i'm not prepared (and capable) of consulting a real psychologist in town.
I just want to ask if my case could be considered NPD.
I grew up in a healthy family, healthy neighborhood and achieved many accomplishments in my early years.
I consider myself (also said by others) that im talented, smart and capable of many things.
I just got into one of the most prestigious schools in our country and passed the exam with flying colors making me realize, I have an intellectual advantage. Most of this realizations are not made up since these are all experiences but lately, college life got into me.
I know in myself, i want to excel, that's my goal but this goal affects my attitude and decisions.
I always want to work alone. I want to have all the credit and most of the time i think that my work is the best (and i always get upset when mine don't gain praises or attention). I also think people look at me, criticize me or praises me (depends on the looks i get) in the back of their mind though part of me says "they don't care". I also think people look up to me because of my degree course and looks (but a part of me tells me they dont). I spent A LOT of time in the mirror, dressing up, trying out clothes and thinking of what other people say yet when I go out, I spend a lot of time adjusting my clothes and regretting why I wore it. I crave for attention but I don't like to be on the spotlight. I hate when I'm the central topic. I feel like I just need that satisfaction that someone spared me a glance and I could be good for the day.
Also, I spend most of my times thinking of detailed situations that I can possible or impossibly encounter. Although nonsense, I still linger on these thoughts. I get jealous in people who get attention, I want to be in their circle of friends. I also hate it when people understand me, I get this feeling that I'm more complicated than them or in other words, I'm better than them and they will never understand that.
When I'm tasked to do chores, I always think "I studied in a great school, got many achievements not for this kind of jobs". I think highly of myself and always preoccupied (maybe 80% of the day) on thoughts of how to improve myself physically: facial care, waistline,**** size, flawless skin.
I always blame myself for an imperfect job. I get ashamed when my work did not get "that much" of appreciation. I make decisions that benefit me mostly, or if not, I could be one of the beneficiaries. I always order people what to do (but based on experiences, I developed tactics or strategies on gentle approaches to people when it comes to orders). Also, I never like being a follower or member, I always want to be the leader or be part of a production. It also follows my mood, there are just times I want to lay low (it is when i realize those naricissistic acts) and sometimes I want to get some attention.
But in contrast, I'm aware of all of these yet i still do it. I hate myself for going into details, cracking up my head for judgements, getting hurt with helpful criticisms.It physically, emotionally, spiritually and psychologically tires me. It sometimes makes me desperate.
Lately, it got worse. It was new year but i felt I'm afraid to face it but i really dont know why, i love and despise changes. I thought of many suicidal attempts and many farewell mesages to my loved ones but I also talked to myself that "you were never like this". I was my own psychiatrist and it makes my mind more crazy. I am the pro, and also I'm the con. I can't sort myself out because there is an unending debate in my head.
I think my intellectual ability straightens my mind, making me aware of what i'm thinking but there are many pesonal and environmental aspects that tends to challenge it.
So I want to ask if my way of thinking qualifies to be NPD? (coz if it is, then it would be a great help to understand myself more clearly) thank you.