Hello Dr. Vaknin,
I have been married for 4 years. A month before I got married my mother in law turned into a monster towards me. She has been accusing me of things I have never done. I later figured out it was all things she does or did in the past. Two nights before the wedding she threatened me with a knife after seeing the engagement ring my husband gave me (it is not an expensive ring at all). Since then I have to deal with passive-aggressive behavior, false accusations, insults, etc. My mother in law is a hoarder, worse than the houses you see on TV. She smokes a pack of cigarettes a day or more and drinks. She called me drunk in the past, those conversations were interesting. I never told anyone about the way she treats me and I never defended myself either, I would just ignore her. Phone conversations with her are 2, 3 and even 4 hours long and she still complains I don't do enough for her. I am always doing research for her. When I go visit she expects me to clean and organize the house for her. She is young, she is 51 years old and can do everything herself but decides to complain all day and play victim.
My husband got a job offer close to his parents ( we now live 1600 miles away) while I was pregnant and I refused to go because of my MIL. She was already showing signs of jealousy towards me for the attention I was getting because I was pregnant. I was scared to be close to her, because I can't forget the time she pointed a knife at me. I caught my MIL in the past doing things to sabotage her health to get attention and she was doing the same when she found out I was pregnant.
My husband does not believe anything I tell him his mother did. He knows what she is capable of but he says it is just periods of crazy time, that she is just normal. I see how her face changes when my husband leaves the room and I am left alone with her. It is very creepy. When I told him the knife incident, my husband says that I should worry when she points a gun at me. (How is this normal?) He is the golden child. He is proud of the spot he "earned". His sisters were and still are neglected by their mother. My youngest sister in law is in state care because my MIL does not want her in the house. The girl was diagnosed BPD. The girl tried killing herself many times for attention. One time she started complaining about another "woman" that my father in law was giving money to, but she was referring to her own daughter, she is jealous of her own daughter. The other one did years of therapy and decided to go no contact with her mother.
After telling my husband all of this he resents me. The relationship is not the same and says I show no respect for his mom, when I never said a thing to her to defend myself and always took all the punches. He does not believe me. The times I tell him, his excuse is she does not hear well (not true) or that she has limited vocabulary because she did not finish high school. All cheap excuses. Ah, also, she escaped a mental institution when she was a teenager my husband told me.
Now that my son is born, my husband wants to move back to his home state but I do not want my son to be raised surrounded by this negativity, insanity and hatred. How do I get my husband to see what his mother really is? My in-laws do not want to come visit to meet the baby, I offered to pay the tickets, although I can't. Why should I bring the baby to that filthy house? I feel like I am bringing the offerings to the "queen" because we have to do everything to make her comfortable. I do not want my son to be the next golden child, next heir in line. I have done a lot of research, read many books, watched your videos and I do not want my son exposed to this. How do I get my husband to see my MIL's true colors?