Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

seekingserenity · Joined: 14 Mar 2007 Posts: 179

Nmom just called here about 30 minutes ago. My husband looked at the caller ID and said it was her. We did not answer. He checked the voicemail -- no message.

She sent my daughter the birthday gifts that arrived earlier this week. My new boundaries of NC: no thank you card for her. NC.

So Nmom is calling looking for NS. She's "checking" to see if we got the package since she hasn't heard anything (you ingrate -- I can just "hear" her say).

I will not call her and I will not write to her to acknowledge the "gift." Her birthday is next week and I will not send a card. She will go ballistic. What will happen next? A nasty VM, nasty letter, will she come here -- will I tell her to go or I am calling the police?

I've got the stomach ache inside now. It feels like fear. Fear of her tirade when I finally, completely, ignore her with NC. I want her to go away and find some other NS. I am not looking forward to the immediate future, though -- the upcoming weeks -- or months -- when the shit hits the fan.

I knew this would happen. The calls would start -- to find out if we got her MF presents. I am looking forward to being on the other side of this -- after she "gets it" that I'm done. This is a new chapter for me. I've never completely ignorned her gifts or blown her off like this. I feel agitated.

--Serenity

justmee · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 692

I am sure youre stomach is hurting. You are under alot of stress, just sitting there waiting and knowing that phone is going to ring is so hard.

When I did not answer my moms last phone call, she came to my house. I just happened to be outside, she pulled up blowing her horn, slamming her door and she was walking with such anger. The first thing she asked, what did I ever do to you. I did not answer, then she asked why didnt you pick up the phone. My answer, I told you I was switching meds and was not going to have contact with anyone as my body got use to them.

The answer was not good enough even though it was the truth. Then she said something about my kids not respecting her and I just lost it. I started to shake and yell. Her last words, well I guess I was a horrible mom and she left.

It took all I had to not answer her or go after her, I felt horrible, like such a bad kid and for the next week my stomach killed me. But ya know what, I made it thru and so will you.

You sound as if you have a great husband, just hang tight to him for strength and us for courage....

We are with ya,
justmee

Pretty_Lady · Joined: 17 Feb 2007 Posts: 554

seekingserenity,
What I am learning is every time I do not respond to what my family expects I am setting a new boundaries. You teach people by your actions how you want to be treated. But I also learned every time this happens I need to be ready to take the hit and therefore I stand strong because my decision is final and i will no longer be used and abused by my family. We ALL have only one life to live.
So, you are taking the next step and she will react accordingly. She will learn a new limit, but she will come up with a new trick. I am not sure how exactly you live your normal life without these people constantly trying to suck you in in their sick game.
Every time she contacts you by phone or any other way to upset you, stop and acknowledge your fear. Then slowly put it behind and remember it's just one ocean wave that will arrive and definitely will leave.
Seekingserenity, we are all in this together.
PL
_________________
The way out is through the door you came in.
R.D. Laing

seekingserenity · Joined: 14 Mar 2007 Posts: 179

Thank you justmee and PL. The vision of your Nmom pulling up to your house -- I can see it -- that's exactly what they do! I can see my Nmom doing that. They are like kooks from outer space. Thank you for the encouragement and support. I thought about the fear and what's behind a lot of it is anger (because she's invading my peace). PL -- you're right, they'll just find a new trick to try to get some NS. Hugs, Serenity.

Riccy101 · Joined: 18 Feb 2007 Posts: 287

Hi Seeking.

Remember the perspective of seeing "the glass as half full or half empty"? The fact that your NM is beginning to "seek" NS from you and that you sense what is happening in the form of FEAR, shows one indomitable truth...and that is that you are WINNING. I can not say this enough on this board. ACON's are so used to avoiding the "wrath" of our N's, that we fail to learn what it feels like to SUCCEED! You are SUCCEEDING in your mission. Your NM's response is proof of that fact, not failure or blunder on your part!

N's rage when they lose control of valuable NS. It is to be expected. In fact, it is very predictable. Keep up the good work! Join us here, who have walked in your shoes and graduated from the school of N.

Keep posting. Keep us up to date. We'll help you keep your chin up.

Always remember, N's have NO power...except the power we GIVE them. Don't play into their hands. Don't give them any more power.

Good work!

Riccy

SpiritShell · Joined: 24 Mar 2007 Posts: 377 Location: Canada

Congratulations on your new chapter Very Happy

. You're doing it.. and I'm really glad for you.

It feels foreign, huh - so its scary - but exhilarating! The fighting free, thats what you are. And then you wonder about them going off the deep end.. and what they'll pull next.. and for the first little while its like EEK at everything. But it will settle, and you will continue to win your battle as you stand your ground. Oh, its great, isn't it? Some days I feel like William Wallace yelling "FREEDOMMMM!"
_________________
"Why are narcissists not prone to suicide? Simple: they died a long time ago."

seekingserenity · Joined: 14 Mar 2007 Posts: 179

Thanks Spirit and Riccy. Yes -- the rage part will be coming soon and I'll keep you posted. As you said Spirit -- we don't know what they'll pull -- but now that I know it's part of her predictable pattern, I think I won't take it as personally.

She called here again yesterday, twice. We didn't answer.

I talked to someone yesterday at a 12-step meeting -- he's been NC with biological family for several years. He says he can't imagine being in a relationship with them. I liked that perspective -- he gets to decide who he's in it with, and he can't imagine it, so he's not. He's not letting guilt and obligation run the show. (Like I have, and I am trying to stop.)

rossdudley · Joined: 19 Feb 2007 Posts: 32

I am in the same shoes as you and can so totally relate to where you are at in the process. In fact I have been living in fear the last couple of days because I feel like I took a ginormous step back by actually answering the phone after repeated unanswered calls. This after NC since October!

And I'll admit that she got to me. Yes the terrorist was yet again able to plant, among others, that ever powerful seed of guilt. She has vowed not to give up on me even if I have on her. She has vowed to phone me when she feels like it because she still needs me and LOVES me sooo very much. In other words she has vowed to continue to terrorise me so I better be on my toes. Joy! She needs me all right. Needs me for her NS and I won't be part of that. I can't be and nor can you.

We all deserve to be happy. We most certainly do not deserve these terrorists destroying our happiness. Yes there will be backsteps as I have just learned. This whole process is extremely difficult and requires an enormous amount of work and diligence. Stay strong. Stay healthy and happy. Don't doubt for a second that you are doing the right thing. We all know, especially you that this is necessarry to live the life that we/you really truly deserve. The life that we were deprived of by having to live with this insidiousness for so long. Good luck. Stay strong and most importantly do what is best for YOU, because you deserve it.

Riccy101 · Joined: 18 Feb 2007 Posts: 287

Dealing with the guilt is the hardest part of NC. I used to suffer bouts of guilt and doubt. One day, when that guilt feeling was hanging in the air again, I met the challenge. I recalled things she had done to me. It brought to light how she could not possibly love me or have mine or my family's best interests in mind. We are simply PLAYERS on her stage. It put things in perspective and I haven't felt a drop of guilt since. Now, I'm dealing with moving on with my life, and keeping a strong commitment to never allow her to violate my world again, either through thoughts or physical contact. I don't think I've ever come this close to realizing that I hate her, in my life. That woman is as close to being a devil, selfish and totally devoid of love...as anyone can be.

Riccy

Riccy101 · Joined: 18 Feb 2007 Posts: 287

Hi Justme.

I would love to reach out and put my arm around you. I read your post and feel so bad for you having to go through that.

Remember, guilt is nothing but a form of emotional abuse. Instead of respecting your boundaries and your decision to NOT answer the phone, your NM acted like a mean spirited brat! In her own inadequate way as a mother, she used words (that you are a bad mother) she knew would harm you the most. Let me tell you...no matter how mad I may ever be at my grown children, I could never do something like that. Your mother only pointed a glaring light on what a BAD MOTHER SHE IS!

Don't be ashamed, and try not to be afraid of her. She's just a weak, dead soul, who gets her strength by putting down others.

They're all a pitiful lot, those N's...

Riccy

justmee · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 692

Thankyou Riccy,

I really am trying to not fear her. I keep telling myself that I didn't do anything wrong so I should not hide or run....still I do find myself constantly locking my doors and I live way back in the country...

I really do appreciate all the advice and wisdom you have,

justmee

Riccy101 · Joined: 18 Feb 2007 Posts: 287

Don't take me too literally, Justme. Smile

I think we all feel afraid of them. I was just trying to convey to you, that they are just flesh and blood, like everyone else, instead of the bigger than life image they try to project. I feel a strong need to comfort all of you here. I can't stand the fact that others are being hurt like I was hurt, by their parents.

Keep posting. You'll get through this just fine.

Riccy

seekingserenity · Joined: 14 Mar 2007 Posts: 179

Hi all,

Ross -- sometimes we do step back into the world of the N, and it's awful while we're there. But we will remember these incidents, and the accompanying abuse and crazy antics in the future, and it will make our resolve for NC stronger.

Riccy -- yes, dealing with the guilt is absolutely the hardest part. And thank you for pointing out that when the N guilt trips us, it is emotional abuse. It's awful. I understand the feelings of hate for the N. It's hard (for a while) to admit that about our own parents. I think the hate that I feel does protect me from wanting contact. I'm no longer pretending to myself that I can stand these people, or I "should" be able to, when I can't.

You are all helping me and comforting me so much. I could never be where I am right now without the knowledge about how to do NC, and the support from all of you. Thank you.

SeekingSerenity

thayilflies · Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 499

oaktree · Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 362 Location: Minnesota

Tha wrote: