Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

WindSong

This forum is created out of an idea of our esteemed manager Matilda. The idea is for us to have Veterans who have been out of their XNP relationships, and have been the distance and are in a good place to tell you what it is like and how it is. All you have to do is ask a question and our head moderator of this board, Cookie will help you delve into this and help you understand. We'll take on more Moderators as time goes on and some of us administrators will pop in and advise too. But this is for our Veterans to come and answer your questions to and give you the support that you need.

Welcome to the Ask The Vets Board!

Head Moderator: Cookie
Administrators: WindSong and Matilda

If you ever have any questions about this forum you can always email me at npdcasestudies@gmail.com
_________________

I Love Little Steven And That Guy He Sometimes Plays With.
Confused and Dazed Administrator. Email me if you have any questions:
windsongsharmony@gmail.com

italiungrl · Joined: 28 Aug 2007 Posts: 7

I Have not seen my NP husband but once in court since he went to jail on June 1st, when I saw him he has lost about 25 pounds( he could afford that) he looked horrid, he was always so concerned about his appearence and now he is reduced to county jail attire.
I still cry and cant beleive that it had to come to this, he deseerves everything he gets, yet I have a trait he doesn't have a clue aboout never did empathy.
I thought he would take this time and reflect and come clean and maybe find jesus you know like a surviving cancer patient they revaluate their lives. Yet he's still spewing hate and venum and lies,about me,to anyone that will listen, because I refused to lie for him to the courts, he threatened me to do things even Jack the Ripper would shiver at.
In all his letters to the courts he claims I was the abusive one mental, degrading him,and it goes on, do they mirror to their victims what they actually are guilty of?
How can I feel sorry for a man that is has no soul nor conscience? : :cry:

WindSong · Posted: Wed Aug 29, 2007 1:38 am Post subject:

Hey Italiangurl,
The answer to that is you don't feel sorry for him. I know that's hard because you are a real human being and you have feelings. But caring is where we most often get us in trouble. We can't believe and at first can't accept that he really does not have empathy and compassion for their human kind. It's so hard to believe and so terrible that there are people like him out there that we would rather not believe that poeple like him exist. And as we do, we lose empathy for them because they bring all of their troubles on themselves and they are well, just plain evil.

So, you do not waste your time and feel sorry for this guy. Trust me, he ain't feeling nothing for you. The most time you need to waste on this guy is how fast you can get him out of your life.

Hope this helps
Hugs,
Windy
_________________

I Love Little Steven And That Guy He Sometimes Plays With.
Confused and Dazed Administrator. Email me if you have any questions:
windsongsharmony@gmail.com

free@last · Joined: 24 Aug 2007 Posts: 300

I have a question. Just curious. I went out with my ExN for 3 years. He was seperated but not divorced. We have been 2 weeks NC . I caught him in a million lies, etc... He is going back to his wife. My question is do you think he learned his lesson? Do you think he can be faithful to his wife now and change? He cheated on his wife in the past as well as me. I know the best indicator of future behavior is of past behavior. I am just wondering if "N's" ever get cured of deceitfulness? I don't think they can but I am just checking. Thanks.
_________________
Rejection is God's Protection.

Cookie2 · Joined: 28 Feb 2007 Posts: 1378

Hi Free

I was in a long term marriage to a man like this and NO HE WON'T CHANGE.....won't all of the sudden be faithfull to his wife....NOT gonna happen.....She's gonna go thru the same as I did if he's an n/p.......He'll feel he's entitled to have sex with whoever he likes...n/p's have this great sense of entitlement.....Feel sorry for his wife...not jealous or envious......she's gonna go thru hell!
_________________
I have a photographic memory....I just don't have same day service.....................Cookie

movedon · Site Admin Joined: 12 Jul 2007 Posts: 814

Hi
Change????? They dont know the meaning of the word your well out of it, you call it his wife I call her a new victim reclaimed now she is more vunerable because shes saying its ok to treat me like this I welcome you back
Please dont feel sorry for him thats the amunition they all play on

Hugs to you
Movedon
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free@last · Joined: 24 Aug 2007 Posts: 300

Thank you all. The more I read on this disorder the more I am aware of the fact they can not and will not change. I wish I knew about this disorder before so I didn't waste 3 years of my life. Smile

But I guess everything happens for a reason and we have to learn and grow from our mistakes. The wife is my ticket to freedom and I am acualy blessed now that I know what the "N" is and will never be. Smile

Just another question. When you were finished with your "N" , did you feel like telling all their victums about him/her? That is my latest obession. I know it will pass though and it's just part of the healing process. I also know I can not change anyone else just myself.
_________________
Rejection is God's Protection.

movedon · Site Admin Joined: 12 Jul 2007 Posts: 814

Hi, I didnt tell everyone mainly because Id been programmed to keep my mouth closed for so many years, it was only when I realised I was reclaiming "me" back I started telling people, I still havent told my family all of it, they'd be too upset and I dont want them feeling guilty for not helping.
I now am free and Ill tell anyone who wants to know if it stops people from going back to these monsters, who suck the life out of you and then flit on to the next victim, or keep going back and forth in and out of your life like a yo-yo
Hugs
Movedon
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Gina · Posted: Mon Sep 03, 2007 11:08 pm Post subject: Does anyone change?

Hi All,
I haven't been around for awhile. Just getting over going to court w/my N. that I was married to for 20 years.
He totally conned the Judge and gave him the sad and sorrowful story that he hasn't had any property for 20 years and that I have so much money and can take care of myself.
I couldn't even get upset about dealing with him, my N. ex, my N. attorney and the N. Judge. I thought they were all totally crazy when I left the court and was mostly angry with my idiotic attorney that did absolutely nothing to help me. I don't think he even remembered why we were in court. He was 2 and 1/5 hours late to court and was acting like he had no idea what he was doing.
WOW. What a relief to get rid of them.
I know I'm off topic...but does anyone here know why my ex N. would be falling down? He fell down the stairs 3 months ago in Hawaii and broke his arm. Then, last week he fell down in Las Vegas where he just moved to and broke both of his arms and fell on his face. What's the deal???Has anyone heard of anything like this happening to their N>??? Shocked

Or is it that God is punishing him for treating me like S--T for 20 years??? Wink

He has all the kids feeling sorry for him, of course!!! Isn't that what they're good at?? Rolling Eyes

And of course, it's all my fault. Very Happy

Love,
Gina
_________________
Remember, other people are glad to get you into trouble, but you have to get out of it on your own.
Having a romance with a Cruelian is like cuddling up to a loaded rifle.

WindSong · Posted: Tue Sep 04, 2007 11:57 am Post subject:

sounds like to me he's on something. Drinking, drugs, something that would do that to him. Believe me Gina there is no chance that he's suffering for what he's done. But watch out he's probably going to try to claim some illness. Make sure he has doctor's note to prove it. He'll use it to say poor me, I can't make money cause I can't work and look at HER she's so healthy. She can take care of herself.
_________________

I Love Little Steven And That Guy He Sometimes Plays With.
Confused and Dazed Administrator. Email me if you have any questions:
windsongsharmony@gmail.com

movedon · Site Admin Joined: 12 Jul 2007 Posts: 814

I agree with Windsong sounds like a sympathy trip for something hes planning
Keep strong((((((9hugs)))))

Movedon
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WindSong · Posted: Wed Sep 05, 2007 12:38 am Post subject:

Don't forget the idea of the drugs too, moved.

Gina, if you can swing having the judge order drug testing do so. That ought to upset his little apple cart.
And always remember, be safe.
_________________

I Love Little Steven And That Guy He Sometimes Plays With.
Confused and Dazed Administrator. Email me if you have any questions:
windsongsharmony@gmail.com

movedon · Site Admin Joined: 12 Jul 2007 Posts: 814

yes agree with both Windsong, also a thought maybe hes after more money
Playing the sympathy card to get it, the compensation card
I might be wrong but please be aware just in case

Hugs
Movedon
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motherless · Joined: 13 Sep 2007 Posts: 1

Hi, I'm new.

Are there any veterans out there who have successfully ended a codependent relationship with a narcissistic mother? I am almost 50 yrs old, and have only broken away properly within the last 18 months. It has been a long process (altogether about 3 yrs) of revelation, prayer, perseverance, determination, anger, confrontation, rage, despair, sadness, elation, freedom etc which has got me to the 'place' I am at now. I was completely deceived for almost 50 yrs!!! (how embarrasing!) and now I see the situation clearly. I am tired of thinking about my mother, and really want to move on, and just LIVE!! For this reason, I am not going to go into any of the past details. The situation at this time, is that I avoid any contact with my mother who is living nearby in an old age home. I am so relieved to be 'off the hook' as far as feeling responsible for her happiness is concerned. I have given myself permission to not feel guilty anymore, even when I know how unhappy she is with me.

The reason for this post is to try to understand why I feel the way I do, which is like this :

I feel an undercurrent of sadness to my mood all the time, even when I am happy or eg. laughing at my kids or dogs;
I am totally intolerant of lies that people tell, or lies printed in the media - it frustrates me intensely;
I am obssessed with being 'honest', especially with myself, and am trying hard to get to know the 'truths' in my heart, and to get to know myself;
I think I feel that I am a 'bad' person, although in my head I know I'm not, and I think I feel like this because I know that my mother is 100% unhappy with me and all my 'nonsense' all of the time;
I know, in her denial of the situation, she is just waiting for me to pull myself together and come back and apologise to her, so everything can get back to 'normal' and then life can carry on as it was before;
I know, with every fibre of my being, that I will never allow things to go back to what they were like for almost 50 yrs - I have reclaimed my right to 'healthy freedom' - I can never go back!!!
I want to be free from the thoughts and obssession with my mother;
I have chosen God's way, which is forgiveness, and although I have chosen to forgive my mother, I find it so difficult to soften my heart towards her;
It is almost as if the hardness I feel in my heart is protecting me from getting trapped in her lies and manipulations, and is definitely making it easier for me to keep my distance from her;
Maybe this is why I feel sad, because there is so much hardness in my heart?;
I worry that my children (3 sons) won't regard me as a 'soft place to fall' (Dr. Phil);
My (happily married to) husband is constantly monitoring my moods, and, almost daily, asks me why I am 'in a bad mood?';
He tells me I am aggressive, and I get angry often, especially with this criticism;
For this reason, I sometimes feel I am stuck in a vicious cycle, where there's not much joy;
I can't seem to break out of this 'place' I am in ...... I want to!, and often I consciously decide to just 'wash my hands' of all of it, take a deep breath, and move on/just be/just live, but somehow I still feel 'rudderless';
I struggle to manage my time effectively, and seem to waste time and procrastinate, and then get frustrated with all the things on my 'TO DO' list which havn't got done;
A typical example is writing this post!!!! I have spent too long reading this web site and writing this letter, and that is over and above all the hours I have spent in the past, reading up on narcissists etc. on the internet;
Why can't I just LET IT GO?!!!!! MOVE ON!!! GET A LIFE!!!! STOP TRYING TO WORK IT ALL OUT!!!! STOP TRYING TO SOLVE MY MOTHER!!!! ETC. ETC. BORING ETC.?????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

By the way, I am not in a depression as I am on Arapax, and the Psychiatrist is happy with me. I have been on anti-depressants for about 10 yrs now, and have been to a psychologist as well.

Basically I am just ready to live and move on, but want to feel some joy in my spirit, and softness in my heart.
Do I need more time?
Do I need to work on forgiving my mother more?
Do I need to find coping skills to help me deal with the suffocating effect she has on me, in order to be able to include her in my life?
Am I wrong in NOT pursuing reconcilliation with her, even on MY terms?
Am I not 'honouring' my mother, by excluding her from my life (and therefore her grandsons' and son-in-law's lives as well)? ie. is my attitude towards my mother ungodly?
Can there ever be CLOSURE for me without reconcilliation?

I called myself "Motherless" because I am choosing to live without her, but she is so alive in my mind ..... I should have called myself "Tortured" or "Shut-up-and-live!" or "Irritated" or etc. etc

Even if no one responds to this, it has been good for me to express it. So thanks for the opportunity to offload - I must go now and stop whining!

Love from me

movedon · Site Admin Joined: 12 Jul 2007 Posts: 814

Hi, Motherless it sounds to me like you have a torrent of questions that still remain unanswered

I think we all have to deal with family relationships in the way we have been treated in the past
If your Mother is making you ill by her actions then have time away to re-evaluate your situation
I was thinking maybe a compromise of very few visits, but if you find these vists are making you ill then stop them
You could write to her if face to face is too much at the moment
The main thing is let go of the guilt its eating you up
I think anyone would find it hard to forgive an N
The trouble is most people dont reconise them as such and so society in general tend to believe them.
It says Honour your Father and Your Mother IT does not say you have to be a slave to her needs every waking moment.

I think you sound like a very caring person who has a strong sense of conscience of whats right and wrong and theres nothing wrong with that more people should be more truthful
I'm strong believer of where your hearts full of resentment theres no room for love so maybe if you try and think of ways to let the resentment
go your conscience will heal.
Its clearly making you unhappy so maybe if you deal with it by first being detached in your thinking learn to love yourself first and stop beating yourself up because of bad treatment you have had off your Mother in the past
Its easier said than done I know I put everything down on paper of all the things that were done against me and then said goodbye to it all and put it in a box and although it sounds nuts it does work
Not everything in life is black or white there are always reasons why we follow a certain coarse of actions
(((((((hugs))))))
I hope you sort this out for your own peace of mind
Hugs
Movedon
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