Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

femfree · Site Admin Joined: 11 Feb 2007 Posts: 654

MIND MANAGEMENT

Quote:

''I count him braver who overcomes his desires than him who conquers his enemies; for the hardest victory is over self.'' Aristotle, Greek Philosopher

Our recovery passes through phases and this document will gives some experiences that others have used to smooth out the healing and recovery process, and hopefully hasten this process and help guide you along this path more quickly.

Relationships with the psychopaths and narcissists who have come into our lives have left us reeling - emotionally and even physically devastated.

You will read many tactics and techniques used and hopefully what you read about here will encourage you to search for additional information on the various topics that you feel will benefit you. We want to shorten the time in recovery, so let’s get started…

Journaling

Quote:

“Keeping a Journal will change your life in ways you’ve never imagined.”
Oprah Winfrey

If you are looking for a secure place to journal, Oprah Winfrey has password protected journal space at her website. Also, check out some diary space (search google for suggestions).

Dream Journaling is recommended also.
(Tip: search google.com for some ideas about how to journal your dreams.)

These are some words and suggestions from our members…

“One of the things which helped me most is quite odd in fact. My step grand children had a toy box at the house. One day, too tired to even lie down, I picked up a coloring book and crayons. Just like when I was a small child, I began to color in the pictures. It took a while - perhaps 1/2 an hr but oddly enough, thoughts I hadn't had since I was a kid myself, began to creep in. Those thoughts were wonderful and very healing and it was the beginning out of the emotional hell I was in. I guess they call this connecting with your inner child.”

“That's a creative outlet....COLORING! (I've never given it up!) It brings the kid out in me.........to play......and decorate my world as I wish to at that time.......... And there's always something comforting about the scent of the crayons.....reminds me of my warm & nurturing Grandmother.........who plastered her refrig. with all my art drawings. My mother trashed everything I did.......Playing is indeed fun!
And self-indulgence to me is a great cup of coffee, a real Marlboro (instead of generic smokes!)....... With a huge box/bag of secret chocolates at bedtime That NOBODY else KNOWS about! It's MINE.ALL MINE!!!!!!!! MooooooooooHaaHaa!!!!!! lol! I better get WORKING, before I get into daydream land!!!!”

“I painted a lot. I got some canvas and oil ink and painted women expressing my emotions. I still have these canvasses, they are right here close to me. One is smoking and thinking, other is a girl, a child yet, other is naked and looks sad, other is a hard worker and other is a queen. That was my way to express my feelings. Also, I wanted to be busy with something that had no emotions. I would want something to make me stop thinking about him. So, I started studying Mathematics. This was very helpful. I could be completely away if I was concentrated in a Math problem. This went too far! I came back to the college and studied Math during 5 years. Also, I started making miniatures. I went to a store and bought several packs of clay and started working. I got to sell a lot of them during a show. I am still doing this as hobby.”

“I recycle everything from the obvious trash items to donating at the Salvation Army and thrift shops bags and bags of old clothes. It feels good to give anonymously as well as to purge a closet or two. I did the whole garage over the summer: I unloaded probably 2000 vinyl records. It kept me busy, and I needed the diversion. I also try to work out every day and walk 3 miles. I take lots of vitamins. I try to get outside everyday. My psychiatrist always advised that (going outdoors) because the sunlight hitting the retina helps to fight depression (and boy have I had depression). Taking extra good care of me is my #1 priority because it has to be. I have to stay healthy for me and my son and I work 2 jobs. I also hit 1-2 Al-Anon meetings every week. Some things I do that work come and go in spurts, but the ones I always do are: go to Al-Anon, work as much as I can to save $, exercise, and take my vitamins.”

“I try to concentrate on my family, friends, and dog. I love my dog much more than I ever loved the N. I do have to admit that the "no contact" rule is the only way to go no matter what. I still have thoughts of the N but they are becoming rarer and rarer with the "no contact" rule.”

“After my (devalue and discard) D&D, I set about to get some house stuff done. I repainted the kitchen, got new curtains and chair pads - nothing major, but it kept me busy and gave a fresh perspective to thigns. Also I joined a volunteer organization. Wouldn't it be nice if there were a Step 1 do this, Step 2 do that. But there isn't so we have to be everything to ourselves to gain back all the ground stolen by the N. I try too to reconnect with the person I was before he came into my life. I want that old ‘me‘ back.”

“Painting, drawing, poetry, clay work, story-telling, gardening, yoga, ballet, housecleaning, sewing, etc. The point was to find solitude for reflection. As a result, I received a MORAL to my confusing situation once the meditation had re-integrated my head and my heart.”

“I painted. Not with an artist’s brush on canvas--but walls. For three months I painted my bedroom non- stop. Whatever color struck me or fit my mood. I bought paint every two or three days. If tomorrow morning I didn’t like today’s color I changed it. Sponge, rag roll, glaze---stripes, geometrics, murals. In the beginning I didn’t have the patience or focus for anything complicated, but as time went on it became more elaborate. There was something soothing about the repetitive motion--probably like rocking. After a time I began to be able to focus in on detailed work, I could shut unwanted thoughts out, the concept of time disappeared. Wow, I was really a whack job, but I started my life anew every time I changed colors. I recreated myself a hundred times. Until i found something that felt like me.

Reply: WHAT COLOR DID YOU END UP WITH??? (inquiring minds want to know!!!!)

Reply: Would you believe--ivory on white sponged on nimbus gray? It looks like clouds. I found an antique iron bed with a high head, painted it and an old two-piece pantry cupboard white. The bottom of the cupboard is my dresser, The top is like a wardrobe, and an old white wicker rocker and footstool. For a vanity I found a really neat piece of architectural salvage--have no idea what is was, flat shelf top supported by s-shaped brackets, a large oval cutout between the supports. White Battenburg lace sheets, dust ruffle, shams and comforter cover. Old tatted lace coverlet. There’s an old long sleeved, high necked white cotton night dress on a dressmakers form. Lace folding fans and old pearls in oval domed glass frames. in the end, I liked it so much that when I moved here, I duplicated it. There’s a Victorian floral patterned area rug on wood floors. Soft greens and rose on tan and white. There’s not a lot of color in the room. It has south-east exposure, the morning light is wonderful. I wake to the sound of a stream under the window—it’s like waking up in a summer fog that’s being dissipated by the morning sun.”

Reply: “Wow, Isn't that great?? I could just picture you playing "Van Gogh" on your walls, before deciding to finally settle into what turned out great!! I'm glad you didn't cut your ear off, though! Hugs to YOU!!!!”

Reply: “Your plan sounds great. I have zero decorating skills. I paint my walls white because I'm afraid Debbie Travis is going to drop by and criticize any other colour. I often tell people it's a mural of a polar bear in a blizzard. Some actually believe it LOL. If you feel like doing more decorating send me an email - I have a project or two for you LOL.”

“When I'm really upset, I clean. There's something about getting my house in order that helps me feel my life is ordered too.”

“Oh thank heaven somebody else mentioned that cleaning thing. I like to organize closets and drawers too. Now I just know all of you are going to form a group to have me committed to an insane asylum, right?”

“Make it your home by putting up pictures, photos that please you, put objects around that have emotional significance for you. And lets us not forget the power of the almighty bubble bath!”

Al-Anon has also helped immensely.

“I journal, journal, journal. Write and write. Both here and by myself. I am learning water colors. I paint cards -- and write verses in them. Walk. Walk. Walk with the pooch. Sit in the woods, by the river by the beach. I volunteer once a week. I go to Al-anon and CoDA meetings and work the 12 steps. I write a gratitude list every night. I meditate before going to sleep and ask my angels to send me healing dreams. (its working!) I do a crossword every day. I've started a major new project to help other women who have been abused. When angry -- I go throw eggs in the woods and scream and yell -- haven't done this in about a month -- and after our anger fest I don't feel the need -- the chickens thank me. When I feel edgy - I bake bread -- nothing like punching down the dough to vent frustration and in the end, I have sweet smelling bread rising. Mmm the aroma. The taste. The fulfillment.”

“When feeling overwhelmed, I walk in the woods and admit to the trees that I don't know what to do, I don't understand, I am lost -- I always feel better after admitting I am lost. I remember to breathe deeply -- I notice my shoulders slumping, tightening -- I breathe deeply. It always helps to remind me that life is not the burden -- the pain is heavy, air is light. Sometimes, I simply glance above me and I am immediately connected to the wonder, the magic, the miracle of life. I immediately feel reconnected to the Divine.

I smile. Some days I smile at myself in the mirror -- I read somewhere that if you smile at yourself in the mirror 5 times a day, within a week you will 'carry' the smile with you always. It's working. And, most importantly, I remind myself of what an amazing gift my life is.”

“I SING! I sing with a local gospel choir (only about 30% are "believers" so you don't have to be "religious"......... although it helps!!). When I am learning new lyrics, or performing these wonderful songs, I can totally forget all my cares, relax and enjoy myself. Singing in a choir is great therapy for me!
Also I have found I appreciate the simple things in life, cuddling my dog, walking her in the sunshine, and spending time with my children.”

“I have found that going back to work and not being a stay at home Mom has helped so much. Also I enjoy aromatherapy, and yoga to help relax me.”

“There are a couple of things that completely block the N from my mind: 1. One is to watch a funny movie/show with my daughters and LAUGH my azz off 2. The other is when I am teaching art to my students and they are busy lovin' it. I get so engrossed in both of those things that there is no room for any negativity. I just feel full of joy and my own power to make myself and others happy.”

“A turning point for me, from recovering, coping and reacting, to a proactive empowered position Al-Anon has also helped immensely.”

“I love writing poetry about the whole experience.”

“MIND MANAGEMENT” Meditation

is taught by Nancy Anderson-Dolan, University of Calgary, 6 hrs. Continuing Education program.

She spent a while talking about aspects of Meditation and different philosophies, which have evolved for some 15,000 years

Currently, some HMOs in the USA are paying for meditation therapy because they are finding huge recovery benefits among heart patients who recover faster with less problems and a whopping 50% decrease in medication and pain symptoms among burn patients.

The instructor has a background in psychotherapy with people who have eating disorders as well as rape/incest survivors so she knows a little about the kind of trauma we're subject to and highly recommends it for us.

Now I'll skip to the actual meditation examples we did in the class.

MENTAL DISCIPLINE EXERCISE

This is particularly useful for developing self discipline and will power by reinforcing the need to stay focused on goals.

1. In a comfortable place - this is to your own liking -- sitting, lying down - choose whatever works for you, but make it comfortable or we won't want to do it. She darkened the room and I was lying on a blanket over a carpeted floor and the other 14 members in the class were either sitting or lying as well. She said close your eyes and picture 1. Of course, somebody said "One what?" and she replied "Just one" and her example was a black field with a ‘one’. One person had 1 flower floating across the sky.

So, as I'm new at this I used her example and pictured a black field and the number 1 went floating across this black field, it was a green colour 1 - that's what popped into my mind and it floated off, then 2 - it was yellow, went floating by.

Now the purpose of this exercise is to reinforce that our minds are busy and our thoughts chaotic in real life. So, whenever we had 'outside' thoughts coming in, we were to just start all over again with the one.

I never made it to 10 at all that first time.

One man said he thought of the 'one' as entering his head and passing through his body and out his feet.' 'Great' said the instructor. Other people had their own areas where the 1 or 2 etc were - that's individual preference.

I tried it on subsequent days and I was able to get to 10, but I do find that thoughts creep in and I have to refocus on the one again. That's the mental discipline - we're teaching ourselves to refocus our thoughts.

When they say practicing meditation they aren't kidding. It's a beginning and she said that after a while, we can become calmer just getting into position. It's very powerful and after several attempts the effects were felt far easier and faster. Practice makes perfect!. Remember, I was the huge skeptic of all this.

Like that old joke "How to I get to Carnegie Hall?" and the response is "Practice man, practice".

What we wish to stress here is so important. We need to practice these techniques. They become easier. Soon they become 2nd nature to us.

The importance here is we need to constantly refocus over and over our thoughts and actions towards our goal. It’s a habit we’ll cherish all our lives.

RELAXATION AND STRESS REDUCTION

Again we were lying down and she said tell yourself "Scalp, become calm, relaxed, forehead, become calm and relaxed (she said this very slowly), then facial muscles, neck and chin muscles, shoulders, chest, internal organs and so on down and finally ending with the arm extremities of hands and fingers.

She said don't be surprised if we get a leg jerk or some other body part, because that's our tension leaving and sometimes it does it with a 'jerk'. Again, the room was darkened and I was on the blanket with a towel for a 'pillow'. I could feel warmth in the areas I was instructing myself to relax and she mentioned afterwards that this is a good result - it's working quite well if you can feel that warmth.

Next, we were to picture a path which leads to our 'sanctuary'. She instructed us to picture a path and to move along it slowly. Then, picture a tree and as we passed by the tree to take a problem and hang it on the tree, finally we're to hang all our problems on the tree and continue along to the 'sanctuary'. I decided that my sanctuary would be a small meadow area with overgrown tree branches, shady and warm. She said explore your sanctuary, so I pictured the roots of the trees around it, the texture of the grass, the imaginary earthy smells and filtered sunlight. Then we were to leave our sanctuary and pass by the tree and leave our problems hanging there.

She said this was an excellent one to do when falling asleep, because we work on relaxing our bodies and then getting rid of our problems on the tree and being safe in our sanctuary.

The sanctuary can be what is normally called humorously sometimes our 'happy place'. It's individual for everyone. She said if we don't have one - go find one.

One lady whose problem was to relax enough to be able to tackle the clutter in her home said she never got beyond the path, because it was all rutted and full of rocks. Other people had problems trying to imagine their sanctuary. I just made up one that I thought would work for me.

PROBLEM SOLVING

Walking Meditation. This was done with the instructor using a drum – a drumbeat at every step. We took slow steps and the idea was – as we’re walking along, leave your problems behind. She demonstrated a foot movement, very much like trying to remove something stuck on the bottom of our shoes as we walked along, but mentioned that part is not necessary.

Overcoming Obstacles

Picture yourself walking along your path to your sanctuary. Envision a large obstacle (mine was a large boulder) in your way. You cannot progress until you analyze the obstacle, identify it, and find a way around or to take it apart before you can continue. My experiences were that I kept thinking of something else rather than the task. Instructor’s analysis – avoidance on my part. We all face an obstacle. Some common ones are self esteem, physical weight/appearance, financial insecurity, change of lifestyle, painting devils on the walls future, fear of rejection, being alone, night terrors, etc.

The trick is we have to 'practice' it. It doesn't just happen overnight that we're suddenly struck with Zen Buddhist or Shamanic meditation healing powers - it takes some work but the effects are dramatic.

I highly recommend taking a course, but that could mean waiting for months until a course comes available so for anyone thinking of trying it, this is what I encountered in my class.

She said she's spent plenty of time in the ladies’ washroom getting a 3-5 minute meditation for mind discipline, relaxation. Sometimes we just gotta find a place where we can.

Given the fact that HMOs are actually funding it, there's some pretty obvious payoffs in terms of health costs/benefits.

I was very surprised at my physical response. I guess I was a bit nervous at the beginning and hence, didn't make it through to the 10, but had to stop and refocus on the 1 step again a number of times. Also, I can't remember what colours the other numbers were, but I seem to be the only one that had coloured 1’s and 2's etc.

She also mentioned one exercise that is more Yoga based and that is to stand and picture our feet going deep into the ground like a plant growing roots. and as we mentally did this she said we'd experience what they call a rebound-energy effect from the ground.

Also, there are many other aspects of this meditation which can benefit by getting in touch with our religious/spiritual side as well. As she said - it's a way of getting connected with the God of your understanding. Even for an old skeptic like myself, I was really amazed at its’ powerful effects. We encourage you to have instruction, the above is provided as a guideline if you wish to try it a bit yourself.

Perspective

Exercise One: This exercise is important to gain some perspective of ourselves and to help us get a different perspective. Very important !!

Get comfortable. Close your eyes. Take some deep breaths. Take longer to exhale than to inhale. Focus on the points where the air enters the body – the nostrils or mouth. Focus on that area for a few moments. Then expand to picture your throat and lungs. Then imagine the air mingling with your body. Stay focused on that for a few moments and repeat going back to the air entry points. Using your senses, concentrate on way the air feels on your skin, the way your clothes feel, sense any noises you hear and be aware of the temperature, smells. Spend a few moments on that and then expand to be aware of the sensory input from the whole house and then the area you are in and the local schools, churches, businesses and society. Extend that area to include a larger geographic area such as your state and then outward more to picture your situation within the country you reside. Take it further and picture yourself in a global perspective.

Exercise Two. We were given a raisin. Take the raisin and examine it. Feel the ridges, be aware of the smell and texture. Picture the journey the raisin has traveled. There was a family that planted the bush it grows on. It is part of an agricultural enterprise. Picture how the raisin is harvested and the economic factors that take place in bringing it to market from growing to sales, to advertising and packaging. Picture the raisin’s part in the economy of the country. Now taste the raisin and feel it’s texture in your mouth. Be aware of the smells, and oral sensations and picture it as it is swallowed and becomes part of your body. The benefits of this exercise is to gain perspective of our problems in a larger
Replace self-defeating or bad habits with new interests.
Tough “Self” Love
To help motivate us to maintain that self-imposed No Contact rule and giving ourselves instructions: “No! I refuse to call him”

OLYMPIC-CLASS THINKING

Visualization and imagery has been used by professional sport athletes and motivation psychologists for decades. It’s extremely effective. Picture yourself successfully – that’s the key, doing something. Visualize every tiny detail. It’s the way Olympians prepare for their performances. It is extremely powerful.

I used it to prepare for saying “No” the psychopaths in my live and when that day came I was able to do it. Yes, the knees were wobbly, but the feeling of accomplishment was just wonderful

STOP PAINTING DEVILS ON THE WALLS

The destruction of our relationships and the exposure of the false self of our Jekyll/Hyde partner also bring concerns of a barren future.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
from Desiderata, Max Ehrman

This kind of worrying and despair happens to us all. Stop it!! That kind of thinking will literally drive you crazy. Stop painting devils on the walls. It’s simply not true. Our healing time is not short, but getting out and about as soon as you’re able to will bring new experiences and often when we least expect them. Remember, he chose you because of your unique qualities he can never have. Focus on the present and the present only. When these thoughts come into your mind use thought-stopping tactics...

When you realize this is happening, shout “STOP” or think it in your mind. Repeat it over and over until your mind stops thinking anything except the word stop. Use the mental discipline meditation technique above to train yourself to refocus back to the present moment.

Thought Stopping:
Thought stopping helps you overcome excessive worry, repetitive thoughts, and negative thinking, which may take the form of self-doubt, fear, and avoidance of stressful situations. Thought stopping involves concentrating on the unwanted thoughts and after a short time, suddenly stopping and emptying your mind, by using the mental command "stop" or a loud noise to interrupt negative thinking. Then, you may use thought substitution to focus on positive thoughts and outcomes. If the thoughts can be controlled, stress levels can be significantly reduced.
Stress Reduction Techniques
http://isis2.admin.usf.edu/counsel/SELF-HLP/stress_red.htm

The Dreaded Contact

Visualization and imagery has been used by professional sports motivation psychologists for years. It’s extremely effective. Picture yourself successfully – that’s the key, doing something – visualize every tiny detail you can imagine, It’s the way Olympians prepare for their performances. It is extremely powerful.

To do this, mentally rehearse encountering him. Picture some different scenarios. Something like spotting him first or him coming over to you unexpectedly. Focus your thoughts internally. Picture being in the moment and not thinking of the past or the future. Using deep-breathing tactics, focus your thoughts on your nose where the air is coming in and on the expansion of your lungs and the air mingling inside. These are meditation relaxation techniques. Picture your own bland, non-emotional facial expression, not giving him any Narcissistic Supply. Only the normal social smile we're all able to do.

►Picture him starting to talk and when he gets a few words out, picture yourself looking at your watch, bored and saying only something like "(1)Good to see you again N, take care of yourself, OK?. Good bye" turn and walk away. Repeat as necessary.

►Picture him saying something like "I'd like to see you again." and rehearse your responses with some minor brush off like (2)"I've really busy these days and actually, I don't have much time." or It's perfectly ok to repeat (1) again. Don't say it with any anger, that's not necessary. Or, simply say “No, I’d prefer not to.” Give yourself permission to say it!

Visualization and rehearsal will give you the winning edge. And, providing no 'NS' to him will drive the point home.

Also picture some bland verbal responses such as "I'm glad to hear that N." "I'm doing very well actually, thanks for asking."

Visual imagery techniques and rehearsal work and take the fear out of the inevitable.

Wear some object (ie a ring, something on your keychain, earrings, something you look at every day that we call our “freedom (object)”. It help mentally refocus on our goals and commitment..

During our Days of Desparation

Many time we face very stressful days when we are emotionally,physically and psychologically driven to our knees. Take things second by second. Your thinking should focus on the present, internalization, use Thought Stopping to prevent those thoughts that further weaken us. As we walk, think “I’m moving my left leg” and now “I’m moving my right leg” or while washing up dished think “I’m washing the outside of the glass, now the inside”. Keep focused on the present only. Movement by movement. Give healing a chance. Cry, allow yourself to feel your emotions. We get through this awful stage bit by bit. Nurture yourself. Hug yourself. Take special care of your mind by remembering the person you were before this happened. Like a butterfly in the cocoon stage we need this time. It cannot be rushed. Dig deep and hang in there!

Various Stress Reduction Techniques:

Some links are provided FYI, but we encourage you to seek out more information on any that interest you. A recommended search engine: http://www.google.ca/

Professional Psychotherapy
Journalling (journal like crazy) – excellent therapy
Anti anxiety medication (anxiolytics)
Acupuncture/Hypnosis/Naturopathy/
Aerobics/Walking/Fitness/Weight Lifting/Stretching Exercises
Martial Arts/Punching Bag
Reconnect with your inner child – colouring books, favourite childhood toys (these remind us of our roots and reconnect to our moral compass – a kind of reparenting, regrowth.
Awareness of what creates stress – avoid it – eg are you a people pleaser? Haven’t yet learned the technique of saying :No, Self awareness of what makes us tick, warts and all can be a good thing.
Breathing Techniques
‘Can Do’ Attitude – Positive Thinking
Herbal/Aromatherapy
Lamaze Breathing (yup – the type used for childbirth)
Reiki
Research some writings about self discipline and will power
Stress Reduction Techniques
Music Therapy
Writing, Poetry, Painting, craftwork
Yoga, baby sets to exercise and healthier eating
Treats for ourselves
Cooking/food / chocolate therapy (always a favourite !!)
Retail Therapy (a little shopping and a little treat for ourselves.

One of the hardest things for us to ‘get’ is the reality of the disorders of the loved ones who have hurt us. Accepting their lack of empathy is shocking. On average, our recovery can be 2-4 years. As I was once told “As we learn about mental problems we learn a lot about ourselves along the way too.” As, learn as much as you can as fast as you can and protect yourself financially and emotionally. Mentally devalue and discard your abuser. They don’t deserve a minute’s thought. As one member said about abusers at the end of relationships “The horse is dead, dismount.” You’re entitled to be angry so as my doctor told me when I felt that anger, go punch a pillow (picture his face on it LOL).

SELF DISCIPLINE AND WILL POWER
”The Terrible Two’s”

“Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.”
from Desiderata, Max Ehrman

The clean cut separation we need so desperately is elusive and difficult to maintain. We’re often into Obsessive Thinking. This occurs with many of our members. The good news is – it ends. The bad news is that those thoughts often lead us into “N-dipping’. The very best therapists tell us strongly and repeatedly to avoid any contact with our abuser. We need this time to get away from the crazy behaviour antics, to learn and find answers.
The effect of "Distance Distortion" begin to play tricks with our minds. After a while we mentally minimize the damage they’ve done. We remember good times and forget the hurt) and we lapse into magical thinking. Refresh that list of nasty things he did and get some of those articles and faqs of Sam Vaknin’s that really zing in on what he is and read them with your breakfast cereal. It’ll keep you focused on the reality. This abuser will be working 24/7 to appear to be a victimized angel to his audience.

What is will power? It is the inner strength to make a decision, take action, and handle and execute any aim or task until it is accomplished, regardless of inner and outer resistance, discomfort or difficulties. It bestows the ability to overcome laziness, temptations and negative habits, and to carry out actions, even if they require effort, are unpleasant and tedious or are contrary to one’s habits. What is self discipline? It is the rejection of instant gratification in favor of something better. It is the giving up of instant pleasure and satisfaction for a higher and better goal.
Developing Willpower and Self Discipline
http://www.successconsciousness.com/index_00002c.htm

Are we always successful? No. We’re all human and have failings. The very best therapists say “No Contact”. We need that precious time to escape from the crazy antics of our abusers, to heal both physically and emotionally and to learn. So, you’ve ‘slipped and dipped’. Go easy on yourself. Perhaps we’re trying to fix them, or we’re hooked back in by false promises. We may see change, but all too soon discover it’s false. We may need to reprove to ourselves they truly do have this disorder. If this happens, protect yourself financially and emotionally.

Fall seven times, stand up eight. Japanese Proverb

* * * * *

Our Obsessive Thinking
http://groups.msn.com/NARCISSISTICPERSONALITYDISORDER/ourobsessivethinking.msnw

"How many people we know who sour their lives, who ruin all that is sweet and beautiful by explosive tempers...How few people we meet in life who are well balanced, who have that natural and exquisite poise which is characteristic of the finished character. Self-control is strength. Thought is mastery. Calmness is power."-- Dr. Phillip Welsh author of Seven Essentials of Health
Raging and Ragers
http://www.web-street.com/thingsarelookinup/Abuse/Rage-Anger.shtml

Recommended site: Emotional Memory Management
http://www.drjoecarver.com/memory.html

oaktree · Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 359 Location: Minnesota

this is great. helps to be patient. thats what I need to remember! Laughing

music helps alot too.

karasal · Joined: 19 Feb 2007 Posts: 3

I find music helps a great deal for coping with any aftermath of abuse from an N. Now that is of course unless a song triggers me and that can happen too Confused

I hate that Mad

I enjoy meditation too as a stress reliever. Like they say, if you say it long enough you will believe it. I make statements and I truly believe them, such as I am lovable and can take good care of me. It does work and first you believe it and then you start seeing it happen.

Take good care everyone and have a great day, stress free

Karasal Cool

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Have a great day everyone

song that jane likes · Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 215

Wow, I'm definitely going to try the refocusing technique - and anything that can get me to stop the awful thoughts from destroying my productivity.

I'm also going to practice how to deal with him should he ever try to contact me, so I'll be prepared even if I'm surprised.

I am, however, disheartened to read that our recovery takes 2-4 years on the average.

OxDrover · Joined: 13 May 2007 Posts: 1465 Location: Arkansas USA

Thank you for this thread...one of the things that has comforted me is reading philosophy. Samuel Johnson, the British writer from the 1700s did many essays and a short novel on "happiness" and what makes us moral and happy.

Socrates wrote "they deem him the worst enemy who tells them the truth" and if you think about it, he was so right. Telling the TRUTH to an N/P, N or P makes you an "enemy"--they will never accept it, so why bother to say it?

Tomorrow I am going on a canoe trip with a friend. Today I am going as soon as I finish this, with my Border Collie and his goats, out into the fields and let the dog "work" and the goats graze--make them both happy. And I will just stand there and watch, contented.
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Life is lived forward, but understood backwards.