Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

Chrissie712 · Joined: 28 Mar 2007 Posts: 45

It really means so much me to read all your stories!! I’ve been struggling with this little or NC-thing for over 20 years now... On my own, not knowing about other people’s experiences at all. Your stories support me a lot in my decision, or rather conclusion that NC is the only peaceful option, in my case anyway. The latest NC-period lasts 6 years now.
Six years ago, after an almost-NC-episode of 16 years, I found out that Ndad had started a correspondence with my ex-partner, with whom I had lived for 7 years. They never had had any contact before, Ndad never heard his last name, ex wasn’t listed anywhere, but he had dug up his name and address somehow. They exchanged letters for I don’t know how long, behind my back. No doubt somebody was looking for NS.

I had a policy of not reacting to anything. But here I was provoked so deeply, I felt like I couldn’t stop being angry. (I got help for that.) So for a change I broke the NC and I send him a very honest, very angry but civilized letter, for the first time without sparing him. I mentioned the Nword for the first time. I meant every word I wrote. He had crossed my boundaries and I didn’t want him to dream of doing that ever again. (I had a talk with my ex, too, of course. But he didn’t really understand. You have to know a N before you understand.)
The response was like a salvo. A six page letter was sent to my sister (!? She probably finally had to know the truth about me...), five pages were about me. My S didn’t let me read it. It was too horrible. But I knew the story all my life: I was a born mental patient, disfunctioning in life, especially my social life; he had probably done everything he possibly could to ‘help’ me, but he had lost this battle, etc. etc. etc. And of course he was the greatest victim of them all.

But...my dear fellow-members.... a very loud and clear NO with the insulting truth about how I honestly thought of him keeps the N away (at least for a while)!! Combined with not sending him my new address after I moved, an unlisted phone number, and being very careful about what information about me appears on the internet, it’s been peace and quiet around here. The letter seemed to have convinced him that the NS-well was really dry now. No shots available anymore.

I have to admit what others have written here so often, too: NC is a relief!!!! Normal life is great, normal people are a blessing. It’s very tough to get to that stage, though, you don’t divorce a parent just like that. The path towards NC is full of anger, guilt, doubt-doubt-doubt, agony, confusion, displaced ideas on responsability, and feeling like a failure. But a N will not change nor see one bit of what you mean. Although I am convinced that he is suffering, I can’t do anything about that except being a NS-prostitute (--sorry for that).
I see it like this: a very long time ago my real dad was swallowed by an ever-consuming crazy dragon that took his place. This dragon attached an invisible umbilical cord to my aura. It sucked it empty completely and dashed me back and forth, until I was almost insane. Then I cut the cord rigourously. He should be somewhere inside the dragon probably, but for the world I think he is lost. That is what I have to grieve, long before the dragon dies.

I am not a promotor of NC in all cases. But: if you have made up your mind to go NC, then avoid feeding the dragon as much as you can. Move away if you can, get an unlisted number and caller-ID, stack away those letters and burn them unread, become invisible. If that’s what is needed for you and your family to feel at ease and secure, to get a normal life and to heal, than do it.

But I’m still very very very sorry to put it this way. After 22 years it still hurts.

->Is there anybody out there who had NC for a long time, too? How do you deal with that after such a long time? Without staying angry and stubborn? And if a Nparent has died after NC, what did this mean to you?

Sorry I’ve spilled my guts here like this. I guess I feel like talking, now that there are finally folks who can understand this stuff. (Most therapists don’t understand, either.) That’s really great.
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"We are destroyed, not by the rebels, not by the nazis. We are actually destroyed, very often, by conformity. I think it is better to go down failing, than to conform" - John le Carré

amybrad1971 · Joined: 08 Mar 2007 Posts: 114

NC for 7 years with my mom...I see her as dead...once all contact from her side stopped...I started mourning her as if she were dead. I don't know why I did that...I guess it was easier than mourning the fact I couldn't have her the way I needed her and she was still a warm breathing person...(if that makes sense?) I miss having a mom...not her. The freedom that came with my acceptance that she was no longer a live thing in my life .. has been what I needed for so long! I am open now to the love and the support and the warmth that I struggled so hard for from her. See I spent so many years trying to be the daughter...trying to get her to see me for who I was...so many years trying to get her to be proud of me...accept me..I closed myself off to others in my life that were willing to do all that I needed. My focus was right on her...I was blind to others who loved me..NORMAL.

Now that I am free...I reunited with my childhood sweetheart...the man that always loved me...(I let my mother get in the way) I let the need for my mothers acceptance blinded me to him and I left him...I chose her. Now?? I have married him...we have been together for 7 years...and it has been total bliss!! I married my best friend...my soul mate!!

I am currently in a similar situation with my Nfather tho...one that we are going to fix As soon as we can...and I will be free again...when we do leave my Nfather...it will be COMPLETE NC all the way...its truly the only way if you want to be left alone...you want to be free...

I commend you on your strength and making it this far...it's not an easy path to chose at first...it takes a lot out of you...but its so worth it in the end!

Kuddos to you!!

((hugs))

Amy
_________________
Alice:“What if I take the red AND blue pill? I'll be normal sized? Rabbit:“But then you can’t play the game Alice.”

justmee · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 692

Hi, its nice to meet you. I think I could learn alot from you. I have only been NC since last August. Right now she is trying to get to me thru my kids, who are grown.
I have to say, I have had a lot of ups and downs.

Welcome to the group,

justmee

sheenie2000 · Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 169 Location: North Carolina

I hear ya! especially on the therapist part. They don't understand NPD. I dont think ppl get it completely unless they LIVED it.

My Nmom died this past Sept. I felt guilty for a few months afterwards. Like I should have done more or tried more. I was still angry also and holding resentment. But it passed. The guilt is pretty much gone thankfully. I know there is absolutely NOTHIGN i can do now bc she's gone. While she was living, there's more guilt bc u always feel like there is hope. Now there is no hope at all, so eventually it's like oh well...time to move on. Nothing more i can do so you have to let it go.

There's still a sense of loss though. ANytime someone talks about their loving mother, that's painful. Or watching a mother daughter on tv. I just think that's not fair. Sad

I get this twinge of jealousy even though life is pretty good right now, i still feel it. Wish I could let that go.
_________________
"Happiness is not an accident. Nor is it something you wish for. Happiness is something you design." - Jim Rohn

seekingserenity · Joined: 14 Mar 2007 Posts: 179

Hi Chrissie,

Welcome and thanks for your post. Whew -- that's just awful the response you got back from your Ndad when you wrote the honest letter. But typical N, as you say, and a reminder to all of us: what the N will do when we confront them.

You wrote about NC: "It’s very tough to get to that stage, though, you don’t divorce a parent just like that. The path towards NC is full of anger, guilt, doubt-doubt-doubt, agony, confusion, displaced ideas on responsability, and feeling like a failure."

Thanks for that insight. Those stages have also been my experience -- and you summed it up well. I'm somewhere in the midst of doubt and feeling like a failure (like I should be able to "blow off or ignore" the lousy things she does and says). But mostly I want the peace that comes from NC!

--Serenity

AndIAloneSurvived1 · Joined: 25 Mar 2007 Posts: 41 Location: North Carolina

Hi Chrissie,

My mom died when I was 16 so obviously NC there. I first tried going NC with my N-dad when I left home at 17 (about 35 years ago), but really only succeeded in totally cutting contact about 10 years ago. My brother and I would trade off being the N-dad's designated victim. One year when it was his turn, he invited N-dad to come for Christmas, and got a multipage angry letter in response ending with he "didn't want to see an overindulged 4-year old being spoiled some more", referring to my brother's girlfriend's child, whom he had never met. "If there's going to be a Christmas this year it's going to be at OUR house!" was the other line I remember. My brother was angry but of course not angry enough to actually confront him.

The last ten years have been the happiest of my life. I am the only one of my siblings (2 girls and a boy) to ever marry. Needless to say I did not even consider introducing my beautiful wife to any of my sick family.
_________________

"Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord" -Romans 12:18-20

Chrissie712 · Joined: 28 Mar 2007 Posts: 45

Thanks very much everyone for your honest and frank replies. It chokes me up a little....

Amy: your story is incredible. What you say about mourning your M as if she were dead makes sense. You make me realize that perhaps I'm not fully thru that stage yet.
I am so glad for you that you're finally able to open your heart for real love. I can relate to your process, Ive chased away so many men without even being aware that I was doing that. I married at 41. A bit late, Cool

but it was worth going thru all the trouble first. I am now very happy with my husband, too. Love is wonderful and healing. I hope you will regain your freedom soon, too.
Thank you!!!
(BTW I love your quote!!)

Thanks, Justmee, for your welcome. It must be really tough if it's not just you who's involved in this process with your M, but your children are aimed at, too. A N will just try anything. Can your children handle this??

amybrad1971 · Joined: 08 Mar 2007 Posts: 114

Aww I dunno if it's a stage...just how I handled things...I tried to get away from her several times over the years prior but always ended up going back. I had a need for her...strike that...I had a need for a mother...and I always ended up flat on my face. More bruised and broken than I was. My First attempt at NC with her I moved far away, I had a wonderful man, a wonderful job and a wonderful life. I had that for about 2 and a half years...and she found me. It took her ONE day to unravel it all. She convinced me to come back home. I ended up divorcing my wonderful husband, lost my wonderful job and became her prisoner once again.

When I reunited with my childhood sweetheart...there was just NO WAY she was going to take him away from me too...I lost so much NORMAL love due to her...and NORMAL love feels so wonderful... Wink

I tossed her out of my life for good. I chose to be loved and to return my love in the most wonderful ways imaginable...(later only to find what I was feeling is what everyone feels...LOL just normal...LMAO) I Have no choice but to see my mom as dead...if I don't...there is a chance I will some how once again bend and allow her to enter my life and destroy all that I have once again. It's for MY protection....from myself. ..and my need for a mom...not her...but a mom.

So I don't know if it's a stage...just what I needed to do to make sure I remained free. I have a wonderful older lady friend that I consider my mom...she has been the best friend...the confidant...the warm body when I am hurting...it's not blood that makes a mom...and I have been so lucky to find her...She stood for me at my wedding...I have a younger lady friend that I consider my mom too...and my sister...LOL her wisdom has helped me through so much ...and her paling around with me...and loving me the way she does...yeah...I have a Normal family...in them..

it takes more than blood...and title to be a family...it takes real LOVE...and had I not gone NC I would of never been able to see those around me...so willing to love me the way I always wanted to be loved and accepted..<3

I'm so glad you found your hubby...who cares at what age!!...its NEVER EVER too late for love...ever!!! <3 <3

(((HUGS!!)))

Amy

PS. Chrissy, I recall after going NC and being freshly married I was always waiting for the hammer to drop, when I would make a mistake...a REAL mistake. I would always expect the worst response from my husband, and would always be so shocked at his loving replies. Did you go through that? I still kind of go through that with my friends too...getting better..but I find myself doing that in new relationships...still...not as bad..just wondering if you do too.
_________________
Alice:“What if I take the red AND blue pill? I'll be normal sized? Rabbit:“But then you can’t play the game Alice.”

Chrissie712 · Joined: 28 Mar 2007 Posts: 45

Hi Amy, thanks for your reply. You must have become a very wise person after getting over everything you've been tru.

It's wonderful that you've found your "family"! I always think real friends are like "chosen" family.

I do indeed remember being constantly afraid for the hammer to drop. But it was a bit different. I was afraid to make a mistake, to expose too much of the 'real me' for instance, so that friends or my (ex-)partner would "finally find out the truth about me" and would kick me out of their lives. I remember feeling very insecure about that for quite some time. But that healed during the years. It pops up only very rarely now.
I also remember a sort of "acting out"-behaviour I had at the beginning of my first long time relationship. I could get very angry and upset about minor things. Like I was "testing" the love of my partner. I remember I didn't know where all that rage came from. Not something to be proud of. But that (almost) healed, too, now. It took years. (Special thanks to my hb, who never mistakes me for my -temporary- anger... Embarassed

That is like a bonus. Or love, actually.... Bless him.....)

Like you say, without the NC-status I cannot imagine that these long term "processes" would have taken the right direction.

I have a wonderful, sweet and loving, NORMAL F-i-L. But no matter how long the NC lasts, I cannot really see him as a surrogate father. He is a pretty close person, and we can always count on him (and on M-i-L). But it scares me to let him get too close, or consider him a father.
I'll think about what you describe about considering N-parent dead. Thát I didn't do yet. (Strange...) I understand that's how you protect yourself. Maybe it will get me one step further.

Thanks (((hugs))) for sharing!.....

Chrissie
_________________
"We are destroyed, not by the rebels, not by the nazis. We are actually destroyed, very often, by conformity. I think it is better to go down failing, than to conform" - John le Carré