Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

wlw35 · Joined: 09 Mar 2007 Posts: 374

I've talked to several friends, my therapist, etc.. don't know why this is bothering me so much. After all the reading about NPD--NPs, of course, sister has some traits, but my sister in law (SIL), has been really getting to me. I have dsyfunctional parents and in-laws-- real special, my in-laws are better than the Nps, but not much. Background, I've been married for 10years, I have seen my BIL, SIL maybe a handful of times, they live 6 hour flight away, and my in-laws 4 hours. I could go on, but this is the issue, my inlaws are celebrating their 50th wedding anniv... I mean, 50 years of marriage, my God, my FIL is a saint, that's worth celebrating. Well, they went to Europe to celebrate (they were born there), only b/c my BIL could not agree on a time or place to meet, they love exotic vacations... we have a 9mo old and they were going to be accomodating and come here, they changed their mind at the last minute, can't go, they wanted to go to Belize, o.k. I said no to out of the country with a baby--water etc... think about dragging 3 kids under 6 with diarrhea through the airport.... then, SIL found a very expensive resort in Florida, the in-laws got mad and said forget it, we're going to Europe, well, they came back and now feel like they want to go get everyone together... easier said then done. H wants to go at Thanksgiving to MILs (not ideal, but o.k.) SIL can't "handle" a "tug-of-war" with her mother. Nevermind it's my inlaws 50th wedding anniv. and we visit maybe once every 5 years... The topper they are going to vacation in Crotia with their children in Sept, talk about weird, she got some deal. Now, H called BIL, tried to get him to agree to a time either July or Thanksgiving.. well, he couldn't make a decision. I sent a very forward email, stating how we've been accomodating, about my medical, depression, and having 3 kids... QUIET, not a word. I know to let it lie, but how much flexibilty should we give??? I mean really, they suck. They can't even bend for anything, have to be in control....
My friends voted to go at Thanksgiving and f- them or go when we want.
Anyone have thoughts???

oaktree · Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 362 Location: Minnesota

Ignore them. Do what you want when you want to do it. Your visits do not have to be coordinated with them. Your H's parents may actually prefer it that way.
_________________
Once You Have Been Bitten By A Snake, You Are Very Cautious, Even Of A Coiled Rope.

The Dalai Lama

wlw35 · Joined: 09 Mar 2007 Posts: 374

Wise words. I wish the H's parents would give up, they want us all to be together like one big happy, family...I will keep you posted. The plot will thicken.

paradox · Joined: 20 Feb 2007 Posts: 120

I agree..do what is easiset for you. My MIL is N. For the first umpteen years of my marriage, I bent over backwards to accomodate her...dragging the kids to her house for holidays, lest she be inconvenienced by having to travel (what is wrong with this picture, when the relatives with small children are the ones who feel obliged to do the hauling??) ..nagging my poor H to call her and send cards, etc. All it ever accomplished was to make us all miserable. It was never enough..she found fault with everything we did. Now H makes an obligatory yearly visit to see her on his own...at least now only one of us is utterly miserable.
And now it is my fault that she doesn't see him more often, I corrupted him..lol.There is no pleasing thses people..may as well please yourself.

wlw35 · Joined: 09 Mar 2007 Posts: 374

Lucky me, paradox, you've just described my NPs situtation & and the N-inlaws, I got it on both sides, beginning to wonder if we were drawn to each other b/c we were both ACONs (unconciously, of course), his FIL is pretty normal, though. I've gone NC with my NPs and pretty much limited NC with my MIL. You'll appreciate this, she called in the middle of the afternoon, usually I don't answer, thought maybe it was serious, she calls me so rarely now and my H was out of town, she called to ask me if I had scheduled a dr. appt. for my H, that he's had a cough for a long time, it could be serious, OMG, I'm a nurse practitioner for god's sake, I've been on his case about this, well, I ripped into her, said that I've had serious health problems (liver) and been to/from the dr. A LOT and I've made an appt. with the pulm. for him. She was shocked to hear about me, then she did only what an N can do best, she turned into how it must be affecting her son, "he worries so much" -- guess I could be dying and she would be more worried about him or herself, nevermind I'm raising these 3 kids with NO help. It's so validating to hear your story, too, it helps so much, yeah, we're corrupting them alright:)

paradox · Joined: 20 Feb 2007 Posts: 120

Oh, the phone calls are the worst , aren't they? We don't have caller id, as I hate to think of myself as a 'screener'..but if it's the weekend, I let the machine get it. If I'm rested, I can 'play' - give her some ego strokes, if not, it just spoils my weekend. (I'm pretty sure they pattern their calls so they will catch us - MIL tends to call now when she knows H will be sleeping, as she has better luck keeping me on the phone)
I do appreciate the phone game - it's so familiar! : ) My MIL called, unhappy about not seeing her son often enough. I said, well, H tends not be as sociable as any of us might like. She says, yes, when he was eating sausage and beef he was different, he's changed now. ( he decided to go veg with me) Yeah..that must be it...the diet.: )

Riccy103 · Joined: 17 May 2007 Posts: 587

wlw and paradox...

Good people don't do things like that to you. Your P's and In laws are in the same line as devils. You have to do something to get away from them. All the stress and worrying is hurting you, on top of everything else.

When we go NC from them, they try to annihilate us, (Sam Vaknin's own words). They don't know how to play fair. They lob bombs at us to frighten us back into submission. Don't let this discourage you. You have to get out of that life. It's a matter of self preservation.

I've been where you are and done it myself. I can't tell you how much better my life is now. I can't even describe it, because you wouldn't believe me. N's will bring you down. That's their only goal. They hate their own lives, so they want to make you hate your's. That's what you look forward to if you chose to stay with them....misery. It your choice.

Riccy
_________________
They may have changed our diapers when we were babies, fed us, and gave us a roof over our head, but their abuse canceled out all those good things. Why give me life in the first place, if all you want is to kill my soul?

paradox · Joined: 20 Feb 2007 Posts: 120

Good advice, Riccy!
I spent many years trying to please MIL...somehow make her 'like' me. It was a useless waste of time...just a set up for more abuse.
I only became aware of the actaul existence of personailty disorders a couple of years ago. Recognizing what the true problem is has been a huge help.
I agree with you regarding limiting contact. I only speak to MIL on the phone, and have come to expect her to be abusive and miserable. It simply doesn't bother me that much anymore...is not a reflection on me. She cannot help herself. The saddest thing is the way the rest of her family, other adult children, still knock themselves out trying to win her approval. I wish these disorders were common knowledge. It would soothe a lot of misery.

dreams · Joined: 29 Mar 2007 Posts: 167

Among the multiple problems I have had to deal with I too have experienced that thing where family people use you as the vehicle to vent frustations about another or to try and mold YOU into what they want you to be or try to force you to bend toward their needs. My therapist called it being a part of an enmeshed family...

This is my recommendation based on my own experience and working with a therapist:

If a MIL for instance calls to say that OMG I am worried about MY son...Did YOU set an appt for him at the docs???? Or if she says...OMG - you are sick.....OMG......now MY son will worry. I would say, you know what?? If you are concerned I think you should speak to your son. I can't really help you with this matter. And I would refuse to talk any further with her on the matter. I would state emphatically that this is her issue and you don't know what to say to "comfort" her thus she should take it up with her son. You can say it without anger....just as long as you say it.

If the MIL (or - fill in the blank- whoever it is) gets upset with you about any other issue like you don't want to visit or travel or do it HER way and you try to explain that is just won't work so then they get upset with you, I would say I'm sorry YOU feel that way. I have to go. And if they persist just keep repeating I have to go now. I have to go now. Then if they really persist....say I am hanging up now and hang up.

You will MOST likely be seen as the bad guy (a very very bad guy) but likely you are already seen this way and have been for years - NOT your doing however. But that is okay because now you can relinquish the role of having to fight to be a good guy which is like running on a hamster wheel forever - getting nowhere except exhausted.

I have been in my own situations whereby I was seen as the bad guy no matter how nice I was, no matter how hard I tried to keep things harmonious or good, so one day I had enough and I just resigned myself to that "role" of bad guy in their eyes.

It IS very unjust to be seen this way and sometimes it still bugs me but I am more used to it as time goes on. However it is easier to in the long run as it is more draining to keep up their dance of crazymaking.
Dreams

oaktree · Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 362 Location: Minnesota

Cheers, dreams! From one "bad guy" to another, now the important thing is not to incorporate their current criticisms of us into our own self concept.

Gotta keep reminding ourselves that we are a "good guy." Since our little inner child was so damaged, because we believed everything they told us about ourselves, we have to help that little kid (mine is in my gut) remember whats up and whats down, right and wrong, good and bad, and that we ARE NOT the bad guy!

YEAY. (sees picture of them now all running around spinning like Tazmanian Devils because they are getting no response).

Oak
_________________
Once You Have Been Bitten By A Snake, You Are Very Cautious, Even Of A Coiled Rope.

The Dalai Lama

dreams · Joined: 29 Mar 2007 Posts: 167

Hi oak,
You are very wise to add that it is important to remember that YES we are GOOD no matter how much "they" need to see us as BAD!
Dreams

wlw35 · Joined: 09 Mar 2007 Posts: 374

paradox, you've got it, love your sarcasm, sorry, that's my personality, too. update-- proud of H, last weekend, he got everything out in the open, hard to tell for sure, he speaks german on the phone with him, but at least he is trying. no word from SIL or BIL, they went on another vacation- calif. my MIL actually said that's why we hadn't heard from them, give me a break, doesn't he have a cell phone with free w-kd minutes. anyway, so far, we plan on going for t-giving, it's best for us,our family, plus H wants to visit old friends, we're chosing us, finally, if BIL shows up, fine, if not, too bad. btw, MIL listened to H, agreed about them being unreasonable, then said, she really wanted the family together, well, that's not our problem, we've tried. you guys have really helped me make progress on this one, it's been several years and it's finally coming together. take care.

paradox · Joined: 20 Feb 2007 Posts: 120

wlw35,
LOL...Humor is pretty much the only coping mechanism I can reliably count on...I don't think we ought to apologize for it in any form. It literally has saved my sanity.

A big woohoo to you, for choosing you!! (and about time, too, isn't it? : )

big hugs,
paradox

oaktree · Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 362 Location: Minnesota

A big YEAY for you!!!
Oak
_________________
Once You Have Been Bitten By A Snake, You Are Very Cautious, Even Of A Coiled Rope.

The Dalai Lama

wlw35 · Joined: 09 Mar 2007 Posts: 374

Thanks guys, just talked with my therapist today, she said the same thing, it's about time that you make time for yourself and your family. As ACONs, everytime we would "demand" attention (in the Ns opinion) the NPs were turn it back to them, make us feel guilty for wanting to do something for ourselves, as if it's wrong, we're ungrateful, not worthy. Trying to get past this, concentrate on myself for once. You guys rock, I've made so much progress, mostly due to your support, I needed somewhere to turn where others really understood my NPs, how hard it is to de-program and get emotionally healthy. Baby steps...