Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

thayilflies · member Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 526

I was at the pub and I met a guy called Johnny. His parents were junkies and split, his father was also a bastard. They split and all his siblings went to live with his mother, he told me chose to live with his father at 11 because he didn't want his old man to be lonely. His parents were too dysfunctional to care for his younger brothers, so at 13 until 18 he cared for his bros while completing school. He didn't see is mother for nine years. He matriculated with a score of 98 and went to university for a year, his mother didn't believe him at 20 when he told her. He then dropped out and became a fisherman - which he does now and is why he is in town - earns 2.5k a week. He said he does most all of the work and gets treated like shit, he said it was only the money that kept him in it. I asked him what he wanted to do and he told me he wanted to be a comedian. I asked him why he didn't do it and he said he didn't belong in the spotlight. I said that is not true (this guy had all the charisma in the world to do that), he said no I'm the guy who clears the stage for the main act. At this point I realised that Johnny had sacrificed himself his whole life for other people. From the moment he left home to live with his father, to guys he works for who treat him like shit to his friend he was buying drinks for - a 51 year old alcoholic ex junkie, a friend of his old man. He couldn't see his talent. He belongs on the stage, in the spotlight but everyone has stolen the limelight from him his whole life because he sacrificed his own well being for others. I realised I was the same.

When I heard this story I was touched, we were both holding back the tears as he told me this - I could see the scared child in his eyes. I don't think anyone had ever given him the time of day and his life was a series of monumental achievements and he was perhaps the most intelligent person I've met who is a similar age. He spoke like a fisherman but his wisdom was incredible. I'll never forget him. At the end of the night I shook his hand and told him he was a hero.

I guess I'm sharing this because everyone had hated him his whole life and he'd made it 25 with all these achievements - he also played ice hockey for Australia - and his integrity was intact although he was a mess. Against the odds he'd done all these incredible things and got no recognition. I have shared but a few of the details, there was more but the details are hazy due to intoxication at the time.

That same night I also met a guy who'd be stabbed six times in England, died, and recovered. He went to the airport with no money, no insurance, no friends, no family and pleaded for a ticket - and scored a free ticket home. His sister let him stay with her for two weeks and then was forced to reunite with his crazy mother who used to make him vacuum the floor every morning and then poor a bucket of cold water on him if I did a bad job. He was 28 but looked 45. He was a wise man with a lot to offer, I think that is why he was allowed a second chance.

justmee · member Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 691

Thayilflies.....Johnny sounds like quite a person. His life sounds very unhappy. I think alot of people give up the spotlight to do what they feel is the responsible thing (taking care of his brothers). In that itself, he is a hero. Did he drop out because of his mother not believing him or was it something else?
I have a feeling you are doing alot of soul searching, you are in my thoughts. I know youre life is kinda turn upside down right now. I hope I did not overstep any boundries, just want you to know that I do care...

justmee

seekingserenity · member Joined: 14 Mar 2007 Posts: 179

Hi Thay,

Thanks for the post and for sharing your insight about the people you have met. I admire you. You made the decision that was right for you -- not anyone else. I agree with Justmee: You are doing a lot of soul searching. You have a lot to offer us, your friends, the world. Keep sharing with us!

Serenity

Riccy101 · member Joined: 18 Feb 2007 Posts: 287

Hi Thay!

I'm excited because I was finally able to log on. Very Happy

I hate it when you want to write back so badly and the site's not working.

Your friend that you met in the Pub that night, really does have a heart of gold. Even his dream job of being a Comedian is one of contribution to others. You're right. He is a hero. So are you. You probably gave him more that night, than he had experienced in his whole life. Heroes aren't born from a life of privilege. They are born from pain. You'd never see a spoiled kid sacrificing for others, the way he did. Nor will you see a spoiled kid actually listening, caring and learning from others, as you did for him.

Thay, you have so much to offer. Don't look at your circumstances as a sign of failure. Don't give up your dreams. I believe certain circumstances help us to grow and mature. Pain humbles us and burns out the impurities.

You have a good heart. That's something your parents didn't have. They couldn't teach it to you by example. But look at you! You're not like them. I'm not like my parents. The ordinary guy, raised in an ordinary home life, doesn't look at life through the same prism, that perhaps we do. You learn a certain appreciation for goodness, that you just can't learn from reading books.

I like what Justme wrote to you. So many people here care about you, Thay. That fisherman, Johnny, got to experience what WE experience from you. That's what makes you special.

You're not alone in this, Thay. We're here for you.

BTW, Don't quit school.

Riccy

thayilflies · member Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 526

Riccy101 · member Joined: 18 Feb 2007 Posts: 287

Hi Thay.

thayilflies · member Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 526

Riccy: please respect my decision to end my education. Why should I pursue something that: a)makes me unhappy, b)I find uninteresting and pointless, c)denies my talents, d)wastes my time, e)wastes other peoples' time and f)affects my peace of mind. As I told my uncle, I'm closing more doors than I open by remaining at university. I disagree with you: life is my oyster, I can do what the hell I want and I can be a great man without a university degree. I know how to scrap, I know how to work hard, and I understand people. I have more skills than any degree can offer, sure it doesn't guarantee me a job but nor do I care. I'm more productive working as a cleaner, as one of the people. No matter what I do I will never be a loser because I'm prepared to make courageous decisions and I'm never complacent or lazy. Life is my oyster.

SpiritShell · member Joined: 24 Mar 2007 Posts: 377 Location: Canada

There is no shame in dropping university. Thayilflies will find where he needs to be. Life isn't all about degrees. There are plenty of options out there. I have friends who didn't even graduate high school who are doing fine. Its your choice, dude, I have no doubts you made the right one if you're happy with it. Glad you didn't feel the pressure to stay where you didn't like. Heck, you may find something later you'd rather take.

University is expensive. There have been studies that have shown there is an average of 3 career changes in a person's life, and usually you throw yourself into 4 years to get a degree. My brother has been getting degree after masters after degree and I will probably be making as much as him after a 10 month diploma course!! Not all investments pay off, especially with the way the job market changes.
_________________
"Why are narcissists not prone to suicide? Simple: they died a long time ago."

justmee · member Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 691

I have a feeling you will land on youre feet too. Just know that we are out here if you need a shoulder.

Hope you had a good day,
justmee

thayilflies · member Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 526

Thanks Justmee, it gives me great confidence to know I have somewhere to turn because my parents obviously aren't available. I haven't been this excited about life in a long while but I'm also apprehensive because I know I'm jumping in the deep end without floaties. I'm selling all my shit and I'm going to move so I'm excited but I'm also thinking to myself: "you crazy bastard what are you doing?" Anyway, I figure my wisdom, good judgement and ability to charm the opposite sex can only work in my favour.

justmee · member Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 691

Lol, I am sure that sense of humor will see you thru also. When I read youre post, I thought to myself...what a adventure. I am not sure of youre age but if you have no responsibilities...wife, kid...then, enjoy youre adventure.
I do have to tell you, my son came to me the other day and told me he has decided to go to our university. He will be leaving in July. He will be 23. He moved out when he was 18, then asked if he could come home to save money. Since then he has worked two jobs and managed to put enough away to pay for his education. So he told me he will be leaving... he is renting a place with two girls. I told him, go, be happy in what you do, but remember you always have a room. You will always have us Thayilflies. So, I guess I would tell you, go, be safe, have fun and know that we are always here...
no matter what..

thayilflies · member Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 526

Good for your kid. Sounds like he is self-sufficient and has got himself a plan, hopefully the right one. For me, the right plan was withdrawing from university but I am a different proposition. I read on the toilet door at uni: "the reason individuals specialize in various disciplines is because there is not enough time to know or do everything" - we all contribute in our own way (some more than others), a way that should be dictated by our talents. The hard part is unearthing those talents. I am fortunate that I'm young and unbound: no partner, no kid, no posessions, no debt, no plans. I could jump on a plane tomorrow without fuss, I even have a new phone number in my wallet should I sever ties completely with my friends (which I probably will because I haven't got much time for them anymore: they are demanding and needy and don't do shit for me unless it suits them). It is exciting and I'm fortunate to be in such a position, no doubt. But I think I've earned my freedom too, I've made a lot of courageous and unpopular decisions and tackled life with balls to be where I am. I've also sacrificed a lot in order to maintain my integrity. My life has been an adventure already, a painful one - I wish the adventure to become a joyful one, I think it will. It is ironic how your suffering is your liberation. Were it not for the pain and hardship, I'd never be in this situation.

Cricket · member Joined: 27 Feb 2007 Posts: 113

Sounds like me several shed epidermal layers ago. A friend of mine bought me a book called "Work Your Way Around The World", which was very helpful while I was out there wandering about the big old planet.

But never think that physical distance will kill those demons that color the way that you react to certain situations and personalities. You will never be able to run away; as you noted, your bad adventures up to this point have formed the person that you are. The trick is to not let them rule you. Understand them, accept them, demystify them. I am reminded of a Gnarls Barkley lyric,

So what went right
What went wrong
Was it a story or was it a song
Was it overnight
Or did it take you long
Was knowing your weakness what made you strong

For all the above
Oh how I love to see you smiling
An oh yeah
Take a little pain just in case

You need something warm to embrace
To help you put on a smiley face

The whole song is very much about accepting pain as a part of life. When a couple is married in the Jewish tradition they smash a glass to conclude the ceremony. It's an acceptance of an imperfect future, and the couple's commitment to facing strife together. I love the honesty in that.

So knowing that you can't really run away from anything, find something that makes your blood run faster and run towards that. I, for one, am very interested to see where you land.

thayilflies · member Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 526

I enjoyed the Gnarls Barkley record immensily. It is not necessarily my cup-o-tea in terms of musical style but I listened to that record a lot, particularly Crazy and Just A Thought.

You can't run but you can relocate. I see my decision as a rational one, based on intuition and commonsense. My destination is to be a place of residence: I have no desire to travel aimlessly around the world sleeping in backpackers and eating shit. That aint my idea of fun or time well spent. What I desire is to settle down somewhat, and if that is not to be well that is OK. One step at a time and the first step is to relocate and if required I am prepared to cut my friends off. Perhaps it wont be required, time will tell.

Cricket · member Joined: 27 Feb 2007 Posts: 113

I wandered the world for years and while I can't be completely certain, I don't think that I ever ate shit. I ate kebobs and borekas and persimmons and curry and intestines and coconut rice and orange peppers stolen from a farm. I drank ouzo and raki and Guinness so thick it you could almost chew it.

My travelling wasn't aimless--I wanted to challenge all that I knew about myself and did so by putting myself in unfamiliar territory. Travel is good in that it is a series of dress rehearsals for real life--you meet people, you interact, you find out what you're comfortable with and what you can't accept, and you move on to apply the new knowledge in a new place. When you know what you want, you settle down. If I hadn't taken those risks, I don't know if I would have the courage to live my life the way that I do today, with a fearlessness that comes from experience.

If the idea of that kind of challenge doesn't appeal to you, by all means follow your own path, but take care not to make sweeping statements about things which you know nothing about. The steps that you've taken are healthy and empowering, but they are only the first steps.