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Am I a Narcissistic Compulsive Giver?

Sam Vaknin is the author of "Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited" and 8 other books about personality disorders and abuse in relationships with narcissists and psychopaths. He is the owner and moderator of support forums and the first person to have written about the Narcissistic Personality disorder (NPD) online (in 1997). He invented many of the terms currently used to describe the disorder and its effects on family, the workplace, and in various professions.

Where to go to ask Dr. Sam questions. This is intended as Questions to Dr. Vaknin and his responses

** Please do not post replies in this forum. This forum is for Dr. Vaknin ONLY to answer questions. Any general discussion posts WILL be deleted without warning.**

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Am I a Narcissistic Compulsive Giver?

Postby StarTrekFan » Sat Feb 18, 2017 9:07 pm

Here's the problem I have: my girlfriend lives in the Philippines and she always has a reason to ask for money; anything from medical expenses, sudden deaths in the family, accidents, etc. and from my perspective, I love her and believe her, and she's rarely used put-downs to me, or tried to make me feel less than her. She is quite charitable with friends who have children, or friends who's relatives passed, there's always a reason for her to help them.

But the problem is, it's my money she needs to help them with. I know I have to explore the possibility that I have become chronically co-dependent, but at the same time, am I a narcissist because I give money and expect love and a committed relationship in return? I am aware of sometimes feeling I deserve things because I give money, but I don't actively plot to bribe her into compliance. In fact, usually it's the other way around: she will usually go through a cycle of asking for money (which increased over time), then she will plead that I'm the only one who can help her and that if I can't help then some consequence like, her pawning her phone to get the money, but then we can't talk anymore (so the implied threat is that I will lose contact with her if I don't send money. Contact is one of my express needs.) So after arguing, I will reluctantly give the money but usually some other thing will happen the next day that requires more money. Then the next and next.

Between Oct-Dec, I spent thousands sending her to a nursing program, only to be told later that she was dating another guy in the Philippines. This was actually the 3rd time someone sent me pictures of her with another guy. Each time she was caught posing in pictures with a guy hugging her or holding his hand, or pictures in his car, appearing to be on dates, she would say he's just a friend or that they were with a group of friends at the time and that all her friends knew I was her boyfriend and they would never let her cheat on me.

I've started NO CONTACT at this point because the lies never stop and each time she presents a sort of deal that this will be the last time and that she will do anything I ask, etc. It's driven me absolutely MAD-CRAZY! I also have fantasies about being the guy that rescues her, and I've had other similar relationships with girls that apparently needed my help. So I'm somewhat addicted to helping other people which might be a form of narcissistic-compulsive-giving. I don't know, but I started off thinking that I'm the victim since I'm the one always compromising and complying with what she asks for, but I'm beginning to think maybe she's the sane person and I'm the narcissist.
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Re: Am I a Narcissistic Compulsive Giver?

Postby samvaknin » Thu Mar 09, 2017 9:52 pm

Only a qualified mental health diagnostician can determine whether someone suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and this, following lengthy tests and personal interviews.

These may be of help - click on the links:




Encyclopedia of Narcissism and Psychopathy:


Buy 16 books or 3 video DVDs about narcissists, psychopaths, and abusive relationships - click on this link:

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