Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

amonetteny · Joined: 31 Mar 2007 Posts: 11

Hi Everyone,

I still have remained in no contact since he showed up at my house since I originally posted this.

It was very difficult when I first came home with my son to not talk to his father. I am getting better BUT what about his family? This is their first grandchild and his grandmother is a nice person, so I am in a hard spot with keeping the baby away from his family. They didn't do anything wrong. So when he goes to prison and is not around, do I let his family see him? They want to see the baby and I am being portrayed as the bad person for not bringing the baby to see him. Still struggling with that one.I

His mother is an enabler and he presently is under house arrest with her and is a big time Mama's Boy. I do realize deep down that I am doing the right thing for my son's mental well-being. The XP's mother always has been in an abusive realtionship and once told me that "I don't care if they cheat, I know they are coming back to me" I completely disagree with cheating and abuse, not a relationship I want to bring an innocent child into to.

Still staying strong but I have my very weak moments...

Thanks for all your replys, they certainly do help me.
Amanda

Echo · Posted: Sat Apr 07, 2007 1:46 pm Post subject:

Hi Amanda, Thanks for checking back in Smile

and well done for being strong.

When I went NC with xP, his mother father and sister were very upset. They telephoned me, and his sister wrote to me trying to get me to stay in contact with them. I explained to his mother that I had to cut all ties with them, and I did.

They tried to pressure me into just keeping contact with them, but I explained that it was over, that contact with them would lead to contact with him, that I was sorry, but that was it. It wasnt pleasant, but it was what had to happen for me to break away.

Truth is, if you go NC with him, you have to go NC with his family really, because there is still that link. If you let his family see the baby then there will be all kinds of pressure on you, however wellmeaning some of it may be, and before you know it, you will be back to square one - he will come out of prison to you - and the cycle of abuse will start again.

At the end of the day, my Xs family knew he was mistreating me, they had been there with him with other women before. They knew he was physically abusing me, and they didnt intervene. I understand why, they thought that he would settle down with me, and it would be different, but it wasn't. They(your ex's family) know their boy/ grandson, they will know in their hearts what he's done to you - and yet they will still want that contact to continue by proxy.

And yes, they probably will be making out you are a bad person, but you aren't, you are doing the best for you and your boy. And if you keep them out of your lives, it doesnt matter what they say about you, cos like me, you wont be there to hear it.

What do you really want to do Amanda? What you do over this will really influence your's and your boys life - it could ruin years. He won't change you know - truly!

If there is any lingering feeling in there for him, please try and remember what he did to you before - it won't change. If you allow him back into your life you are giving him a green light signal that you will accept his abuse - and he will treat you worse - after a short honeymoon period.

Been there, done it - got the scars. Take care and stay strong, I know its hard, but given the choices you have, NC with them all really would be the best.

We're all behind you Smile

Echo

lemondroppr · Joined: 10 Feb 2007 Posts: 1431

I agree with Echo, Amanda. I just don't see how you can have NC with him while having a relationship with his family. Contact by proxy happens and I can imagine that they will pressure you for him. Lots of people don't "get" what they are doing when they willingly tell the one that we are trying to stay away from everything they know about you. And, I'll bet the ex will use them to get information about you and the baby. It's inevitable.

Lukky · Joined: 11 Feb 2007 Posts: 2407

Hey Amanda

I am so pleased you checked back in and gave us an update..and really happy that you have kept up the NC...

I know it is a really diffucult thing to have to break all ties with the rest of these peoples families as well!! It came as a devastating blow to me when I realised this NC meant giving up my beautiful much loved step kids and all of the extended family I had accumulated throughout our marriage. Unfortunalely its the way it has to be, if there is any small link there they will eventually use it to get back at us in some way.

Right now the most important person in this World is that baby boy of yours. Focus totally on him and yourself and forget the rest of them. None of them deserve to have that baby in their lives!!
I say just enjoy him ok.... He is at a gorgeous age and don't miss out on one second it by worrying about them..

All the best of Luck Amanda and my heart goes out to you..
_________________
'The Best reaction is no reaction'

mikey#1 · Posted: Sun Apr 08, 2007 6:25 am Post subject:

amonetteny Protect the child at all cost. I left my husband (he was not an N but XBF was) because he was involved with drugs. I raised two sons on my own. I had no college degree but struggled through. My only regret is I stayed too long with my husband.

My sons, oldest is 27 and youngest is 25, are very, very close to me. We have such a special relationship. They would and have done so much for me. They love me even after I choose my XNBF over them 3 years ago. That is the sign of true love. I am lucky because so many children would have walked away and kept going.

We, as women and mother's, have a special gut instinct. Please do not weaken and let this man have involvment with this innocent child. You are a strong woman. I know it is hard but years down the road when you see all your son's accomplishments you will know you did the right thing. We must be strong not just for ourselves but for the small ones who are waiting to be molded into humans. The wrong input and it could be the wrong outcome. Love the little one like there is no tomorrow. Our sons are the best gift from God.

Mikey#1

He dominated me, isolated me and hated my children but he under estimated the love between a mother and her sons. After all his BS …, in the end there was only three: MB, DT (my sons) and I.