Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

oaktree · Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 363 Location: Minnesota

I just wanted to start a new line on boundaries. WowNowFree posted this on another string and I just now re-read it and thought it was so powerful:

ilovemusic · Joined: 18 Mar 2007 Posts: 151

A main feature of the disease is lack of boundaries. They think we are a part of them, like a limb or something. We don't talk a lot about this particular quirk on the boards much, but I think it's one of the reason's we cannot ever have a relationship with them. We can keep an arm's length from other N's we may encounter throughout our day, but once we were "captured" by an N parent, or in your case, sibling, we can never go back. They see us as part of them and can never, ever see us any other way. Even if we do all in our power to initiate and enforce boundaries, they can't respect our boundaries even at the risk of losing us.

But I don't understand why the word "no" or even having a different opinion or view on a subject would anger them so much.... if they are like sponges, and absorb everything why can't they just absorb you as your own individual

I know the suspect N's I'm thinking of , do not like you to have a different view than theirs...... I never really understood that

thayilflies · Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 488

I think it is an excellent point. I lived as an extension of my father: everything I did was to please him, I never thought about myself and I never thought about anyone else. They will suck the life out of you until you are the living dead yourself. To the point where you cannot love.

You owe it to yourself and the Universe to detach. If there is a way to remain detached and in contact OK, but I don't think I can do it.

wlw35 · Joined: 09 Mar 2007 Posts: 367

I just read something in the wizard of oz and other Ns last night, it said that abuse, tragic experiences may happen to young children, it isn't how horrible the event it HOW the parent or caregiver handled the event afterward, ie: validating the emotions. Ns try to supress our emotions, tell us it doesn't hurt, don't cry, etc... So, we learn dysfunctional coping mechanisims which travel through our lives, then in our 20's and 30's we realize these things are working anymore, and here we are.

oaktree · Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 363 Location: Minnesota

well that is very true about N's trying to suppress emotions. actually, mine didnt even recognize I was a person, so I couldnt possibly HAVE any emotions. and my Nsis CAUSED alot of my trauma, so she certainly couldn't have validated my responses/emotions :>)

what about other kinds of borders that they ignore in addition to not recognizing or trying to suppress your emotions? did your Ns think it was perfectly normal to tell you who you were, what kind of person you were, and judge you in every aspect of your personality and actions? mine did. any action on my part, whether related to her or not, evoked a judgement. somewhere along the line she decided that was her right as family queen or something. and she does the same to others. and its just all so much the NORM in her family, like everyone is in little hypno-trances or something. Its SPOOKY!! yes, she does have the "living dead" routine mastered. she almost sucked me dry too, except there was this curious little part of me that was questioning her, even at the age of 3. I dont know where that came from, but it really saved my life. yes, we have learned dysfunctional ways of coping, which is probably why we are all here going, HUH??? but that little part of us that said, NO, this ISNT RIGHT was alive and well down deep somewhere. I am going to try to stay in touch with that little part as much as possible. Its the only thing in life that has not steered me wrong.
_________________
Once You Have Been Bitten By A Snake, You Are Very Cautious, Even Of A Coiled Rope.

The Dalai Lama

wlw35 · Joined: 09 Mar 2007 Posts: 367

oh, my, a very thought-provoking post, my NM was the "queen", she told me how I felt, too, oh, you'll never be happy, etc... I've always had that fight you are talking about, always trying to plan an escape, then I had a little melancholy all my life, too. It didn't stop me from reaching my goals, though. I will post later how I finally escaped, we all know it's not so easy.
My grandma related a story, I was about 2 and she came over with some cookies, in the evening, I passed the plate around (didn't even ask for one) and then went to bed, no fight, just total submission. Unbelievable, she had total CONTROL. When I had the terrible 2's, discipline issues with my kids, she actually said, I never had this trouble with you girls.... I had a dream last night, my NM was unsually sweet and hugging me, the kids were around, so I fake-smiled, hugged her, but left my arm in the middle, almost to keep a space, so it wasn't a real hug. I'm making progress, even subconsiously. Thanks for the insight!

oaktree · Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 363 Location: Minnesota

thank you Thay, and wlw--your posts are so ALIVE, as usual. So good to be FEELING again, even if painful.
_________________
Once You Have Been Bitten By A Snake, You Are Very Cautious, Even Of A Coiled Rope.

The Dalai Lama