Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

amybrad1971 · Joined: 08 Mar 2007 Posts: 114

I think too ya'll forget my husband doesn't know the depths of the sexual assault...all he knows is he cannot stand my N father...my children could care less for him too...I am the only one that is suffering with the abuse...(sexual) The rest is all N behaviors that they HATE...but it is not putting them in any danger...so they think its GREAT that he is not going to be around...and would look at me like I was crazy if I said I wanted to move anyways...now that the pain in the ass is going to be 11 states away most of the year...this is my burden...I will continue to live with the memories...the risks will be less for me...he will still have some control around here...but it won't be as much...

I will just be on the back burner...until we can finally move away from here....no one will suffer needlessly...just me.
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Alice:“What if I take the red AND blue pill? I'll be normal sized? Rabbit:“But then you can’t play the game Alice.”

oaktree · Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 363 Location: Minnesota

hi amy--glad you have some resolution to this, then. I know its been a struggle and glad that you will leave if he really doesnt stay away.

I dont speak for others, but when I was posting, I guess I was thinking that you were just going to move within the same town/area--i certainly understand why you wouldnt want the entire family to have to not see each other and have your children have to start making new friends again, etc.

If you did move just from that house, would it make YOU feel better? You do deserve to think of yourself too. You know, often its not just the time when they are there that keeps you from clearing your head--at least not with me. Its also being in the surroundings that were so traumatic. I cannot go back to the house that my father built that is now my sisters (with or without her in it). It has too many bad memories for me right now.

Hope you luck continues and you feel better each day!
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Once You Have Been Bitten By A Snake, You Are Very Cautious, Even Of A Coiled Rope.

The Dalai Lama

amybrad1971 · Joined: 08 Mar 2007 Posts: 114

1whogotaway · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 116

I just have to speak up on this one- your pain, the intensity, scope and length of your suffering at the hands of your father is so horrendous- WHY can't you put yourself and your own healing first and move asap? I heard and understand your reasons for waiting for 3 more years. I'm a mother too and I understand devotion. I'd do ANYTHING for my children.
Just ask yourself this: if it were your child suffering at the hands of your father, would you hesitate to move asap? WHY are YOU any less important? This is a family crises and YOU matter. Your health and healing matter. Sometimes the needs of the one in a family who needs the most should rightfully take precedence, whether you are the all sacrificing mother or not. You're a better mother once you're healed. You're showing your children strength and survival skills once you're healed. Plus I can't believe your children are completely unaware of how your father treats you. So by staying, you're showing them it's okay to remain his victim. Do you see what I'm saying at all? I just don't think you're doing them any favors by staying. It's like staying in an abusive marriage 'for the sake of the kids' when all you're doing is teaching the kids it's okay for dad to abuse mom- in this case, the kids are learning it's okay for Grandpa to abuse mom. How is that good for anybody? I am just so alarmed for your safety and implore you to revisit the decision to stay. Whatever you decide, we all support you here on this board. My heart goes out to you!!
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TBird

1whogotaway · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 116

Sorry Amy, just one more thought here.... if and when your NF leaves for vacation, why not consider telling your husband the full scope of the abuse? Since your NF will be far away, you won't have to worry about your husband retaliating physically (who could blame him? hell, I'd do it for you too!)
Once your husband knows the depth of your suffering, it sounds like he's the kind of man who would move heaven and earth to protect you. Isn't it horrendously difficult to keep this to yourself and not share it with your husband? Seems like it would be a major step in your healing to open up to your loving husband??
I'm just so horrified at your situation. Your daughter and Uncle must love you enough to want you out of there too if they knew the full truth?? I can't imagine your pain. The people who love you wouldn't want you to suffer!! Enough!! Please!! You mentioned you need therapy... I'm in therapy for a NF. Not a sadistic, sexually abusive sick puke deviant NF like yours, but a NF just the same- I just feel so protective of you cause you're so isolated with this. It's so inhumane. And the man needs to be prosecuted and put away forever.
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TBird

amybrad1971 · Joined: 08 Mar 2007 Posts: 114

I have thought about telling him when Dad is on his long vacation...in fact I thought long and hard about it...and I still am not totally cut off from that idea...I know if I do tell him we will be out the very next day. My husband will move heaven and earth for me...I could never tell my child what happened though...I couldn't put that on her shoulders...I could tell her I was abused...but not the great lengths of it...

It is a struggle I have been going through inside...ever since my hubby and I discussed staying...in fact I could hear the story just screaming just behind my lips because I know it would get us out.... I would be free...but at the same time I am struggling with my daughters life...and what it will mean to her...what will become of her little life when we do move...how hard it will be for her...and my uncle...

Yes they do know that grandpa is mean to mommy...and they do know its wrong...and I tell them that grandpa is sick...and he cannot help the way he is....he has a real illness...just like uncle John has his illnesses...they don't like it when grandpa says the things he says...but for the most part they don't understand because they do not know sign language...I shield them as much as possible, but yes they see the hurt in my eyes...they see my tears...but they honestly don't have much of a relationship with him...and they keep away because they know he is "sick" and his illness makes him mean.

When they heard the news that grandpa may not be here for most of the year they all danced around and looked so happy...I know they feel some of the pressures...when I spoke of us moving they looked devastated...my oldest was a mess...and prayed we would not move...she cried so hard and said what about my daddy?? my sisters?? my friends...my cheer leading...my school...the list was so long...and her sobs so loud...I heard her heart break...=(

So see its not so easy...we have our family life up here in our home...(we have a complete home..away from him)...and we do have happiness here...its not perfect...but its not bad either...we have open communication...and thankfully he is deaf...so we are not afraid of speaking about how we feel...he cannot hear us...if he is away...we will have our holidays back...and a much better family life..and if he is home for the summers...my girls are not here...they are away at their fathers...

I just don't know...they don't know my suffering...not the depths...they haven't for all this time...they know my father hurts me...but not the reasons why...not the real reasons...

I'm so torn...I want my freedom...I want to be happy...really happy...but not at the exchange of my family's happiness...I wouldn't be able to live with myself...not when we move and are settled and my baby girl comes to me crying cuz she misses her daddy and her family...I just couldn't.
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Alice:“What if I take the red AND blue pill? I'll be normal sized? Rabbit:“But then you can’t play the game Alice.”

amybrad1971 · Joined: 08 Mar 2007 Posts: 114

It was so much easier when he was going to be here all the time...because I could justify it...I could say to my girls Grandpa is just getting sicker and its time for us to move...but now that he will be gone...I just can't say that any more...DAMN HIM!! Mad

_________________
Alice:“What if I take the red AND blue pill? I'll be normal sized? Rabbit:“But then you can’t play the game Alice.”

1whogotaway · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 116

Does your older daughter have plans yet for after high school?
I wish you could go now. It's so sad. Can you get to therapy in the meantime if you have to stay another 3 years?
Maybe your NF is lying like the other posters suggested is so typical of Ns. Maybe he won't go away for the majority of the year.
I went through some horrendously painful separations from my daughters. My ex and I lived across the country from eachother for over ten years of their childhoods and we shared custody so I'd go long periods without them. I almost didn't survive it. I almost killed myself on more than one occassion. I understand you have to be able to live with yourself as a mother. My daughters are 24 and 26 now, they are both well educated, in happy relationships and less than an hour away from me. We are very close. I know you have to do whatever it takes for your babies. It does all work out in the end Amy. I just wish that day were already here for you.
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TBird

amybrad1971 · Joined: 08 Mar 2007 Posts: 114

she is going on to collage...not sure just where yet...but once she is in school and on her own...I will feel better about things...I will be free to move...my youngest will be able to go anywhere because her father lives out of state anyhow...and hopefully we will be able to move closer to him...

If my father is lying...we will move...in a way...I almost hope he is...in a another...I hope he is not...for my daughter and uncles sake...

I understand how you felt without your child...my youngest was kidnapped by her father and I went 3 months not knowing where she was...it was an awful time...and I almost did kill myself over all of that...its an awful awful thing to go through...I will do anything for my children...anything...I know this will all work out one day...I just don't want it to be at their expense if it doesn't have to be...

I don't think he is lying tho...we live in such a cold nasty state...this year the winter was so rough...and I know my smom cannot handle the winters any more...they spent 25,000 on this RV...and it is loaded...her family is out west...and I know they mean it...my father is also a compulsive gambler...and out west he can gamble his heart out...he cannot do that here...there are so many reasons why they would go...I really doubt they will be staying...not after all the money they have spent...and her health and all the reasons to go...this past winter was the nail in the coffin..with -20 temps for weeks at a time..it was just too hard on her...and him for that matter...

we shall see though.
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Alice:“What if I take the red AND blue pill? I'll be normal sized? Rabbit:“But then you can’t play the game Alice.”

justmee · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 692

Hi....I guess I am going to ask you one thing. Think about therapy for yourself. I went thru four years of thearpy because of what my father did. It took a long time to work thru the s**ual abuse.

I always thought my children did know, but kids are so intune. They are now 24 and 22 and they tell me they knew everything for along time. They just didnt know how to ask or approach it, they feared of hurting me more.

I guess I am just saying if you have the chance to get out and talk to someone, do it....do it for you.

hugs,
justmee

justmee · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 692

Duh....I thought they did not know...egads, brain freeze here, lol

amybrad1971 · Joined: 08 Mar 2007 Posts: 114

yeah I am thinking I need to get somewhere...just not real sure how I can do it...I lost my drivers license due to this illness...and I am so far away from everything...I know I need to get some type of therapy to help me through some of this...wonder if there is on line services...lol (kinda serious here)

I will get through it...I know I will..as long as there is an end in sight...
_________________
Alice:“What if I take the red AND blue pill? I'll be normal sized? Rabbit:“But then you can’t play the game Alice.”

oaktree · Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 363 Location: Minnesota

Amy, your story has made many of us respond. You can see how much people can relate to your issues and how many care and how many see all kinds of things that may be too painful for you to see right now.

I just have to say again that I LEARNED THE HARD WAY that putting yourself on the back burner does NOT help your children or your uncle or your husband. You are in pain, you don't feel safe--I can tell by your posts, just like I did when I stayed in a bad situation. PLEASE consider telling your husband. (First of all, he is going to be rightfully pissed off if you dont tell him pretty soon. He will help you figure out what to do--two minds are better than one. And don't they have any free crisis phone counseling centers there? If you find they are not of help you can always say thanks but no thanks. They are all pretty anonymous. No, you arent in immediate danger, but you are in chronic danger. They can help you sift through the facts and your emotions.

Now I just have one more thing to say about your daughter-she is a cheerleader, she is a teen, and ANY kid, whether they were in a dysfunctional situation or not, will protest moving. She doesnt know the details and she doesnt know how much difference it could make in her life to NOT be there. What if you had her help in the planning, so you could move to an area where she has dreamt about living or going to school? Or maybe if you privately write the pros and cons as they may be for her, going either way, maybe that will help you sort it out on paper. I can tell you, I went back and forth, back and forth on a similar dilemma for too long--and it helped NO ONE in the family, and actually HARMED them. Counselors would try to get me to the point where I could see it, friends would, but I wouldn't listen. Guess I just had to figure it out for myself when the bottom dropped out. And now my sons age 19 and 24 (at the time age 16 and 22) thank me every day that I have made this change. I felt guilty for MONTHS after I realized that instead of helping them, I actually was harming them. All for a mixed up believe that I had that moving was a bad thing and that divorcing my ex was a bad thing. It turned out to be the best thing I could have ever done for ALL of us!!!
Well, a clean break could be the best thing for all of you, too. Please dont put yourself on the back burner anymore. Your daughter and son will thank you someday when they understand more. And who knows? Getting out of there may even help your physical health!

Ok I will shut up now.
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Once You Have Been Bitten By A Snake, You Are Very Cautious, Even Of A Coiled Rope.

The Dalai Lama

Cricket · Joined: 27 Feb 2007 Posts: 113

Never shut up. Because all of the words that you write are written with love, compassion, and understanding, and with a deep hope for Amy's future.

We believe that you can heal, Amy. We would never be putting this effort forth if we didn't believe it. And we believe it because of your own awareness of the danger that you are in and your willingness to do anything to get out of it.

We believe in you, and that ultimately you will do what is right for your family. And from what you've told us, you are the heart of your family. Beat strong.

eyeswideopen · Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 212

Amy,

I just wish you the best. Your story has really touched my heart.

I know that I do not "know" you, yet I really care about you. I want you to be safe most of all... but also happy. Please listen to your intuition. Trust your gut instinct. If your gut tells you to get out. Just do it... Don't justify staying. Just do it and the pieces will fall together.

You have been through hell and back again. I understand that you believe you would be harming or causing unhappiness for your children if you move. Have you considered the possibility that may be a false belief? I have a feeling that what your kids REALLY want is a happy, healthy mom.. and family.

Please take care of yourself. Of course ~ this decision is yours and yours alone, but please know that we have your best interest at heart. No matter what you decide we are hear for you.

~eyeswideopen
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"The deeper that sorrow carves into your being the more joy you can contain. Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?"
Kahlil Gibran