she looks at me when she's mad, and it scares me. Thanks again for the response and for listening to me. I'm sorry for your 9 years of hell. I know God will have a special place in Heaven for you and everyone else out there who has had to raise these kids. I'm like you though, if my marriage doesn't work out I will NEVER be with a man that has kids.... period!! My son is 17 and was a total joy to raise. He still is. Granted he's a teenager, that speaks for itself..... but he's NORMAL and kind. And I now realise how lucky I am to have had such a great experience with him growing up. My step daughters has given me a completely new appreciation for my son and what's normal in life=)

wahela · Joined: 18 May 2007 Posts: 188 Location: Iowa

One of the problems, and something you all need therapy for is the fact that we work so hard to try to keep these children quiet and happy, so they don't explode all the time. So eventually we are sacrificing everything else, so that the NP child is not burning down the house. We try to avoid setting them off. Which gives them more leverage.

The therapists told me "get them to do a lot of exercise." "If she rages at the store, make her walk home, with you following in the car." (yeah, works just fine if she's scared of getting lost, doesn't work if we're near her friend's house).

The youngest P stepdaughter would tell me, "I'm going out with J____." I said "Oh, did he ask you out?" Her answer, "NO, he didn't want to go out with me, so I made him. Told him I'd beat the crap out of him if he didn't."

My concern for your children is the fact that the one is sexualized so young. The oldest stepdaughter was sexualized by 6, her younger sister was not potty trained until she was 13. The therapists said that was from being molested when very young. And we found out they were molested by a teenaged neighbor several times (found this out when she was 16). And I still wonder about their father, drunk all the time with two young children living alone, with this "us against the world" attitude. Before I met him.

The damage gets worse as they get older. Don't sacrifice the rest of the family for the disordered one. And realize that if the disordered one leaves (grows up, goes to a treatment center, etc), sometimes the other child will take over, which is what happened in our house. The difficult one left to live with her Mother (finally , whew!), and the other child turned in to a prostitute for cigarettes and alcohol).

Good luck. Your DH is going to have to realize eventually that he cannot save her, or he is going to sacrifice everything to help her and damage the rest of the family. Without a lot of therapy, there is a lot of guilt in bio parents when children are like this. He has divorce guilt anyway when he looks at his children, and this is on top of that type of guilt.

wahela
_________________
"Expect to have hope rekindled. Expect your prayers to be answered in wonderous ways. The dry seasons of life do not last. The spring rains will come again."
-Sara BanBreathnach

OxDrover · Joined: 13 May 2007 Posts: 1465 Location: Arkansas USA

Dear Simmons,

I raised one P son and one ADHD but otherwise "normal" son--there were times I realized that I was "sacrificing" one son for the other---that trying to "help" one was allowing the other to be abused.

It is difficult to "make choices" between your kids--but sometimes it comes down to the point that you are like you are in a "life boat" situation, you cannot ALL stay in this lifeboat and survive---at some point, the one that is chopping a hole in the bottom of the boat has to "go" for the safety of everyone else. That is a tough decision, and frankly you may not get a lot of support from the social workers, child custody people, etc.

There are in the US at least, "institutions" for these children that cannot be safely managed at home---and I have worked in some of them. Even at an early age some of these children are so dangerous you don't dare go to sleep at night because they might set the house on fire and burn it down on your head.

First, I congratulate you for taking on this horrible responsibility. The "but" part is that in spite of all you can do, you may not be able to 'save" this child and at some point she may have to go live elsewhere for her safety and for the safety of the rest of your children and you and your husband. None of them will benefit if you and he divorce.

My prayers are for you my dear, and believe me, I have been thre, not as a STEP parent, but as the PARENT. Looking back now, I would have "abandoned ship" a lot quicker than I did. There are just some children that cannot be "rescued" no matter how hard you try to row the boat, they just keep chopping holes in the bottom. I hope I am not sounding too negative, but YOU DID NOT CAUSE THIS PROBLEM, and it may not be in your power to "fix" it--just keep that in mind, it doesn't mean you "failed" if it can't be fixed...it means you tried to do a task that was impossible. Just do whatever is in the best interest of yourself (first) the other kids (second) and your marriage as well. (((Hugs)))) to you, dear, you are an angel for taking on this problem.
_________________
Life is lived forward, but understood backwards.

SIMMONS6 · Joined: 11 Sep 2007 Posts: 5 Location: Southern CA

I really appreciate all of the input and support I've been getting here. The one thing I'm confused about is my daughters lack of violence. She doesn't have any violence anymore. She used to have violent tantrums where she would hit, scratch, and kick. That's how I ended up with the bloody nose, black eye etc. That suddenly stopped out of no where. What she is worst at is manipulation and emotional abuse. She has a total disregard for authority or rules of any kind. We have set rules and guideline in our home and she doesn't care. She does whatever she wants to regardless of what we say or do. Her big thing is "I forgot". I'm like, "you forgot your not supposed to pull the chair out from under your sister or take a marker to the dresser, sheets and closet doors?" I thank God she's not violent. She's just a master manipulater and con artist. Every morning at school she says and does things in front of people knowing that we're in public and I can't do a whole lot. So now, we sit in the car until the bell rings. She says and does inappropriate things in public with total disregard for what people will think. She loves to say things that imply I'm mean or a bad parent. And when we go to put her in time out (time out is a joke) she runs from us screaming "no, no... " and she shakes and cowers like we're going to beat her or something. Or she'll yell, "please don't hurt me again". What in the world. We have NEVER hurt her in any way. She thrives on people feeling sorry for her. She plays a great victim. I'm just waiting for the day CPS comes knocking on our door. And she IS taking this family down with her. And my husband, even though he sees the way she is, he's still thinks there's hope for her and that someday something we do will work. He told me today that he will never give up on her. I gave him one year. I told him that if things didn't change for the better by September of next year I was leaving. And I will fight for custody of my other two daughters. I can't sit here and watch her destroy her sisters or this family. So since they're technically my step kids, I can always walk away. It would kill me because I love my husband and my other two daughters. I can't even say I love her anymore. How sad is that? But I will fight for custody of the other two. He said he will never let me have them. What a mess. And she walks around happy as can be. We do our best to at least look happy so she doesn't have the satisfaction of knowing the extent of her destruction. It's hard though.

wahela · Joined: 18 May 2007 Posts: 188 Location: Iowa

They are very manipulative. The oldest stepdaughter used to get friendly with neighbor women, and God only knows the stories she told them. The neighbors would glare at me when I got in the car. For a week or two, the oldest stepdaughter would practically live in their home. Then all of a sudden, she'd get in some kind of fight with the neighbor woman and befriend another woman. The first neighbor woman would come to me and apologize for what she thought of me. they thought this poor girl, being raised by a mean stepmother, hearing a horrible story. They were always the victim, everybody's fault but theirs. If they tried to drown our dog, I was the meanie that wouldn't let them play with the neighbor's puppy. There was never cause and effect. They did something, I disciplined or talked to them about it, and of course, it was my fault that they couldn't do something.

The oldest P stepdaughter got mad during therapy once, (the therapist came to the house), so she went down the hall to her room, and the therapist went behind her, and found her bruising her arms. The next day, the stepdaughter went to school and turned me in to the school district for abuse. Luckily the therapist backed me up, and nothing happened. But I am a nurse, and a domestic violence report could ruin my career. So, I walked down the hall, disconnected her DSL on her computer and said, "I may not have many options, but I do have this one." The stepdaughter, of course, decided I was such a mean "stepmonster" because I unhooked her DSL.
their favorite answer to "why did you do this?" was "I don't know." They would get into the power box in their closet and turn off the lights around the dryer, because the dryer was making too much noise (down the hall around the corner) and they couldn't sleep, when they were 7 and 9. One of them took the phone apart so the school couldn't get hold of me about why they were suspended. (and they hid out burglarizing homes instead of being in school for those three days). I wouldn't let the oldest's bf come over because he had an ankle bracelet on for burglary. What I didn't know is the youngest stepdaughter had talked him into it, and let him take the blame when the cops showed up (she was 11).

The youngest stepdaughter tried to beat up her kindergarten teacher. I used to sarcastically comment, "the youngest child in the school district to be suspended." If she wasn't respectful of authority in kindergarten, what's she going to be like at 20?

They are all 1000 miles away from me now. They can blame what they want on me, they can tell everybody that it was all my fault. But I've been away for over 4 years now, and I'm definitely not going back to that city. So let them blame it all on me. I do not care.

wahela
_________________
"Expect to have hope rekindled. Expect your prayers to be answered in wonderous ways. The dry seasons of life do not last. The spring rains will come again."
-Sara BanBreathnach

OxDrover · Joined: 13 May 2007 Posts: 1465 Location: Arkansas USA

Dear Simmons,

I know it must have been very difficult for you to set a boundary for your Husband.

I remember that I felt like when I was doing what one soon needed (C, my ADHD son) that I felt I was neglecting the other one, then when the P-son started stressing the family, I felt like I was not taking care of the first one. Many times in order to meet the needs of the salvagable kid, the unsalvagable one has to be "let go."

There are institutions for N and P kids here in US I am not sure about other countries (though the kids are not called that until after age 1 Cool

and if she meets the diagnosis criteriaa from a professional (and from your descripition I would bet she does, though no one on this board can make a long distance "diagnosis") that might be the solution to your problem and to your husband's not wanting to "give up" on her. She might be placed there which would get her out of your home and give the other kids and you some relief, and there would be "therapy" for her (won't fix her but at least she's out of your hair) so your husband wouldn't worry about giving up on her, and maybe he would begin to see that she can't be "fixed"---

You have my continual prayers, and admiration for taking on such a project and I hope that you stay strong and can protect the other two girls from their sister. It is a big job, and you are an angel for even attempting it! God bless you!
_________________
Life is lived forward, but understood backwards.

SIMMONS6 · Joined: 11 Sep 2007 Posts: 5 Location: Southern CA

Well, we had yet another therapy appointment yesterday. The therapist thinks that maybe she needs "socializing". Like a puppy I guess. She said they have these classes for ADHD kids, she's not ADHD, to help them learn how to be appropriate in a public setting. I was like.... you've got to be kidding me right? Socializing?? I was talking to my Mom and she thought that maybe they want to observe her with other people to see what she does. Who knows. And the therapist is going to talk to the phsyciatrist to get her take on things. Yeah, the phsyciatrist that thinks she's just being 6 and that I'm a resentful step parent. I also talked to the girls P bio mom today. That was a joy as always. And of course it's my fault she doesn't see the kids. It's my fault that she doesn't have her life together and is unable to care for her kids. I'm so tired of hearing that. We're in the process of having her Parental Rights terminated. We go to court again in Oct. I was thinking, although my husband would never agree to it, that we should offer her a deal. That we would give her our problem child if she would sign over the other two. She only has ever really wanted to see the problem child anyway. Probably because they're just alike. Wouldn't that solve all of our problems? I would be beyond happy. My husband won't do it though. I had no idea that they had institutions for kids with N and P. My God, can you imagine working there? I can't even handle one, let alone a whole facilty full of them=) I would think she would have to be really bad to get into one of those places. And as bad as I think she is she's not as bad as some of the others. At least not yet though. She is only 6. Give her a couple of years=) Where do you find these kind of institutions? I've never heard of anything like that. Only for disabled kids and things like that. Or a mental ward, which is were I'll be in a few years. I would love to research this. That way I can be prepared in the future. Wahela, where are your stepkids? I know there far from you.... lucky. Are they with their Dad? See, we have no where to send her. Her mother is worse than she is and that's where my daughter gets it I'm sure. So we can't send her there because my husband won't. And I would never subject anyone in MY family to her. And no one else in my husbands family will take her either. It's weird, today she's being good. Why can't she be like this more often? Because she's being good TODAY, it's days like this that I feel guilty for not loving her or for thinking evil things about her. Now tomorrow or even later this evening she'll be back to her normal evil self and I feel stupid for feeling guilty. I go around and around like this all the time. It's not very often that she's good, so at least I don't have to feel guilty to often. Howdver, when she's good my husband gets all mushy and then he gets defensive of her. He gets all excited like maybe this is the beginning of a new her. And although I feel guilty when she's good I'm not stupid. I know it's just a matter of time when she switches back. So I just enjoy the few hours of peace our family gets. It really is to bad. Because when she's good, she is actually fun to be with. Unfortunatly it's just the calm before the storm.

OxDrover · Joined: 13 May 2007 Posts: 1465 Location: Arkansas USA

Dear Simmons,

Well, I worked in a private instutiion (classified as a mental hospital) and we out-placed some of the kids that had been in and out, in and out, usually by the time they were starting to burn their parents' houses down.

There are some expensive private ones, but also some state run ones. They are mental hospitals (whatever the label on the front is) they take kids that there is NO controlling that have a mental health label.

After age 18, these same kids wind up in jail/prison or are in-out of prison and jail. In arkansas you file a petition called a FINS petition. You contact DHS (department of human services) and you file the FINS (families in need of services) petition and basicly you go before the court and say "I can't handle this kid, your honor. and here is why......" The social service folks testify that you have tried everthing in the book, the school resource officer (cop) testifies that they have set the school on fire x number of times, etc. then the court sends them away for some period of time and it is then reassessed if they can go home---they will try to get you to take them back and so the danse macbe goes on.

I had one borderline patient (16) in an outpatient clinic who BIT her mother so badly I actualy had to sew up the wounds and generally you don't sew up a human bite because it is so nasty. I couldn'tget any help, and ended up callilng the judge at home and threatening to be on TV screaming his name if he didnt' do something to help. Social workers told the mom that if she "abandoned" the girl home alone that SHE would be arrested for "chihld endangerment"--- It was winter and I advised the mother to sleep in her car during the night with the windows and doors locked---and the next day I got in touch with the judge and the child was removed from the home permanently.

The problem is that the "system" is so backlogged with needy kids and families, and so understaffed, and the staff are generally burned out and overworked---too many problems and too little in the way of resources, so I have found that being the "squeeky wheel" and learning the ROPES of the system is about all you can do, and BE PERSISTENT. I know that again doesn't sound real positive, but if you start finding out what is available in your state and area and find out what you can do to "go to the head of the line" maybe you can get some help, that I think you badly need.

Call one of the local mental health hospitals (a private one) and ask to speak to the case manager, tell her what y9our problem is and ask her/him what things are available. If you don't get help at that hospital, go to the next one in

Find out if there is a Title 9 community mental health program around, outpatient clinic for chronicly mentally ill in your community, and ask to speak to one of the social workers. Ask advice from each of these people. They are the ones that "know the system"

There is also "Theraputic foster care" which is where a FINS petition h as been filed, the kid is out of the home and put into a foster home specially designed for kids like this---the people who work for them are SAINTS.

There are also places in Arkansas at least that are essential "orphans" homes, or they started out that way, but though many are private religious institutions that originally took in Parent-less kids, most of what they get now are "hard to place" kids---and that includes the "conduct disorder" kids (budding Ns and Ps) The state pays them to take these kids, just like they would any kid placed in foster homes but at least they have enough staff to monitor these kids.

Good luck and I would start some kind of research (as above) and internet to find an appropriate solution (if there is one) to at least possibly get her out of the house. Even if you gave her back to mother, she would be back before long--or the mother might actually harm or kill her and that would be a bad guilt trip I would imagine.

Keep the faith, Simmons, I know your road is difficult and I admire you so much for even attempting to handle what you are. You are a very special woman! My prayers are with you always! (((hugs)))))
_________________
Life is lived forward, but understood backwards.

wahela · Joined: 18 May 2007 Posts: 188 Location: Iowa

Well, at least she is only six. By the time she is 12, she will be difficult to make her go where you want her to go. At six, you can pick her up and move her. At 12, no way.

The youngest stepdaughter left my house and moved to her Mom's house when she was 14. Whew! The problem then was, the level of chaos dropped, and her sister picked up the cause and turned into the worst of the worst. When the level of chaos drops, and the dysfunctional family is used to chaos, its the job of the next in line to pick it up.

When we started the last round of therapy, we said to the therapist, "K___ is the problem child. Her sister, J___ is not much problem, she just lies a little bit once in awhile." Well, when K___ left to her Mother's house, J___ took up the slack and was actually diagnosed BPD, ASPD with thrill seeking first. She wasn't much problem at all (really, just lied a lot). Until her sister left, decreasing the chaos level. The therapists said that there is always someone available to step up to the plate to continue the chaos.

I have not seen the youngest P stepdaughter in 6 years. The oldest I saw sleeping on the couch (due to a wild night in the camper with half the boys within 10 miles) when I left 4 1/2 years ago. If I saw them now, I would suspect that they had a butcher knife behind their back. I have to go back to Colorado for a funeral within a few days, and I sincerely hope that they, and their NP father do not try to approach me at the funeral.

wahela
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"Expect to have hope rekindled. Expect your prayers to be answered in wonderous ways. The dry seasons of life do not last. The spring rains will come again."
-Sara BanBreathnach