Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

nisablack · Joined: 26 Aug 2007 Posts: 11

I am too tired and sad to go into the weary details but, I have offically ended a 7 year run with a Narcissist and I am so traumatized, I do not even know what to do with myself. This is the 100th time I have tried to leave, but now with the latest betrayal I have nothing else left to do. My ex Narcissist, is cunning, manipulative, mean, cold, heartless, everything in the book that could be named of evil. I have the composure not to contact him, ever again, but I have his two year old son and I am so confused about whether or not I should just refuse any contact with him when he does make it...he will say he wants to speak to his son, but this will be partly true; he will want to get back inside my head to destroy whatever is left of me as well. Also, to ask for money which I have in the past given to him in bounds selflessly.

This man has been scarcely apart of his son's life, only recently spending intimate time with (3 weeks) him since his birth, and I see no authentic loss for my son if he does not hear his father's voice on the phone or see him ever again. He is fake and dangerous. He is jobless and will not pursue any custody battle with me, he does not by any chance even have the financial means to do so. If I refuse all contact with him there will be no consequence, I see, except that my child will lose the little memory he has now of his mostly absent father. His treatment of me has been so ill, I could walk away from him forever now, but my son's presence makes this choice very complicated. It's been only 2 days of Not Contacting him, and the days will continue to grow, but he will eventually call in two weeks and then the vicious cycle may possibly begin again. I do not know what to do. I do not want to neglect my responsibilities as a mature parent, but at the same time, if I have to speak to this man in the near future, I feel like I will tummel into the steepest of deppressions and utterly mar my already shattered self-esteem. I know I may need to be in contact with him in the future concerning my son, but I just don't want to now and for a long while. I would like some advice on what would be a resonable amount of time to separate from my ex completely before re-establishing communication strictly for the purposes of my son.

If I am to have No Contact with him, how long should this No Contact last if a child is involved?- my situation stated above considered. I would like to vanish from him for a year-maybe 2 or 3. He does not live in the same state as I do, so this is doable for me. But will I be wrong, to reject his attempts to contact me in order to speak to or see his son? What if I maintain No Contact for a full year in order to heal my self and completly move on from this terrible relationship? And then after this time has passed, if my ex N should desire, allow him access to his son? What is the reasonable thing to do in this matter?. My ex N is terrible when it comes to relating to me and I want absolutely nothing to do with him, but when he does offer hisself, he is an attentive, caring, and nurturing father-(of course superfically, but he is my child's father.) Can someone offer me some words of wisdom or advice. I do not know which way to go.

Thank you.
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Nisablack

Cookie2 · Joined: 28 Feb 2007 Posts: 1378

Hi and welcome.....It would be the best for your son to have NO CONTACT EVER with your/his son....N's contact is nothing more than using the kid to get back at you...I cant see how this might be good for ANY kids.......the courts however WILL see it differently because they wont even take the dads being an n into consideration...You seem to know for a fact that this dad wont be able to fight this in court and I hope your right........
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I have a photographic memory....I just don't have same day service.....................Cookie

nisablack · Joined: 26 Aug 2007 Posts: 11

My ex N has a criminal History and will not pursue any legal actions against me if I keep him from contacting me and my son. However, he will persistently try to place calls, send letters ect. to create a line of communication between us and make the case that he is genuinely interested in his sons well being; that he has a right to him and that I should not keep him from his son. I however would simply like a prolonged period of time of NO CONTACT so that I can restore my self-esteem and my sanity. In the final stages of leaving this man, I always have this inner battle with myself...is it right to deny him access to his son? But he has tortured me so much emotionally and mentally. These are the questions I ponder in my heart and mind. Then he calls again and I give in and begin a relentless cycle of emotional and mental abuse. I honestly, do not feel like I have the capactity to be indifferent to him meanwhile maintaining even minimal contact in order for him to communicate to his son. So I think your advice is best and that I should cut off all contact all together. He has taken up so much of my young life. I'm only 24.

I just don't want my son to grow up to later despise me because I refused his dad. I don't want him to yell at me..." why didn't you accept dad's calls? Why didnt you let him see me?" Of course I could explain the betryal, the abuse the hurt, the torment....I just hope my son, when he is older, will be understanding of the choices I want to make now on his behalf.

I welcome your thoughts, opinions & sympathies
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Nisablack

Cookie2 · Joined: 28 Feb 2007 Posts: 1378

Your son might very well grow up and blame you....this is a pattern I've noticed on the many talk shows.......and in my x's family......His brother ran away from his parental resp when his wife divorced him and the kids were pretty young......those kids spent an awful lot of time imaginating what their dad was like and believe me....it was always good......and that was their fantasy because their dad was an ass.......My daughter would tell them they were lucky they didnt grow up with their dad because she DID grow up with hers(his brother) and it was NOT good.......I'd take that chance if I were you......rather than dealing with a grown son who learned well from his n or p father how to lie and manipulate people you'll be dealing with a normal son we can hope.......
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I have a photographic memory....I just don't have same day service.....................Cookie

littlecat2 · Posted: Sun Sep 02, 2007 12:21 pm Post subject:

Hi there ..... your situation is a tough one, to be sure .... I certainly see why you would want to protect your son from this horrid individual, and I can also see that the potential is there for your son to blame you someday for doing that. You are in a tough place. I guess if it were me, I'd get some family counseling - you and your son - you alone, and your son alone. And, talk with your lawyer about this. See what he/she says. Hopefully, between the therapist and the lawyer you can come to a resolution that feels OK for you. I don't envy you, my friend. This is a tough place.
abby
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