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Newbie - Hurt & Looking for Answers

Sam Vaknin is the author of "Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited" and 8 other books about personality disorders and abuse in relationships with narcissists and psychopaths. He is the owner and moderator of support forums and the first person to have written about the Narcissistic Personality disorder (NPD) online (in 1997). He invented many of the terms currently used to describe the disorder and its effects on family, the workplace, and in various professions.

Where to go to ask Dr. Sam questions. This is intended as Questions to Dr. Vaknin and his responses

** Please do not post replies in this forum. This forum is for Dr. Vaknin ONLY to answer questions. Any general discussion posts WILL be deleted without warning.**

Moderators: WindSong, samvaknin

Newbie - Hurt & Looking for Answers

Postby dmelissa88 » Thu Apr 10, 2014 3:02 am

Recently, accidentally, learned about Narcissists. I think that could explain why I've been confused, heartbroken, and at times feel paranoid over the last 2 years. It's very unlike myself, as I'm usually a cheery and social person.

After reading and being knowledgeable, I feel like I finally saw light... I felt enlightened, and broke things off with him after 2 years of emotional rollercoaster. But even knowing there is nothing to hang on to (everything was a lie) and no one to be jealous of (everyone suffers the same fate), why do I still feel miserable? How long does it take to feel normal? I'm also starting to doubt if he's actually a Narcissist? Many signs point to yes, but some point to no, so want to seek validation on situation and advice on how to move on. Thanks in advice :)

His actions that says he is a N:
- Often going MIA, often blaming phone issues - did not see call, many times where no replies for 1-2 days
- Told me he's not ready for a relationship but that "I'm the only one he is seeing", yet found out he has people everywhere - in many cities - some that he still goes back to see after years - sources of supply?
- Never remembers anything about what's going on in my life
- Often flakes last minute and make up random excuses that don't make sense and don't even bother remembering those facts later
- Saw an "ex" defriend him on FB
- Even public places like FB has messages such as "when will you visit me again" "where are you"... blahblah - can't imagine the texts/emails
- Often very eager to see me on a particular night - even when I suggest different date he insists on his date (only thinking of his needs)?
- Said in a different context that he wants to have *** all the time
- Not just in relationships but often flakes with friends too - changing his mind all the time, no one ever knows where he is
- Broken childhood

What's still giving me doubt/keeping me from moving on:
- When I told him it's over he protested a little bit but just accepted it (aren't Ns suppose to hold on to all their supply?) - though even after acceptance he mentions not being able to forget me and hopefully one day something could happen again
- Saw me multiple times a week during those 2 years - that's a lot of time for one "supply" for a N to go for? Or maybe the only criteria is availability?
- He was never aggressive - none of this Narc rage - he always seemed very nonchalant, cool, not a care in the world. When I broke things off he didn't try to force his views/actions on me
- Similarly - always polite - seems thoughtful in normal interactions and communications (when people actually get a hold of him)

I guess question is what differs Ns from just being someone who's still immature, still greedy, and maybe just haven't met the right person? (though as of now I haven't seen anyone be special enough not to be cheated on).

I know regardless I should move on, but I guess just looking for closure before labeling a friend a N and cutting him off - maybe I just wasn't the right person?
dmelissa88
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Re: Newbie - Hurt & Looking for Answers

Postby samvaknin » Tue Apr 15, 2014 4:20 pm

Only a qualified mental health diagnostician can determine whether someone suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and this, following lengthy tests and personal interviews.

These may be of help - click on the links:

http://vaksam.tripod.com/1.html

http://vaksam.tripod.com/npdglance.html

http://vaksam.tripod.com/faq82.html

http://vaksam.tripod.com/faqpd.html

How to Recognize a Narcissist or a Psychopath on Your First Date, Before It
is Too Late?

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/na ... ssage/4976

Sam

http://www.youtube.com/samvaknin

http://www.youtube.com/vakninmusings

http://www.youtube.com/vakninsays

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com
Encyclopedia of Narcissism and Psychopathy:

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/siteindex.html

Buy 16 books or 3 video DVDs about narcissists, psychopaths, and abusive relationships - click on this link:

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/thebook.html
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