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DR. VAKNIN'S WEEKLY CASE STUDY: MARISSA

Submit a Case Study and Sam Vaknin, in person, will analyze your situation and offer insight, coping strategies, and remedies.


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DR. VAKNIN'S WEEKLY CASE STUDY: MARISSA

Postby marissany1 » Sun Feb 18, 2007 11:16 pm

My wonderful story begins at a hotel bar in Miami. We were both there with our friends who knew each other. We both lived out of town. We sat by the outdoor pool on the lounge chairs and had the most amazing conversation, we both didn’t want the night to end. When our friends decided to pack it up we exchange phone numbers. He called me from a blocked call (which I thought was odd) at 3am asking me to go out around Miami the next day. I said I couldn’t but to call me the next day. He never did and I kinda brushed it off thinking he was weird (red flag). Over the next 6 months he would call sporadically from unknown numbers but I never got the call , he never said call me back so I just said oh well. Finally in June I ans the phone and we started talking regularly. He told me he was getting divorced (he was married the night I met him) and they have been struggling for yrs. I also am divorced so I know how it goes. I told him I was going back to my place in Miami in August and he said “I am going to see my friend then too!”. We met up in Miami and went out every night. We shared deep stories – like he told me about “the love of his life”a royal decendant in europe and how she got pregnant but her mother didn’t approve. How he flew to Spain to get her to stop but it was too late .. intricate details and sorrow(Turns out he NEVER dated this girl- he made it all up)

I noticed he was not so interested in sex and he admitted he was very upset in that he just got fired. (turns out he was fired cus of indecent behavior at his non profit Christian job – he is 35 and would ask 18 19 yr olds out to lunch or to his place.) I felt very badly and I bought him a camera (a very nice $$ one ) to make him feel better. (he loved photography and wanted this camera). I should say my first husband had money so I am pretty well off now but he didn’t know this until later. I would pay for everything since he was in bad shape being unemployed and accounts frozen in divorce, he also said he has a 50k money market a/c due in 3 months (all lies). Money has never been important to me and I believe if one person has it and one doesn’t it shouldn’t matter what the sex is. He took advantage of it big time over the next months –ill give you a couple of incidents - he put $2500 on the credit card telling me it was a donation (he knows I love charity giving) but it was really to repay a loan. He added $500 to our hotel bill getting a gift certificate, when I found out he said it was “for us” that he was going to take me back there and he couldn’t afford it. I also found out he was emailing a stripper saying he could help her get into film industry – he wrote such cheesy stuff to her like “you look like a star” –gag” I wound up dumping him and then he started calling me at all hours from unknown numbers, texting me all the time. I finally gave in. Things were ok but then I started finding inconsistenties in him. He would text the most beautiful poems and words but never say them to my face. He preferred raunchy sex and never looked me in the eye, Only when we slept would he hold me tight and express true affection. The rest seemed like a movie set. I found pictures of girls (some teens) in his camera taht he would have pose for him in the street (that I bought him) he would also guard his computer and cell phone with his life. He loved his “contacts’ always kept them in order and the latest high tech equipment. He created a my space saying he was a single pilot and photographer , he put a national geographic patch on the camera strap so it looked official...Its like he created a whole different person.

The worst was when we went to South America to see his old friend. He kept begging me to go. I finally agreed to go for 1 week . His friends were lovely and sadly without $$. I told him we should treat them to come with us to the resort area of the country. He did (claimed full credit) and they accepted. We (I) paid for their plane and hotel. We had a nice time but he was staring at girls everywhere and it was really getting to me. One time we were in a restaurant and he was staring at the waitress. I got up and left, he followed. I was upset and he said he knows he has a problem and hes been trying to stop. He always took the blame and always apologizing. My week was over and on the day I left he gave me roses and chocolate (which later I find he put on the hotel bill) and we had a nice send off. He sent texts every day on how much he missed me and he was “in pain”. I checked the credit card and saw he went BACK to the restaurant (waitress) the SAME day I left and charged it on my card!. I was heartbroken and left him again. The same happened again (his apologies, saying he was getting counseling etc etc.) but this time it took much longer I would up taking him back 4 months later. I also found out he told people I had 'followed him ' to south america to look like hes been suffering since the divorce

I should also say that I became very close friends with people he introduced me to in his home city. They told me his ex wife was sincerely a great gal with not a bad bone in her body. He was divorcing and trying to get ½ the house that HER FATHER bought them.( he of course told me he paid for 1/2) He was unemployed for half their marriage and also cheated on her (he claims they were best friends but shouldn’t have married). His friends were slowly turning against him and telling me to leave him as facts and inconsistencies came out. He came out to visit me when we got back together and we had a great time. The end came for me when I found out he took a girl out within 24 hours of returning home. I had enough. . Thanks for listening to my story This was in November.

I wonder why he made such an effort, flew 3000 miles if he had other girls 2 miles away??

He now has done the same with the unknown numbers and text msgs saying hes changing and “God Bless” me for showing him the consequences of his actions . He realizes all hes done. (I have maintained NC) he sent a msg today saying please lets be friends by ‘baby steps’ and earn my trust again.

Of course my head says – hes playing a game but there is always that thought of doubt.

I have questions if u dont mind..


Does this sound like an ‘N’ ?he hasn’t been diagnosed to my knowledge. I know you cant properly diagnose someone but does he fit enough of the criteria?

Is there any link between narcissim and ebophylia (teens)? He would always stare at young teens and (im sure) fantasize.

I remember he told me when he was young he would masterbate incessintely , is that a symptom?

How are narcissits as senior citizens/ close of life? Are they still lying and cheating?

He was never violent with me he only yelled a couple of times and for the most part was depressive and sulky, never looking forward to any event ( even wonderful trips!) is that typical?
The heart has its reason which reason know not of -taer
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marissany1
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Location: new york

 

Only charlatans remote diagnose

Postby samvaknin » Tue Feb 20, 2007 12:27 pm

Dear Marissa,

As you guessed correctly, I refuse to diagnose people based on anecdotal "evidence". Only charlatans remote diagnose people they have never met.

Only a qualified mental health diagnostician can determine whether someone suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and this, following lengthy tests and personal interviews.

These may be of help - click on the links:

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/1.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/npdglance.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/faq82.html

Take care there!

Sam
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samvaknin
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Joined: Thu Feb 15, 2007 6:30 pm

Narcissism and paraphilias

Postby samvaknin » Tue Feb 20, 2007 12:30 pm

Narcissism and paraphilias (sexual devaitions) are closely linked.

Read this - click on the link:

http://samvak.tripod.com/pedophilia.html

As well as these:

http://samvak.tripod.com/faq29.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/journal21.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/faq22.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/faq18.html

Take care.

Sam
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samvaknin
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Posts: 5951
Joined: Thu Feb 15, 2007 6:30 pm

Senior narcissists

Postby samvaknin » Thu Feb 22, 2007 4:36 pm

Unlike wine, narcissists "age" badly!

Read these - click on the links:

http://samvak.tripod.com/journal54.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/faq62.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/faq54.html

Take care.

Sam
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samvaknin
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Posts: 5951
Joined: Thu Feb 15, 2007 6:30 pm

Depressive narcissists

Postby samvaknin » Thu Feb 22, 2007 4:39 pm

Yes, it's typical. Many narcissists are depressive rather than aggressive. Depression IS a form of aggression.

Click on these links to learn more:

http://samvak.tripod.com/journal83.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/faq17.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/journal86.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/personalitydisorders36.html

Hope you found our correspondence of some use.

Take care.

Sam
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Posts: 5951
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