Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

PUZZLED · Joined: 15 Apr 2007 Posts: 5

Hi

Since my children found a mate I have felt that I live in a blender. They are both on thier own both in their 30's

I never knew what a N was mainly because we never let her go 'without' and we were both too accommodating to her needs so she never really had to "use us" because we always had something she wanted and always were sucked in by her manipulation.

We noticed it first (too late) in my daughter. We couldn't understand why
she became so nasty and then we realized that everytime she had a man
in her life and he wasn't around, she wanted to be with him she would
start an argument with my wife and then run out the door.

Call a few weeks later like nothing happened. Never apologize. And if
you brought it up she would blame me or my wife for provoking her.

After she breaks up with them or they break up with her, she comes
around and is actually OK. When she meets a man she is totally obsessed with them and there is nothing she won't do for them.

She met a man who I think is another N. He works and has a good
job but can't see passed his surfboard and fishing boat. He will not
spend 1 minute with us if it interferes with his surfboarding or fishing although he professes to like us. We had a disagreement about this
just before they were engaged and he told me that he would accept any
invitation that I give him, but when the "day of" comes, if the weather is
nice or the surf is up, he will definitely cancel it. So this means seeing him
and getting to know him is contingent on the weather and if my wife is left with a dinner on the table "oh well". We found out later that when they
were first dating after about a year we wanted to meet him. My daughter
would tell us that he was coming up to dinner and then show up with
her girlfriends and make excuses for him which we initially believed, but
then caught on and the disagreement started. She did this several times.
After reading us the riot act and not hearing from her for about 9 months she called and said that they were eloping and wanted us to go. At the advice of our therapist we called and said we need to discuss what happened. Her now husband is from a very well-to-do family that he told us "discusses nothing" everything is swept under the run until it resurfaces and then it is swept under again. He was taught that "time heals" My wife and I are from families that like to discuss things and each understand everyones feelings and perceptions which is usually
the simple answer. However, he thought it was all not necessary and didn't want to talk because "I was too close minded" Maybe I am when
it comes to family values. I have family and friends that would like to
meet him and we would like to get to know him.
Anyway, they eloped to the Carribean with his parents who just happend to bring 30 people from their family! When we found out we were crushed.

We haven't had contact for 2 years and then this guy sends me an
e-mail on Christmas and wants to bring his parents over to our house!

About an apology....about the wedding...an explanation?

NO he said in his email "time will heal"

He actually thinks his family didn't do anything wrong!

I actually had to explain to him that we are not up to that yet.....first
we must try to get a relationship with our daughter....and him......and
then maybe way way way down the road with his parents who never
told us about the wedding and I talked to them both about a month
prior to explain to them why we were not going to the ELOPEMENT!

Recently, I talked my daughter and brought up the wedding. I could
hear him in the background and he didn't seem happy. I told my
daughter we could forgive this but we must understand what happened
and have assurances that we will not be excluded from any further
life events. So I asked her to select a date that we could get together
and she said she would call. That was two weeks ago ...no calls since.

Someone help me! Am I the going crazy?

Puzzled

femfree · Site Admin Joined: 11 Feb 2007 Posts: 655

I can't tell you what to do, but what I can say is that I see the typically sneaky N behaviour - he wants to put you all in a nice social setting where everybody is nice/nice and the N won't be grilled about his behaviour.

Please do give yourself permission to stop any contact you feel is not healthy for you.

What are they snooping around for now? hmmmm I smell a rat and I can't say why, but alarm bells are going off in my head that he's up to something.
_________________
Nothing is easier than to denounce the evildoer;
nothing is more difficult than to understand him.
Fyodor Dostoevsky