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Is my x-turned-friend putting me through narcissistic abuse?

Sam Vaknin is the author of "Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited" and 8 other books about personality disorders and abuse in relationships with narcissists and psychopaths. He is the owner and moderator of support forums and the first person to have written about the Narcissistic Personality disorder (NPD) online (in 1997). He invented many of the terms currently used to describe the disorder and its effects on family, the workplace, and in various professions.

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Is my x-turned-friend putting me through narcissistic abuse?

Postby ladyobscure » Fri Jan 13, 2017 5:34 am

So....this is going to be...long!

Okay, so to give you some context. I have an ex who I only dated for a few months, but feel a weird thing with because he got me pregnant and I miscarried (the child was unwanted anyway) and then he suddenly ghosted me for a month and came back and apologized and asked to be friends. I often can't stop thinking about him because he continues to be my "one that got away", it tears me apart and I review in my mind over and over again if I should have told him about the pregnancy in the first place. I have dated quite a few people after him, but none have matched his sense of humour, our conversational chemistry and my level of comfort with him. We decided to remain on friendly terms and usually at my initiation we would have friendly hang outs. For me, when exes go from being lovers to friends, I prefer total transparency and honesty. As such, I openly talk about my dating life so as to neutralize things, I make jokes that I wouldn't with romantic interests, and I have dropped "the act" that people have when they date. In any case, it seems that over a year since our break up, he hasn't been able to drop said act. It in the past made me think that he hates my guts, but he has done small gestures (helping with resumes and school stuff) that make it apparent that he doesn't, well, hate me with a burning passion, or is entirely apathetic to me. I really believed initially our friendship was "out of politeness" but I can finally see that it's not. Anyway, a few months ago he moved to another city a few hours away for a job that will keep him there for at least another year. I was in his town visiting friends and we met up for drinks. We hung out and talked late into the night and he paid for my drinks. Our conversation was nothing but friendly, but again, I saw him unable to really open up. I also felt that given that I was in his town, in a bar, late at night with him, if he was in a relationship, it would be kind of weird if I had no idea about it (I'm about 70% sure he does have a new relationship). I don't know logically where my nervousness around that stems from, but I'd certainly feel....weird. I know his current relationship status is none of my business, but if we are really on friendly terms, I don't see why he wouldn't be able to disclose that to me, as friends do. As I have done with my dating stories. I thought he was dating this woman from my town for a while, but he has never mentioned her. I am trying not to think about what it would say about him if he was hiding a new relationship from me, but since I don't know for sure (and it's none of my business) I've let it go. I try not to think about how his current girlfriend (if he has one) would feel about him having drinks with me without telling me about her, because I already feel weird. I don't want to complicate that further with a number of unsubstantiated tangents. As the night ended, he was really in a rush to head off home, and I had to accost him to wait for the Uber with me for 30 seconds because it was past midnight in a strange large city. He abided.

Since then, he emailed me this professional thing I asked for, then I wished him a Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays and I heard nothing back from him. It makes me a feel a little crazy that people can go hot and cold. Am I overreacting? Is this just a garden variety jerk or a narcissistic abuse situation?

For now, I'm dropping communication. As in, I will not be initiating anymore (i haven't informed him of this change). I'm trying to do the fade-out because I feel this lingering feeling of the "one that got away" will serve me no good. I heard of a ritual that japanese women do to let go of the possibilities when they have a miscarriage or an abortion (while hoping it has a chance to manifest itself through other energies), and mentally did that, not simply for the miscarriage but also the relationship. It has brought me some peace, but I deal with it on a day-to-day basis. Sometimes I feel like breaking no contact (it's not been long, I saw him only 1.5 months ago), and sometimes I'm sad that he isn't making contact himself (but use that knowledge to further distance myself emotionally). I really miss him, I really miss what our relationship, or our friendship could have been if it deepened. It gives me great pain because I know he cares about me, and I care about him, but we're at an impasse that at least I cannot seem to go beyond emotionally.

Please be kind. I know the harsh truths seem like they will drive in the point, but they actually don't for me. How do I make any meaning out of this? Lately, I have been giving thanks for ever having this connection to begin with. I used to try to use CBT to get rid of my feelings for this guy, but turns out thats a poor use of CBT. I know I've been able to let go of a lot, but I'm mad at myself for not having fully recovered. How would you deal with something like this?
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Re: Is my x-turned-friend putting me through narcissistic ab

Postby samvaknin » Sun Jan 29, 2017 10:35 am

Approach-Avoidance Repetition Complex and Fear of Intimacy

https://groups.yahoo.com/neo/groups/nar ... sages/5000

The Narcissist or Psychopath Hates your Independence and Personal Autonomy

https://groups.yahoo.com/neo/groups/nar ... sages/4959

I miss him so much - I want him back!

https://groups.yahoo.com/neo/groups/nar ... sages/4934
Encyclopedia of Narcissism and Psychopathy:

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/siteindex.html

Buy 16 books or 3 video DVDs about narcissists, psychopaths, and abusive relationships - click on this link:

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/thebook.html
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