Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

Nikki-Jo · Joined: 04 Sep 2007 Posts: 3

I honestly dont know what to do. I dont know whats going on, or what the person is...thats doing this to me. But heres my story and times running out...Id appreciate any comments.

My online/offline stalkers name is David. He is 33, white, a Brit living in Japan. I am in the UK, i am 30, a single parent with a 3 year old daughter.

I met david in on a voice chat program nearly 3 years ago. Straight away we clicked. We made each other laugh, spoke for long periods at a time, and got to know each other. Within this chatroom environment we embarked on what can only be described as an online relationship. I was in a dying relationship myself and we used to idle the time away online talking about would we ever meet if i became single. David would say he would wait as long as it took.

I knew david was jealous and volitile from the start. Im ashamed to say in my niavety that interested me. His jealousy towards my real life partner made me feel special and although we had many arugments about this it didnt put me off. He got to know my real and online friends through me and there were a large group of us nightly on the chat program that used to meet up. The problem was, everytime we had a disagreement and i blocked or logged off on him, he would go beserk. He runs a hosting company which gives him access to peoples names and addresses, so soon he had searched all my details and my friends details and starting ringing my nieghbours, harrassing my mother, harrassing my best friend and her family. The only way i could get him to stop was to make up with him. Weak i know but i didnt want anyone outside the situation getting the flak for me, and he was so charming....he literally..charmed me.

A few months after my relationship failed, david and i had been talking around 2 years. We agreed that we should meet finally and to cut a long story short he flew to england. He sent me roses and a hamper on the day he arrived, and booked us into a stately home for the weekend. I felt like a princess and he was a perfect gentleman. I couldnt believe how different and how perfect he was. I was in heaven.

He was only supposed to be here 10 days. But as the last day approached he hinted it was a long way to come for just ten days, we agreed he should stop on a while longer....that turned into a total of 6 weeks as you will hear.

Then it started to go sour. David had a very bad temper. The first time i saw it was when we were getting him insulin (hes diabetic) from the chemist and they had run out. He was so worked up he screamed in my face in the carpark and when we got in the car and i was driving he was beating his hands on my dashboard i thought he was trying to get the airbag to deploy. I elbowed him in the side as i thought he was going to do real damage and he accused me of ''punching him in the face'' Considering i was driving, and i 9 stone to his 17 stone frame i hardly think so. When we got home he had me by the throat up the door, and threatened to kick my head in if i didnt ''calm down and stop crying'' He was sweating and agitated. Of course it was all my fault.

After that i started to see him in a different light. I was trapped, he was living in my home, i couldnt kick him out and i started to worry. Everytime i mentioned him going home he acted hurt or pissed off so i dropped it. Even friends found it odd how long he was here.

He said i am so vicious with my tongue in a temper, he was perfectly justified in doing what he did. I have got a vile tongue and i agreed that i had wound him up. And on we went.

I could go into the incident where i was worried money had been taken from my bank which led to him sceraming in my face in a kisd playground with everyone watching, or the weirder things. Like he wanted to follow me everywhere. The shower, he would sit on the toilet and say he wanted to chat. If i was late from my friends he would make the excuse to ring. If i went to bed, he had to go to bed, and he had a massive sex drive, which i also found unusual. Basically he never left my side. Not even for a moment. I started to feel suffocated.

The final incident happened last week. My daughter was having a tantrum in her cot and i was struggling to soothe her.I heard his familiar foot on the stair with a sinking feeling. He took one look in the cot and went straight downstairs. I took this to be in a mood. I came down and asked for a glass of wine. We had only had a glass each out of a big bottle. He told me he had downed the rest of the bottle of strong one in one go whilst i was upstairs. (hes a reformed alchohlic)

He hadnt eaten that day either. We started to argue and i said i was going to bed. He followed me and i told him to leave me alone. Basically he took my carkeys to keep me in the house and shut me in the bedroom with him. He dragged me out of bed, and off it by the hair screaming at me. He got on top of me and spat in my face, held me down by the arms and drew his fist back to punch me. The only way i stopped him doing it was i told him to think of my daughter who was asleep downstairs. He also said if i didnt stop screaming hed have to knock me out to keep me quiet.

Eventually he broke down and started crying. I was numb. telling me how much he loved me and how sorry he was and he needed help. I didnt know what to do. He couldnt go anywhere i couldnt bring myself to tell anyone i was so embarrassed by having him there.

I decided to make up with him and ask for him to go back to japan whilst i had time to sort myself out as he was on about moving back here with his daughter. He didnt want to go but because of what he had done the night before i paid for the ticket myself before he could stop me. I wanted him gone before i told him it was over. I had to make promises to him about christmas and coming back. He left all his clothes and posessions here and we acted excited about christmas. Even after i saw him on the plane he kept on. He rang me on the flight, he texted me from the changeover airport, rang me again as soon as he got home. I felt i couldnt breathe. He was everywhere. Rather than feel down i felt as trapped as i did before he left. He was on about booking tickets the next week to fly back and i wanted to get the money he owed me for the flight before i told him it was over but realised due to the way he was pushing, that i had to forfiet that. He couldnt get through to my house phone one morning i was chatting to a friend for a while. When he did he was angry, accusing me of cheating, messing about when he wanted to speak to me.
It escalated on the phone and i snapped. I said i was sorry but i just didnt feel as i should in the relationship and i was so so sorry but i wanted to call it a day. He wouldnt accept i was telling the truth, kept blaming it on other things and not listening. He rang my phone a thousand times, leaving abusive messages..over 40 of them. Then he threatened to overdose if i didnt talk to him. I walked away and hung up. Tired of being blackmailed.

That evening my mother, father, and friend all had calls saying he had oded and was in hospital in japan. I also had 2 calls of a woman saying she was a relative. I knew he was lying. My whole family were devestated thinking it was true. I remained cold.

I cut off all communications with him, changed my numbers, email everything. I rang the police who said there was nothing actvely they could do but to ignore it unless he returned to britain. I was screwed.

He is now ringing all local companies to get my work phone no. I know he will find it and pass it to a lot of friends he has now recruited on the internet to help harrass me. Hes told me hes going to ruin my life. And i believe him. He has rang my ex boyfriends workplace and reported him for company theft which is untrue. He has sent taxis and pizzas at night to my home, hes also harrassing my best friend who stands by me, saying he is going to wreck her life as well. He is getting men in the uk to ring on his behalf too, and help him do this to me/us.

He has told me he is not going to stop because I have ruined his lief and made promises i did not keep.

I just dont know what to do anymore. I know he is ill but what is it and whats the best way to handle it? He is now sayin...i have a new big suprise coming which i will never forget. Im frightened.

Here are some facts about David to get an idea into his mindset.

- hes very higly intelligent with a high iq. Mensa quoted him as having the capability to be a world class chess player or fighter pilot.

- his mother and father both psychically abused him and he was sent to live with his grandfather at 14. He hates both his parents and has no contact.

- he has strong interests in germanies perspective on world wars and has hundreds of movies.

-he wife died after committing suicide after she was raped which deveastated him. He swears the mother in law posioned her...

-he uses the prhase all you have to do is say sorry and it will all stop

-he switches between mr perfect and over loving to a raging monster when annoyed.

- hes artistic, he likes flowers, music, making things, gardening.

-his sex drive is unusually high, he seems uncomfortable with anything mildly rough in bed suprisingly enough.

Now hes threatening more things. He knows i am going to a funeral tomorrow and has sent a message via a friend to say DONT FALL DOWN THE HOLE - A SUPRISE IS COMING.

How the hell do i handle this and what the hell is he?
Should i stay in hiding or let him contact me?

Anyone..anyone??

Nikki-jo

irishdana33 · Joined: 04 Sep 2007 Posts: 12 Location: NW Minnesota

WOW Girl!! That is unbelievable. I know how easy it is to fall into Internet relationships. I moved 2000 miles away for a guy in North Carolina and left my precious children behind cause I was messed up in the head.

Do they have restraining orders in the UK???? If they do, I would seriously think about getting one and going in front of a judge and telling him/her your story. Do they have a stalking law in your country (sorry, I am ignorant about the laws outside the US, I live in Minnesota).

Secondly, this is coming from someone who has a range of mental disorders but he has definitely got a mental illness!!!!!!!! No doubts about that!!!!

Thirdly, if you receive any emails from him, print them out, any phone calls, get a recorder for your phone (they sell them here for about $100.00) in case he calls. If he is still calling your friends and family, see if they will give a sworn statement about him and his harassment. DOCUMENT IT ALL!!! All in black and white girl. Let his mouth go and that will be his down fall!!!

I can't believe the police told you there was nothing that could be done. This behavior is NOT allowed in the US and they have Victims Services here to help with those type of situations.

Start keeping a journal of what happened in the past and what is happening now and in the future. It sounds like his mouth is what is gonna be his downfall because he won't quit!!! So use it against him!! Turn the tables so to speak. He only has as much power over you as you let him get away with.

Turning to tables on him............he will not expect it because he "thinks" he has you right where he wants you..............turn it on him girl. Take the power back from him. Don't give your number out to anyone unless there is complete trust. Don't go into the same chat rooms you use to, you may even have to stop going on the net all together for awhile.

i hope this helps you...............blow him out of the water with your strength!! He'll never see it coming. I guess I am basically saying document document document as much as you can and let his actions be his downfall. Your in my prayer. Blessed Be. Dana
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Formally abused, suffer from bi-polar, PTSD, Borderline Personality Disorder, Anxiety and Panic Disorders.
I am a very very proud mother! My children are my life.........

irishdana33 · Joined: 04 Sep 2007 Posts: 12 Location: NW Minnesota

Who is telling him things that he knows what your doing and where your going???????????????
_________________
Formally abused, suffer from bi-polar, PTSD, Borderline Personality Disorder, Anxiety and Panic Disorders.
I am a very very proud mother! My children are my life.........

irishdana33 · Joined: 04 Sep 2007 Posts: 12 Location: NW Minnesota

another thing, will this friend that told you the threat he said about the funeral, will he go to the cops with you and tell them you life is being threatened??????????
_________________
Formally abused, suffer from bi-polar, PTSD, Borderline Personality Disorder, Anxiety and Panic Disorders.
I am a very very proud mother! My children are my life.........

irishdana33 · Joined: 04 Sep 2007 Posts: 12 Location: NW Minnesota

I keep reading over your message and getting new questions. Only let him contact you if you have a voice recorder and are going to be able to produce proof of what he was saying.

If you are willing to go this far in tape recording him and getting proof, get ready to be coy. Like, while on the phone with him, you say "why have you be threateneing me? Why have you been doing this this and this to me??? Why can't we just agree that it didn't work out between us and move on with our lives?" Questions that will get him to admit some of the shit he has been doing to you so you can seek criminal charges against him. Ask him about the threat he told your friend...........that will be the key right there.

If you decide to pursue this measure, prepare questions (on paper) if you have to in advance but ACT natural and distressed if you know what I mean so he doesn't suspect a thing.

Your going to have to be your own private detective so to speak.

Why do I suggest it? I have done it and it worked in court. Someone that had been bothering me for a long time (a family member) and he left a threatening message on my answering machine and then he called and I turned on the recorder before I picked up the phone and he talked himself into jail!!! Literally! I took his ass to court and he walked in there all cocky and once I played the tapes for the judge, he shut up in a quick hurry!!

I'm seriously telling you, I think it would work. If you have like an electronic store, go there and get the phone activated recorders because I think a few dollars on buying that could put an end to this for you.
_________________
Formally abused, suffer from bi-polar, PTSD, Borderline Personality Disorder, Anxiety and Panic Disorders.
I am a very very proud mother! My children are my life.........

OxDrover · Joined: 13 May 2007 Posts: 1461 Location: Arkansas USA

He definitely sounds like a DANGEROUS man. Is/was he really in Japan? Is he there now? The cyber stalking and phone stalking can be stopped to some extent, by chaning numbers or by letting recorders pick up the telephone. You might have to talk to your friends and family and "warn" them that the man is stalking you so that they will know what to expect and that they will not answer his calls either, or will hang up immediately upon knowing it is him.

I recommend that NO CONTACT of any kind be instituted immediately. ANY response, even answering and hanging up only eggs them on, it gives them NOTICE, and they want to be noticed, even if it is negative notice. You cannot placate them or "be nice" to them and get them to stop for very long.

He is obviously disordered and irrational. If he is not in the same country with you he may not be any physical danger to you. If he is actually where he can "get to you" physically, he might be quite dangerous and physically harm you.

I would notify the police, keep any e mails (but don't answer them) and any recordings on an answering machine. I would also ask my friends and family to do the same. I would also make sure that my locks were changed and get your car keys re-keyed too in case he made copies when he was staying with you.

Good luck to you and KEEP SAFE.
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Life is lived forward, but understood backwards.

Nikki-Jo · Joined: 04 Sep 2007 Posts: 3

This morning i discover he has found my ex boyfriends home details and is harrassing them now.

Also my house keys (spare set) have gone missing....

OxDrover · Joined: 13 May 2007 Posts: 1461 Location: Arkansas USA

Nikki, get your locks changed immediately, and a security system of some kind if at all possible.

Is it possible he is in UK or near you? Sounds like he might be or planning to be.

Ii am not sure about the laws about stalking where you are, but please CONTACT POLICE immediately. I would also take aphoto of him to police if you have one, and you might consider talking to your neighbors and show them a photo of him and tell themm he is stalking you. YOu don't have to go into great detail about how you met him, or anything else, just that he is a stalker and to please keep an eye out for him.

To me, this and many many other stories about such stalkings etc. underscores the danger of meeting people on the internet and "getting to know" them long distance. This gives them the opportunity to fool us pretty easily with their glib friendliness. They can pretend to be "prince charming" more easily.

Good luck and KEEP SAFE NO MATTER WHAT!
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Life is lived forward, but understood backwards.

GAV · Joined: 05 Sep 2007 Posts: 1

NIKKI I FEEL FOR YOU AND IF THERE IS ANYTHING I COULD DO FOR YOU I WOULD,YOU HAVE MY NUMBER AND YOU KNOW YOU CAN CALL ME ANYTIME THE GUYS GOT BIG PROBLEMS YOU KNOW THAT AND I DO SPEAK SOON GAV XXXX Crying or Very sad

Nikki-Jo · Joined: 04 Sep 2007 Posts: 3

Thanks to everyone thats replied. So many questions so ill just be brief and give you all an update on whats happened today.

Basically after the pizza and taxi night last night i woke up this morning to a phone call from my ex boyfriend who i hadnt heard from for over 4 months. He told me that social services rang at 7.30pm last night to discuss the welfare of his daughter. I knew straight away that it was him hoaxing but i couldnt take the chance. I went into work and rang them. They had no trace of a complaint.
I then very emabrrassedly broke down infront of my line manager and told her a watered down version of the truth. I knew from the way she looked at me that she thought it was my own fault and although i know shes right, i just hated that feeling.
Everyone at work knows now whats going on. I dont know wether to be hurt, embrassed, or ashamed first about it. The fact that i invited him into my home and he turned out to be a total psycho does things to my mindset you wouldnt believe.
I went to the police station this afternoon and got interviewed by a policeman who took all the details from me and advised me to cut all contact as if i had died. He opened a log of the problem and said if david came to england and did a thing they then would have the power to arrest him. The 3 scottish people that are helping him are also calling and he said if i could produce evidence of recordings of them doing it or text on this chat program, they could act. He advised me to also keep a logg of any incidents.
My ex boyfriend came over tonight and all things considered, took it very calmly. Even when i said that his work was probably going to get calls too. I told him everything that had happened apart from the violence bit, and he had a go at me which i deserved and we had a talk about where things had gone wrong between us. Then he had a phonecall from his father who said someone else had rang, and said they were a famiyl friend and that i was hurting my child. I mean when is it ever going to stop?

I may continue to update this thread if people dont mind, call it a work in progress lol.

And gavin is my real life friend who i pasted the link to the story to read, as it explains it correctly and in real life order. He just wanted to show his support, sorry if it wasnt meant for here.

Thanks

Nikki-jo

movedon · Site Admin Joined: 12 Jul 2007 Posts: 814

Hi and ((((((((9hugs)))))))))I am so sorry your going through all this
I would like to ask you if I may if you can totally change your email addy and password , be aware he may be hacking into your computer
Your phone can be monitered in the uk ask them for help some handy telephone numbers
free legal service 08453454345 UK
national domestic violence helpline 08082000247 uk
Nuisance calls advisor 0800661441 UK
It is a criminal offence to make a malicious call and callers can be a prosecuted in extreme cases bt and police will monitor calls
I know they cant do much about him in Japan but if he comes back here they can, also he has a british passport?
Theres always a way out so dont let him drive you into a corner
Absolute no contact
If you contact Citizens Advice Bureau, they have a team of free solicitors on a rota you need to make an appointment but they will tell you who to get in contact with and will do it for you if you ask them for help

Hope this helps you Bless you

Hugs
Movedon
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OxDrover · Joined: 13 May 2007 Posts: 1461 Location: Arkansas USA

Movedon,, this is GREAT practical advice, Hope everyone in UK jots down these numbers, great information and great resources for that part of the world.
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Life is lived forward, but understood backwards.

movedon · Site Admin Joined: 12 Jul 2007 Posts: 814

Thanks OxDrover ((((((hugs))))) hope your doing ok

Hugs
Movedon
xxxxxxx