Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

lemondroppr · Joined: 10 Feb 2007 Posts: 1431

Although the target audience is for parents, you can apply it to yourself regardless of whether you are parent, a teenager or a 90 year old.

http://www.schwablearning.org/articles.aspx?r=1101

lemondroppr · Joined: 10 Feb 2007 Posts: 1431

Here's another site for irrational beliefs, along with a problem solving section:

http://www.coping.org/growth/beliefs.htm

femfree · Site Admin Joined: 11 Feb 2007 Posts: 667

Excellent Article lemondroppr. I'm adding a small excerpt here

Dad: Michelle, I’ve told you three times to wash up for bed.
Michelle: I’m going as fast as I can; I’m not some track star!
Dad: Listen, young lady, it’s late, I’ve had a long day at work, and the last thing I need from you is back talk.
Michelle: (Under her breath) Why don’t you just shut up and leave me alone?
Dad: (Clenching his jaw, thinking) She shouldn’t have said ‘shut up’ to me; that’s an awful thing to say; I can’t stand it when she does that! She’s in trouble for making my evening so terrible.

(Red-faced and yelling) I’m not going to tell you again, get in that bathroom and wash up!

It is not always easy to keep your cool when a child is refusing to follow your directions — especially after a long day at work. But when you allow yourself to react emotionally, as Michelle’s father did, you are more likely to respond ineffectively — and even to make the situation worse. In this article, a very powerful system is described for learning how to control your emotions and behavior regardless of how disagreeably your child treats you. The approach is based on rational-emotive therapy (RET) which was developed by psychologist Albert Ellis, Ph. D., and has subsequently been elaborated on by many professionals, including Tom Miller, who studied under Ellis. Miller developed an innovative way to help people recognize and combat four common irrational thinking styles, which you’ll learn about in this article.
http://www.schwablearning.org/articles.aspx?r=1101
_________________
Nothing is easier than to denounce the evildoer;
nothing is more difficult than to understand him.
Fyodor Dostoevsky

lemondroppr · Joined: 10 Feb 2007 Posts: 1431

http://www.uwec.edu/counsel/pubs/defn.htm

Definition of Cognitive Distortions
Cognitive distortions are logical, but they are not rational. They can create real difficulty with your thinking. See if you are doing any of the ten common distortions that people use. Rate yourself from one to ten with one being low and ten being high. Ask yourself if you can stop using the distortions and think in a different way.

ALL-OR-NOTHING THINKING: You see things in black-and-white categories. If your performance falls short of perfect, you see your self as a total failure.
OVERGENERALIZATION: You see a single negative event as a never-ending pattern of defeat.
MENTAL FILTER: You pick out a single negative detail and dwell on it exclusively so that your vision of all reality becomes darkened, like the drop of ink that discolors the entire beaker of water.
DISQUALIFYING THE POSITIVE: You reject positive experiences by insisting they "don't count" for some reason or other. In this way you can maintain a negative belief that is contradicted by your everyday experiences.
JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS: You make a negative interpretation even though there are no definite facts that convincingly support your conclusion.
MIND READING: You arbitrarily conclude that someone is reacting negatively to you, and you don't bother to check this out
THE FORTUNETELLER ERROR: you can anticipate that things will turn out badly, and you feel convinced that your prediction is an already-established fact.
MAGNIFICATION (CATASTROPHIZING) OR MINIMIZATION: You exaggerate the importance of things (such as your goof-up or someone else's achievement), or you inappropriately shrink things until they appear tiny (your own desirable qualities or other fellow's imperfections). This is also called the binocular trick."
EMOTIONAL REASONING: You assume that your negative emotions necessarily reflect the way things really are: "I feel it, therefore it must be true."
SHOULD STATEMENTS: You try to motivate yourself with should and shouldn't, as if you had to be whipped and punished before you could be expected to do anything. "Musts" and "oughts" are also offenders. The emotional consequences are guilt. When you direct should statements toward others, you feel anger, frustration, and resentment.
LABELING AND MISLABELING: This is an extreme form of overgeneralization. Instead of describing your error, you attach a negative label to yourself. "I'm a loser." When someone else's behavior rubs you the wrong way, you attach a negative label to him" "He's a Goddamn louse." Mislabeling involves describing an event with language that is highly colored and emotionally loaded.
PERSONALIZATION: You see your self as the cause of some negative external event, which in fact you were not primarily responsible for.

lemondroppr · Joined: 10 Feb 2007 Posts: 1431

Common Thinking Errors

In addition to the negative or unhelpful thinking described in the 'Challenging Negative thinking' fact sheet, there are some common thinking errors that most of us make from time to time.

Thinking errors are irrational patterns of thinking that cause you to feel bad, and sometimes to act in self-defeating ways.

Whenever you find yourself feeling upset (e.g. anxious, angry, depressed, resentful, guilty, ashamed, etc) look for any thinking errors that might be contributing to the way you feel.
Challenging your thinking errors

Here are 10 common thinking errors and ways to challenge them.

1. Black-and-white thinking

When you're thinking in black-and-white, you see everything in terms of good or bad. Either you're great, or you're a loser; if you don't look like a model you must be ugly; if you do something wrong then you are completely bad. You see everything as either good or bad, with no in-betweens.
THE CHALLENGE: Look for shades of grey

It is important to avoid thinking about things in terms of extremes. Most things aren't black-and-white - usually they are somewhere in-between. Just because something isn't completely perfect, it doesn't mean that it's a complete write-off.

Ask yourself:
• Is it really so bad, or am I seeing things in black-and-white?
• How else can I think about the situation?
• Am I taking an extreme view?

2. Unreal ideal / unfair to compare

Another common thinking error is making unfair comparisons between certain individuals and yourself. When you do this, you compare yourself with people who have a specific advantage in some area. Making unfair comparisons can leave you feeling inadequate and not OK.
THE CHALLENGE: Stop making unfair comparisons

Ask yourself:
• Am I comparing myself with people who have a particular advantage?
• Am I making fair comparisons?

3. Filtering

When you filter you do two things: first you hone in on the negative aspects of your situation and secondly, you ignore or dismiss all the positive aspects.
THE CHALLENGE: Consider the whole picture

Ask yourself:
• Am I looking at the negatives, while ignoring the positives?
• Is there a more balanced way to look at this?

4. Personalising - the self-blame game

When you personalise, you feel responsible for anything that goes wrong, even when it's not your fault or responsibility.
THE CHALLENGE: Don't personalise

It's important to consider that not everything is your fault or your responsibility. Most things have more than one cause.

Ask yourself:
• Am I really to blame? Is this all about me?
• What other explanations might there be for this situation?

5. Mind-reading

We often think we know what other people are thinking. We assume that others are focused on our faults and weaknesses - but this is often wrong!
THE CHALLENGE: Don't assume that you know what others are thinking

Ask yourself:
• What is the evidence? How do I know what other people are thinking?
• Just because I assume something, does that mean I'm right?

6. Catastrophising

When you catastrophise, you exaggerate the consequences when things go wrong, and you imagine that things are or will be disastrous.
THE CHALLENGE: Decatastrophise

Ask yourself:
• What's the worst thing that can happen?
• What's the best thing that can happen?
• What's the most likely to happen?
• Will this matter in five years time?
• Is there anything good about the situation?
• Is there any way to fix the situation?

7. Overgeneralising

When you overgeneralise you exaggerate the frequency of negative things in your life, like mistakes, disapproval and failures. Typically you might think to yourself: 'I always make mistakes' or 'everyone thinks I'm stupid'.
THE CHALLENGE: Be specific - don't overgeneralise

Ask yourself:
• Am I overgeneralising?
• What are the facts, and what are my interpretations?

8. Fact versus feeling/thinking

Sometimes you might confuse your thought or feelings with reality. You might assume, 'if I think or feel this way then my thoughts/feelings must be correct'.
THE CHALLENGE: Stick to the facts

Ask yourself:
• Am I confusing my feelings with the facts? Just because I am feeling this way, does that mean my perceptions are correct?
• Am I thinking this way just because I am feeling bad right now?

9. Labelling

When you use labelling you might call yourself (or other people) names. Instead of being specific (e.g. that was a silly thing to say') you make negative generalisations about yourself or other people (e.g 'I am ugly', 'I am dumb', 'I'm a loser', I'm boring'; 'She is an idiot'; 'He's a creep').
THE CHALLENGE: Stick to the facts

Ask yourself:
• What are the facts and what are my interpretations?
• Just because there is something that I'm not happy with, does that mean that I'm totally no good?

10. 'Can't Standitis'

Some people get very intolerant when they have to do things they don't enjoy. They tell themselves that they can't stand certain things instead of just acknowledging that they don't enjoy them. As a result, they very easily become frustrated and angry.
THE CHALLENGE: Accept that frustration is a normal part of life, and that we can't always get what we want

Remind yourself:
• I don't enjoy it, but I can stand it.
• This is a hassle, and that's OK! Life is full of hassles.
The Effect of Challenging thinking errors

What is the effect of challenging your thinking errors? Does it make you feel better? Does it encourage you to change some of your behaviour?

Often it is useful to write down the changes that occur after you have challenged your thinking, as this helps you to see the advantages of working on your thoughts, and motivates you to keep doing so. You could also give ROC a go, this gives you a space to gather evidence that helps you to challenge your negative thinking.

REMEMBER!! Whenever you are feeling bad, try to become aware of your thoughts. If they are negative or critical, have a go at challenging them. Once you get into the habit of disputing your negative self-talk you'll find it easier to handle difficult situations, and as a result, you'll feel less stressed and more confident and in control.
Write it down

While you are learning to identify and challenge your negative self-talk it's a good idea to write it all down. Writing down your thoughts and disputing statements in a diary or notebook helps you to develop your skills. Initially it might feel like work, but the more often you do it the easier it will become, and the better you will feel.
Try it out

Now that you know a few common thinking errors and how to challenge them, why don't you try it out? It might not be easy at first, and may take some time. The rewards could be huge - people who choose the way they think about things, who are at peace with the past, live in the present, and are optimistic about the future, are generally happier.

http://www.reachout.com.au/default.asp?ti=2252