Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

NancyCT · Joined: 28 Feb 2007 Posts: 1305 Location: Connecticut, USA

I actually meant to post this under the topic, "One of those days", but changed my mind and decided to ask for advice about the legal stuff there. I'm looking for advice here, too. It's a respond or let it go question.

Today was my day with S14, and the day that S12 transitions to his father's. S14 came to me and said that N would be taking him home with him at the end of the workday, taking him to his karate class, then dropping him back here. The reasoning was that he had left his gear at his Dad's, who had to bring S12 to the same class anyway. I waited to hear from N about this. Remember, he's working right upstairs here at my house. At 4:00, I finally emailed N, saying that it is a mistake to use S14 as a go-between in our communications, and could he kindly communicate directly with me in the future about schedule changes. I was very tactful.

N phoned immediately. He kept saying that he wasn't trying to cause trouble, that I could do whatever I want. He was clearly agitated. I told him I would keep S14 and bring him to his lesson myself. I was looking forward to N leaving for the weekend at 5, as he'd been here all week, and I dreaded the idea of him coming back at 8 to drop our son off.

When I picked up S14 after his class, S12 came up to me and told me that his father was very angry at him. It seems that N had asked him about recorders in the house. S12 told him he knew nothing about it. He said that N got even madder then, saying, How could you not know?!!!! I told my son that it is Daddy's issue, not his, that he has done nothing wrong and it's OK to day "I don't know". He started to leave, then ran back to me asking, "But is there, Mom? Is there recorders in the house, because Dad is going to be even madder if I don't know!"

I'm torn. How do I react to this? My poor boy! I can visualize N's temper and his willingness to use this child to his own ends.

My thought was to email N, letting him know about the conversation S12 had with me, telling him how inappropriate his actions were, and assuring him that yes, all our conversations are recorded, whether by email, phone, cell phone, or in person. Count on it. It seems that was why he used S14 to communicate the schedule change - so nothing would be recorded. Nice try.

I decided instead to do nothing, wait and see. I was afraid that if I revealed this conversation to N, he would come down even harder on S12 for talking to me about it, and the child won't feel so free to confide in me next time. I don't think he would harm the child physically, but then again, I thought the same thing about him harming me in the past, and he proved me wrong. The child comes back here Monday morning.

What would you do?

cangel · Joined: 24 Feb 2007 Posts: 314

Nancy,

I would send this question to your lawyer.

You are 100% on the mark about keeping the kids out of the middle and not having them play messager. The father of my kids (a nonN by the way) and I never exchanged information, money, schedule changes or anything using the kids. It just makes things neater and keeps kids out of adult business.

As for what you say to your son (if he remembers by Monday) this is trickier. I might be inclined to just tell him that if his Dad has questions about things he should be asking you and that you don't want to involve him since it is adult stuff. Your sons might be worried that they are being recorded if their dad has been talking about this alot which might be making them feel uncomfortable - just a thought.

vmm · Joined: 07 Aug 2007 Posts: 175