Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

Heidi · Joined: 30 Aug 2007 Posts: 2 Location: New Zealand

I too have a daughter whose behaviour can only be described as beyond the understanding of social norms. Apart from the 16 years of abuse she has put us through (she's 31 now) I also am trying to protect her 14 year old daughter from her. Mind you, I have been doing this since she was born. Luckily, because D could not be bothered looking after GD when she was a baby, but wanted the money the state gave her for having a child, I was able to 'rescue' GD before the age of 3 (by bribing D with the promise I would not tell the state officials) and she has lived with my husband and I ever since. Years of demands, tantrums and money later I have finally reached the brick wall because the latest development is her overt and cruel verbal attacks on GD. At 14 GD can't understand why her mother hates her so much and it hurts me to see her suffer. She is a sweet loving girl with no aggressiveness and she folds when attacked. D is a truly sick and vicious person who will stop at nothing to assert her 'superiority' and 'moral righteousness'. She is sick with jealousy and hatred - to the extent that she sends her brother long emails about how much she hates various female celebrities and why should they "have soooo much". Her latest escapade was to demand that my husband and I adopt GD so she wouldn't have to pay child support (a small deduction from the benefit she lives on) for a "kid that she gets nothing from". It's taken me years and years to finally realise that she IS mentally ill - and that she's NOT going to grow up one day - and that I HAVE to stop providing her with a victim pool. Any advice appreciated - any ideas welcomed. I think I have finally hardened my heart to her - but I am 52 and it's taken until now - how long for the poor 14 year old child of her making before she can stop it hurting! Thank God (and I do thank him daily) for GD's father - we have close contact and he has a warm and loving relationship with GD.
I have searched the web extensively for others in this mess but not having much success. I finally (after all this time) called in a mental health family support service yesterday and it opened my eyes to see their reaction to the events of the last 16 years. I guess I have lived with it so long it became 'semi-normal' to me. I did not realise just how psychotic her behaviour was/is. I think I have been in denial re the mental illness aspect - it seemed to me that she was simply lazy, selfish, violent - (in short, the eternal teenager) and that one day she would grow up! How wrong can you be!!

Heidi · Joined: 30 Aug 2007 Posts: 2 Location: New Zealand

Sorry - I am new to this site and re-reading my post I realise it doesn't seem to have much relevance to the current string. The reason I posted here is because in the last week or 2 (since I have cut ties with D) she has taken to ringing my mother (who lives in the same town as her) and asking for rides here there etc. My mother is 81 and does not understand that D is sick because D does the sweet innocent underpriviledged routine with her and says that I 'don't understand her'. I am very concerned that she is going to target mum as the next victim and I can't do much about it because if I talked to mum she would think she could improve the situation by 'having a talk' to D. This could have serious implications. D has isolated herself for years now and lives vicariously via her computer so her social networking (and therefore her victim pool) is limited to family members she hasn't alienated. In short, me, GD, my mum, my son. She has now had me and GD put out of her reach so I know where the focus will shift to. This scares me a bit.

Echo · Posted: Fri Aug 31, 2007 4:56 pm Post subject:

Hi Heidi,

I split your topic to make a thread of its own so that more people will see it.

So sorry to hear what you are going through, there are lots of people here dealing with the same problems that will understand your concerns.

Feel free to post in the main sites also if you wish, they are busier, and you may get more responses there.

Also, try here.

http://thepsychopath.freeforums.org/viewforum.php?f=9

Echo.

justmee · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 691

Hi,

I am usually on the other board but was just sitting here reading tonite. I am sorry youre daughter is like this. I am glad that you have the gd. I do not know what to tell you or have any advice. My sister is alot like youre daughter, she kept the kid so she could get state support but never really had her. They do not change. Just take care of you and the gd.

justmee

OxDrover · Joined: 13 May 2007 Posts: 1465 Location: Arkansas USA

Dear Hedi,

Well, I know for a fact I can relate to your story, though I don't have a granddaughter to worry about. I do have a psychopath for a son and he has targeted my mother for his supply when I cut him off.

First off I applaud you highly for taking care of your GD and I know that now you have also realized that your D is "not salvageable" which is the first step we have to take.

We always seem to think that if we find the "Magic words" to pour into their ears they will see the light and straighten up. It doesn't happen, and there are NO magic words. It isn't just a "mental illness" that can take medicine to make them feel and act normal, it is a disorder of the personality which is NOT TREATABLE. They are human parasites and they do not want to change. Read all you can about Narcissists and psychopaths and learn how they think.

Good for you getting your GD psychotherapy and help, as a teenager who is growing up without a mother that cares about her it is difficult for her to understand, but therapy will help her with some of the wounds she has received and so she will not blame herself.

As far as adopting the girl legally. Ask this. What would happen to her if I died or was disabled? Would her mother get custody of h er? Then make the decision based on that, rather than the money her mother pays.

I know it is very difficult to GIVE UP ON your own child that you loved, but there comes a point when you realize that this child you loved is GONE and intheir place is an ADULT who has taken over their body like an alien life form, and the child you loved is GONE forever, and this adult is TOXIC.

At least you do have the GD to make you feel as if you haven't "lost all" and I don't even have that consollation, but since this has all happened, I am actually grateful that I have no biological grandchildren.

Hang in here on this list and LEARN LEARN LEARN all you can about these disorders (they are all basicly alike but different mostly in the intensity of the toxcisity.)

As far as your mum is concerned, I don't know how best to tell you to protect her from your D. It depends on many things,, including how much money your mum has, how "with it" she is, etc. You might also ask social services about this in case she is sort of "out of it" mentally and not able to protect hrself financially if need by. You'll have to wing that one for the time being until you do some checking up on it. I tried to get a guardian appointed for my mom but that didn't work at the time...so find out what the possibilities are before you do anything rash is my best advice.

Also, thinking about the adoption thing, you might adopt the child and that would give you the right to have D NC with you, your family and the child. NO CONTACT is difficult at first, but it doens't take too long in my opinion before it is such a RELIEF to not have to interact with them that you wouoldn't even consider contact.

Good luck to you, and God bless you Heidi, there are lots of great folks here on this forum to helpyou and support you. Read and post as you need to, or just to VENT. ((((Hugs))))
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Life is lived forward, but understood backwards.

chenique · Joined: 04 Apr 2008 Posts: 19

hi heidi
thanks for sharin your experience with your daughter. I too have a daughter or should say had a daughter who is now 24 and trying to destroy my life from the outside. I don't let her in anymore but we live very close and she is clever at manipulating others in community to think badly of me. Before I read these kind of forums I felt suicidal and mad. Alot of others told me I was paranoid and how could my daughter be out to get me. But now I am healing and very glad I worked out what was going on. am concentrating on my life and health and four wonderful other children. I am quite sure my ex-daughter will cause more stress in the future as she grows older and even more malicious but I understand how her game is now and so am forewarned and forearmed as they say. Enjoy your grand daughter and be thankful for your knowledge and each day you wake up and are free.