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femfree
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Joined: 11 Feb 2007
Posts: 654
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 Posted: Mon Feb 19, 2007 4:00 pm Post subject: Avoiding the Narcissist's Rage |
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AVOIDING THE NARCISSIST'S RAGE
| Quote: |
"Remember - No matter how hard you try or how right you are, sometimes the dragon wins."
anon
A male [baboon], one who does not willingly share, caught an antelope. The female edged up to him and groomed him until he lulled under her attentions. She then snatched the antelope carcass and ran. Lewin, 1987 |
At the end of a relationship the Narcissist faces the potential exposure of his abusive behaviour, your leaving and loss of expected NS (Narcissistic Supply), ensuing divorce, financial repercussions, which can result in narcissistic injury and subsequent narcissistic rage. His targets find themselves on the receiving end of the Narcissist's relentless continued abuse, smear campaign, endless legal battles and other creative cruelties. This narcissistic rage may be, in fact, much worse than what you experienced within the relationship.
Victims may have experienced severe physical/psychological abuse. That abuse, of course, is hidden behind closed doors. Seldom is there proof or witnesses.
The N will get his NS one way or the other. This will include you, his target, and he will enjoy an extra double-dipping of additional NS he generates from his new "OW" and those he targets with his lies and his often-convincing tales of abuse he falsely claims to have suffered because of you. This of course, is done to hurt you and maintain his 'image'. Your N will very much enjoy the abundant NS he gets by being both the sadist and appearing to be the victim. You face his lies in the court, lies to friends, family, employer, social network, and even children.
Even the victim's relatives, friends, and colleagues are amenable to the considerable charm, persuasiveness, and manipulativeness of the abuser and to his impressive thespian skills. The abuser offers a plausible rendition of the events and interprets them to his favor. Others rarely have a chance to witness an abusive exchange first hand and at close quarters. In contrast, the victims are often on the verge of a nervous breakdown: harassed, unkempt, irritable, impatient, abrasive, and hysterical.”
Confronted with this contrast between a polished, self-controlled, and suave abuser and his harried casualties – it is easy to reach the conclusion that the real victim is the abuser, or that both parties abuse each other equally. The prey's acts of self-defense, assertiveness, or insistence on her rights are interpreted as aggression, lability, or a mental health problem.
Narcissism by Proxy, FAQ#42 By: Dr. Sam Vaknin
http://samvak.tripod.com/faq42.html
Biased or ignorant courts may pathologize the victim and fail to recognize N tactics and victims may find no justice in their legal system. Some victims will now be dealing with the ‘sport litigator’s' endless courtroom abuse. This N will not hesitate to pay top dollar in legal fees to obtain the fringe benefit of high-octane attention the courts provide. He will not be concerned in any way with your financial/emotional need or needs of the children. The preservation of his image and NS is now all-important.
It can go a long way to preventing a narcissistic rage onslaught if we can appear that we are the one accepting the blame for the breakdown of the relationship. And, it may avert a narcissistic rage if he feels that you can still be tapped in future to provide quality NS.
We are not dealing with a normal person. We are dealing with a mental disorder. We need to keep that in mind. It can be absolutely essential to reinforce the defence mechanisms (control, power, uniqueness, grandiosity, special entitlement, image) of the N to thwart unleashing hell on his target - you. Attacking defence mechanisms of the personality disordered can be downright dangerous.
We succeed best by reinforcing the N's defence mechanisms. When done publicly by you, the N will then receive bonus NS. Assume the blame yourself. Accept responsibility for the ending of the relationship and make that known to others.
Why would anyone want to do this? Our objective is to get the N out of our life as smoothly and quickly as possible. In fact, it's a way of offering ourselves up as a sacrificial lamb to announce to the N and others, that we are the guilty party and that the N is indeed, a wonderful, kind, generous person. Given this scenario, your N may be more willing to settle matters more financially/psychologically reasonable to you and your children and extinguish the early sparks that can ignite into a narcissistic rage conflagration. Consider doing this when beginning to end the relationship and during any divorce mediation sessions. Once he's out of your life and divorce documents or custody agreements are signed we can breath a sigh of relief in having 'pulled one over on your N'.
Dr. Sam Vaknin writes.
The other way to neutralise a vindictive narcissist is to offer him continued Narcissistic Supply until the war is over and won by you. Dazzled by the drug of Narcissistic Supply, the narcissist immediately becomes tamed, forgets his vindictiveness and triumphantly takes over his "property" and "territory".
Under the influence of Narcissistic Supply, the narcissist is unable to tell when he is being manipulated. He is blind, dumb and deaf. You can make a narcissist do anything by offering, withholding, or threatening to withhold Narcissistic Supply (adulation, admiration, attention, sex, awe, subservience, etc.)
Vindictive Narcissists
http://samvak.tripod.com/faq75.html
Members report success with this strategy:
How to Leave a Narcissist. The narcissist analyses (and internalizes) everything in terms of blame and guilt, superiority and inferiority, gain (victory) and loss (defeat) and the resulting matrix of narcissistic supply. Narcissists are binary contraptions. Thus, the formula is very simple: Shift the blame to yourself ("I don't know what happened to me, I have changed, it is my fault, I am to blame for this, you are constant, reliable and consistent). Tell him you feel guilty (excruciatingly so, in great and picturesque detail). Tell him how superior he is and how inferior you feel. Make this separation your loss and his absolute, unmitigated gain. Convince him that he is likely to gain more supply from others (future women?) than he ever did or will from you. BUT Make clear that your decision - though evidently "erroneous" and "pathological" - is FINAL, irrevocable and that all contact is to be severed henceforth. And never leave ANYTHING in writing.
Dr. Sam Vaknin Excerpts from the Archives of the Narcissism List
http://samvak.tripod.com/archive35.html
I wish things were different. It can seem grossly unfair to be abused and then to have to 'praise' our abusers. Retaliating against the narcissist plays right into his NS requirements - As Dr. Vaknin says 'I love to be hated' and your N will obtain NS from your fear or anger and his ability to financially/psychologically hurt you. I wish I had better options to give you. I don't. You are dealing with NPD.
Many readers may find themselves facing a subsequent narcissistic rage and it may be necessary to 'reverse engines' and your challenge will be to find a way to provide NS in a way that supports his defence mechanisms. You know your Narcissist better than anyone and you know in what areas this may be most successful. It may be possible to do this in gradual incremental stages by letting your N be heard and acquiesced to in acceptable ways, mirroring him (reflect his grandiosity back to him and others), and allowing some form of contact and/or control over you and providing for and understanding of his particular 'needs'. It may help to enlist others who can be counted on to provide NS to him when he shows generosity or fairness. Ns don't care how they get NS, but only that they are getting it. The N will take the path to easy NS. However, this will not be an easy task and with a decreased likelihood of successful outcome. The best chance of success is when this is done early in the game of leaving the N.
Dr. Ernest Wolf on the Narcissistic Rage:
The narcissistically injured on the other hand, cannot rest until he has blotted out a vaguely experienced offender who dared to oppose him, to disagree with him, or to outshine him. It can never find rest because it can never wipe out the evidence that has contradicted its conviction it is unique and perfect. This archaic rage goes on and on and on. Group Helplessness and Rage Ernest S. Wolf, MD
http://www.selfpsychology.org/papers/wolf_2001b_group_helplessness_and_rage.htm
[color=blue]Narcissistic rage is a horse of a different color. Sometimes conditions occur which make a person feel totally helpless and powerless. This is an unbearable experience and results in that individual’s unlimited rage to destroy - destroy any opponent, anyone who is not for me is against me, destroy the world, etc. Unfortunately, this narcissistic rage does not disappear when the helplessness or powerlessness have disappeared. Rather, this type of rage goes on, and on, and on, and only very gradually sort of wears itself out. Disruption-Restoration (also from Ernest Wolf, MD)
http://www.selfpsychology.org/disruption/_disruption/00000016.htm
Be financially and emotionally free of any Narcissist.
We are indebted to Dr. Sam Vaknin for providing these references:
The Intermittent Explosive Narcissist (about narcissistic rage):
http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/journal86.html
Abusing the Gullible Narcissist
http://samvak.tripod.com/journal68.html
Coping with Your Abuser
http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse3.html
Interacting with your Abuser
http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily13.html
Narcissists, Disagreement, and Criticism
http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/faq73.html
Violent Narcissists
http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/9.html
How to Cope with a Narcissist
http://samvak.tripod.com/faq4.html
Conning the System
http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily10.html
NPD Tips
http://samvak.tripod.com/npdtips.html
Tip: Nancy shares co-parenting. During visitations she picks up the kids at N's house when he 'summons' her. He always has people there he wishes to impress and her N needs an NS feeding, so Nancy launches into a discussion with the kids such as "I bet you had a great time with daddy, you always do." and bringing particular attention to dad's extra generosity getting the kids a haircut. Others overhear this; the N soaks up all the NS. She has managed to maintain a relatively smooth custody arrangement and receives the needed child-support payments. The N sees the kids only 10% of the time so 90% is spent away from the N. It's called making the best of a bad situation.
Read More Tips here:
http://thepsychopath.freeforums.org/viewtopic.php?t=947
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