Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

lemondroppr · Joined: 10 Feb 2007 Posts: 1422

http://www.lynneforrest.com/html/the_faces_of_victim.html

aka The Drama Triangle and I learned this by the name The Triangle Game. I believe this is a "must read" for recovery.

OxDrover · Joined: 13 May 2007 Posts: 1461 Location: Arkansas USA

Thank you, Lemo, for that link, says it much better than I did. Also, glad you are back, we missed you---

Deciding to get off the train and "quit playing musical chairs" is a difficult thing to do--and since in many of us (me at least) it "feels natural" to assume one of these roles and there is always a "justification"-- in a "game" BY DEFINITION you are not consciously aware of being "in a game." If you are aware that you are participating in a game, you are no longer in the "game" but you are "manipulating" consciously what is going on.

I am aware of the game my family is playing--I actually got "sucked" into it emotionally for a while--the difference is that in mid game, when the pain was the worst, I had the Light Bulb effect and said "Oh, my gosh, I got conned again and pulled into this game." I LET THEM CON ME. I LET THEM SUCK ME IN. The response is to get out. Quit playing the game.

Sometimes "games" can escalate to the point of as one therapist told me once "tissue damage"--that is where someone gets physically hurt or killed. BODY PIERCING BY SMITH AND WESSON type stuff.

Since there are at least two NPs in this game of "hard ball" and at least one of them (my son) has already killed one person, it is reasonable to assume that he might be willing to kill me in revenge or for monetary gain. So this is a pretty serious game of "Drama Triangle" not just a one that will end with somene stomping out of the room in a huff. (Which is emotionally unhealthy, but at least not fatal.)

Looking back to my mother's role in all the Drama Triangles in our family's life for 4 generations at least that I have personally known the peoople, I can see who the person in the family role what was the "designated rescuer"---who was the "designated bad actor" etc. The odd part about all this is that if the "designated X" dies or leaves the family, there will be another family member "appointed to that role" even if the one they were currently playing was 180 degrees off.

Until my "rescuer" grandmother died, my mother was not much inclined to "rescue" anyone, she was sort of a "tough love" sort of person. Expecting people to take responsibility and consequences for their actions. Her brother was the "designated bad actor" (NP) in the family. Mom's dad was the family disciplinarian, and not an overly harsh one either, but he had firm boundaries that he expected to be honored. Mom was much more like him.

Then when my grandmother died, mother abruptly assumed the "rescuer" role, but with a new twist. Where my grandmother had been a more passive rescuer, keeping bad actions secret, mother not only kept bad actions secret but actively DEMANDED and coersed the rest of the family to go along with her rescue. She played "hard balll rescue" where my grandmother had played more soft ball rescue without DEMANDING anything.

For several years (15 plus or minus) Mom had sort of been out of the "rescue game" full blown at least, but about a year ago she picked up the "victim" role. Feeling very "put out" and angry when I started caring for myself instead of devoting all my time to her and her needs. I saw this and talked to her about it. I had been taking care of her when she was very ill, when my dad was dying, etc. and this was not "gamey" behavior on my part, although I admit I did not take sufficient care of myself, but when I realized this, I started taking care of myself.

In the meantime, Mom picks up the "victim" role and because I am not there to "rescue" her, she becomes angry. Then she picks up the "rescuer" role in relationship to my son who lives next door to her, and "labels" me the persecutor of him as well and he the "victim"
because I refused to take financial responsibility for his poor planning and "rescue" him--of course this doubly makes me a labeled "persecutor" in mother's eyes because not nly did I fail to assume all responsibility for her happiness and well being, but I did not assume financial responsibiiity for my son either.

My son in prison (for murder) was also a "victim" of my persecution as well, in my mom's eyes, because I had realized that he is an NP and that I had been sucked into his game as well, and opted out of his game. So again I am a persecutor in mother's eyes.

Incomes the ex-convict friend of my NP son's and steps in to RESCUE mother from my persecution and to meet all her needs for companion ship, transportation and also lets her "rescue" him from me. Even though I hadn't persecuted him, she became angry at me because I MIGHT HAVE PERSECUTED HIM. (her actual words! Laughing

)

Of course my son and his wife whoo mother rescued, see her as their savior, and me as their persecutor, and the ex con sees her as his savior and me as his potential persecutor, and my np son in prison sees his grandmother as his possible savior and current source for funds, and also sees me as his persecutor, so they all took a vote and decided that they are all victims of me, and that they have rescued each other, and that in order for things to run as they should, that I should be collectively punished for persecuting them all. None of them are "aware" of the "gameness" of all this, and for the NP son it doesn't matter, he is manipulating the whole thing anyway as a way to divide and conqueor between my mother and me.

I REFUSE TO PLAY. I did succeed in getting the ex-con out of my mom's house, which since I had allowed that to happen, I felt was my responsibility to undo, but after telling me she wouldn't allow him to move back in, she has allowed him to move in with my son C and his wife, so the man is on the farm. So that is her choice. It is no longer my interest or responsibility.

I have a reasonable expectatin that my NP son is dangerous to my physical health and life. If I stay here I am more at risk, than if I move, so I will move and maintain NC with the entire family, hopefully leaving little or no paper trail behind me.

A therapist told me once that the "Only legitimate rescue is an unconscious person from a burning house." I laughed, but I see more and more truth in this statement.

There is no law against "helping" people or being "good" or giving "gifts" to people you love that will please them. However, when you are doing something for someone that they are OBLIGATED to do for themselves, thus relieving them of their own responsibility to do that for themselves, then yo are rescuing them. A rescued "victim" comes to EXPECT and demand that you continue to rescue them.

One example might be if your adult child spends their income on "flash" and doesn't have enough money for the rent, and they come to you and say, "Dad, I need some money for rent this month, can you loan me some?" If you know and realize that the reason for the lack of rent money is poor plannning and you give it to them, you are "rescuing"' them from the poor planning, and I can almost guarentee that they will ot pay it back as they promised. So you have moved from "rescuer" to "persecutor" because now you are mad at the "victim" you rescued for not keeping their word, etc. so around the circle you go.

Now, if the lack of rent money was say a big medical bill, and you want to "help out" because you love your son and know that in spite of all he could do, the leukemia he got was the problem. Then GIVE him the money and don't expect anything in return. That is not "rescuing"--it is when yoiu "expect" payback for your "rescue" either in gratitude, or love, or care for yourself later--that is when it becomes a rescue.

I don't think there is a one of us that wouldn't sacrifice ourselves to try to save/rescue one of our young children that had fallen into swift waters and was drowning, but at the same time, I don't think I would jump in to save one of my adult children who had deliberately jumped into the water and then cried out "save me!"
_________________
Life is lived forward, but understood backwards.